• Post your own short story!
    72 replies, posted
Yeah, pretty simple to get eh? Just post a short story [B]that you made.[/B] Please also help to improve user's story's. That will allow them to become better writers, and create better storys for you! Rules: 1. Be Serious. Now everyone likes joke now, and again, but I would rather keep trolls out of the thread if possible please. 2. Be Original. Don't steal peoples ideas! 3. Don't Steal. Do you need an explanation on that? 4. There is no maximum of sentences, or minimum. 5. No ponies/furries, and other fucking bandwagons. 6. Making pictures to go along with the story is fine, just make sure it's not NSFW. I will have a contribution out soon once I finish it.
There were so many "Just let me finish it" posts in the other one :v: I'll race y'all to see who finishes theirs first.
I guess I can post what I have for my contribution. It's unedited, and not finished through. [B] ***Chapter 0: The Beginning***[/B] In the distant universe there was a large planet called "Teroshu". It has 307 moons, and is about as close to the star as Mercury is to our star. The moons cause a shade of darkness over the murky planet, and yet life evolved. Because Teroshu is so close to the star, heat still escapes through the moons allowing life to live. The one, and human like create to come out of the waters were a completely black colored thing called the: "Knights". After years, and years of survival they finally came out on top just like the Humans did on their own planet. Appearance-wise they are thin pure black figures, with thin bodys, and huge round heads. Don't forget they sport huge curved rectangle glowing eyes. Althrough they hated their planet. Being cold, and alone was not the best for them. So after space travel was perfected they created the Great Starship Skyrim! The original plans were to travel to the planet: "Hcroshocrayas". If you can't pronounce it it's not my fault I am only writing what they said. But something went horribly wrong! Lights flashed, and the engine overheated. The entire engine began to melt, and even exploded. The survivors of the first few minutes raced into the escape pods, and well... escaped. But again something went horrible wrong. In the initial explosion the Master Computer was damaged. This caused the escape pods to set the survivors in cyro for completely random time. The Pods landed on the wild planet of: "Koshu". The first survivors that got out of cyro all met up, and discussed what happened. Luckily these were trained engineers so they all knew. Heros got the first batch of knights, and founded the city of: "New Haven"! New Haven survived, and thrived for years, letting in what they called: "New Pod People". Soon enough more towns, and cities were created, and the remains of Skyrim were found, and a large encampment there. Althrough there was a hidden passage. The secrets of this planet have yet to be fully discovered. 173 years after New Haven was created, explorers found a hidden hatch leading to the horrid dark evil place. Called the [B]Clockworks[/B]. [B]***Chapter 1: New Pod Person***[/B] My eyes slowly opened. I was back in reality. A white roof was above me. A voice sounded in my head. "Welcome back to reality! You have been in cyronic suspension for 99999999 ERROR years. Testing of the air on this planet has came back breathable! So feel free to leave the pod, and try to figure out where you are!" As I came back to reality I noticed my head was throbbing. Well what did you guess from a uhh error suspension. Hopefully I don't have brain damage. Now just need to get out of this pod. My hands cuffed around my shield, sword, and pistol. With all of my gear packed up I slowly pulled down on the hatch door handle. Suddenly a beataful green landscape scanned my vision. Two suns lit up everything, and there were flowers everywhere. Boots stepping on the ground I noticed that I was in a valley of some sort. Not many trees through for a valley. Standing up felt great, much better then being stiff for ERROR years. Looking around you could clearly see other pods just like mine littering the valley. As I leaned to the left, and cracked my back I noticed a pink blob sitting next to a pod. What the? What is that? Carefully drawing my sword, I poked the blob with it too see if it would do something. Well it did something. Suddenly a pair of red eyes is stareing at me from the blob. Eyes? It's a blob where did it get eyes? While starting at those strange eyes something grabbed me. Looking down I shook with fear. It was trying to grab me! With a blinding flash I grabbed my sword's handle, and just unleashed a furry of slashes EVERYWHERE! Goo splattered everywhere too. My face, the grass, the blob, my poor shoes, I MEAN EVERYTHING. Soon enough I could finally wiggle my feet free, that's when I took off running. Scared out of my mind I looked behind me. That damn thing was catching up, and it was screaming. Panicking my eyes searched for something to help. In front of me at least 100 feet there was an open pod. With my plan in place I ran to the pod, stood infront of it, and watched that slimy thing slither at me. As it drew in, I sidesteped to the right of the pod. The slimy creature did not slow down in time, and slammed right into the pod. The pod's door slammed shut, then it fell to the ground. Thinking quicky I picked up a stick on the green grass. I jammed the stick into the locking gear mechanism. Feeling relived I slid down the pod, and just rested on the sweet green grass. The Giant Red Sun shined on me. Where am I? My hands ran through the grass. It's a lightish blue, and growing well. Live seems sustainable. Where am I? Maybe somewhere in the Omega District? After all it has an orange sun. We were passing through it the last time I remember being on Skyrim. I might as well get going there are other pods here someone had to have made it... So I packed up my things, then began to track through the Valley. Some kind of creature was chirping a strange song. The giant cliff walls spanned the sky to both sides of me. Large swaying trees dotted the landscape. A animal watched me from a bush as I passed. It screamed loudly, but did not come any closer. It was probably more scared of me then I was of it. After what seemed like hours the forest began to close off the rest of the valley. I had only one choice... Twigs, and leaves cracked underneath me. I was in a crouching position, and slowly making my way through hoping to find other Knights. If pods landed here there had to be someone else. Right? Right?! As I ran my hands on a tree trunk I noticed something strange. The huge lumbering tree had some kind of white, hard sustrence spanning the trunk. It seemed to cover most of it. Infact it was on ALL the trees. Peeling off the substance, I noticed a normal tree trunk under it all. That's odd. Maybe it's some sort of parasitic fungai? The bush russels infront of me. My mussels tense up, and my hand cramps around my sword's handle. What was that? Please don't kill me...
