Back in november I wanted to write a novel for the novel writing month. I couldn't think of something to write about, so I never bothered. Recently I thought up a decent idea, but then I realized I have no experience in writing. So I wrote this to test out the concept, and my writing style.
[quote] It's almost sunrise. Why am I driving at 5 AM? The lack of sleep kinda makes everything fuzzy.. Driving down a highway sleepy sucks but not this bad. Wait getting a crazed call from a 'vampire' at midnight probably has something to do with it. Yeah it has a lot to do with it. I bet she's not even a blood sucking vampire, one of those fake psychic vampires or someshit. Sometimes I hate people.
The street lights are hypnotizing, but the stray fluorescent bulb in the endless stream of yellow snaps me back. I'm probably about fifteen minutes away from their house. Actually it's probably five because I guarantee I was asleep. I should probably at least try to stay awake. I really hope it's something genuine, the chances of that happening are slim though. I reach into the front seat of my car and feel for it, the smooth surface of a glass baseball. Maybe it'll be useful tonight. Then again there's probably not anything actually wrong.
I see the exit sign and pull the car off of the highway. What if they caught their house on fire? That would be pretty awesome actually. Wait what were they calling about? Fuck that was an hour ago, that's not even a long time ago. Or maybe they were just screaming nonsense. Yeah they were just screaming nonsense. I clear my head and turn onto their house street, complete trash neighborhood. Looks like another nutjob call. I see the house as described, complete with sun faded Grand Prix with bumper stickers on it. God I love America.
Pulling into the driveway I grab my ball and step over the cracks in the driveway .The door knocker is a little butt hanging from the door with a sack as the knocker. Jesus tittyfucking christ why would anyone buy that? I ring the doorbell expecting dixieland. It just dings. Mildly pleased at that.
An exceptionally skinny woman answers the door. “You're that ghost problem guy right? Yeah we got a problem upstairs. I'm Leslie.”
“I'm Mr. Kenedy. Well, you see, I was too busy gorging on my diet of crack and hookers so I forgot what I was supposed to do. I think I heard vampire.”
“Whoa you do crack too? But yeah Denise over there is a vampire and Ed locked herself in her room threatening to kill herself”
I step inside. “We talking blood vampires or some sort of pussy ass vegetable vampire here? Because if it's a vegetable vampire I'm just going to throw steak on her.”
Skinny leads me upstairs. I catch some girl in a mohawk in the other room, probably miss vegetable vampire. Skinny starts talking, “Uhh okay but yeah she's a psychic vampire, she feeds on your psychic energy. But Ed's angry about it or something, she must have drained her energy and now she's locked herself in the room and demanded a psychic. So we called you.”
Called it. “Skinny, I just told you I was going to throw steak on someone. I'm not a psychic. In fact you called the last person you would ever want when dealing with delicate matters.” We arrived at the bathroom door. I pull the baseball out of my pocket, nothing. I'll just throw it at her if shit goes down. “Now if you'll excuse me, i'm going to open the door.”
I slowly turn the knob, take a step backwards, and kick open the door. I was aiming at saying something kickass, like “DY-NO-MITE” but after I saw what was inside it just turned into a “DY-NOOOOooooooodear”
There was blood. Everywhere. I seriously mean everywhere. The entire surface of the room was covered in an unnatural coat of blood, almost dried. The smell of the room hit me like a truck, like a copper meat factory. I hear a thud behind me, probably skinny. I look around in the small bathroom and there's seriously nothing left besides a coat of blood, as if she exploded into a fine particulate mist. I want to take a step in.
I start to get light headed, jump up and my peripheral vision starts to fade. I hear ringing. I think this has happened befo
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The formatting took one for the team due to the lack of formatting on the forums. And I am aware the beginning and the ending sucks.
But please read it and seriously tell me what you think, none of this deviantart "its gr8 man keep workin" shit.
I noticed a few tense issues. The whole story is set in the present, however, when describing the blood, you use past, which you shouldn't.
Yeah it's poorly edited, there's a lot more stupid errors. I wrote it to see if i could write a story that wasn't completely awful.
My goal is "better than harry potter fan-fiction" and I'm not one to judge if it's terrible since I wrote it.
2nd to last paragraph:
[quote]There was [B]blood[/B]. [B]Everywhere[/B]. I seriously mean [B]everywhere[/B]. The [B]entire surface of the room was covered in an unnatural coat of blood[/B], almost dried. The smell of the room hit me like a truck, like a copper meat factory. I hear a thud behind me, probably skinny. I look around in the small bathroom and there's seriously [B]nothing left besides a coat of blood,[/B] as if she exploded into a fine particulate mist. I want to take a step in.[/quote]
You really don't need to stress this so much. Also, in the sentence 'The smell of the room hit me like a truck, like a copper meat factory.', you use like right next to each other, not a major problem but it bugs me.
Also, you're missing a few commas in the beginning bit.
Why did you post this long story, i bet 40% would read it.
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