65 Million Years Ago - General

Hey guys I just finished writing my first real story. I'm trying to get better so one day i can become a writer, it has always been my dream. My story is about a group of kids that get sent back to the past 65 million years ago and they have to survive together with the dinosaurs. There is an underlying theme that we are no better than the dinos and that we can learn alot from them. Uploaded because its a substantial amount of pages. [url]http://filebox.me/files/e17x7vvhb_911330_65%20Million%20Years%20Ago.doc[/url] Feel free to criticize i need all the help i can get.

Wow that is a lot of pages that must have taken you a long time, going to read it [b]Edit:[/b] Wow you really need to work on your grammar... [B]Edit:[/B] If I met you in real life I'd probably punch you

[QUOTE=amos106;16442564]Wow that is a lot of pages that must have taken you a long time, going to read it [b]Edit:[/b] Wow you really need to work on your grammer...[/QUOTE] It took about 2/3 of a year to write. I gave it to my English professor to proof read.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16442734]It took about 2/3 of a year to write. I gave it to my English professor to proof read.[/QUOTE] I dont think he read it.:buddy:

[QUOTE=Rank;16442744]I dont think he read it.:buddy:[/QUOTE] Well I've got to the part where they all meet after that david kid shot up the mud and yea the grammar isn't the best

[QUOTE=amos106;16442814]Well I've got to the part where they all meet after that david kid shot up the mud and yea the grammar isn't the best[/QUOTE] This is based on real people in my class.

Please read guys i want to make sure it is good.

Nobody wants to read all this, just post your favorite excerpt from it.

Protip: Ross dies.

If I had the time to proof read it... Or if I could be bothered... Post an excerpt so I can decide whether its worth my time to grammar and spelling check your story. You'd also do better posting this on fictionpress.net

This is a little bit from the first chapter. The hot sun shone through the thick tropical treetops in crevices. The air was thick and humid, almost nauseatingly humid. The chirps and squeaks of animals was everywhere. Ryan Eason got to his feet, and then immediately collapsed to his knees from the weight of his equipment. He looked around, dazed and confused for a moment. Then he glanced over at David MacNeill who was laying on his back, panting in the heat. He then looked over and saw Matt some 4 feet away from David, and Elijah over a little ways to MacNeill's right, slowly getting to his feet. “Oh my god.” came a voice from behind him. He swiveled and saw Ross kneeling on one knee, wiping sweat from his forehead. “It's so hot.”

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16446913]This is a little bit from the first chapter. The hot sun shone through the thick tropical treetops in crevices. The air was thick and humid, almost nauseatingly humid. The chirps and squeaks of animals was everywhere. Ryan Eason got to his feet, and then immediately collapsed to his knees from the weight of his equipment. He looked around, dazed and confused for a moment. Then he glanced over at David MacNeill who was laying on his back, panting in the heat. He then looked over and saw Matt some 4 feet away from David, and Elijah over a little ways to MacNeill's right, slowly getting to his feet. “Oh my god.” came a voice from behind him. He swiveled and saw Ross kneeling on one knee, wiping sweat from his forehead. “It's so hot.”[/QUOTE] Should be a comma. "Oh my God," came a voice from behind him.

[QUOTE=ilolled;16447229]Should be a comma. "Oh my God," came a voice from behind him.[/QUOTE] I always miss the small stuff.

Please if you guys could get back to me on the story (those of you who actually read all of it i thank you) you can reach me on AIM at: Imanaziwithanmp5 or on Xfire same name.

Johnnymo should rate this cause he's good with words and stuff.

There is no complexity within characters.

