The Ongoing Story of Me Being A Jackass and Trolling Online Job Applications - General

A few weeks ago me and a buddy were fooling around with some of those online customer service help chats that some retailers do on their site. For example, if you had a problem with one of Pepsi's products, you could go on their site and talk to a real live person about it. I'm pretty sure Pepsi doesn't have one, but it's an example. I wasn't really fooling around though. I asked a few people over these service chats how they got their job, and all of them linked me to a career application form on the same site which will remain undisclosed for fear of further trolling. I was and still am very interested in this type of job and considered getting an actual job as one of these online servicers, and I respect the people who do it, but after further investigation I decided not to. For one, I don't have any knowledge of the undisclosed's products and I'm pretty sure you would need that. Now that we have gotten this badly organized prologue, let's get onto the real story. I found a job application for a retail store manager in West Virginia on this undisclosed company's site. I filled it out under my pseudonym and also [i]Silent Hill 4[/i] protagonist Henry Townshend. I didn't put anything else related to Silent Hill other than that name, though. I filled out the form trying to be realistic, but also ridiculous. I wanted employers to look at my resume and just think I was an incredibly dimwitted, stupid retard instead of the jackass troll that I am. There are some rules I stick by for every fake job application. I am Henry Townshend, my age varies, I live in Omaha, Nebraska, my home address is a Pizza Hut in Omaha (If anybody asked, I would say I got confused and thought that was my current work address), I currently work at a Pizza Hut, I took karate lessons as a child until I reached black belt, I attended Omaha South High, and I usually try to go for a managerial or CEO position. I submitted my resume to this undisclosed company. There was some other drop down boxes I had to fill out. I forgot most of them, but when it asked if I committed any crimes I put "Yes" and detailed how I stole a handful of grapes and how a child saw me and reported me to an employee and was asked to pay for them or leave. I also remember putting my preferred salary for $100 an hour. The logic in this is that it's my [i]preferred[/i] salary, which isn't necessarily realistic. I do have my resume from this application, but unfortunately it's not as detailed as I'd like. It was a very fun experience, especially with my friends helping with some details and improving on things. I also should mention I submitted it with the Comic Sans MS font. I only have the text document now. [quote=My resume]Henry Townshend 7519 Pacific St. Omaha, NE 68114 (402) 399-9898 [email]htownshend0@gmail.com[/email] OBJECTIVES I hope to obtain the retail store manager position that uses my skills accordingly to achieve and perfect my financial, operational, managerial and erotic dreams. SKILLS I have received a black belt in karate I am good at talking to people I can manage people pretty well if they are good I am proficient at tpying and MS Word Assisted in the management of a local Pizza Hut briefly EXPERIENCE Pizza Hut Omaha, NE Team Member Making pizzas Performing duties for customers Being friendly Cleaning duties (Occasionally) EDUCATION Omaha South High School 4519 S 24th Street Masters May, 2006 QUESTIONS If you have any questions about my resume or me in general, please e-mail me at the e-mail I put at the top of the resume at my email. Please and thank you. [/quote] The next day I received an automatically sent e-mail confirming that my application was not considered. This was probably due to the fact that I pressed the "Did not complete high school" button and it just automatically trashed me. [quote]Dear Henry, You recently applied for the RETAIL STORE MANAGER (11270) position with [UNDISCLOSED]. We have reviewed your application information and given careful consideration to your background and experience. However, to ensure the best fit for our organization, we are currently pursuing other candidates for this position. Please continue to check out our Career Center at [url]www.[UNDISCLOSD].com[/url], click on "Careers" near the bottom of the page. You will have the option to view and apply for all available positions as well as customize your job search. We appreciate your interest in employment opportunities with [UNDISCLOSED]. Sincerely, Human Resource Department [UNDISCLOSED] This is an automated email; please do not reply to this email address.[/quote] Outraged at my rejection, I returned to the online customer service chat to complain about it. [quote]Sara B.: Hi, my name is Sara B.. How may I help you? Henry Townshend: I would like to make a complaint please. Sara B.: Sure. Henry Townshend: I recently applied for a job at [UNDISCLOSED] via the online form. Henry Townshend: The retail store manager position in West Virginia. Henry Townshend: The rejection e-mail said it was number 11270 Henry Townshend: I personally believe I am overqualified for the job, yet the human resources clerk who looked at it clearly has some sort of problem with me. Henry Townshend: Perhaps jealosy. Sara B.: I'm sorry to hear that. I can certainly pass on your comments. Henry Townshend: Thank you Sara You have disconnected.