I was out with a pal and my dad going HAWSE RIDING because horses are cool. I spoke to the lardass instructor and he told me how to get on. I mounted the horse and he gave me a few tips. "Hold the reigns like this" he snatched the reigns from my hands with his giant wangfingers. "This is how you do itttttt..." and he handed them back to me. I turned a few corners and he said "Ok that was good I'm going for my break now have fun."
I got off my horse and sat down. The horse stared at me. "The fuck you want?" I said to it, because, you know, fuck horses. It shyed away from me and Instructor Assfat was back. "Right, get back on Fuzzbasket here."
"Fuzzbasket?"
"His name."
"You called him Fuzzbasket?"
"After my cat, yes."
I decided to ignore him and get back on. Just then the woman at reception yells through the door "No, Mr. Williams we told you last week!" To which my instructor replied by saying "oh god no," under his breath.
A bald old man with liverspots and wrinkles the size of fucking Luxembourg came in. He had a whole fucking suit on.
"THIS IS AN [b]OUTRAGE[/b]!" he yelled like a dying whale "I WILL NOT STAND FOR THIS!"
"Calm down Mr. Williams, calm d-"
"HOW CAN I BE CALM WHEN OUR CHILDREN ARE EXPOSED TO SUCH FILTH!?" he pointed at me, wielding his arm like it was held on with fucking pritt-stick.
"Me?" I said, confused.
"NO, NOT YOU YOU IDIOT, THE HORSE!"
He marched up to the horse I was sitting on and and pointed at it's nether regions. "YOU CAN SEE THIS ANIMAL'S TESTICLES!
"Uhhh, so?" I said to him.
"WELL, YOU INSOLENT CHILD, THIS HORSE IS EXPOSING MY GRANDCHILDREN TO SMUT!"
The next thing to happen shocked me. He kicked the horse in the nuts with his dress boots. He kicked the horse. In the fucking nuts.
I got thrown backwards off the fucking horse, it sort of keeled backwards an ran to the other edge of the field, and the old man kicked Instructor Assfat.
"WHAT THE FUCK IS YOUR PROBLEM OLD MAN?!" said Instructor Fatass, on the ground pouring fucking blood thanks to Grampa Crazy's hard-tip boots.
"DON'T SWEAR!" He rebutted.
I got back up and wondered what to do, but I didn't need to. A nursing home orderly came in and said "Come now Edward, you'll miss your Daughter's wedding!"
"I MISSED MY LITTLE GIRL'S WEDDING THANKS TO YOU!" he yelled back at us. AAAt this point my Dad and friend arrived asking what in hell just happened. The receptionist told them everything and they just laughed.
tl;dr senile old man kicks a horse in the nuts because he can see them (While I'm on the horse,) I fall over, instructor gets kicked with hardtipped boots, bleeds a fucking stream.
So he was a Christian?
Yep, that sure was a story!
[QUOTE=tankkiller;19305891]So he was a Christian?[/QUOTE]
He was some sort of super-christian that thinks animals not wearing clothes is unnatural and outrageous.
I hate horse riding because they smell like shit
never again will I ever be persuaded to go to any stable ever in my life
[QUOTE=Umi-hebi;19305947]I hate horse riding because they smell like shit
never again will I ever be persuaded to go to any stable ever in my life[/QUOTE]
Solution: Get a cold before you go.
That could have paralyzed you for life.
What would it matter if you see some balls?
You've got your own, don't you?
That was a great story. Brilliant
[QUOTE=DOG-GY;19305972]That could have paralyzed you for life.[/QUOTE]
Yeah, unlikely. I was on grass, I sort of was half-way off when I realised horse was going to throw me
[QUOTE=tankkiller;19305964]Solution: Get a cold before you go.[/QUOTE]
Solution: Don't go.
[QUOTE=NinjaPanda;19306027]Solution: Don't go.[/QUOTE]
Solution: Stop being a weeaboo.
[QUOTE=Umi-hebi;19305947]I hate horse riding because they smell like shit
never again will I ever be persuaded to go to any stable ever in my life[/QUOTE]
im sure you dont hate riding dragons
their dongs of course
I laughed really hard
:geno:
What the fuck did I just waste two minutes of my life reading?
Old people are our greatest resource, they always provide laughs and shit.
[QUOTE=Madman_Andre;19306135]:geno:
What the fuck did I just waste two minutes of my life reading?[/QUOTE]
Ballpunt
i was expecting more
[QUOTE=MedicWine;19306407]i was expecting more[/QUOTE]
Like him to climb on the horse and [b]THEN[/b] kick it in the balls.
First your cock is on fire from a jellyfish and then some old guy kicks your horse in the nuts. What is wrong with you.
I'm not sure why I laughed so hard at this.
Cool.
A+ thread, would read again.
Asshat mc smutballs.
I fucking lol'd. Well, I smirked somewhat.
Call the police.
Or get his old ass to a nursing home.
[QUOTE=Dan2593;19306438]Like him to climb on the horse and [b]THEN[/b] kick it in the balls.[/QUOTE]
No, I figured there would be more than "dude showed up got pissed and kicked horse balls, then I fell"
[QUOTE=Penguiin;19306556]First your cock is on fire from a jellyfish and then some old guy kicks your horse in the nuts. What is wrong with you.[/QUOTE]
what. SOURCE NOW.
Dude, your dog sent in that old man.
I lol at all your threads OP.
[QUOTE=ubertaco;19311478]Dude, your dog sent in that old man.
I lol at all your threads OP.[/QUOTE]
the little bastards conspiring against me
[QUOTE=The Mighty Boatman;19311696]the little bastards conspiring against me[/QUOTE]
lololol
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