I personally am a fan of writing and I already have kind of written several stories. This is one of my earlier attempts. I had unwisely posted it on a retard forum where nobody gave mature advice following which I gave up on this project. Yet I am facing your forum now where I shall hope I get better opinions! Anyways, here goes.
Don't expect J.K. Rowling or Dan Brown stuff, this is just me - yet!
(Yes, it's a LOT, this is only 30% of it! I have more, if any one is interested. Is anyone?)
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Chapter 1
"Ladies and gentlemen, you are requested to fasten your seatbelts as we shall soon be taking -"
"Yeah, yeah, I probably have heard it once already. No, wait, twice – or maybe I have heard it forever." said Damian, rolling his eyes at the speaker, as he seated himself beside my window seat. We fastened and double checked their seatbelts, because airplanes require passengers to, and that's where we were.
"How come you always get the window seat?” questioned Damian to whom I replied, "Be mature Damian, you are 19 and if you want it, you would have to have gotten into queue before me, instead of hanging around to flirt with girls", barely hiding the grin on my face. I loved to pin him with comments when I was enjoying something and he wasn't. "Aar, shut up, I'd take the girl anytime". Below us, the engine strained itself with the effort of pulling us up, and the images I was seeing through the window started blurring as the plane sped up. I slept through the entire journey. I wasn't particularly a fan of heights, but I'd rather be with my peaceful dreams instead of my excited brother, who made it a point to disturb me as much as he could. Finally he stopped, after I threatened to call his obsessive ex - girlfriend. We headed towards the Pacific ocean, and within hours we reached our destination - a small and rocky island with beautiful, vast mountains that looked far too dangerous to be climbed, yet I did see a tower there. Probably a radio tower. It was exactly as I had predicted, the island was very beautiful if seen from a distance, yet - too dangerous to be lived on. It's rain forest and mountains, would definitely defeat any and every person and make man bow to nature as he should - yet I wasn't surprised to find that man, alas, here too had left his traces. Rope ways to the mountain top cut across the clean blue sky and small muddy roads littered with plastic garbage, paved through the jungle. The damp and humid air making me sweaty, I removed my jacket as Damian said, "So, where are we meeting her?" to which I replied "Just around a Kilometre from the airport, some place she called as "the valley of death", quoting the words with two fingers. “Yeah right, that sounds taken straight out of a Hollywood movie. I expect dinosaurs and aliens soon." "Yeah, whatever", I said to my brother. It did sound movie-ish. We moved through the jungle in a jeep. The jeep had a rugged look, but not enough to match our driver, Ramon, who looked nothing close to humane. He was one man I would think hundreds of times before crossing and his strong and rough looks made me want to hide. He had scars all over his body and he spoke in a deep, steely voice. He drove us to the FBI camp where my girlfriend was an agent. It had been a pretty nice shock to receive after her admitting to being in the FBI, where as she had spent close to 6 or 7 months trying to convince me she was a librarian. Yet, I found out somehow, and now she insisted (Me and my brother live in the same house) us to join her at the camp on (ISLAND) because she was stationed there and she thought that since we had holidays for our university, and we knew, we'd better get involved in it. Now that we were here, I couldn’t think how she could have convinced me for a vacation – in the most of uncomfortable places. "How is it that she got permission to show us into a top FBI program?” asked my brother. I thought he had a fair point. I was just about to convey my inability to answer this question when our driver answered in a voice that almost blended with the roar of the jeep. "2 months to convince for permission from boss.” he said. We fell silent. We reached the camp at around noon and yet it was a bit dark. Probably the mountains and the trees blocked the sun or something. "(MY NAME)!”. I looked around. There she was, in a perfect black top and jeans, her hair tied around and with a gun in the holster attached to her jeans. As we hugged, kissed and fell apart, she shook hands with Damian and turned to Ramon to say, "Thanks Ramon, I'll take it from here. You can drop it for today. Probably go hunting or something with your kid?” with a smile. Ramon nodded, managed a small smile that was more like a pained expression and took off. "So, where's the camp?", I asked. "The camp? It is just this small house, you, me, Damian here and my charming assistant Ramon, whom you just met, and probably some equipment.", she said in a matter of fact tone. She said, "Alright, you guys can go to the house", as she pointed with her hand at some 50 metres away where there was a small old barn kind of thing, "and I'll join you in some time.", she said professionally. I guess this was Agent Simmers and I'd have to wait for Miss Alicia Simmers till her duty was over. I asked her if I could join her for her duty to which she hesitantly agreed - "It's not much of a duty, so you can come. I am just keeping watch currently, so yeah, okay. Damian can come too, if he wants to." Damian was already in the jeep. "Get out, dude! We aren't going anywhere, my job's here!", she said to my brother. She led us to a thick dense part of the forest behind the house and as we fought our way through it, the forest stopped existing there, and I saw sunlight. "Be careful, now, just come along with me to this ledge."