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33266999]-Story-[/QUOTE] Really nice, I really enjoyed it.
I like the story.
Anyone else want to add a story? Also here's part two of that chapter. Keep it mind that it's not that edited yet. Only spell checked. [B]Part 2:[/B] Out of the bush comes a little white creature. It was as small as my hand. The creature had orange stripes on it's back, and a total of 6 eyes. It's eyes were suspended by a tall piece of flesh, and small stalks supporting them. The eyes blinked in no pattern that I could find. The little bugger crawled up on my knee, then began to squeak. "Naj Naj Naj!" I noticed that it's mouth was sideways, and it had sharp yellow cone shaped teeth. Relief just flooded out of me as I loosed my grip on the handle of my cheap sword. I still should keep caution I don't know if it's poisonous or not. "Naj! Naj!" I petted it's top right eye stalk. It began to growl, but not in an angry way. The creature started to chew on my sleeve. As soon as it began I heard a voice in the distance. "Hey man! This meat tastes like crap! I thought you knew how to cook." "It's your fault. You brought me bad meat!" "No I did not. This meat is raw I mean LOOK AT IT!" the voice yelled "You see this pink?! Are you trying to freaking poison us?" "Oh quit your babbling, it's not like a little raw meat is going to kill you." My heart raced. This was in Knight language! Like lightning I bolted up right, and ran in the direction of the voices. The small white creature hung on for dear life. A small little camp, with 4 tents, and a campfire infront of it could be seen through the trees. 3 Knights stood around the campfire sampling the meats. "Oh come on man this is just awful," complained the one in the white shirt, and brown armor. He had a strange helmet that had a sword looking formation at the top of it. "Daos! Be shutten yours trap! Dis is zee goood stuff right hera!" A Knight was sitting in a chair just gobbling down the raw meat. He had the same time of helmet as all the others. He was in a plated leather armor suit, with some black gloves. There seemed to be a tear in the left one, and a scar on that hand. "Hmors you will eat everything you idiot. You think everythings good, and that's why you get food poisoning every month," Daos growled. The other four seemed to be standing up picking at the meat. One of the four piped up, "You should be lucky that you are getting anything!" He exclaimed. This Knight was wearing a brown open coat, with large pockets all over it. He was wearing a pair of broken glasses. The Knight also had a black scarf. "So that means you can't cook it first?" Daos complained some more. Suddenly a feminine looking figure comes out of one of the threads. She had a large scar over her left eye, and she was wearing another plated leather armor suit, with chain mail over it. She also had a backpack on. I noticed that her helmet had a shield, but unlike the rest of them there was a crystal in the handle of the fake sword. "All of you shut up! Can we get some peace, and quiet here? Since we set foot on the surface you three have never stopped getting into arguments! We need to listen for the Bandit Horn, and we won't if you idiots won't fucking stop talking!" She yelled. This was the time to act. All the soldiers stopped talking. I ran through the trees with my hands up. The white creature was on my shoulder. Daos caught me in his eye. "OH SHIT! BANDIT WATCH IT!" All of the soldiers overturned their furniture, and chairs to make cover, then pulled our their swords/shields/pistols. This is not good.....
