Ive been working on a project on abusive speech tactics and patterns.
I have had people pm me saying how the post in unpopular opinions has helped them. So I will post it here.
The link has 21 pages. The format is as follows:
Everyday verbal abuse / hate speech/ political correctness.
It mentions how the pattern hurts and then offers a more compassionate and gentler way of speaking to others.
[url]https://www.docdroid.net/xKkjCeV/abuse-tactics-draft-1.pdf.html[/url]
Due to data issues, I cannot just copy and paste it. Other wise I will get a shit load of typos.
Here is a preview of the first few pages:
The faces of abuse are many, diverse, more complex than any booklet or psychiatrist could tell you in a few short words. Among various abuse tactics used by perpetrators are a few insidious tactics known as “emotional abuse”. Emotional abuse differs from physical or verbal abuse in that if you took a snapshot of the scene, a few words said, or a physical gesture out of context, it might not immediately strike you as abusive. No direct insults were used, nobody was physically hurt, so it seems harmless enough. However, like with all abuse, emotional abuse"s sole purpose is to cause hurt to someone else.
Emotional abuse works on five levels
1. Self doubt. Here emotional abuse makes the person Question their own thoughts and memories, to discredit the value of their lived experiences. A version we are all common with is the psychopath's favourite: gaslighting
2. Self loathing. Here the person is directed to focus on aspects of themselves they do not like and encouraged to discard or dislike those aspects of themselves which they do. For example when a child is mocked for liking a certain type of toy.
3. Social alienation. Here the person is threatened with isolation if they do not comply. For example they may be told they will never marry, or a friend may ghost them, over an aspect of themselves.
4. Depression and nihilism. Here emotional abuse tells the person that whatever they are fighting for is pointless. The end goal is to get the person to leave the conversation, giving the abuser the last word.
Generally emotional abuse operates on more than one level, possibly on all five, so as to emotionally cripple the person being interacted with. As you may be able to tell from the levels, emotional abuse tactics are silencing tactics, designed to deny the victim a voice. They may be used in con/unction with other forms of abuse, for example to prevent a victim reporting physical or verbal abuse, or on their own, for example to encourage others to make the victim a pariah or to chase the victim away from the abuser's social circle
Here we will observe some emotional abuse tactics, how they affect the victim, what the perpetrator's main goal is, and some of the forms these tactics may take.
Tactic 1: Withdrawing.
Definition:
Withdrawing from a conversation naturally and withdrawing abusively are very different things. 0hen a conversation ends organically we try and get some closure, make our excuses, and part ways comfortably. When withdrawal is used as an abusive tactic, the end goal is to deny the victim this closure. The perpetrator ends an argument on a sour note and cuts off communication without a goodbye.
Example 1: Louise and Sammi.
Louise and Sam have been friends for two years. Recently Sammi has started to show interest in
Louise"s brother, and Louise is not comfortable with her friend and her brother dating, due to the repercussions.
L: “I just don"t think you should date him, if it goes wrong I could lose a friend
and a brother.”
S: "I don"t feel it will go wrong, and I think we have enough in common to make it work.”
L: "I"m not prepared to take that risk."
S: "But I am, and maybe he is too."
L: "Fine."
Later that day Sammi finds Louise has blocked her on social media and won't answer her calls and leaves her texts on "read".
Tell me if link works and please review it. I've been working on this for a long time. With luck, I hope I can create more content on the subject in the future.
Later I will try to post more of the source file on the forums if people show interest.
is this made with some intent in mind or is it just a personal interest thing?
The "abuse tactics" title makes it sound more sinister than it seems to be
Thought I'd add to this since it interests me also. (past relationships made me deeply unhappy and its only in hindsight that I can identify them as emotionally abusive)
Withdrawing - helps play on the victims insecurities, oft if someone truly dislikes another person they will cease communication entirely so the withdrawing is to make the victim feel like they've blown it, they'll be sat wondering what they did wrong and, if they're needy like so many people are, they'll try to avoid future situations prompting future capitulation.
