After reading the troll thread about Jehova's Witnesses (hereafter referred to as JW's), I thought it would be a good opportunity to give my own personal advice on the subject, as I am in a situation wherein all the houses surrounding my own contain JWs, and they swarm to my house not unlike Zombies craving a FuhFuhFresh sandwich/conversion. While many of the people reading this are probably not in the same scenario as me, I thought it would be nice for me to share some inside tips on how to not only sleep in comfortably on a Saturday, but also provide yourself with quality entertainment as well as Youtube fodder.
[B][U]PREPARE RETALIATION ARGUEMENTS[/U][/B]
This is easily the most important thing you should know, so therefore it is Rule 1. Almost every time a Jehova's Witness rings your doorbell, they will present unto you a passage from the bible, and attempt to explain something that is often misunderstood about the book or stories from it. While many of the things they tell you are valid arguements, a good portion of the Bible is interpretive, much like Shakespeare's plays, though a JW doesn't want you to know that. They will often think that you only know the popular thought of what they explain to you, so they will present to you their arguement without heavily addressing many other ones aside from the popular opinion. Being ready with a counter arguement they don't expect will immediately throw them off guard and gain you the upper hand. Here's an example, and this is actual dialogue recorded from two weeks ago.
JW: There is much confusion about what the name of God actually is.
Me: I'm aware of this. I always thought his name was unpronouncable to Humans?
JW: That is considered, however we are able to recover that his name can be traced to a phrase similar to YHWH.
Me: YHWH is not written anywhere in the bible. In fact, it is considered rude to address God's name in low regard, and many authority figures would be displeased with you should you spell it out. I would not call a judge J-u-d-g-e.
JW: (Stumbles on words slightly) Well yes, but YHWH is all we are able to properly use when referring to God.
Me: You just referred to him as God, and I was able to understand who you were referring to.
JW: Er... well...
While most people reading this don't have ready knowledge of The Bible like I do, you simply need to know some of the common things that they will tell you, and be ready to counter them. Because I love you like that, I'm going to write a list for you of things I've heard more than once.
(S - Statement R - Retaliate with)
-S: We are not trying to convert everybody.
R: Then why are you trying to get me to come to your Church?
-S: We are not doomsayers.
R: 1927, 1954, 1979 and 2009 want their Apocalypse.
-S: We are not Jesus freaks.
R: Then why do you and all your siblings have names that start with J, considered the most Holy letter of the alphabet because Jesus' name started with it as well?
-S: Why are you so Hostile towards accepting other Religions?
R: Your Religion's Holy text endorses Hostility towards other religions, if anything I'm a deeper and more passionate follower than you are.
-S: Fine, we won't bother you any more.
R: Yes, you will.
These are just a few examples, though this is all being done off of the top of my head. If you can think of anything else to add to this list, by all means add to it in future posts.
[B][U]DO NOT FALL FOR FAKE PERSONAS[/U][/B]
This is also very important, and you should write this down on a little sticky note and leave it next to your computer moniter in case you ever feel like the person on the other side of your internet connection really is as cool as they describe themselves to be. Many of you will have picked this up when discussing things on the Internet, though you need to apply this especially to people you don't agree with.
I'm not saying JW's are sneaky, I'm saying that people in general will be sneaky when they know you don't agree with them at first. I've seen JW's that looked pissed, bored, tired, uninterested or by all means just sacriligious towards their compratiote who is giving you all the information. Make no mistake, if they truly didn't care for the religion, they wouldn't be following their friend/family member around like a Shadow passing out pamphlets and reading scripture.
The actual reason they do this is because they're trying to make you think that on their side of the coin, there are people who feel the same way about their relgion as you do. This is understandable with children, as kids are ansy, won't sit still and are disrespectful in church for the most part (:respek: to ya, you have more balls than most people kids), but I've seen people in their twenties and full grown adults pulling this stunt. You're not stupid and neither am I. You know that once you're 18, Religion is entirely your choice and nobody else should be able to svrew with your choice.
If you think I'm stupid for not thinking that people who practise a Religion might be forced into it, I don't think that. I'm well aware that many, many people are pulled into a religion because of their family, so I can be sympathetic towards those cases. But adults are exempt from these cases. If you're 24 and being forced into your family's religion that you no longer want to be a part of, then stop being such a coward, you coward, and tell your family about it. Coward.
[B][U]SHOCK AND AWE[/U][/B]
Shock and Awe is a military term, and if you don't know what it is, here's a description circa Wikipedia:
"Shock and awe, technically known as rapid dominance, is a military doctrine based on the use of overwhelming power, dominant battlefield awareness, dominant maneuvers, and spectacular displays of force to paralyze an adversary's perception of the battlefield and destroy its will to fight."
There are many, many ways to pull something similar to shock and awe on an unwilling Religion Solicitor. Facial Expressions are the easiest way. Looking annoyed, angry, untrusworthy, menacing or any combination of those is a good way to deter their attempts right from the get-go. However, the more determined will keep going, and fake smiles and courteous bows are often ways to try to 'cheer you up'. Keep your expression stone faced and cold. Once they actually ask you if "it's okay with you if they...", pause for a moment. The simple thing to say is just a flat 'No', but you can do better than that. Mutter 'Fine'.