CHAPTER 2
"Ledge? What ledge?” asked my brother coming in behind us, in a timid voice. I didn't reply. I had long lost my voice as the sunlight had hit me. "WHOA!", as my brother exclaimed, summed it up. We were at the edge of a rocky cliff and below us we could see a river flowing, hundreds of metres down, whose banks were flocked by trees. The cliff was also covered with greenery and one step out of where I was would lead me to a very painful death. Across us, far away, was another cliff with almost the same stuff, as though these two cliffs had been symmetrically carved out. On it, I could see a rich and huge mansion. "Be careful now, be careful!", my girlfriend advised us. The hell we weren't going to take it. We edged around the cliff, clinging on the stone behind us for dear life and with our eyes closed, because it felt very horrifying - almost being unsupported and walking on a ledge. Thanking God, we emerged out of the other side of the ledge where there was a small set up. It had a long telescopic thing and some weapons on one side. It was a kind of a cave - You couldn't approach it from behind, the ledge was the only way in or out. I could see its advantages, but it was open to attack and if there was one, there'd be nowhere to run except down. Which was jumping? My thoughts were whisked away as an excited voice rang through the air. "Cool!” my brother said as he touched a pistol and examined it. Lisa’s eyes turned to him, but she didn't tell him off. "This is the place where I keep watch on Siko. His real name is Edmund Domes, probably of Latin American origin. But ‘Siko’ seems much scarier, eh? See that mansion across the cliff? It's his. He's the craziest killer you'll ever meet or see around, I bet.", she filled us in. "Why?", my brother chimed in. "He's a psychopath - he kills people for fun and runs the biggest slave trade you'll see in the southern hemisphere. I am here to gather information about him. He's too well protected, I'd love to get a shot at him.", she added. "Well protected?” asked Damian, sniggering. "Why don't you go ahead and snipe him from here? You got a clear shot at his bedroom!” he said. I thought he had a point. She shook her head, and told us, "See how his mansion's windows are big and glassy? They're bullet proof. He's got his private army, too. About two to three hundred people working around the clock keep watch on his house. No one can get in without permission. Did you also notice how there's a thick bush all around the house? Covers an electrified fence. 11 feet in height. Touch it, and you get to taste 5000 volts of electricity going through your body for free." Silence prevailed as we thought of all this, imagining how it would feel. "So why are you here alone? Shouldn't there be a SWAT team or something?", I questioned. "No. He's got eyes, ears and a sharp nose around the island. One guy steps in here, and he'll know, and the next thing we know, he probably flies off to another haven. Took us long enough to pin him down here. You two are here, he already knows. He thinks you're wildlife photographers, though, so you should be safe. I fed that story to the airport guys. I am one too - if someone asks." Damian and I looked at each other. This was too less of an island, and more of a private asylum. That guy practically owned the island. "Let's get out of here, Alicia, there's no chance here.” I muttered. "No. Chill out, I am close to getting to know him. I went to one of his parties at the Nockmon – One of his nightclubs", she added to our questioning looks, "last Friday and danced and fooled around. That got his attention, the bastard -”, she said, with a smirk and continued – “He should be sending some men to get me, soon." "WHAT?" My voice rang out and echoed back from the valley. "It's all business, (MY NAME), it's the old plan. Get close to him, and kill him and all that stuff. “, she said in a light tone. I sat down and stared at her. And kept staring. She looked steely and determined. As if I was ever going to agree to let her do this stuff. "So, wh –“ I started, steering my thoughts away from these shocking facts. But she had looked away towards the grey sky. "There's going to be a storm, soon. Let's get out of here.” she said. We followed her back across the ledge and it made no difference to us if it was our second time doing this, we were still terrified. At least I was.