That insecurity can also be tied to how invested the victim is, if the victim has already been in the relationship for a long time or sunk lots of money into a project they will be more likely to take a dicking to "protect" their investment or the amount of time/money they invested will be used to rationalise the bad situation. "I've been with her for 3 years so it must be ok" "I've spent 1000s on this so I must make it work" "I've been to church my whole life and donated a ton to the church so it must be real"
The joke thing as well, often people will disguise a slight with some joke or light hearted comment or even a compliment. To totally dick you over then compliment you, to accept the compliment is to accept the dicking, to protest the dicking is to deny the compliment. Not sure if the people do it conciously out of spite. Like someone saying "you're so clumsy" or "you'll get us lost" might be be spiteful but it can slowly erode your confidence. Then you have people who purposefully do it as a means of establishing "dominance".
On your point 5 thing I've noticed its often used with people trying to get a last word in to control the outcome of the exchange. "internet debaters" on youtube use this a lot. An exchange is getting drawn out with no clear conclusion, a person will agree to move on, the other will make some last point on the topic establishing their views are the correct ones and their point as the winning one, then they'll move on to the next topic. The other person cannot refute the point because they've already agreed to move on and the topic is already getting drawn out.
On point 6 with the accusing and blaming you suggest you ask the person if you have offended them. Not sure this will work. People tend to be emotionally immature (not in an offensive sense) in that they'll not share their feelings or fear of hurting their ego, revealing weakness etc. Most of the time they'll close up and say I'm fine (in a way a form of withdrawl).
On point 12 i think your solution is a big over the top. I don't remember lots of stuff we necessarily have to prune memories and stuff which is meaningful to me might not be meaningful to others. "do you remember the time we walked your dog through the forest and they jumped in that muddy river? that was amazing!!" if they often walk their dog, the dog often jumps in the river and you have walked their dog with them its very possible they won't remember this very well. Better approach is question why they might have forgotten, assuming they're nice people who care about you, risky approach to adopt in an abuse relationship but I think w regard to forgetting its ok.
Interesting post, I think some points are too similar to warrant their own section (you seem to have acknowledged this with the trivialising and undermining thing) and some of your points compare a little closely to logical fallacy (like discounting comparing to ad hominem) you seem to have thought about this pretty deeply and it does prompt some introspection for me.
To add my own naive belief to this: I believe people are generally good and they do bad things for a reason. I believe people are abusive because of some insecurity, they fear their partner will leave them so they break the partner down so the partner doesn't have the confidence or agency to leave them. People are afraid of losing their agency so they over compensate with ordering people around and trying to establish dominance in an exchange. People build an image (an expectation) of themselves ie ego and when that image is threatened they react and try to stop that, so for fear of having their beliefs threatened or their self perceived "but im always right" image tarnished they will dismiss peoples views or in some cases use any means necessary to shut the other person down.
I think also that people who can't express or understand their feelings will act in unexpected ways, rather than telling you that they're having a hard time at the moment or that problems from their past are affecting their current situation, they'll become abusive and insist the problem is you.
Another cause I think is that our brains are wired to have a small number of intimate relationships in a tightknit group, our brains are wired to understand a threat to be something physical, a confrontation with another tribe member or lion in the bushes. So when we feel a "modern threat" like deadline at work or our partner spending less time with us and being closed up we react in the "caveman" way - adrenaline and readying for a fight, so we can become unnecessarily abusive and since we are now (being all pumped up) using our amygdala rather than prefrontal cortex we become less rational and begin to see even more stuff as a threat. We are cavepeeps living in a world of mortgages and mobile phones.
A reply I did not expect but wonderful one none the less.
I can't go point by point with what you said due to me being on my tablet. So I will tell what the inspiration behind this. This will not be the only work on how various ideals are structured to appeal to abusive personalities and those who have been abused and the effects of such ideals harm society and individuals at large.
Before this ive been working on line contacting various racists groups in an effort to de convert them.
It is possible but it requires a large variety of strategies and tactics to be successful.
