A slightly gory short story I wrote. C&C please :D - General

Well, just in time for Halloween I guess. >:) Wrote it in about 15 minutes or so. Constructive criticism is greatly appreciated. I'm only 16 and I really want to improve my writing techniques. Here it is: I clasped the rough grip of the pocketknife between my thumb and forefinger. The muscles in my arm were anticipating to strike like a King Cobra eying a small field mouse with intention to kill. My body was rigid behind the half open door, awaiting the imminent leap. The attack would require agility, strength, and precision in order to succeed without being harmed myself. Adrenaline was coursing through my veins in response to my fear and anxiety of the task ahead. The footsteps approached silently and stealthily. I held my breath. The figure dressed in complete black attire darted his head inside the room. I was not seen. He eyed the figure lying in the bed, assuming it was a person sleeping. The thoughts of the man were intent on killing whoever lie in the bed. His sadistic mind was savoring the thought of taking a life. I braced myself and was ready to do what was necessary. My ears twitched as I heard a knife come unsheathed. I saw a right foot creep through the doorway, next an arm, the torso, a leg, and then finally the head. The act was quickly completed. My arm rose and the knife slammed into the back of the intruder’s neck, piercing the layers of skin, muscles, and veins like a birthday cake. Except, this was no celebration of birth, it was the advent of death. The blade surfaced on the frontal side of the man’s neck as a bloodcurdling growl was released from what was left of his severed air passage. What had to be done was done. First falling to his knees and then collapsing face first into a pool of his own blood, the life tinkled out of the malevolent man. My fingers hesitantly reached the neck and felt no more pulse. The knife was left sticking in the neck. I didn’t want to touch the weapon once more. I had defended myself—outsmarted this man who was intending to kill me. My defense was stronger than his offense. His judgment was hastily done. The room was dark, and on my bed there had appeared to be a sleeping figure. The dead man only realized this as he fell to his knees and let out his last breath, realizing his folly. A deadly mistake it was. I crept over to the bed and pulled off the blanket. It was such a simplistic illusion but it proved to be misleading enough in the dark. I had silently placed a stack of pillows lying vertically beneath the blanket as soon as I had heard the figure sliding open my window ever so slowly. I had been lying in bed awake, unable to sleep at the time. The house was eerily silent. That was when I heard the slight sound of the window sliding. Immediately I slyly went to my nightstand and reached into the drawer and pulled out the folded knife. Placing the knife up against my bed to muffle the click of the opening blade, I heard the assailant in another room. There wasn’t much time before he would look inside mine. This was when I crept behind my half open door and awaited the impending course of action, playing it out in my mind.

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The end was fun to read, I would read further more if this would turn into a begin, middle and end short story... Also, this type of writing is much used in these days, try to use 3rd person has the narrator... I got the feel that the character was too proud of his smarts in the end.

Good read, I liked it.

[QUOTE=topic10;18034686]The end was fun to read, I would read further more if this would turn into a begin, middle and end short story... Also, this type of writing is much used in these days, try to use 3rd person has the narrator... I got the feel that the character was too proud of his smarts in the end.[/QUOTE] I agree. I would be scared to death and somewhat traumatized in this situation, not flaunting my knifing skills :] Good writing though, does keep me interested to where it's going.

Thanks for the comments guys. I feel motivated to do some more writing :)

Wait a little, it's Write a Novel November soon

Except, this was no celebration of birth, it was the advent of death. Doohohohohohoho

i didnt read it but i loved it

[QUOTE=Theater;18081179]Except, this was no celebration of birth, it was the advent of death. Doohohohohohoho[/QUOTE] This was one of my favorite lines.