Good job on the thread.I'll try to remember to use better grammar
The Julyshian World Characters: Julyshy Pegasus form: [img]http://i.imgur.com/ZkeD6.png[/img] Human form: [img]http://i.imgur.com/wrHnz.png[/img] Oni form: [img]http://i.imgur.com/TZlBI.png[/img] Tamama [img]http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090507165407/keroro/images/thumb/6/64/Tamama.i.svg/284px-Tamama.i.svg.png[/img] Princess Pinkamena Diane Pie AKA Soary [img]http://i.imgur.com/fmRuF.png[/img] Chapter 1 - The Elemental Confusion "What just happened?" Julyshy has just woken up and has spoken the words. "When did I fall asleep?" asked Julyshy in a serious and sinister voice. "Who are you?" asked Tamama. "I am the great and blue Julyshy. Who goes there?" and its obvious who asked that. "A frog named Tamama-desu!" Tamama replied, "The mama? What mama?" asked Julyshy, the queen. Tamama replied in a very loud and aggressive voice, "TA-MA-MA. Not The mama, I'm not even a female." So then Julyshy got up and flew away with her Pegasus wings. Tamama jumped trying to reach as Julyshy flew up in the clouds above them and higher. "This is higher than I thought I could fly... Oh well." Julyshy kept flying while Tamama jumped and jumped until he burst below him with his breath that made him fly high. He crashed right into Julyshy and she broke her wings. She knew she had other powers, but she doesn't remember what they are. Julyshy has been asleep for many years and has just woken up, starting to fly. Tamama was talking to her. "I was just getting up from sleeping in the field of grass and starting to fly until you did THAT." Tamama started to cry after Julyshy yelled at him. "Oh, sorry... Did I hurt your feelings?" Tamama nodded his head. Julyshy thought "If I am a Pegasus and I represent Ice, What do my other forms represent?" Chapter 2 - Morphing N' More Julyshy used her magic to spawn some wood and stones. Tamama and her built a house. They had a stove, a fridge, a freezer, table, chairs, everything a normal house would. "Uhh, Julyshy, There's no food," Tamama said. "Don't worry, I can spawn meat and vegetables and fruits and all of that." said Julyshy. They both ate the foods Julyshy spawned and were full my the time it was 10 PM. "We had a rough day. Say, Julyshy, what's so special about you?" Tamama asked Julyshy. "Well, with a pick, and a pock, and rickity rock, I shall morph!" Julyshy chanted as she turned into a human. Tamama's jaw dropped so low it dragged on the floor. Julyshy giggled at Tamama and used her staff for her magic. In her human form, she has the ability to use fire just as when she is a Pegasus she can use ice. But pretty much as a human her staff can use anything. Tamama asked Julyshy how to use it. She took out her book and granted her wishes. "July June Ice Fire, Soary grant the element higher" and she cracked the earth and a castle appeared. She and Tamama went inside. "What's this?", Tamama asked. This is the castle of Queen Pinkamena Diane Pie. AKA, Soary. Chapter 3 - The Queen "Is she mean?" Asked Tamama looking nervous and scared. "I don't remember. I slept for like 12345654321 years. " She answered. They walked slowly up the spiral stairs with no rails. Tamama almost fell off at 30 miles above the ground. Julyshy caught him just in time. Pinkamena came flying down to them. "Welcome you two. It's Julyshy, what a surprise." Soary said in excitement. "I'm getting kinda freaked out, Julyshy..." Tamama whispered. They both had dinner with Soary and ate salad. "So tell me, you two. What has brought you here?" Soary asked curiously. "I was asleep for 12345654321 years. What do you mean? I wouldn't know. Just to visit?" Julyshy answered. Tamama fell asleep and Julyshy took him home and put him in bed. Soary gave her an updated staff that has better powers than the one she already had. The next morning they ate dinner for breakfast and breakfast for dinner. Tamama loved that day. He played in the field but suddenly an odd pony came up crying with tons of tools in her basket with an apron on. "I'm sad. That is all." She said. "Who are you? How did you find us?" Julyshy asked her. She responded with an odd answer; "New york city is only 100 miles away." "Oh god." Julyshy said staring at New York City in the distance. Chapter 4 - Marriage Chapter explains itself. But I'll tell you. Julyshy and Tamama were on their way when they found a building that said "get married today losers" So they went in and got married. The end. Pretty simple, huh? That's not the end of the story, just the end of the chapter. Shortest chapter in the story most likely. Chapter 5 - The people Everyday from then on they saw people walking every few hours. They wondered who these were. A few days later they saw the pony again. "You again? Who exactly are you?" Julyshy asked her. "I am Bakery, the baking pony. Do you want some cake?" She replied. "No thank you, but Tamama hasn't had sweets in 2 weeks." Julyshy answered back. "How much?" Julyshy asked her holding 400¥. "4 dollars." Bakery told her. "Perfect, I have 400¥. That eaquals 4 dollars. Here you go." Said Julyshy. She passed her the yen and she handed her the cake. "Let's save it for later, but I'll let you have a small piece for now." Julyshy told Tamama. "But I'm REALLY hungry for sweets." Tamama told her. She gave Tamama a piece and he went to bed.