CHAPTER 3
"No. No. Please. Spare me."
Laughter pierced the ears of the man who was pleading. The man saw a pair of shoes coming closer to his face. Because the man was tied upside down. To a tree in the island’s rainforest. Below him he could see hundreds and hundreds of feet of nothingness. "I shall not.” the man in the suit said, as though that ended it. As he stepped closer to the tied up man and crouched to look into the tied man's eyes, sunlight fell across his face and highlighted his features. He was a young man, with a cruel look in his eyes, dressed from toe to head in white. He had a French beard and dark hair. Had the situation been any other, the tied man would have found him handsome. Tears fell from the tied man's eyes and he pleaded, "Please... I have my children waiting for me at home... Please let me go... I beg of you...” "Oh, very well.” said the man in the suit. "You have children? How many?” he asked delicately. "Pleas - 2", the tied man said, his speech becoming a bit harder to understand, because he was sobbing. "You have a wife?", the suited man asked. "No.... she's dead... please, please; spare me...” he cried. “Very well. We shall fetch them, and tie them alongside you. So that you don't have to die alone.” the man in the suit said. "WHA - NO! NO! PLEASE NO! KILL ME! PLEASE, I SWEAR I'LL DO ANY -", interrupted by a slap, the man in the suit spat at the tied man and stared at him. “Shut his mouth, it’s interrupting my flow”, he said, waving his arms in a wavy fashion. “You feel that? The forest. Aah. Listen it it. It’s secrets…” A grin flew across his lips and he playfully hummed a tune, as though nothing were wrong. The tied man's mouth was stuffed with some material and as bad as his word, he saw his innocent young being tied alongside him. "Papa... Papa...” they cried, yet their pitiful and young innocent looks didn't deter the man in the suit.
“Have you any words for your children? Anything you may be preaching and teaching them? Honesty, justice or fairness in this world? If yes, I’ll give you time to retract your teachings and teach them about the real, cruel world, my friend. Does being honest help you live in this world? Alas, no. Well, look at you – tied to a tree about to be killed on an island I own, not much justice stands for, does it? I see no justice coming to rescue you here. ” he ended with a sly smile, and laughed softly.
The tied man’s brow was sticky with tears flowing out of his eyes which had now dried there. But his fear of death was now replaced by anger. If he were to die, he’d better die proudly. He tried to mumble something. “Alright – remove that thing, let’s hear what he’s saying. I am sure it will be amusing to hear!”, he motioned to one of his men. As soon as the material was out - “Go to hell. There’s no place in even hell for killers like you.” he spat. “Well, well, well. That was enlightening. Though – if I were to advise you, whatever satisfaction saying that gives you - in the end, you shall still die. You want to die with your head held high? That is difficult, if you ask me, seeing you are tied.” he said, corners of his mouth twitching. “However, let us not make this grave situation funny anymore and I shall allow you to die, now.”