[/quote] While disappointed in Sara's lack of enthusiasm, I pressed on to defy the unspoken (Well actually it was typed) law of not e-mailing the automatically sent e-mail of my message. Yes, I was so drunk on rage that I defied this very rule. I simply e-mailed "Why?". I did not type out a long, paragraphed, detailed message only because I was certain I would not get a response from the robotic sender. As a final measure, I did some research to discover who the HR representative was for [UNDISCLOSED]. Unfortunately, I never did find it, but I did find the e-mail of somebody who worked for [UNDISCLOSED]. [quote=E-mail to [UNDISCLOSED]]If you are the incorrect person I should be e-mailing, please forward this to the head of the human resources at [UNDISCLOSED] or somebody who can help. I recently applied for a job via the online form you can fill out at the career section on the [UNDISCLOSED] site. The next day I was sent an automated notice that rejected my application. I throughly understand that I can't get any job I want, however I believe I am overqualified for the retail store manager position. My theory is that the HR rep who reviewed my application has some jealousy and prejudiced issues with me. Shortly after I received the rejection notice, but before e-mailing you, I went onto your live assistance program and spoke to a Sara B. in customer service. I told her to make a complaint about this specific problem. Please issue a punishment to her if she did not pass my comments along to a higher order. Please re-review and reconsider my application. The rejection e-mail said the job number was "RETAIL STORE MANAGER (11270)". Thank you very much. Best regards, Henry Townshend[/quote] I waited about 3 to 4 weeks before I was dashed of all hope and never got a reply. Earlier today I remembered my whole event and decided to continue on the legacy of Henry Townshend; the retard that's actively looking for a job. Instead of going on a specific company site and looking for careers like I did with [UNDISCLOSED], I decided to do a much broader beam of hope on Monster.com. As many of you know, monster.com is a place for you to place your resume and job experience to find a career. I even found some interesting IT jobs located in my town on there. The goal of Project Monster was to avoid what happened with [UNDISCLOSED]'s lack of education, and completely overestimate my skills as a worker. Monster.com again had some drop box options. None of them were really interesting except that I set my available places in the world to work as all provinces and states of the UK, US, Australia, Japan, Afghanistan and Bulgaria. I also selected Italy, but I only selected 2 of the many provinces whereas I selected all for the rest of the countries. There was a box that asked how long it would take to travel to these locations and I simply put "Don't need to" which implies I am in all of these places at once. Here is my resume. It's an .HTM document simply because I prefer that instead of a silly text. I set my old occupation as a mysterious director for the military. That's about all you need to know. There's some dumb things in there, but I think I should be able to have a few dumb things in my resume. This is as far as I've gotten, but I have some more up my sleeve as time passes. [url=http://filesmelt.com/dl/monsterresume1.htm][b]Download [u]monsterresume.htm[/u][/b][/url] What did I learn in this unfunny escapade you may ask? Well for one I learned what I shouldn't put on a resume and how to properly format one and that I am a major jackass who has way too much free time on his hands. :siren:[b]UPDATE!!![/b]:siren: What the fuck. Look what e-mail I got. [quote]Hello Henry, I am contacting you on behalf of Kevyn Sopinski, the Managing Principal with Waddell & Reed Inc. in the Omaha area. After reviewing your resume online, I believe you could be a great fit for the Financial Advisor career at Waddell & Reed, Inc. Waddell & Reed is a national financial services company with over 70 years of experience helping clients achieve their financial aspirations by providing personal, comprehensive financial planning. This strong and thriving organization is expanding their team of talented, skilled and well-trained financial advisors in your area. Please take a moment to learn more at [url]http://www.waddell.com[/url]. Our search is focused on candidates who are self-motivated and interested in helping others reach their financial goals. If you are a business-minded person with a history of success, simply reply to this email and attach your updated resume -or- email [email]wr.ne.omaha@wrfinancialjobs.com[/email] and attach your resume. I hope to speak with you soon, The Recruiter ProAct Resources, Inc. On behalf of: Kevyn Sopinski Managing Principal Waddell & Reed Inc. Omaha If you do not wish to receive future e-mail[/quote] also I got another e-mail about a guy saying he could help me with my awful resume [quote]Hello Henry, I am contacting you today concerning your resume and I was wondering if you would be interested in receiving a free resume review. We have found that most people write what is known as a job description resume. In essence they describe what their day to day routine was at their previous employers. At our company, ProAct Resume Writing, we write what is known as a value driven, keyword rich resume. Our process will show not only the value that you brought to your past employers but also what value you will bring to your next employer. This way, companies are more compelled to contact you. We have such a good track record that we guarantee EVERY resume that we write. So if you are interested in getting a free resume review please send me an updated copy of your resume by emailing it to [email]dpryor@proactresumewriting.com[/email] . We will then contact you to go over your resume. DISCOUNT: If you prefer to get started right away you may simply go directly to our website [url]www.ProActResumeWriting.com[/url]. When doing so you may enter the code:"DC9" and you will receive a discount on any one of our resume writing services. Sincerely Yours, David Pryor ProAct Resumes, Inc. [url]www.ProActResumeWriting.com[/url] For more information on ways to help in your job search visit our blog site: [url]http://www.proactresumes.com/blog/[/url][/quote]