[QUOTE=Julyshy;33324519] Chapter 1 - The Elemental Confusion "What just happened?" Julyshy has just woken up and has spoken the words. "When did I fall asleep?" asked Julyshy in a serious and sinister voice. "Who are you?" asked Tamama. "I am the great and blue Julyshy. Who goes there?" and its obvious who asked that. "A frog named Tamama-desu!" Tamama replied, "The mama? What mama?" asked Julyshy, the queen. Tamama replied in a very loud and aggressive voice, "TA-MA-MA. Not The mama, I'm not even a female." So then Julyshy got up and flew away with her Pegasus wings. Tamama jumped trying to reach as Julyshy flew up in the clouds above them and higher. "This is higher than I thought I could fly... Oh well." Julyshy kept flying while Tamama jumped and jumped until he burst below him with his breath that made him fly high. He crashed right into Julyshy and she broke her wings. She knew she had other powers, but she doesn't remember what they are. Julyshy has been asleep for many years and has just woken up, starting to fly. Tamama was talking to her. "I was just getting up from sleeping in the field of grass and starting to fly until you did THAT." Tamama started to cry after Julyshy yelled at him. "Oh, sorry... Did I hurt your feelings?" Tamama nodded his head. Julyshy thought "If I am a Pegasus and I represent Ice, What do my other forms represent?" Chapter 2 - Morphing N' More Julyshy used her magic to spawn some wood and stones. Tamama and her built a house. They had a stove, a fridge, a freezer, table, chairs, everything a normal house would. "Uhh, Julyshy, There's no food," Tamama said. "Don't worry, I can spawn meat and vegetables and fruits and all of that." said Julyshy. They both ate the foods Julyshy spawned and were full my the time it was 10 PM. "We had a rough day. Say, Julyshy, what's so special about you?" Tamama asked Julyshy. "Well, with a pick, and a pock, and rickity rock, I shall morph!" Julyshy chanted as she turned into a human. Tamama's jaw dropped so low it dragged on the floor. Julyshy giggled at Tamama and used her staff for her magic. In her human form, she has the ability to use fire just as when she is a Pegasus she can use ice. But pretty much as a human her staff can use anything. Tamama asked Julyshy how to use it. She took out her book and granted her wishes. "July June Ice Fire, Soary grant the element higher" and she cracked the earth and a castle appeared. She and Tamama went inside. "What's this?", Tamama asked. This is the castle of Queen Pinkamena Diane Pie. AKA, Soary.[/QUOTE] Maybe I should have made a rule against ponies. The story is pretty good through. It could tell you what they are, and what they look like. You should not have to supply pictures for that sort of thing. I cannot really imagine the characters, because I have no details of where they are. The story lacks background to why the characters are there too.
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33324894]Maybe I should have made a rule against ponies. The story is pretty good through. It could tell you what they are, and what they look like. You should not have to supply pictures for that sort of thing. I cannot really imagine the characters, because I have no details of where they are. The story lacks background to why the characters are there too.[/QUOTE] That's way different. And It's my story, why should I exactly care :/ And what's your problem with ponies? Can a brony have some fun around here at all? And yeah, I put up the characters because it tells you more about what they would act like mostly. [editline]18th November 2011[/editline] Do you like it though? :/
[QUOTE=Julyshy;33325016]That's way different. And It's my story, why should I exactly care :/ And what's your problem with ponies? Can a brony have some fun around here at all? And yeah, I put up the characters because it tells you more about what they would act like mostly. [editline]18th November 2011[/editline] Do you like it though? :/[/QUOTE] Facepunch hates bronies, so no you can't have fun here. The reason I don't like bronies is because they shove their liking of the show right into your god damn face. You should care because I am telling you how to make your story better, and you are lucky I ain't just flippen out for having ponies in there.
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33325071]Facepunch hates bronies, so no you can't have fun here. The reason I don't like bronies is because they shove their liking of the show right into your god damn face. You should care because I am telling you how to make your story better, and you are lucky I ain't just flippen out for having ponies in there.[/QUOTE] I know they hate it But its not a rule we can't have bronies It's just a story with a pony in it its not necessarily all my little pony related. And it's not making my story better It's your opinion Its my story. I like it. Thats my opinion so I will keep it the way it is It's not true it will make my story better. It will make my story to your liking and not mine. Makes no sense. If you don't like my story then don't read it.
I am just providing criticism so you can learn to be a better writer. Calm down man. No it's not a rule, but it will make your time here a lot harder.
