I am an alien, and I would like to talk to you about it.
25 replies, posted
Hello. As I stated in the title of this thread, I am an alien. More specifically, I am from a planet two arms away from this arm of the galaxy. I am unsure how to describe it's position in your own astronomical terms, but in the majority of the images and renderings of our galaxy that I have seen on Earth, we are two arms clockwise of yours.
I have been exploring your planet, Earth, for one and a half years, having landed in the United Kingdom in 2007. (This is due to unavoidable miscalculation on the part of my people - the latest data we could get as to where your population is most advanced is several hundred years old. I had expected Britain to still be the dominant state - congratulations on the swift development and independence of America.) The first man I encountered was a man dressed as what I think was a town crier, who gave his name as Boone when asked. I should note that for the duration of my stay, I am remaining disguised as a human for reasons I will explain later. Boone and I had a rather confusing dialogue (both of us were rather bewildered at each other's manner of speaking. I was still somewhat unfamiliar with English conversation, and he switched dialects mid-dialogue, as it were). It was later a source of much amusement to me when I discovered that he had been some sort of salesman for insurance. Nevertheless, I adopted his name as I assumed it was an acceptable name for a human, and after studying forms of address for a short period, I came to introduce myself as Mr. Boone.
I am here on a [recreational] and exploratory visit, as is one of my personal [hobbies]. (I use square parenthesis to denote where I have used a word or phrase that is not entirely accurate, but the closest approximation in English). I am sure that some humans would be disappointed that I was not here to make an official 'first contact', but that is the situation. My species is not generally accustomed to introducing new races to the [network of communicating planets] of this galaxy. I am, by choice, not intending to introduce new technology or medicine to your race. I am not prohibited from doing so, nor am I prohibited from making official contact, but I, and most other people of my society, would not do so, for reasons which you may or may not like, understand, or want to hear. For now I will offer the explanation that it would be [wrong] to alter your planet's future by giving you technology you have not discovered. This explanation carries a note of truth, but the real reasons are more complex and I may discuss them at a later date.
about me, my planet and my people
The phonetic spelling of my name is approximately awr-bt-n[yi]-ah. The 'yi' is in square parenthesis as it is not quite representative of the vowel sound my language has that yours does not. While on Earth, Mr. Boone is my preferred name. I am 58 years old, identify myself as an unskilled [scientist], and have travelled to 7 [lonely] planets and nearly all planets of the [network], of which there are more than 20. My excursions to [lonely] planets last between six months and three years, and I produce no in-depth scientific reports when I return from them. I intend to stay the full three years and perhaps even longer on Earth, as your planet is in extreme turbulence and I find it engrossing.
My own planet is called (again, best approximation) Ulath, which is a corruption of an ancient word for 'floor' or 'base' in my language. It is slightly larger than Earth, is approximately 40% water and 60% land, and has lower gravitational pull which I understand is due to a lower density, though I have never studied that branch of [science]. I intend to in the future. Because of this, there are many more flying creatures on my planet than yours, though the most intelligent are land-dwellers. The planet's structure is somewhat similar to Earth, tectonically, and you will find that this is the case in many life-supporting planets. However, Ulath is much colder than Earth, and many regions of land are untenably cold for us. Most Ulath creatures live in regions of about 'twenty below freezing' in your terms, and traveling on many parts of Earth would be incredibly unpleasant for a Ulath native without sufficient modification.
My particular species are known to themselves as (approximately) "melrins". Like you, we have two arms, two legs, a torso and a head, two eyes and a mouth. Our ear-analogs also number two, though we have no noses, smelling instead through our mouths. We have thin inner skin surrounded by thick, solid keratinous material, thinner and less even at the joints and on the stomach. We are generally better than humans at swimming. Many melrins spend their whole lives on Ulath, doing as they wish. A percentage of the population travel to other planets, but if any have been to Earth, I found no record of it.
