I chose to write this one evening when I had to figure out something for english.[I]“
Load em up boys, we have two hours before we move to the DMZ and I know you all want to be prepared for what is about to come.”[/I] Adal sighed, his body and mind still half asleep due to the rude awakening from Sergeant Orman’s announcement on the speakers. Rubbing his eyes and scratching his dirt brown hair, Adal raised his upper body so that it was vertical to the wall in which the bed was situated next to.
“Doesn’t the stiff know that we need our beauty sleep?” A raspy voice joked in the background. Turning his head Adal had noticed that it was in fact his buddy Geron, a comical fellow who would try to find a silver lining in almost every bad situation. Adal gave off a cheeky grin aimed towards Geron as he raised himself from his bed and began to get changed. As he pulled on his military issued overalls he began to speak “Yeah, and judging by the looks of things he could do with one himself!” Everyone in the barracks began to laugh, even the more “high brow” types. Geron, turned to the group of men and enthusiastically began to speak “You said it Adal, I wouldn’t be surprised if-“ Geron’s and Adal’s banter had ended as quickly as it had started, Sergeant Orman had entered the barracks and all the men stood to attention.
“Well well well, what do we have here. A sorry ass group of nancy boys that’s what!” Sergeant Orman began to pace up and down the narrow path in between the beds, attempting to avoid the piles of clutter scattered across the barracks. Adal still not entirely geared up began to attempt getting ready without Orman noticing, slowly sliding his arms through the vest in which according to “experts” give you a larger chance of survival when shot. Adal didn’t believe it, but it would have to do in his line of work.
“What’s going on sir?” said one of the other men in the room. Adal examined the lad, he was a young chap, late teens or early twenties. He had a kind aura about him, most probably his light blue eyes that seemed to show that he still had some innocence unlike most men of that age.
“Change of plans, we have a special guest attending our outpost to rally you boys.” Replied Orman. As much as the Sergeant seemed aggressive, Adal and many of the other soldiers knew that he was kind at heart. He was a family man, and brought many of those qualities into the job. He was firm, tough and sometimes lost his cool, but he treated every man that he came across with respect. “So, let’s have you out in the courtyard in around five minutes. Chop chop!
The men did not need to be asked twice, they sped up their pace and clothed themselves in their uniforms.
“So who do you think it is?” Geron asked Adal as he strapped up his boots.
“Dont know, but whoever it is must be important. Didn’t you see the Sergeant? He looked a bit rattled to me.”
“Really? I notice that, maybe he just has a lot of work to do. Sergeants don’t get it easy, you know.”
“Hmm, maybe, but it could be, you know.”
“I doubt it, he wouldn’t come here, it’s just a small outpost in the middle of a dam forest. If you ask me I don’t even see why we are here, what could we possibly do here that would in any way help the country.”
“Yeah, but you can’t be sure on that”
Adal reached for his helmet, and with a firm grasp, placed it on his head. It was uncomfortable to Adal, but a soldier needs all the protection he can get, even if it seems they are in no danger.
After around three minutes of labour trying to get the heavy equipment and clothing on, the men made their way to the courtyard where all the other soldiers where. Adal examined the other units, they were all in separate lines from each other, holding flags and weaponry. Sergeant Orman yelled for the men, he was perpendicular to the others, and that is where Adals’ unit was going to have to stand.
As the men made their way to the Sergeant, there was a slight kafuffle in getting them to all line up straight. Adal, noticing some of the newbie’s helped and directed them where they should be standing.
“Alright, flaggers in the front, mains second and subs in the back.” Adal told the lads as he took his respective position on the far right of the mains.
“Who’d you think it is?” asked the man beside him.
“Don’t know, but we will find out soon enough.”
Twenty minutes went by and still no one had come to greet them. The soldiers had become weary of waiting and began to have some idle chit chat, however this came to a halt as Sergeant Orman voiced “ATTENTION!”
