I'm an atheist, and a rationalist. I hold no spiritual beliefs at all. Still, I came as close today to a 'religious' experience as I'm ever likely to have, and I wanted to share this absurd feeling.
I've been struggling with depression lately. Much in life is going wrong. My family is struggling financially. My father, who is fifty-six years old, is in a state of deteriorating health, mentally and physically. Both he and my mother have been out of a good job for some time, and they're losing hope.
My own face was recently marred by a genetic skin condition that an attack of seasonal allergies triggered - Eczema darkens the skin around my eyes dramatically and discolors random patches of skin on my forehead and around my mouth. My lips are blackened worse than any smoker's, and I've smoked just one cigarette my whole life. The funniest part (That I don't really feel much like laughing at) is that stress worsens the problem - And my life is not stress-free by any stretch of the imagination.
I went to the offices of a security company in Toronto today to fill out an application and submit my resume. I've got absolutely no money in my bank account and I need to settle a credit card bill - something the bank makes sure I don't forget. I shudder to think of what this is doing to my credit rating. Borrowed some money from my folks for the trip. Now the problem is that the trip there takes three and a half hours - and the trip back takes longer, because the bus I need to catch is notoriously infrequent. Two buses, two subway trains each way. I fell asleep a total of three times on a bus or train today, which tends to leave one cranky. Bitching about all this on Facepunch is bringing back the bad mood I was in, so I'll get to the good part.
[B]The relevant part begins here:[/B]
I tend to take something to read along with me when I travel to the city, because the trip is goddamn boring. This time it was Tolkien's [I]The Fellowship of the Ring.[/I] I've read it a few times before, but I can't afford to buy any new books, so there I was again, on my way back from Toronto, reading on the bus (Which had showed up ten minutes late). I was tired, irritated by the fact I'd blown seven hours of my day applying for one job, and trying to distract myself with the book so I'd keep from dozing off again. I reached the part in the book where Frodo receives Sting and the mithril undercoat from Bilbo before the Fellowship departs from Rivendell. Bilbo, who is known for his ability to compose songs and poems, and is generally well-read, turns toward the window and looks out at the valley, and murmurs to himself a snippet of song:
[I]I sit beside the fire and think of all that I have seen,
of meadow-flowers and butterflies in summers that have been;
Of yellow leaves and gossamer in autumns that there were,
with morning mist and silver sun and wind upon my hair.
I sit beside the fire and think of how the world will be
when winter comes without a spring that I shall ever see.
For still there are so many things that I have never seen:
in every wood, in every spring, there is a different green.
I sit beside the fire and think of people long ago,
and people who will see a world that I shall never know.
But all the while I sit and think of times there were before,
I listen for returning feet and voices at the door.[/I]
These lines I'd read four or five times before, but this time, for some reason, they struck a chord within me. Almost without realizing it, I closed the book and glanced out of a window. The bus, at this time, was traveling on a highway overpass. I saw the westering sun, still fairly high in the sky (a deep blue with wisps of white cloud), shining on fields of a rich green, with rolling, grassy plains and clumps of trees that stretched as far as I could see. Here and there farmland homesteads or clumps of suburban roofs were visible, and I could see - because I suddenly found myself looking for it - The gentle curvature of the earth's surface. Directly before me stretched a straight highway, along which hundreds of cars marched in neat lines like ants, fading into the distance - People trying to get home from work. Each of those cars contained at least one other human life - Each life had its own crises, its own tragedies, its own hopes, dreams, joys, sorrows, dark and shameful secrets, weird sexual kinks, and worldview built on the sum of years of experience that particular life had. Some would be people more intelligent than I - More would have less active minds. How many in those cars ever stepped back and looked at the big picture, as I suddenly felt compelled to? I would never fully understand a single one of those people, or see the world as they do, not if I spent the rest of my life in that person's company. The world has a population of seven billion people. Everyone has a story, and no two stories are the same. Everyone sees him or herself as the protagonist of his or her own personal drama.
I seemed to see, superimposed over the view from that bus window, two other vistas in my mind's eye. The same beautiful landscape - One with no signs of humanity - wilder, greener, more primeval. The other image showed that landscape further developed, with factories and a wider highway, and the lights of a sprawling silver city stretched like a spider's web over it all. A possible future that had not yet come to pass, and one that I would probably never see. How many people who lived before the renaissance could ever have pictured, in their wildest fantasies, the towering monoliths of steel and glass that make up our cities, those wonders of engineering we never glance twice at - Or the aircraft that leave trails of vapor across the skies? Who could ever have pictured something like the internet, practically all the world's information accessible from anywhere? To quote Doctor Breen: For the first time, as a species, immortality is within our reach. Scientists are toying with the aging gene. I'm certain that if they crack it, I'll either be dead or too old by then for it to comfort me. What wonders will future generations discover and create? How far and how fast will humanity advance before we look back at the 21st century and wonder how humanity ever managed to get by?
for an instant, I could *feel* all those other lives, like white noise. And I began to wonder how many were born, grew up, and died, without ever asking themselves these questions - without ever looking beyond themselves to laugh at the absurdity of the big picture. Then my thoughts stretched beyond our solar system into our galaxy, into our universe. Who can say how many other intelligent species began, flourished, and died out there before the first Homo Sapiens opened its eyes? How many lives have come and gone since this universe began? How many exist now? How many are still to come? How the hell do we know this is the only universe? These numbers are so large that no analogy could even scratch the surface, and the mind can not picture them all. I have spent - wasted - 21 years of my life. At most I'll live to be a hundred. I'll more likely die at seventy or eighty. A flash - a completely imperceptible instant in time - Until the temperature of the universe cools, equalizes, and fades into the background. That's all I get. That's all you get.
