Thanks for viewing this, I would like to see creative criticism and I would like to hear some good points. Don't hesitate on posting a hate comment on this. But still, at least leave some suggestions. (By the way, this was an assignment for school. I spent around 7 hours on it this weekend. This is all me by the way.)
Some info you might need to see:
-Tuscarora was one of the many Native American tribes in North Carolina.
-The assignment was to capture a good understanding of how the Native Americans felt when settlers were coming from England, to America.
Here it is:
***** ******
Period #9
Social Studies
9/20/09
[b][i]We Tuscarora[/i][/b]
The soft rustle of leaves awoke me. From the light, burning my eyes, I could tell it was morning. I could hear voices, swiftly carrying on their sentences. It sounded like another language. I took a quick glance at my wife, Sarhi*. She was still sound asleep, lying silent. The voices got louder and closer. I looked toward my right, and grabbed my tomahawk**. Soundlessly, I peered through an opening. I saw several men, covered head to toe in random cloth. Their skin was pale, and they seemed to be the ones speaking. Within minutes, the men spun around and walked away. I left my building to go study the previous area of these men…. The whitemen. Their feet had left prints on the mud. Odd markings were scattered within these prints. “Anni***! What are you doing up so early, and why are you out here?” Demanded Sarhi. Immediately I answered, “I saw many men, the color of a cloudy sky. They were passing in on our land. I had to come out here and look.” Sarhi looked puzzled. Her head tilted to one side and her mouth trembled. She finally let loose these words, “You saw them too? They were here yesterday and the day before. They look like they could mean death, they scare me Anni.” She truly looked frightened. “It’s okay,” I replied, “don’t worry. I’ll take care of them soon enough.”
Sarhi and I walked back to our building. We sat down, and talked. “Anni, do you think we should go see the Chief**** about the whitemen?” Said Sarhi. “That might not be to bad of an idea,” I replied “do you wish to come with me to see the Chief?” Sarhi nodded, got up, and stretched. “We might as well go now,” said Sarhi, “soon this part of the Tuscarora tribe will be up and wanting to speak with the chief.” I started to walk down the path, on the way to see the Chief. I took quiet footsteps to be respectful to the tribe. Many people are still sleeping. “There it is,” said I, “the Chief’s building.” I prepared what I would say to the Chief. How to explain the whiteman. “Chief… are you awake? I would like to speak with you…” We waited, no answer. I looked toward Sarhi. She pointed with her eyes to go inside. Quietly, I entered his building. The hay on the door tickled my skin. “Chief! We need to speak to you. It’s urgent.” I said while gently shaking the Chief. He grunted, and then his eyes widened. “Wha- What do you need?” stuttered the Chief. “Men have been roaming our lands. Not Tuscarora men, but extraordinary peoples. They were white skinned, and they wore cloth from top to bottom. Sarhi saw them the day before and yesterday, and I just saw them today. They are not welcome here, what should I do?” I could see the chief was thinking hard, but uneasy, as he had just woke up. “Make sure they stay away from here. Scare them, make sure they are gone. If one travels on our land again, get him. He must pay a definite price. I would see these orders wouldn’t be so hard, considering you are one of out top warriors.” Feeling proud to here those last words of what the Chief said, I nodded and walked out. “Well handled,” said Sarhi. “I love you, Anni.” she smiled, and kissed me by the cheek.
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*- (SAR-hee) The wife of Anni.