Adal and the rest of the soldiers fell silent as a car pulled in through the courtyard, who was it? Why was he here, and what was he going to do? All these questions came into Adals mind, however these questions were answered, it was their mentor, their savior, the man that represented all that was good and trichinous. The men raised their arms horizontal to their bodies, yelling at the top of their lungs “Hail Hitler”.
That conclusion was really really good. I was not expecting that. Good job.
The description is a bit strange in some parts. Mostly when you're describing the positioning of things
( Adal raised his upper body so that it was vertical to the wall in which the bed was situated next to. )
But other than that, overall pretty good. It wasn't overly detailed but it could have done with just a little more I think, emotional and some comparisons maybe, to give a feeling instead of just a mental picture.
Keep it up though.
[editline]06:16AM[/editline]
Also, I wouldn't recommend trying to get any criticism for writing on Facepunch. No-one ever replies - _ - I've posted some of my stuff multiple times and the most replies I've gotten was still less than 5.
[QUOTE=Dclone2;20508740]That conclusion was really really good. I was not expecting that. Good job.
The description is a bit strange in some parts. Mostly when you're describing the positioning of things
( Adal raised his upper body so that it was vertical to the wall in which the bed was situated next to. )
But other than that, overall pretty good. It wasn't overly detailed but it could have done with just a little more I think, emotional and some comparisons maybe, to give a feeling instead of just a mental picture.
Keep it up though.
[editline]06:16AM[/editline]
Also, I wouldn't recommend trying to get any criticism for writing on Facepunch. No-one ever replies - _ - I've posted some of my stuff multiple times and the most replies I've gotten was still less than 5.[/QUOTE]
Thanks alot for your input, to be honest I am happy that one person replied.
You have quite a few grammatical errors. (mainly discretions with predicate and nominative case, a couple comma rule errors, an appositive or two)
To criticize the story itself, you had far too much dialogue and focused on certain things. With a short story, the only thing you want to have a lot of is description-- give the reader a rough idea of the layout of the setting but DO NOT fill in details, for god's sake. That's the most important part of literature, IMO. You let the reader scape the world (and characters; this is why books with character illustrations on the front never reach the popularity of the same books non-illustrated.) to their liking, ie what would entice their imagination the most.
Conclusion was ok. A good start.
[QUOTE=Equidistratic;20519940]You have quite a few grammatical errors. (mainly discretions with predicate and nominative case, a couple comma rule errors, an appositive or two)
To criticize the story itself, you had far too much dialogue and focused on certain things. With a short story, the only thing you want to have a lot of is description-- give the reader a rough idea of the layout of the setting but DO NOT fill in details, for god's sake. That's the most important part of literature, IMO. You let the reader scape the world (and characters; this is why books with character illustrations on the front never reach the popularity of the same books non-illustrated.) to their liking, ie what would entice their imagination the most.
Conclusion was ok. A good start.[/QUOTE]
I would disagree. I like having some idea of the characters I'm reading about and the setting they're in. The dialogue made me empathize with these characters more, making me think they were just normal guys which is exactly what it should have done. Honestly I would have liked more description with more feeling and less structured "The wall was flat and cracked, and dusty... etc."
I like description like "Fine hairline cracks ran up the gritty, dust covered walls; its original smoothness being lost to age..."
But that's just my opinion.
Far be it from me to tell you how to think, but that's not what the reading world at large looks for. Unless you're autistic, the brain prefers to process descriptions as a hazy mold which it fills in to its liking.
[QUOTE=Equidistratic;20540486]Far be it from me to tell you how to think, but that's not what the reading world at large looks for. Unless you're autistic, the brain prefers to process descriptions as a hazy mold which it fills in to its liking.[/QUOTE]
Stephen King seems to be really popular and he puts in loads of details.
And I mean loads.
No, he doesn't. He might describe a broader area in his settings, or outline more of his characters, but that doesn't mean he tells you what they look like.
I have to agree with Equidistratic, there was too much dialogue about certain things. E.g: "it was in fact his buddy Geron, a comical fellow who would try to find a silver lining in almost every bad situation."
Show me that he likes to find silver linings during a bad situation through his personality, do not just tell me directly that he does. If that makes sense.
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