All of history and time - every drama, comedy, and love story in the entire universe, let alone our pale blue dot - is playing itself out over the duration of a single explosion.
And we kill. People extinguish the lives of other people out of a sense of righteous entitlement, or because they believe they're the only people who are real, who matter - and that their personal worldviews are the only right ones. Isn't that simply absurd? Religious sects beyond counting, each claiming that they have knowledge beyond all doubt that the divine figure they imagine is the only one that is real. We go through our lives so goddamn selfishly, always caught up in our own troubles, envious and resentful of other people we imagine have perfect lives, never stopping to wonder what demons haunt [I]them.[/I] There's so much about this world, let alone others, that I'll never know. So many people worth knowing I'll never meet. So many lovers I'll never find. I have another sixty years at most - So little time.
[I]What the hell are we doing with our lives?[/I]
Why do we play video games, or spend so long online? We're trying to escape ourselves, live lives that seem better than our own, by living through characters with great prowess in combat, more sex appeal, better social standing, more money. Or pretending on internet forums to be the people we want to be, rather than facing the truth of who we are.
All the while, we're wasting time we could be using to follow our own dreams, or attain those goals. We've lost the big picture completely, and we're stuck in a rut.
For the first time in years, I feel at peace with the universe, my fatigue has disappeared, and I know how I need to proceed. May I never forget this feeling.
We only live once, and we live only for an instant.
Damn it, make it count.
Not to the universe at large. Not necessarily to the world, or to your parents, but for yourself.
So that when you get old, you can look at the big picture and not regret a wasted life, or missed opportunities.
I'm going out for a walk.
We need more threads like these
i want what you're smoking
This sounds like some of the things I think of when I'm high.
You sure you're not blazed
very motivational, i'll tell you that.
OP, write a book
An interesting, enlightening read. I think I'll take a walk as well.
reminds me of that time my dentist gave me too much novocaine and i started ranting on about getting my dog golden teeth for an hour
In Singapore, Nirvana is a place where Buddhists get cremated while the attendees watch laser shows and cool stuffs.
I thought you went there.
Someone get Kurt Cobain in here!!!!!!
Dude, that is some awesome stuff right there.
You have discovered this glimpse of 'Nirvana' (as you so have so aptly titled it) so that you may continue to walk in the light and reap every reward - it is your being that seeks the truth. Radiate this glorious happiness to the benefit of everyone around you, for in this life it is the courage of few that will inspire the happiness of many.
Namaste, Brother.
So basically this?
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XAVDXIA00ic[/media]
Yeah pretty much.
Woa...
Very good read. I also felt a personal connection because I have felt like this before, a lot.
Hey, man. I know how you feel.
My doctor gave me this wicked painkiller after I got my shoulder fucked up.
Hey guys, what has 6 arms, 6 legs, and 2 heads?
[sp]Nirvana[/sp]
[QUOTE=archangel125;30999161]for an instant, I could *feel* all those other lives, like white noise.[/QUOTE]
OP is a Jedi
Maybe it's my small mind, but I've seen the so-called big picture about twice in my entire life and never managed to hold onto the memory of the entire experience.
I only remember that I felt really enlightened, like all of a sudden everything that ever was completely and totally makes sense. Also another feeling I've only heard put into words well once:
"...we're [I]all[/I] 'someone else' to someone else."
Well told, friend, but I beg to differ. Gaming and such is here, not because we want an escape to our lives but because we want to better it. We do ti because it makes us happy, and it makes us happy because it is allowing us to train and get skills without getting ourselves in harm's way. This isn't me speaking, it's how evolutionary biology explains sports and video games and, dare I day, every form of entertainment
[QUOTE=MountainWatcher;31000731] This isn't me speaking, it's how evolutionary biology explains sports and video games[/QUOTE]
no it's not
You basically just meditated. I do this whenever I'm feeling stressed out or I'm in a rut. I'll sit outside on a this bench swing we have on our deck and just watch trees, look at the sky, look at my hands, and try and try to think more about these things I often take for granted.
[QUOTE=thisispain;31000783]no it's not[/QUOTE]
P sure I read in some well-considered science magazine.
And yes, virtual worlds provide more happiness than real worlds, but we don't turn to V. worlds because we prefer that V world, we do it because it gives us more happiness, not because you're living a different life, but because you're helping the life you own. And I guess you forget all the bad shit too, so that's a point in your favor, but a man with no problems to make him sad would still prefer V worlds to nothing, even if it won't make him forget anything.
This was beautiful
You are a beautiful person
[img]http://profile.ak.fbcdn.net/hprofile-ak-snc4/50275_154036797950773_3528_n.jpg[/img]
Nah but seriously, it's called a moment of clarity, OP.
Thats kinda on the amazing side.
archangel I missed your shit, where were you?
OP, I shall treasure this thread for as long as I live.
Thought of
[IMG]http://img847.imageshack.us/img847/7587/nirvanasmellsliketeensp.jpg[/IMG]
Hwha... Hol..
Holy shit. Thanks, I kinda needed a read like that.
I have moments like this maybe once or twice every 5 years or so, it's a moment of self-happiness when everything around you is going wrong. Make the most of it.
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