Exemortis - My Horror Story - General

This is a little something i conjoured up whilst bored out of my head in school one day. And as i've finnished school now, and it never saw the light of day, i thought i'd post it up here and see what you guys thought of it. :wink: The name needs changing as i just recently found out it's popularly matched to a flash game series (which is very good by the way). Bare in mind, this is a VERY rough draft of the prolouge, as it was never actually intended to be finnished. But one day might be, if i ever get my ass in gear with it. Okay enough ranting, here it is; Feedback is appriciated Exemortis By Rhys Brier [B][U]Prologue – Nemesis of a Nemesis[/U][/B] The begrudging monster of the army of un-dead. A seven foot rotting carcass, it reeked out the building. Smelt like a morgue that had been left to rot over itself. I lie behind the counter at the back of the supermarket. My heart racing, I could smell it…hear it getting closer, as if it was sniffing me out. I grabbed a rag from underneath the desk and tied it around my face like a bandana to stop the awful stench from putting off my concentration. I was looking around frantically trying to find some sort of weapon to defend myself with. I found nothing…And this thing was getting so close I could hear it breathing, in, in then in again and exhaling a lung full. This pattern in which it was breathing sent a chill down my spine. It was too close now, I had to move or I was going to be strung by my intestines. I put one foot onto the cupboard under the counter and quick double stepped onto the conveyor and sprang off onto the nearest stall in one motion. Just as I felt it swipe at me, catching my foot and knocking me off balance. As I fell I caught a side of the stall and regained my balance to drop and land to my feet. The nemesis only seemed angrier at the fact that it had missed, and came stomping towards me dragging it’s arms on the floor almost. It took another swing at me and I ducked, the force of it’s swing made it stumble, I lunged at the stall across the isle and grabbed a Scythe from the shelf and in one swift motion swing it to my right so hard I spun round and sunk the Scythe into it’s throat. I stood in amazement for a few seconds at what I had done, only to be snapped out of it by the way it was trying to grasp me, as the only distance between us was this meter wooden Scythe handle. Tugging on the handle as hard as I could, the nemesis’s throat gave way to the scythe and ripped a chunk from it’s throat. The monstrosity slumped to it’s knees choking relentlessly on blood and black fluid, which just made the stench grow even stronger. I took a step back and drove the scythe downwards again into the gaping whole in it’s throat tearing through the rest of it’s throat and into it’s solar plexus the force drove it downwards and as I let go it fell to the floor quivering and jerking violently. Still trying helplessly to grab at my feet. I jumped into the air and brought my knees to my chest and throwing all my weight down onto it’s head, crushing it’s skull underneath me “Piece of shit”. After scraping the remains of it’s face off of my trainers with the end of a shelf I made my way round the store for anything I could use against the Exemortis. I could see the dark crimson and black clouds looming in the distance from out of the window…they had found me again, they were coming… (P.S - If you actually took the liberty of reading all this, thanks, and i'm sorry if it felt like i wasted your time...)

And...wow, 34 views and no reply. I was expecting some helpful critisism by now :D.

I like the concept, reminds me of the story I'm writing right now. " some helpful criticism"hmmm, well as I said before, I like the concept. You may want to cut down on repetition of words, mainly Scythe, using "it" in there or "the blade" wouldn't have hurt. I did notice a few run on sentences in there as well, and as a writer I know that sometimes it seems the best way to convey what you're trying to say in the piece. However, always try to find a way to put a break in the sentence.

Pretty good, but the only flaw is that the nemesis should be described more. Besides that, :ohdear:.

Why the fuck is there a scythe in a supermarket?

Thanks for the advice, and Sp00Ks, if i'd of put Hoe, people would of been like "What the fuck is that?!" So i called it a Scythe, because thats technically what it is. If you don't know what a hoe is, look it up on google or wikipidia or something.

Hoe [img_thumb]http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/hoe-1272.jpg[/img_thumb] used for tilling dirt Scythe [img_thumb]http://www.informallearning.com/archive/1999-0506-b-scythe.JPG[/img_thumb] used in reaping crops by cutting near the base of the stalks. I think you can put hoe in the story and people won't get too confused. it's more confusing if you say scythe, but I know you meant well in using a more commonly known tool in the story. If you found a pimp and a ho, however, it'd be a different story.

[QUOTE=daijitsu;23164463]Hoe [img_thumb]http://thebsreport.files.wordpress.com/2009/07/hoe-1272.jpg[/img_thumb] used for tilling dirt Scythe [img_thumb]http://www.informallearning.com/archive/1999-0506-b-scythe.JPG[/img_thumb] used in reaping crops by cutting near the base of the stalks. I think you can put hoe in the story and people won't get too confused. it's more confusing if you say scythe, but I know you meant well in using a more commonly known tool in the story. If you found a pimp and a ho, however, it'd be a different story.[/QUOTE] its even more confusing if you say "ho"

You have many run-on sentences. Fix that.

Do you know what Exemortis means? Just curious I thought it was latin for "un-dead" Oh yeah and just cut the sentences to a minimum, they run on too much as posted above.