One thing I have found is many have come from abusive homes or had issues growing up. For example one common tactic for Nazi recruiters is befriend bitter outcasts. You know, ones without friends, can't get girls, ect ect. So for these folks it not the ideal that is motivating them but a happen chance of getting a basic emotional need filled that some one exploited for gain.
Some actually grew up in violent house holds.
By addressing these wounds or being the person who fills their needs, it becomes way easier to influence them.
By doing what I can to quell the inner chaos and heal the wounds, the more tolerant they become. Inner peace = peace with others.
So this lead into research of cults, abusive personalities, toxic relationships, and other such topics.
The more I learned, the more it made it easier to understand the motivations behind why some folks go the way they go ideologically speaking. It also help me understand some realitives better too and deal with them. Some grew up in very abusive homes and its shaped their personalities deeply.
A lot of traits of people who are abusive or were absused in an everyday context are the same behaviors seen both on left and right.
Another tactic is give them an alternative identity or ideal to adhere to. The problem is once a person goes fanatical, they can't go moderate ever again. So to make changes stick, I have to give them something else to center their world view on.
The problem is a lot of them are well versed in leftist ideals. A lot became Nazi, fascist, KKK ect for a damn good reason and are not willing to go back. So what I have been trying is create new ideals based not on left vs right but abusive vs non abusive to get em to settle down. I am trying to criticize their views in new ways to get them to see that what they want isn't going to be obtained by such far right ideas but not giving them world views they wanna avoid.
It seems to be working.
I also hope with the upcoming series of works concerning abuse that I can help people understand their own pasts. Yes the work is political, but it has helped some folks realize what they went through out side a political context and get away from nasty situations. I myself had dealt with some shit and I know how it can ruin a person s life. Financialy, socially, you name it. If I can get some one realize they in a bad situation and prevent the damage from becoming permanent, then I know ive done some good.
Noble effort/quest you've chosen to undertake and I think you're right about the causes.
I think it might be cool to compare this to other forms of extremism, religious extremism, "left extremism" (like violent communist groups or sects of antifa) or nationalist extremism (like ira).
There was a guy who used to post here called flashmarsh, he had a few cool ideas and had a blog (which is sadly now private) he discussed a common conservative theory that Islamic extremism stems from the need for identity. The people who don't fit in are those most likely to fall prey to extremist preachers, people who didn't fit in in school or, because of racism imo, don't feel entirely welcome because of their ethnicity. Having a small group who meet regularly, have a "goal" and who have a strong identity is very important.
On other religious "extremism"/abusive relationships I have a friend who about 6 years ago tried to commit suicide. He got in with some girl who turned out to be a Jehovah's witness, he tried to get in with that crowd but he got too deep, they started to dominate his life, pressure him into commit to stuff, to do talks and isolate himself (I was at uni at the time so I didn't know). It got too much so he gave away all his stuff, took an overdose and jumped off a pier. Somehow and luckily he survived, got his life together and eventually went to uni. I think he wasn't vulnerable to the extremism thingy but it was certainly abusive and he liked the girl too much to notice.
With the IRA (and I assume the antifi peeps) they regularly meet up socially and for "practice" stuff (like patrols in the woods, weapons training etc). Its not just a cause to adopt but a whole group of friends and activities which gives purpose, meaning and identity. Secret greetings and "rituals", not unlike the KKK, help reinforce this - its almost like Skinnerian psychology, commit more to the cause and be more included, learn more stuff, become better regarded and respected. Isolate yourself from the outside more to become more included in the group and they target people who feel isolated from the world so they have nothing to lose!