[QUOTE=Parky;16449332]Johnnymo should rate this cause he's good with words and stuff.[/QUOTE] No he's good with SCIENCE. :science:

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16446913]This is a little bit from the first chapter. The hot sun shone through the thick tropical treetops in crevices. The air was thick and humid, almost nauseatingly humid. The chirps and squeaks of animals was everywhere. Ryan Eason got to his feet, and then immediately collapsed to his knees from the weight of his equipment. He looked around, dazed and confused for a moment. Then he glanced over at David MacNeill who was laying on his back, panting in the heat. He then looked over and saw Matt some 4 feet away from David, and Elijah over a little ways to MacNeill's right, slowly getting to his feet. “Oh my god.” came a voice from behind him. He swiveled and saw Ross kneeling on one knee, wiping sweat from his forehead. “It's so hot.”[/QUOTE] Then he looked at the dinosaur 4.3 metres from Dr. Geoffrey Earl McGeoff esq., it was dead, almost really dead. Also it was hot. Did you gather that it was hot? I think I should further outline that it was hot. Almost nauseatingly hot.

[QUOTE=Skippy!;16450512]No he's good with SCIENCE. :science:[/QUOTE] Yes and he's very good with grammar. I like reading his posts because he writes well.

Please i really need some input, feel free to message me whenever im on.

*takes it*

[QUOTE=amos106;16442564] [B]Edit:[/B] If I met you in real life I'd probably punch you[/QUOTE] No i would probably kick your ass kid so don't fuck around.

Is that all you guys are good for is criticizing his grammar? I guess it must be hard for you all to actually think about the story and come up with your own ideas of what you thought of it, instead all you can come up with is "the grammar isn't up to my standards so its OBVIOUSLY shit". Jesus take a second to read the story and ignore the small mistakes, I'm sure this kid knows how to proof read his shit, I have a feeling he wants to know what we thought of his STORY. Alright so now on to what I thought of your story. I skimmed through it and I think something you might consider improving is giving your characters more rounded personalities that the reader can sympathize with, you gotta make your characters feel "real". Something you see writers do is throughout a whole story expand on each character, making their flaws more apparent and making them seem more human and real to the reader. Like anything in life worth working for you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but you have lots of years to get better (Rome wasn't built in a day). Just remember not to let [b]anyone[/b] get in the way of your success. Your obviously serious about being a writer, and to be honest if you keep at it and don't listen to these high and mighty pricks you'll do just fine. (and yeah that's directed at you. You reading this who has nothing to offer but negative criticism.)

oh my fucking god, the absolute biggest [b][i][u]TL;DR[/u][/i][/b] But anyway, read the first part of the chapter ^ above. Looks okay. :comeback:

How many pages are there?

[QUOTE=last_apoc;16474963]Is that all you guys are good for is criticizing his grammar? I guess it must be hard for you all to actually think about the story and come up with your own ideas of what you thought of it, instead all you can come up with is "the grammar isn't up to my standards so its OBVIOUSLY shit". Jesus take a second to read the story and ignore the small mistakes, I'm sure this kid knows how to proof read his shit, I have a feeling he wants to know what we thought of his STORY. Alright so now on to what I thought of your story. I skimmed through it and I think something you might consider improving is giving your characters more rounded personalities that the reader can sympathize with, you gotta make your characters feel "real". Something you see writers do is throughout a whole story expand on each character, making their flaws more apparent and making them seem more human and real to the reader. Like anything in life worth working for you have a lot of hard work ahead of you, but you have lots of years to get better (Rome wasn't built in a day). Just remember not to let [b]anyone[/b] get in the way of your success. Your obviously serious about being a writer, and to be honest if you keep at it and don't listen to these high and mighty pricks you'll do just fine. (and yeah that's directed at you. You reading this who has nothing to offer but negative criticism.)[/QUOTE] Thanks for the input. I was honestly kinda rushed when writing this because i released it a chapter at a time for my friends. Originally it was just something to pass the time but i really got into it.

[QUOTE=FacepunchZen;16471300]No i would probably kick your ass kid so don't fuck around.[/QUOTE] Coming from the kid that writes like a 10 year old.

[QUOTE=amos106;16487801]Coming from the kid that writes like a 10 year old.[/QUOTE] Oh yah a 10 year old could write a 62 page story.

I instant messaged this guy, it was funny he thought I was some guy named 'Eason' I lol'd.

[QUOTE=TY2D2;16488344]I instant messaged this guy, it was funny he thought I was some guy named 'Eason' I lol'd.[/QUOTE] I do not know of this Eason character but he sounds like a pretty cool guy.