omg ur so funy

Golden, you posted it! :v:

Digging the Monster Resume. Hilarious.

Actually funny.

what do you do if you get accepted

What kinda pisses me off, people are unemployed looking for work and some hiring manager is wasting time on your stupid little job application.

I give a C for effort, C+ for execution, and a D for outcome.

This is kinda funny. It would be a tad bit more interesting if you made Silent Hill references in it though.

You're falsifying information. That is illegal. The Internet police are gonna arrest you son.

[QUOTE=Doug52392;20526147]You're falsifying information. That is illegal. The Internet police are gonna arrest you son.[/QUOTE] If only it was a legal document and not a job application. Keep trollin' Henry! edited: Called OP Harry instead of Henry, take my word for it and box me.

What the fuck. Look what e-mail I got. [quote]Hello Henry, I am contacting you on behalf of Kevyn Sopinski, the Managing Principal with Waddell & Reed Inc. in the Omaha area. After reviewing your resume online, I believe you could be a great fit for the Financial Advisor career at Waddell & Reed, Inc. Waddell & Reed is a national financial services company with over 70 years of experience helping clients achieve their financial aspirations by providing personal, comprehensive financial planning. This strong and thriving organization is expanding their team of talented, skilled and well-trained financial advisors in your area. Please take a moment to learn more at [url]http://www.waddell.com[/url]. Our search is focused on candidates who are self-motivated and interested in helping others reach their financial goals. If you are a business-minded person with a history of success, simply reply to this email and attach your updated resume -or- email [email]wr.ne.omaha@wrfinancialjobs.com[/email] and attach your resume. I hope to speak with you soon, The Recruiter ProAct Resources, Inc. On behalf of: Kevyn Sopinski Managing Principal Waddell & Reed Inc. Omaha If you do not wish to receive future e-mail[/quote] also I got another e-mail about a guy saying he could help me with my awful resume [quote]Hello Henry, I am contacting you today concerning your resume and I was wondering if you would be interested in receiving a free resume review. We have found that most people write what is known as a job description resume. In essence they describe what their day to day routine was at their previous employers. At our company, ProAct Resume Writing, we write what is known as a value driven, keyword rich resume. Our process will show not only the value that you brought to your past employers but also what value you will bring to your next employer. This way, companies are more compelled to contact you. We have such a good track record that we guarantee EVERY resume that we write. So if you are interested in getting a free resume review please send me an updated copy of your resume by emailing it to [email]dpryor@proactresumewriting.com[/email] . We will then contact you to go over your resume. DISCOUNT: If you prefer to get started right away you may simply go directly to our website [url]www.ProActResumeWriting.com[/url]. When doing so you may enter the code:"DC9" and you will receive a discount on any one of our resume writing services. Sincerely Yours, David Pryor ProAct Resumes, Inc. [url]www.ProActResumeWriting.com[/url] For more information on ways to help in your job search visit our blog site: [url]http://www.proactresumes.com/blog/[/url][/quote]