The man in the suit took an axe propped nearby on a tree and for a slight moment allowed his mind a moment of leisure as he watched the fear clouding those children’s eyes and the man’s frantic attempts to release himself. The tied man struggled and applied his strength as he had never before. And finally! He broke free of his chains which had tied his hands, and just as he reached to grasp the nearest piece of solid ground, a reassurance, the man in the suit chopped off the branch to which they were tied, with a single thud. He fell and his hands flew to the nearest piece of ground and he grasped it. But - his hands started bleeding as he scraped hopelessly, the ground, and frantically looked for something to hold, but, defeated by gravity, he gave up. The last thing the tied man saw, were his children, and he clutched them in his arms as they fell down in the deep valley, to join their mother. Hundreds of metres above him, the man in the suit looked calmly over the edge and after hearing a thud on the rocks below him, satisfied, motioned his guards to follow him back to his car.
CHAPTER 4
Not too far from this tree, (MY NAME) was snoring in an old house.
I found myself going around in routine with Alicia, and my brother, waking up each day to look forward to more snooping and all that. It got boring, and my brother was getting restless. Just when we decided to get back to our small but cozy home in (MY HOMETOWN), some serious shit happened.
One fine day, we – Ramon, Damian, Alicia and I, we were just starting our day when one of the weird looking equipment screamed with a siren. We panicked and Alicia started doing stuff on it and said “There are people heading this way.” And sure enough, we could hear the faint sound of a car approaching. As though our life depended on it, we started packing each and every thing that we could handle. Put it this way – we stuffed all that shit in the old house’s basement. As we all burst upstairs with cameras that Alicia had handed to us, we tried to look our part as photographers and Damian went crazy and started capturing photos of normal looking trees. Five to six hunky looking fellows with red bandanas and the same uniform, a greenish blue tinged armour worn over a pair of military jeans, descended from the truck. Clutching deadly looking rifles, they approached us and one of them in a thick voice asked us to back off, to check us. We were frisked, thankfully Alicia having had no gun on her at that moment. Once all this was done, the same guy who looked as he might be their leader, asked Alicia, “You Alicia?” They were probably stupid enough to not notice that Alicia being a female name and she being the only female in our small gang, she was ought to be. Anyways, Alicia nodded and they without a word caught her around the wrists and started dragging her off. “What the – HEY! Now just wait a sec –“, I started and was interrupted into silence as their leader moved to within an inch of my face, as though daring me to speak more. “Where are you taking her?” I asked, keeping my stare as friendly as I could. “Not your business. You leave. You leave.”, he said in a strong voice, with a finger pointed at me and one raised eyebrow, head slightly tilted and all in all, in a very frightening way. Alicia widened her eyes behind him and told me to back off, in short. I did as she asked, for now. They turned without any further delay and took off with her.
[I]End of available chapters (to you!).[/I]
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I have yet NOT named my character nor found a suitable hometown. Once I find some interesting names, I shall!
Thank you for the time.
I give no one permission to copy this - be it shit, be it awesome.
I think you should write in your first language, I can't find a single sentence written correctly in this. Even with that issue aside, I don't see any potential for you and/or your story. Sorry.
Aww, that's alright! The least I can say is, it's a better opinion than something like "F*** THIS, WHO READS"
To be honest it's not bad. I don't see a potential in THIS story itself at all either, however I don't agree with what Mako said. There's a lot of room for improvement, sure - but no where is it deserved to be rated like that.
A couple other things--all the chapters are very short, compared to regular book chapters, which makes me think you're probably not that comfortable writing long stuff (forgive me if I'm wrong). Have you thought about planning and writing some shorter stories, maybe 5-10 pages, before you try something as ambitious as a whole book? That way you can get the satisfaction of completing something and get some experience at the same time.
You should definitely write very short stories first, no chapters. There are many advantages to it, like the fact that it's easier to receive feedback since more people are willing to read it.
Thank you very much, bunguer, TH89 and Dr. Ben Dover for those kind replies. I have written some short stories. I think long books are a no go for me. Though I doubt if I will have the will to share those, seeing the first reply to my "book"! (Yes - constructive criticism be it - it's a bit hurting)
Read my story and I'll read yours, we can swap reads!
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