We are significantly more technologically advanced than you, but not as far as you might think. You could be much closer to where we are now if you had chosen different things to study and investigate, but perhaps it is best that you remain as you are for a while longer. Our society has not had a war in tens of centuries, indeed it is difficult to envision circumstances on Ulath that would lead to war. The planet has a population of perhaps 800,000,000, with the believed highest population in history being four billion.
what i think about your planet
Earth is somewhat interesting in that despite developing in a similar way to most life-supporting planets of it's age, it has had possibly the most conflict I have seen in what describes itself as 'civilisation'. While I have never seen a planet that had ended war at this stage of development, your planet has a LOT of war for surprisingly little reason.
The things you are doing with medicine are wonderful! You are certainly the most advanced species of your age that I know about. The distribution of medicine is rather suspect but the science you have behind it is amazing. I hope that you can resolve the issues you have soon and really get to work on this, you could really make a lot more people happy with a bit of effort.
Your food, also, is phenomenal. Everything is so intense here! It varies greatly from area to area but the intensity of flavour is fantastic. Particular favourites include Marmite, pepper, garlic and curry, all of which I have consumed great amounts of. Your desserts are a little sweet for my liking, but less sugar-based sweet things like sweetened tea, coffee and fruit are fantastic, and I will certainly be taking samples of them back to Ulath. My advice to you is to come up with a decent substitute for meat, and then you will be the finest chefs in the galaxy.
why I have revealed myself here
I have chosen to reveal myself in several mediums across the Earth - sometimes to singular people, sometimes to groups. I have chosen this place as my next reveal for several reasons. One is because as near as I can tell, this is the Internet area comprised of the largest mix of differing and open-minded intelligences - I could find nowhere where I expect that I will be asked more interesting questions. I also chose a comedy forum as I am interested in the structure of human humour, which varies greatly from that of other planets.
I am sure that this introduction is not nearly adequate to describe my situation as a being, which is why I'm turning it over to you. I will answer as many relevant questions as are put to me (with some reasonable exceptions). I will not answer anything that would lead to significant change in your technology or society. If you ask a science question, I can point you in general directions, but you really must do the work on your own. Also bear in mind that there are a lot of things I do not know even about melrin technology.
Otherwise, please ask away and I am only too happy to answer. I hope also that you will permit me to ask a few questions of my own, later on.
[highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("Gimmick" - Dragon))[/highlight]
Do you probe your own ass?
You have too much time on your hands.
:pluto:
Wait
My GPS doesn't have any coordinates for your planet
fuck it
[QUOTE=evilking1;16124760]Do you probe your own ass?[/QUOTE]
Yes. Without a question.
hey there mr alien hurp a durp
It must be a copy/paste.
like :zoid:
old copypasta.
[QUOTE=kRoKz;16124804]old copypasta.[/QUOTE]
That is incorrect.
[url]http://forums.somethingawful.com/showthread.php?threadid=3119253&userid=0&perpage=40&pagenumber=1[/url]
Go back to SA.
Case Closed.
Yeah, and I'm the Grand Galactic Inquisitor.
[B]IGNORE ME![/B]
How in the hell did you get past the Planetary Defense Grid? Your UFO would've been shot down by our F-22's.
Show us pics of your body, then we believe you.
Blatantly stolen from SA
e;fb
[b]Make a porno[/b]
Strip naked and get on the probulator.
Can i put my quantum analyzer in your proctorial distributor?
So, mister whome i assume to be a at least semi intellegent alien. Why Oh Why, do you visit one of the most immature, Silly, And rediculous forums to discuss anything with humans?
[QUOTE=Benie;16124820]How in the hell did you get past the Planetary Defense Grid? Your UFO would've been shot down by our F-22's.[/QUOTE]
no this
[img]http://fc02.deviantart.com/fs6/i/2005/093/2/2/Swedish_UFO_Interception_by_Alfredsson.jpg[/img]