**- A tomahawk was a melee weapon widely used by Native Americans and Indian peoples.
***-(Ah-nee) The main character, played in 1st person.
**** - The Chief is a higher authority in a tribe, or just part of a tribe.
Walking toward home, I saw Zoez*, my best friend. He called me over. Sarhi went home, but I stayed to talk with Zoez. Now this village of Tuscarora was awake. I saw my nine year old daughter, Alyx, playing with some of her friends. “So how are you Zo?” I said excitedly. “Mighty well my friend. Wanna go hunt with me? I just finished my arrows.” Zoez seemed proud. He always loved making those arrows. “Well why not? I’ll be right back. Just need to get equipped.” and I was off to my house. “Back so soon?” said Sarhi. I shook my head no. “I am just getting my hunting gear. Zoez and I are going to go to the hunting grounds…” I grabbed my bow, a first class bow made only by our finest bow makers. “Four rockhead** arrows will do the trick” I thought to myself, “now just my wooden steaks and I’m okay.” I left, waving goodbye to Sarhi. I met up with Zoez at the hunting grounds. I thought to tell him about the whiteman, but I decided to keep it to myself. After all, we don’t need everyone running scared. “Zoez! There’s a doe. Get her!” I said quietly. Faster than the blink of an eye, Zoez had hit the deer. Before the doe could tumble, Zoez had already prepared another arrow. Zoez is the top archer through out the whole Tuscarora tribe. “Wow! Nice one Zo!” I said, and he agreed with me by nodding and smiling. Zoez and I walked toward the deer to examine his shot. “Mmhmm… a dead shot with a rockhead piercing arrow to the heart. These babies really work.” exclaimed Zoez. “Your turn” he continued, and I started to look for my prey. Soon enough I found it. But it wasn’t a deer. The whiteman had appeared again. This time he was dead in front of me. I took action. I pointed my bow toward his shin, and I released the rope. There was little time for this fool to understand what was going on, and if he did, the arrow would have already cracked through his bone. “Why are you on our land!” I yelled. He was speaking gibberish, definitely not Iroquoian. The man was screaming in pain. He had it light for now, I felt sorry for what the chief was going to do with him. “Grab him. We need to bring him to Chief.” I said to Zoez. “Why?” he questioned, and I shot him a look that made him give up the argument. Zoez grabbed one half of the whiteman and I got the other. “Ahh… ahhhg…” said the man in pain as we carried him.
“Chief! We got a whiteman!” I yelled as we reentered the village. “Chief! Chief!” I started to sound like I was a bird, chirping the same song over and over. “What, what is it? You said you got a wh-” said the Chief as he saw the ferociously bleeding man. “Hand him to me…” said the Chief in a very, very serious manner. Many people could see the anger in the Chief’s eyes. Many people gathered around to watch what the Chief was going to do. He was whispering something… I can’t make it out. But he was talking to Bouldus*** and Herut****, our two best guards. Bouldus grabbed the whiteman’s arm. He tied him to a statue. Our statue that represents darkness and death. Herut got the other arm and tied it. They were now tying the legs. The Chief was making a fire to the right of the whiteman. Chanting, “Om-ne-ai-ah, om-ne-ai-ah” over and over. The fire rose, and the whiteman’s voice rose, and the crowds chatting volume rose. “Om-ne-ai-ah, om-ne-ai-ah” the Chief continued. The fire began to crack louder, and it was raising higher and higher. The crowd started in now, “Om-ne-ai-ah! Om-ne-ai-ah!” the chanting continued. Zoez, standing close to me, was startled by this whole event. “Om-ne-ai-ah!” the last chant of the Chief. He was now humming a soft, threatening, “Ahmm…” He reached into the fire. He grabbed a scorching hot stick. The flame was still burning upon the end. “Ahmm…” hummed the Chief, bringing the fire to the whiteman’s foot. He held the flame close, and the whiteman screamed, continuously. His toes were wriggling as they were being turned black by the flame. “Ahhhg!!” yelled the whiteman, and the Chief spat on him. “This…” said the Chief, “will teach them a lesson.”
Flesh fell from the man’s foot, and the chief raised the flame higher. The whole crowd gasped as the whitemans cloth burst into flames. “Whaaaaahh!” screamed the whiteman. His eyes filled with sorrow. His screams were washed out by the sound of the flames. His movements slowed, they stopped. The whiteman had died. Somewhat I believe that is what he deserved, but I couldn’t watch anymore. I stepped away from the large circle of people and I sat down somewhere quiet. I couldn’t help but to think, what if he was an ally? What had I
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*-(ZOE-is) A friend of Anni.
