Well, I don't know if it's a WIP cause it's only a couple pages and I might never finish it. I wrote it at work on account of I was bored
So it's like, the beginning of a story if I was going to write a story but maybe I won't I don't know
It's probably shitty and full of mistakes but thats ok lol
It's in the future ok?
[quote] It was a clear night on the planet Kazzin. Stars and moons shone down on its culturally, ethnically, and morphologically diverse citizenry. Spaceships rose and descended between the twinkling spires of impossible high-rises as, miles below, titanic waves of icy seawater churned and crashed against the foundations.
Capital City was alive.
Mostly.
"Jesus," grunted Sergeant Keliz as he took in the scene of carnage before him. "A real slug fillet."
One of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about the floor, walls, and ceiling to look at him.
"What's a Jesus?"
"Swear. S'what the humans say on Jersey."
Keliz, while technically a member of Kazzin's dominant species, the Kazzinoids, took great pride in having been raised on New New Jersey, the regrettable and largely unwanted moon of New New York, both long-established colonies of the humans. The extended Keliz family felt, quite fairly, that he was much the worse for it.
The forensics detective shrugged one set of arms and continued to take pictures of an errant tonsil. But the sergeant felt more needed to be said.
"This is what's wrong with this planet, you know," he opined to Kazzin in general. "Nobody got no goddamn balls.
"I mean, you want to take down a Bloatean Slug on Jersey, you do it like a man," Keliz continued, gesturing at the festering entrails contemptuously. "With your hands. None of this high-explosives shit."
"It's a new world we all live in, Sergeant," agreed Lieutenant Zalyaz, not unkindly. "Perhaps you can assist deputy Slej with his witness interviews?"
Sergeant Keliz wandered off, muttering. Zalyaz turned to the aspiring photographer.
The lieutenant cut what the excitable might have described as a striking figure. He shoved, at least. He was lean and, at six feet, almost freakishly tall for a Kazzinoid. His skin was a pale shade of green, not unlike one of those Lego ghosts (the little glow in the dark ones) and his gaunt, noseless face seemed forever fixed in an expression of condescending amusement. The man was eminently hateable.
"Anything unusual, Detective Kyzel?" inquired Zalyaz, exuding collection and confidence as well.
"Only the blast radius, sir. Even for a Bloatean, this is overkill. Someone really wanted a slug dead."
"Who doesn't?"
"Doesn't what, sir?"
"Want a slug dead," Zalyaz clarified, smiling mildly.
The detective hesitated.
"Probably the slugs, for a start, sir."
The lieutenant stared at him oddly, then laughed.
"Hahah. Yes. I suppose you're right, detective. Hahah."
"Hahah, sir."
Zalyez watched for a while.
Click.
Click.
"Detective."
"Sir?"
"Why are you aiming your pictures off to the side? Missing your shots, as it were. Hahah."
"Rule of thirds, sir."
"Oh?"
"First rule of taking a good photo, sir. Never reveal more than a third of the subject in frame. That's theory."
"Ah. Detective?"
Click.
"Yessir?"
"I might look that up, if I were you."
"Yes sir.
Click.
"Also, stop it."
"Yessir."
Zalyaz glided away to bother someone else. Detective Kyzel sighed with relief.
Click.
He sighed again, glumly this time. This wasn't real photography, of course--the camera was cheap, and he always had to use the flash on even the best-lit nighttime crime scenes. But he felt he was owed a little artistic freedom, at least. He wasn't even allowed to decorate his images in computer programs. Last month, he had tried experimenting with depth-of-field effects, shooting things out of focus, until he got yelled at for obscuring key evidence. This "rule of thirds," he supposed, probably fell along the same lines.
Whatever.
Click.[/quote]
I am enjoying it so far, but when you post a story like this on facepunch, can you double space it. For some reason, I think it's harder to read when it's single spaced on the site.
I'm writing a movie script for a sci-fi crime thriller too.
It's cool, but I don't think a guy taking forensic photos would give a shit about composition and the rule of thirds, he probably just wants to take a nice clean shot with the object placed in the middle... it's much more clinical and professional for forensics photography.
Pretty cool though, you're a good writer I must say.
[QUOTE=sebbonaparta;16169063]It's cool, but I don't think a guy taking forensic photos would give a shit about composition and the rule of thirds, he probably just wants to take a nice clean shot with the object placed in the middle... it's much more clinical and professional for forensics photography.[/QUOTE]
[IMG]http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan/for_forums/thats_the_joke.jpg[/IMG]
[QUOTE=Uberslug;16169126][IMG]http://images.starcraftmazter.net/4chan/for_forums/thats_the_joke.jpg[/IMG][/QUOTE]
You should give me a bad reading because I skipped over that last part where he tells the guy he should stop.
I liked it :) i love Sci Fi, but wouldnt it look better to add something like "he chuckled" instead of adding the "hahaha" where the character laughs?
It was great. The only thing I noticed was the "Hahah". They should be changed, like was said above.
Very good start, but it feels a bit forced, and need more meat on the bones. More descriptions and parables and such.
Kinda if you take this sentence:
"One of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about the floor, walls, and ceiling to look at him."
You can add parables and such to give it a bit more of character, maybe something like this:
"One of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about like shish kebab on the floor, walls, and ceiling to look wondering at him like you looked at someone who just spoke in an alien tongue."
Just a suggestion.
[QUOTE=!LORD M!;16177689]Very good start, but it feels a bit forced, and need more meat on the bones. More descriptions and parables and such.
Kinda if you take this sentence:
"One of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about the floor, walls, and ceiling to look at him."
You can add parables and such to give it a bit more of character, maybe something like this:
"One of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about like shish kebab on the floor, walls, and ceiling to look wondering at him like you looked at someone who just spoke in an alien tongue."
Just a suggestion.[/QUOTE]
Best advice thus far.
[quote=!lord m!;16177689]very good start, but it feels a bit forced, and need more meat on the bones. More descriptions and parables and such.
Kinda if you take this sentence:
"one of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about the floor, walls, and ceiling to look at him."
you can add parables and such to give it a bit more of character, maybe something like this:
"one of the forensics investigators paused his meticulous photographing of various organs strewn about like shish kebab on the floor, walls, and ceiling to look wondering at him like you looked at someone who just spoke in an alien tongue."
just a suggestion.[/quote]
but shish kebabs are very orderly
[QUOTE=Uberslug;16200347]but shish kebabs are very orderly[/QUOTE]
Oh. I was thinking of something else, but hey you get the point of what I meant I hope.
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