[QUOTE=Henry Townshend;20565836]What the fuck. Look what e-mail I got.[/QUOTE] Oh God

[QUOTE=MR-X;20525913]What kinda pisses me off, people are unemployed looking for work and some hiring manager is wasting time on your stupid little job application.[/QUOTE]

Dick move man. [quote=MR-X]What kinda pisses me off, people are unemployed looking for work and some hiring manager is wasting time on your stupid little job application.[/quote]

[QUOTE=Henry Townshend;20565836]What the fuck. Look what e-mail I got. also I got another e-mail about a guy saying he could help me with my awful resume[/QUOTE] Reply to the first email saying, "Omaha, is that in Africa or something?"

I'd imagine they review hundreds of resumes every week.

Trolling live chat support sites is fun. Staples most likely doesn't like facepunch due to trolling though. :saddowns:

[quote] I am proficient at tpying and MS Word [/quote] That made me laugh

Just thought I would update. I got some more e-mails about job offers and other stuff. At least [i]somebody[/i] realized it was a joke. [quote=Marisa Gordon] Your resume just cracked me up...well done sir, well done! =)[/quote] [quote=Richard Miller] Dear Henry I found your resume on Monster and know you would be a great candidate for our Insurance Sales Agent position. At Bankers Life and Casualty Company, we offer an expanding market, a flexible daytime schedule, excellent compensation, and a wide variety of leads. This is an amazing opportunity for a career where you determine your earnings. Market - As one of the only companies in the country exclusively devoted to protecting the financial security of senior Americans, Bankers is uniquely positioned to serve the nearly 78 million Baby Boomers prepare for retirement. Schedule - With the majority of our clients being retired, agents meet with them during daytime hours. The flexibility in your schedule gives you greater control of your work/personal life balance. Compensation - Our generous commissions and compensation package includes trips to exotic locations and ample bonuses for top producers. Even during training, you still generate income. And for those interested, Bankers also has a great management trainee program. Leads - We provide leads and contact information from various sources including Medicare and referrals from our vast network of clients and affiliates. This means more face-to-face time with clients developing your business. In existence for 130 years, Bankers Life and Casualty Company is a leader in helping individuals protect their financial security and prepare for the road ahead. To learn more or to schedule a meeting, please click the self-register link below: Self Register I will talk to you soon. Sincerely, Richard Miller Bankers Life and Casualty Company, Omaha Branch 402-660-5965[/quote] I replied to this one with: [quote=Reply to Richard Miller] Dear Mr. Miller, How much money do I get? Love, Henry Townshend [/quote] No response yet. I also got a reply from the other job offer I got. The offer is a few posts above this one or in the OP. [quote=Reply to Waddell & Reed offer] Dear "The Recruiter", What kind of benefits would I get? With love, Henry Townshend [/quote] Here is the reply I got to my reply. [quote=Reply to my reply] Hello. You recently responded to my email but your resume was not attached. I would like to answer any questions you may have however I will need your updated resume in order to proceed as this is our company policy. Could you please respond to me with your resume attached. Preferably in a Microsoft Word format or some other text format. Thank you in advance. Sincerely Yours, The Recruiter[/quote] I wish I lived in Omaha. Otherwise I would probably schedule an interview and show up in a goofy costume or something.

its funny because the guy actually wanted an interview

B- work, kiddo Ya done good, [del]Hasselhof[/del] Henry, ya done good.

Good idea, horrible execution. Lacked funny

hello every1 whats goin on here oh a semi-funny thread keep it coming

...And you actually got accepted into a job... :Dawkins102:

Most unemployed people don't even get off their asses to look for a job, they just take the unemployment benefits then when that runs out they complain about how our economy is shit. You just got money for free basically for a good chunk of time...

Pfffhahaha

Reminds me of the time I filled out a job application at pizza hut (What a coinky-dink!) using Gordon Freeman's credentials, including graduating at MIT, and having a Ph.D. in theoretical physics.