** - Rockhead arrows are a type of arrow with rock at the tip.
*** (Bowl-DUS) One of the guards.
**** ( HE-ret) Another guard.
done? Are we really the cruel, nasty, disheartening tribe that would do that to someone? Unfortunately we were. My thoughts were drowned out by cries. Distant.. Battle cries? That is what it had seemed. Coming from the North. “Align!” I yelled as loud as I could. Soon enough, my fleet of warriors aligned with me. Armed with bows, wooden steaks, and tomahawks, we were patiently standing as the enemy approached over the hill. More whitemen! They were running over the hill with brown and grey sticks. “Arm your bows!” I yelled. The fleet fallowed. “Steady…FIRE!!” I screamed to my warriors. The arrows crossed the sun, and they hissed at the whitemen as they descend. “One hit,” I yelled “Another! Three! Four… five… six!!! Keep getting them boys!” I was excited at the fact of how many we got with our arrows. A thunderous “BOOM” startled us all. The sticks that the whitemen were carrying shot balls of fire. Another loud boom seemed to have summoned death upon someone. Zoez had fallen. He spat blood, he was crying. He had a gaping hole in his chest. “Zoez!!” I cried. By the time I could say anything, he stopped shaking. He had died. “Ahhhhhhg!!!” I let out my battle cry and I charged toward the whitemen. I shot my bow and I hit a man in the head. Next, I stopped running and I took out my three wooden steaks. I hurled one toward the man that killed Zoez with his boomstick, and I missed. I then threw another. I got him! In the leg. Gruesomely, he pulled out the steak. He chucked it at me. It clipped my arm and I yelped in pain. He muttered something I couldn’t understand. I threw my last steak at him. It flew threw the air, until it finally struck him. Yes! I jumped. I hit him in the neck. Three whiteman were left, but not many of my warriors were either. Two whitemen just got arrows struck in their chests. The last whiteman… was aiming at me. The last boom I had heard came from his weapon. I felt a sharp pain near my heart. The pain was starting to worsen. My sight blurred. One of the things I could see was Herut charging toward the last whiteman. He was wrestling him to the ground. A faint “No!!” was coming from a woman. Sarhi has appeared on top of me. “No!” she said “Don’t leave me!” She was crying over my body. My sight was losing the grip of everything in front of me. My muscles relaxed. I was scared to death. “I- I am… dying…” I thought very uneasily. Everything was almost black. Alyx was all of a sudden on top of me, crying “Daddy! No, why daddy! Don’t leave…”
Well, kinda short. :smile: And you may have seen somewhat of a resemblance to Ep.2 in there. (Alyx / "Dont leave me" when Eli dies)
Well, it does what the assignment wants I suppose. I'm sorry, I stopped ready around half way and skipped to the end because I'm really not all that interested in Amerindian history and such. I thought it was pretty boring overall. The description was simple, characters had no real developpement (I understand it's a short story, so this wasn't really required) and the dialog didn't always seem to fit. Your verbs are really messed up. You're talking in the past tense, as in Anni is recounting his story after he has died, and at many points you say something as if it is in the present.
Not a great work of fiction, but not terrible. Fine effort.
[QUOTE=Dclone2;17437645]Well, it does what the assignment wants I suppose. I'm sorry, I stopped ready around half way and skipped to the end because I'm really not all that interested in Amerindian history and such. I thought it was pretty boring overall. The description was simple, characters had no real developpement (I understand it's a short story, so this wasn't really required) and the dialog didn't always seem to fit. Your verbs are really messed up. You're talking in the past tense, as in Anni is recounting his story after he has died, and at many points you say something as if it is in the present.
Not a great work of fiction, but not terrible. Fine effort.[/QUOTE]
Thank you very much for the reply. Noted :D
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