I envy the elderly.
I work retail, a red-shirted price sticker sticker at Meijer, where the prices are the same as anywhere else, once they're on sale. The morning of Christmas Eve I was in the Health and Beauty aisle, wasting precious company time to fill my time clock when an elderly man stole my attention.
The man was grey haired and built like the average American: overweight. He had broad shoulders, impressive height and an expression of befuddled contempt. His mouth was open.
His lips were curled over his teeth, dentures or whatever old people have in their mouths, and his paper white eyebrows were raised. His eyes landed on mine; he knew I worked here from my black pants, cheap shoes, name tag and blank expression. He started making noise.
It first came out as a nervous babbling, but his stutter was steered into fragments of coherent sentences. His loosely formed words spat out at decibels I had not anticipated. My eyebrows hit the ceiling as he finally barked out his irksome request:
[b]
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE I CAN GET THE JUICE FOR THE DIARRHEA?”
[/b]
I was visibly stunned. Had he really just shouted at me the highly personal subject of the viscosity of his stool? Was this ancient ape of a man really reaching out to a complete stranger, an eighteen-year-old general store employee, a mere child in comparison to his timeline, for assistance in the relief of his unfortunate bowel health? Had he no shame enough to casually whisper, maybe even mumble, the current state of affairs to save himself and me from the inevitable gaze of the surrounding last-minute Christmas shoppers?
No.
He had no shame.
He was past that. He was proud. He was loud. He was a man with a purpose among the shoppers that afternoon before the eve of Christmas. He had come for an anti-diarrheal and relief. He had lived long enough to be past caring about the embarrassment of his personal indulgences. He was a man at the last decade of his life and he wanted only two things, a few bowel movements with substance, and a world where is was okay to demand it loudly.
I envy this man's courage to start a movement, a new world where we can be free to discuss our bodies, even the not so flowery parts, in a public forum without judgment from our peers, our friends, and our passersby at the supermarket. [i]I salute thee, Mr. Loosebowel[/i], and I wish to you the best for the rest of your life.
[url=www.theshadycivilians.com][img]http://photos-a.ak.fbcdn.net/photos-ak-sf2p/v5203/49/112/548909755/n548909755_1938912_2632388.jpg[/img]
Picture of me to keep because I'm pretty.[/url]
it must run in his families jeans
Oh boy.
Lovely, just lovely.
Hahahahahahahahahaha.
why does your bass player have shoes
[editline]07:08PM[/editline]
but you do not
Fuck yes Captain Bald is back.
I love your descriptive writing :D
A++ Thread,Captain Bald you make epic threads sir.
So, did he drop any good shit?
[QUOTE=4Chan User;20121397]So, did he drop any good shit?[/QUOTE]
great joke bro
if anybody else made this thread they'd get banned for a shit thread
not literally
Best thread I have read all day :smile: Thank You.
No I'm serious. Old people are awesome.
Seriously.
"Fat guy asked me for medicine."
I turned this in for my news writing class. I lost four point on it for not following AP style.
And i was about to ask whether you actually attended writing classes.
I wrote this before I took the class.
I'm just naturally better than everyone at everything I do so I'm pretty hardcore at writing.
[QUOTE=toxicpiano;20121324]Fuck yes Captain Bald is back.[/QUOTE]
He must of been gone for a good 6 months at least.
Better than some of the customers i have to deal with, most of them smell really bad of B.O, Clinically Obese and are on benefits.
then they ask some stupid shit like where is X, look for yourself you motherfuckers i have got stuff to do, more important things than showing you where every damn item on your fucking shopping list is, also i don't fucking care if you weren't satisfied with a certain product its not my fucking problem.
sometimes i feel like drop kicking people through the window and into the trolley bay
American hero
*salute*
Why would he care that a complete stranger knows that he's got diahrea, chances are you two would never meet ever again.
Mr. Loosebowel gives me hope. I feel free, free to exclaim my bowel movements at any volume that pleases me.
Greatest thread I've read on facepunch in a long time.
thank you cpt. Bald :love:
[editline]09:21PM[/editline]
I sometimes have similar problems with my bowel-movement... :frown:
[url]http://www.facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=795691[/url]
Mr. Loosebowel? That'd make quite an awesome internet alias. Doesn't beat Captain Bald though.
Captain Bald is insanely awesome
Old people, God bless their souls, are the worst. They literally just do not care. After working retail for a number of years I have an untold amount of horror stories.
They defecate and urinate in the isles and just walk away. They'll open and eat yogurt containers and then place them back on the display.
I've had people eat those 12 piece chicken wings and leave a trail of bones through the isles. They're rude, smelly, and wrinkly. God, I pray that I die before I get old.
And then he walked out of the mall, rubbed off his makeup, peeled off his false skin, and gave your details to the police.
Welcome back, captain.
I like how he referred to the medication as 'juice'.
[img]http://www.drug3k.com/img2/pepto-bismol_12002_5_(big)_.jpg[/img]
He said he wanted juice.
Or maybe he wanted the jews for the diarrea.
[img]http://www.jewishgen.org/Ukraine/families-folder/jewish-joiner1915-h300.jpg[/img]
There ARE a lot of jewy pharmacists.
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