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33325122]I am just providing criticism so you can learn to be a better writer. Calm down man. No it's not a rule, but it will make your time here a lot harder.[/QUOTE] Won't change my story though.
[QUOTE=Julyshy;33325129]Won't change my story though.[/QUOTE] Well great, then you will never improve.
scribbling this down so that i don't forget about it. continue later Ulv woke up to the howling of a wolf in the distance. The fire had burnt out and the cold winter winds had blown the window across the room open. Although it was the middle of the night, the full moon outside gave a dim light and threw dark shadows where the light couldn't reach. The wolfs howling was answered by another wolf, this one closer. As Ulv listened to the two wailing wolves it was almost as if he could understand them. He could feel their despair and the hunger they expressed in their calls. He got up from out of his bed and crossed the room to close the window. As he stood there looking out on the snow covered landscape he got the sense that someone was watching him. His eyes scanned left to right until he got a glimpse of a shape, just at the edge of the forest. Trying to get his still drowsy eyes to focus he rubbed his hands in them and looked up again. The creature was gone. got some idea but can't write now. will have to continue later.
[QUOTE=Julyshy;33324519] [t]http://i.imgur.com/ZkeD6.png[/t] [t]http://i.imgur.com/wrHnz.png[/t] [t]http://i.imgur.com/TZlBI.png[/t] [t]http://images2.wikia.nocookie.net/__cb20090507165407/keroro/images/thumb/6/64/Tamama.i.svg/284px-Tamama.i.svg.png[/t] [t]http://i.imgur.com/fmRuF.png[/t] [/QUOTE] You can't be serious... :suicide:
That's what I was thinking. And that's most likely going to scare more people away from the thread, while no one was posting in the first place. [QUOTE=Beanz;33331490]scribbling this down so that i don't forget about it. continue later Ulv woke up to the howling of a wolf in the distance. The fire had burnt out and the cold winter winds had blown the window across the room open. Although it was the middle of the night, the full moon outside gave a dim light and threw dark shadows where the light couldn't reach. The wolfs howling was answered by another wolf, this one closer. As Ulv listened to the two wailing wolves it was almost as if he could understand them. He could feel their despair and the hunger they expressed in their calls. He got up from out of his bed and crossed the room to close the window. As he stood there looking out on the snow covered landscape he got the sense that someone was watching him. His eyes scanned left to right until he got a glimpse of a shape, just at the edge of the forest. Trying to get his still drowsy eyes to focus he rubbed his hands in them and looked up again. The creature was gone. got some idea but can't write now. will have to continue later.[/QUOTE] Not bad. Please continue.
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33335029]That's what I was thinking. And that's most likely going to scare more people away from the thread, while no one was posting in the first place. Not bad. Please continue.[/QUOTE] I would post more once I finish my damn story. (Which is never.)
[QUOTE=MrWhite;33333816]You can't be serious... :suicide:[/QUOTE] I was. :suicide:
[QUOTE=Julyshy;33337419]I was. :suicide:[/QUOTE] Ok. And with that, allow me to be constructively critical: Please try to work on your wording and usage. At the moment, your story is very hard to read for the simple fact that your verb tenses are all screwed up and your formatting is haphazard. Try to keep the whole story in past tense, as if you are actually telling of something that has already happened, as that will keep the reader much more immersed than they would be with the current form you have. Also, try to work on formatting your dialogue correctly and getting it to flow in a more fluid fashion. As of currently, your dialogue is... well... It's not the greatest, so try to work on that. Imagine the characters in your mind actually having a conversation, and copy what they say as close you can. Normally, this will yield very fluid dialogue relatively quickly. Now, I know that you just threw the story together on Facepunch pretty quickly (I can tell), so I won't hound on you about timeline rigidity and fullness, but right now it reads as though it were written by my 70 year old Dementia-stricken grandmother. Try not to add superfluous details or anything that the reader doesn't immediately have to know, and concentrate more on key points that help the reader understand exactly what's going on. To cite an example of what I mean by this, you mention what food is being eaten at one point, and, it not being at all helpful in the development of the plot, is completely unnecessary. If the above processes prove even a tad too much for you, I suggest adapting the story into a play- or movie-esque script, as a lot of the writing you have in place currently really lends itself well to that sort of thing. to close, I would like to say that I am 100 percent serious in all that I am saying. I hate seeing people with good ideas and less-than-good execution get shot down by others for no reason, so I do want to help. I meant no offense whatsoever in the above, so if I did in fact offend you, I am deeply sorry, but I did not intend for such a thing to happen.