______________________
I like your idea about trying to help people chill out to help deal with the problems but perhaps it is easier said than done. Some of the issues will be genuine deep rooted psychological issues which could only be addressed with drugs and therapy, which the extrmist group will likely seek to isolate the person from "They're tryna control you man!!! don't trust the system! don't be a sheep! sheep sheep sheep"
As a kid I was pretty racist (and homophobic), I was also not in the "in group" and was pretty antisocial so I suspect that played a part, my friends were also pretty extreme. I think college and uni (finding new groups and interest, meeting the groups I had irrational disregard for etc) really helped me grow up. I also think I found confidence, I started getting girlfriends, learned how to talk to strangers with ease, learnt independence with cooking etc. I'm good friends with thsoe guys from school and we all stopped being racist (cept 1 guy) but I don't look back on those days with any kind of nostalgia, it was certainly a dysfunctional relationship.
The brother of 1 of my friends is pretty racist but he really doubled down on it when he got in with a certain group of people. To fit in with the group he has made his views more extreme and in that group (I've experienced this firsthand) tolerance and moderation is met with accusations of being a traitor and anti-british. To fit in with the group he adopted more radical views.
I think the idea of "distracting" someone with an ideology works but it is dangerous. You might get something just as dangerous and harder to remove and it probably won't solve the issue of their need for acceptance. If someone doesn't feel confident and accepted then thats a weakness people can exploit - I much prefer the chill people out thing. Stuff is ok, you don't have to care what people think, live n let live etc. I say this though since its an outlook I myself have tried to gain. A sort of fake it till you make it, I'm doing fairly well, don't really care what people think at the moment.
______________________
on your left and right thing, I saw you post about it in philosophy also.
What is left and right anyway?
to me left is more egalitarian and right is less, it has been associated with other stuff tho. Like social progressives, hippies, soviets, neoliberals are considered left, while nazis, compassionate conservatives, libertarians. So messed up.
socially progressive neoliberals (see accusations that Hillary is leftwing in the election) and totalitarian soviets are thrown into the same side? Thats nuts!
I was watching a destiny stream where he interviewed some white nationalist (stormfront guy I think). The white nationalist was pro public spending, pro gay rights, pro drug legalisation etc (all considered lefty/liberal) but then believed that america should be white (suddenly hes considered far right).
To make it worse I asked a friend of mine in that scenario (asking if left or right before and after tha racist part at the end) his answer changed on whether or not it was a black or white person. (he's got the anti SJW thing going on)
Left and right don't cut it, they serve only to divide people and set us against each other. You're a democrat aka lefty aka communist aka cnn watcher!!!!! You're a republican aka righty aka adolf hitler aka fox watcher!!!!
I'm guilty of it. I said I associate left strictly with economic stance but I often associate far right with alt right types and neo nazis (general authoritarianism and totalitarianism) which, not entirely subliminally, associates capitalists and other right wing stuff with neo nazis! That said I wouldn't want to associate flashmarsh with neo nazis despite them both being right, flash is less a nazi than some left wing people I've met. #unbanflashmarsh
________
one final point on the expectation vs reality thing above. People want expectation to match reality and their ego stops them changing expectation so reality must change.
People generally don't want to feel like people so they'll rationalise their racism as doing whats right. So trying to appeal to them with the abusive vs non abusive might not work. They'll rationalise racism as a minor "abuse" preferable to a greater "abuse". Or they'll say immigrants are rapists so by stopping them they're stopping abuse. They might not learn otherwise unless they meet an immigrant/ethnic minority in which case there is the risk that the person they met is "the exception".
Extremists (racists in this case) also have lots of places to turn to. The internet has done lots of allow radical dangerous views to propagate, mainly because now people don't have to risk criticism. In the past if you had a radical view you would have to manually find fellow people, you'd suffer social stigma and be possibly rejected for your views. Now you can just go online and search for /pol/ and your views will be reaffirmed, you'll be comforted by fun memes and "scientific figures" so backup racist theories. This has served to make radical ideologies easier to spread amongst young people. Maybe I'm just rattlin on tho.
good luck with the project
One person rated OP as dumb. Is that a form of abuse? Because I think it is
The rater withdraws from the thread while leaving a box
excuse me, mods? Please ban this guy
That's useful. Thank you, OP.
Thank you for the document, it's really concise and to the point.
a torrent of horrendous infantilising drivel
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.