Please help i think satan is making my fingernails grow abnormally fast.
19 replies, posted
I was reading some passages from the QU'RET AL-YEZID out loud this morning as a joke to some people, but now my fingernails won't stop growing i'm scared and it's getting out of hand.
I clipped them this morning, saw they were long again, figured i just missed some spots and clipped again. Then i kept looking at them and each time they were as long if not longer than before. I've resorted to biting my nails because every time i fucking noticed my fingernails they are long again. My only thought is the passages i read this morning, i think i summoned satan, or worse, been possessed by him. Every time i look at the bibles in my house i wretch and almost vomit. I'm about to go to my church because i seriously think this is the problem. I'm not on meds or drugs i'm a healthy guy. Please help has this happened to anyone before? I don't want to go to hell. I'm not even religious thats why i read the passages as a joke thinking nothing would happen. I don't want to die of long fingernails can that happen? please help
I like your avatar.
pictures
or get the fuck out
Jump out a window.
True possessed children will begin to float prior to impact.
[editline]29th August 2012[/editline]
Alternatively, attempt to projectile vomit like in the Exorcist, film it and make mad bank.
Video of you cutting them and then them growing back, otherwise this is an incredibly obvious fake.
Im Catholic, I know what to do.
first, go outside with a bible, When you're outside scream into the air (with the bible open while doing the sign of the cross over and over)
[B]"FUCK YOU, SATAN! IM NOT AFRAID OF YOU! SATAN CAN SUCK MY HOLY DICK AND GET THE FUCK OUT!"[/B]
Repeat every three hours three times (holy trinity) and satan will get the fuck out.
Give us some pictures for proof.
I've had a similar problem; when I was about four years old, I accidentally spat on a bible at church, and since then my fingernails have grown at a rate of about 3 inches a day. They're actually very useful; I don't need to use toothpicks for hors duerves, and, in fact, I've sculpted my left ring finger nail into a serrated knife for when I eat steaks or pork.
My satanically-enhanced finger nails have also protected me from danger on more than one occasion; I was once cornered in an alley in the bad part of town by a mugger, who demanded all of my money. I didn't have any money to give him (and told him so) but he pulled a knife on me, so I used my nails to punch holes in him like a baked potato.
In addition, having abnormally long nails opens up a number of halloween costume opprotunities (it's just 2 months away!). You could paint them silver and be Edward Scissorhands, Freddy Krueger, or Wolverine (although Wolverine would require some more doing). Or, if your costume budget is really, really small (and it will be since most places aren't willing to hire someone with freakishly long nails), you could just walk around with your arms outstretched and be your own horrifying self.
If, however, you really, [I]really [/I]want to get rid of your newfound gift, some solutions posited to me have been surgery to remove your nails, amputation, an exorcism, washing your hands with holy water, or cutting off the blood flow to your hand until it becomes gangrenous and letting the nails fall off.
The only cure is to go to Mexico and find El Queso de Diablo, take a small piece off of the cheese. This will summon Mephisto, who will proceed to fistfuck you until you vomit a horse dildo. The ritual is now complete, and Satan has left your body.
Cut off your hands
Problem solved, thanks for posting on FP.
[QUOTE=Disotrtion;37461789]Cut off your hands
Problem solved, thanks for posting on FP.[/QUOTE]
I was also affected by this problem, I tried your solution and I cut off two of my hands, but how do I cut off the one that remains?
Before you cure them, be sure to capture some prisoners of war and let the nails grow through them, bamboo torture style.
[QUOTE=Deiru;37461858]I was also affected by this problem, I tried your solution and I cut off [B]two[/B] of my hands, but how do I cut off the one that remains?[/QUOTE]
You have three hands? Uhhh, I guess you'll have to gnaw it off or something.
[QUOTE=Disotrtion;37461920]You have three hands? Uhhh, I guess you'll have to gnaw it off or something.[/QUOTE]
You [i]don't[/i] have three hands?
Who doesn't have [b]three[/b] hands?
If Satan were to possess you, he wouldn't expend the effort of actually doing something like this. It'd be funnier to alter your perception in such a way that you'd think you had long fingernails.
Try scraping your face with your fingernails. If you exsanguinate, then you have excellent nails and a pure soul. If you live, your blasphemy has cost you your purity, and suicide is your only redemption. Seek death now or forever remain the agent of the wicked and a harbinger of chaos.
It's getting out of HAND. Hahahaha, that's a really good one, man.
Become the man with the worlds longest fingernails, get world records, get bitches.
File them away regularly with a chalkboard.
Phase one: Allow it to happen.
Phase two: Become wolverine.
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