[QUOTE=MrWhite;33344718]Ok. And with that, allow me to be constructively critical: Please try to work on your wording and usage. At the moment, your story is very hard to read for the simple fact that your verb tenses are all screwed up and your formatting is haphazard. Try to keep the whole story in past tense, as if you are actually telling of something that has already happened, as that will keep the reader much more immersed than they would be with the current form you have. Also, try to work on formatting your dialogue correctly and getting it to flow in a more fluid fashion. As of currently, your dialogue is... well... It's not the greatest, so try to work on that. Imagine the characters in your mind actually having a conversation, and copy what they say as close you can. Normally, this will yield very fluid dialogue relatively quickly. Now, I know that you just threw the story together on Facepunch pretty quickly (I can tell), so I won't hound on you about timeline rigidity and fullness, but right now it reads as though it were written by my 70 year old Dementia-stricken grandmother. Try not to add superfluous details or anything that the reader doesn't immediately have to know, and concentrate more on key points that help the reader understand exactly what's going on. To cite an example of what I mean by this, you mention what food is being eaten at one point, and, it not being at all helpful in the development of the plot, is completely unnecessary. If the above processes prove even a tad too much for you, I suggest adapting the story into a play- or movie-esque script, as a lot of the writing you have in place currently really lends itself well to that sort of thing. to close, I would like to say that I am 100 percent serious in all that I am saying. I hate seeing people with good ideas and less-than-good execution get shot down by others for no reason, so I do want to help. I meant no offense whatsoever in the above, so if I did in fact offend you, I am deeply sorry, but I did not intend for such a thing to happen.[/QUOTE] Do mine!
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33346732]Do mine![/QUOTE] Huh? What do you want me to "do" exactly? [editline]19th November 2011[/editline] Ok, I get it now, sorry about that. Anyways, the concept of the story is good. I could definitely see myself reading a book like that. You started with a bang, which got me interested, and you sustained that level of interest and slowly brought it down instead of just lobbing it off abruptly like so many writers do. A few things you could work on, though, would definitely be getting your tenses right. You switch from past to present a few times in there, and it gets a tad confusing, but I'm sure an editor would catch that, as well as the few grammar and punctuation mistakes throughout. Also, since you have both actions and thought intertwined in the same format, I'd advise you to just put the thoughts in quotes and denote them as thought, instead of just having them as plain text alongside everything else. Other than that, it's a great start, so I'd keep working to improve it, and maybe add a bit more substance to it. Keep it going and evolve it into more than a short story; the subject matter can definitely go that far.
[QUOTE=MrWhite;33348388]Huh? What do you want me to "do" exactly? [editline]19th November 2011[/editline] Ok, I get it now, sorry about that. Anyways, the concept of the story is good. I could definitely see myself reading a book along that presence. You started with a bang, which got me interested, and you sustained that level of interest and slowly brought it down instead of just lobbing it off abruptly like so many writers do. A few things you could work on, though, would definitely be getting your tenses right. You switch from past to present a few times in there, and it gets a tad confusing, but I'm sure an editor would catch that, as well as the few grammar and punctuation mistakes throughout. Also, since you have both actions and thought intertwined in the same format, I'd say putting the thoughts in quotes and denoting them as thought, instead of just having them as plain text alongside everything else. Other than that, it's a great start, so I'd keep working to improve it, and maybe add a bit more substance to it. Keep it going and evolve it into more than a short story; the subject matter can definitely go that far.[/QUOTE] Thanks, I will work on it.