At this point, you've made the statement that you don't want them near you. They may or may not simply leave at this point, but if they stay, scowl once they same something you might not like. If they're still on your doorstep at this point, then they're crazy, and don't deserve your time. It is absolutely okay to slam the door. Or perhaps smile politey and close it softly without comment.
You have displayed battlefield dominance, as it were, and destroyed their will to fight. You have displayed Shock and Awe strategy, Soldier. Well done.
[B][U]THE "LET'S NOT VISIT THIS HOUSE" FACTOR[/U][/B]
This is something that has saved me many, many hours of trouble on days where I simply couldn't be bothered to display my talents. The human eye will detect several things that will deter attempts at your religion, so it is not at all unreasonable to add a few things to the outside of your door that will stop the unwary fool. I have personally done all of these, and 4 of the 5 worked every time. Most of these also require next to no money or resources beyond a sharpie and some paper, though I do own the first option because I saw it at Wal-Mart one day and couldn't resist giving $17 towards the evil corporate giant just that one time.
-A Doormat with the words "Go Away" Written into the rug. This works to some degree, though to get your statement across further you may need to tape a big black arrow pointing downwards towards it.
-A message asking people to use the back/side door, then a message on that door telling them to use the front door.
-Similar to above, however if you have a gate separating your back door from the side one, simply lock the gate.
-A defacing of WatchTower magazine. I chose to give Jesus a headset and turntable underneath his outstretched hands, with a pair of sunglasses to complete the image.
-A picture of any religious symbol aside from the Cross.
These immediately make your house look unlikeley to provide anything they want, so they won't bother.
[B][U]ANSWER THE DOOR SHIRTLESS[/U][/B]
Chances are that it's the morning, so there shouldn't be any effort in this one, though perhaps you're already int his situation. The title speaks for itself. They will probably leave upon sight of you. I chose to wear a necktie overtop of it, just because. Go for it.
So ends this guide of the FuhFuhFresh Advice Corner. I'm thinking of making a series out of stupid advice like this, since I'm an amassment of very specific knowledge.
I love you. Rated informative.
Close door in face. Done.
Jehovah's Witnesses...lol
I always answer the door nude.
I like to think of them as the crazy hobo's of the religious world. Always begging for money and preaching about the pending doom.
how to make them go away:
get a bitch
fuck that bitch
do it in front of the jehovas witnesses
Put mines in front of your house.
[QUOTE=o DefcoN o;25143287]Close door in face. Done.[/QUOTE]
Pretty much, or if you have a peephole in your door, just see who it is and don't open at all.
Or just tell them you're not interested?
How to get them to go away:
Open door, tell them not interested, close door in their faces.
[QUOTE=Wootman;25143360]Put mines in front of your house.[/QUOTE]
That will keep everybody out... I still want my girl scout cookies
[QUOTE=john_frohman;25143376]Or just tell them you're not interested?[/QUOTE]
that's too obvious NOBODY would ever do that
Great guide. I will definitely try some of this should they ever knock on my door.
[QUOTE=pyrofiliac;25143331]how to make them go away:
get a bitch
fuck that bitch
do it in front of the jehovas witnesses[/QUOTE]
wisdom
[QUOTE=MR-X;25143328]I like to think of them as the crazy hobo's of the religious world. Always begging for money and preaching about the pending doom.[/QUOTE]
I have a Jehovah's Witness friend. He's very athletic, intelligent, talented, and funny and behaves like a normal teenager for the most part.
Except no birthday punches.
put a lot of salt in your mouth and ketchup all over you then when you answer the door fall down and spit out the salt while screaming at the top of your lungs. it should work
Or you could calmly say "I'm not interested." Then shut the door.
I have a huge fucking window right next to the door, so if I slammed it i'd have to watch them walk by it, go down the stairs still in plain sight and leave.
Fuck yeah im doing that
Say yes to everything they say, but stare at them the entire time :smug:
Here's my preferred method:
Put on the thickest Southern/Texan accent you can. Act it, too. Hands on hips, chest puffed out, corner of mouth slightly agape, the works. Trust me, you cannot overdo this part.
Glare at them a bit. Look at them like they're a piece of dog crap some damn kid left on your porch as a prank. Wince a bit, as if you just smelled something horrid.
Now, with the utmost conviction, spitting slightly on each word, slowly say: "Naow, y'all got ten seconds to git the hell off mah land, 'fore I fetch mah shotgun, [i]tresspassers.[/i]"
"One."
They're usually gone before I get to say "two".
You can replace "fetch mah shotgun" with "let mah dawgs loose at ye", if you wish.
Probably won't work if you live in the city, or outside the US, but you can adapt the principle of "threaten grievous bodily injury" to work anywhere.
Violence: The truly universal language.
Anyone have that video of a dude with a fro and his friend throw water balloons at those two Jehova's Witness guys when they wake them up on a Saturday morning?
2 words
Super Soaker
[QUOTE=Upgrade123;25145006]Answer the door naked for extra credit.[/QUOTE]
"Is there something wrong with me being a nudist?"
Land mine
broke my automerge
you're gonna burn in hell for that one
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