Here I tried to improve the grammar and make my story readable.Please give me constructive critisism. I'm sure there are mistakes for me to work on and I'd like to know what they are. My name is Officer Reddy, I'm a policeman stationed in Miami, needless to say I have a lot on my plate. I was driving around a culdesac doing a routine patrol when i got a call on my radio about a biker gang wreaking havoc in a nearby bar.I sighed,I was hoping today would be calm for once. "Roger that I'm on my way,"and with that I turned on my lights and sirens and sped towards the source of the ruccus. When I got there I realized that this was no ordinary bar fight. Even from outside I could hear screaming and crashing.I cautiosly walked in with my nightstick at the ready. Oh man,it was even worse on the inside,tables broken,glass everywhere,and blood on the walls. I looked and counted the number of gang members...8. They were all big guys who were clearly very intoxicated. "Hey,"I yelled. They all turned to look at me. "What the fuck do you want?" asked the largest of the men. "W-well I'm....I'm here to arrest you,"I said trying very hard to keep my composure. They seemed to find this funny as the whole bar filled with laughter. "And how do you intend to do that,"he asked with a cocky smile. "L-look I don't want any trouble ju-" "Well,"he interrupted"in that case you shouldnt have shown up here," he nodded at a portly man to my right. Without warning he lunged forward and threw a wild right hook. I just barely dodged it and then hit him in the gut with my nightstick,he fell to the ground with a thud,completely unconcious. The second he hit the ground the other seven men began pounding my head in. I was in the midst of a flury of fists and feet,I wildly swung my nightstick hitting several people,until the leader knocked me to the ground. "Now hold him down." The two remaining men quickly obeyed. "Now," he said "I'm going to kill you...nice...and...slowly." He walked over to his motorbike and pulled out a crowbar. Then he slowly walked back to me. He raised the crowbar high above his head and swung. BAM! A hard shot to my ribs,I could hear them cracking even as my equlibrium faded away. BAM! Aw damn he broke my arm. BAM! Maybe death wouldnt be so bad. I had taken out five of them after all,that seemed like enough. BAM! Well shit, he broke my legs. He raised the crowbar one more time,prepared to crack my skull and kill me. "Any last words?" "Go to hell." I closed my eyes as he swung for the final blow. BAM! I opened my eyes to see him dead on the ground in a pool of his own blood. I looked past him to see Sheriff jones pointing his gun toward the men holding me down. "Dont shoot,"they pleaded"we surrender!" Jones slapped some hand cuffs on them and put them in his car,then he called for an ambulance. The adrenaline wore off just as the ambulance arrived and a horrible wave of pain spread over me. I began to slip out of conciousness as they loaded me into the ambulanc, but before I completely blacked out I looked at the man who had saved me and said "Thank you." [editline]20th November 2011[/editline] [QUOTE=Julyshy;33324519]-story-[/QUOTE] Also use original characters.I'm not saying no ponies but that was just a fluttershy recolor,and recolors are something I'd expect from the sonic fanbase.Also Tamama is copyrighted by funimation so you could have at least tried to make your own keronian.Not an awful story but please use your own characters.
[QUOTE=chicken spears;33359485]Here I tried to improve the grammar and make my story readable.Please give me constructive critisism. I'm sure there are mistakes for me to work on and I'd like to know what they are. My name is Officer Reddy, I'm a policeman stationed in Miami, needless to say I have a lot on my plate. I was driving around a culdesac doing a routine patrol when i got a call on my radio about a biker gang wreaking havoc in a nearby bar.I sighed,I was hoping today would be calm for once. "Roger that I'm on my way,"and with that I turned on my lights and sirens and sped towards the source of the ruccus. When I got there I realized that this was no ordinary bar fight. Even from outside I could hear screaming and crashing.I cautiosly walked in with my nightstick at the ready. Oh man,it was even worse on the inside,tables broken,glass everywhere,and blood on the walls. I looked and counted the number of gang members...8. They were all big guys who were clearly very intoxicated. "Hey,"I yelled. They all turned to look at me. "What the fuck do you want?" asked the largest of the men. "W-well I'm....I'm here to arrest you,"I said trying very hard to keep my composure. They seemed to find this funny as the whole bar filled with laughter. "And how do you intend to do that,"he asked with a cocky smile. "L-look I don't want any trouble ju-" "Well,"he interrupted"in that case you shouldnt have shown up here," he nodded at a portly man to my right. Without warning he lunged forward and threw a wild right hook. I just barely dodged it and then hit him in the gut with my nightstick,he fell to the ground with a thud,completely unconcious. The second he hit the ground the other seven men began pounding my head in. I was in the midst of a flury of fists and feet,I wildly swung my nightstick hitting several people,until the leader knocked me to the ground. "Now hold him down." The two remaining men quickly obeyed. "Now," he said "I'm going to kill you...nice...and...slowly." He walked over to his motorbike and pulled out a crowbar. Then he slowly walked back to me. He raised the crowbar high above his head and swung. BAM! A hard shot to my ribs,I could hear them cracking even as my equlibrium faded away. BAM! Aw damn he broke my arm. BAM! Maybe death wouldnt be so bad. I had taken out five of them after all,that seemed like enough. BAM! Well shit, he broke my legs. He raised the crowbar one more time,prepared to crack my skull and kill me. "Any last words?" "Go to hell." I closed my eyes as he swung for the final blow. BAM! I opened my eyes to see him dead on the ground in a pool of his own blood. I looked past him to see Sheriff jones pointing his gun toward the men holding me down. "Dont shoot,"they pleaded"we surrender!" Jones slapped some hand cuffs on them and put them in his car,then he called for an ambulance. The adrenaline wore off just as the ambulance arrived and a horrible wave of pain spread over me. I began to slip out of conciousness as they loaded me into the ambulanc, but before I completely blacked out I looked at the man who had saved me and said "Thank you."[/QUOTE] Not bad, but I would like to point out a few things. [QUOTE=chicken spears;33359485] I just barely dodged it and then hit him in the gut with my nightstick,he fell to the ground with a thud,completely unconcious. "[/QUOTE] He got hit in the gut, and got knocked out? I never have heard of that happening before. There are also some errors in the writing. A lot of punctuation points don't have spaces. Some spelling is wrong, and EVERY TIME a person speaks it should be a new indented paragraph. [QUOTE=chicken spears;33359485]Here I tried to improve the grammar and make my story readable.Please give me constructive critisism. I'm sure there are mistakes for me to work on and I'd like to know what they are. My name is Officer Reddy, I'm a policeman stationed in Miami, needless to say I have a lot on my plate. I was driving around a [B]culdesac[/B] doing a routine patrol when i got a call on my radio about a biker gang wreaking havoc in a nearby[B] bar.I sighed[/B],I was hoping today would be calm for once. "Roger that I'm on my [B]way,"and[/B] with that I turned on my lights and sirens and sped towards the source of the [B]ruccus[/B]. When I got there I realized that this was no ordinary bar fight. Even from outside I could hear screaming and [B]crashing.I cautiosly[/B] walked in with my nightstick at the ready. Oh man,it was even worse on the inside,tables broken,glass everywhere,and blood on the walls. I looked and counted the number of gang members...8. [B]They were[/B] all big guys who were clearly very intoxicated. "Hey,"I yelled. They all turned to look at me. "What the fuck do you want?" asked the largest of the men. "W-well I'm....I'm here to arrest [B]you,"I[/B] said trying very hard to keep my composure. They seemed to find this funny as the whole bar filled with laughter. "And how do you intend to do that,"he asked with a cocky smile. "L-look I don't want any trouble ju-" "Well,"he interrupted"in that case you [B]shouldnt[/B] have shown up here," he nodded at a portly man to my right. Without warning he lunged forward and threw a wild right hook. I just barely dodged it and then hit him in the gut with my [B]nightstick,he[/B] fell to the ground with a thud,completely unconcious. The second he hit the ground the other seven men began pounding my head in. I was in the midst of a [B]flury[/B] of fists and feet,I wildly swung my nightstick hitting several [B]people,until[/B] the leader knocked me to the ground. "Now hold him down." The two remaining men quickly obeyed. "Now," he said "I'm going to kill you...nice...and...slowly." He walked over to his motorbike and pulled out a crowbar. Then he slowly walked back to me. He raised the crowbar high above his head and swung. BAM! A hard shot to my ribs,I could hear them cracking even as my [B]equlibrium[/B] faded away. BAM! Aw damn he broke my arm. BAM! Maybe death wouldnt be so bad. I had taken out five of them after all,that seemed like enough. BAM! Well shit, he broke my legs. He raised the crowbar one more time,prepared to crack my skull and kill me. "Any last words?" "Go to hell." I closed my eyes as he swung for the final blow. BAM! I opened my eyes to see him dead on the ground in a pool of his own blood. I looked past him to see Sheriff [B]jones[/B] pointing his gun toward the men holding me down. "[B]Dont[/B] shoot,"they pleaded"we surrender!" Jones slapped some hand cuffs on them and put them in his car,then he called for an ambulance. The adrenaline wore off just as the ambulance arrived and a horrible wave of pain spread over me. I began to slip out of [B]conciousness[/B] as they loaded me into the [B]ambulanc,[/B] but before I completely blacked out I looked at the man who had saved me and said "Thank you."[/QUOTE] Overall pretty good, just needs some touch ups.
[QUOTE=Burgervich;33359605]Not bad, but I would like to point out a few things. He got hit in the gut, and got knocked out? I never have heard of that happening before. There are also some errors in the writing. A lot of punctuation points don't have spaces. Some spelling is wrong, and EVERY TIME a person speaks it should be a new indented paragraph. Overall pretty good, just needs some touch ups.[/QUOTE] he was knocked out due to a combination of pain and inability to breathe. that aside I appreciate the critique and will use that in my later projects. This is kind if stuff that will help me evolve my writing style.
[QUOTE=chicken spears;33359677]he was knocked out due to a combination of pain and inability to breathe. that aside I appreciate the critique and will use that in my later projects. This is kind if stuff that will help me evolve my writing style.[/QUOTE] A inability to breathe? He got hit in the gut, not the chest. The pain is understandable, but I don't think it would cause so much pain he would just blackout. Whether or not it's possible or not, if I don't think of that, that is probably going to mean everyone else that reads it won't.
oh well i can always rewrite that.btw spelling issues are usually due to my retarded sticky keyboard
[QUOTE=chicken spears;33361596]oh well i can always rewrite that.btw spelling issues are usually due to my retarded sticky keyboard[/QUOTE] Buy a new one!
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