• Acceptance: A Short Story
    6 replies, posted
Well, here ya go. Acceptance In the corner of the coffee shop an espresso machine hisses, while whistling a soft tune. The metal cup clinks as it slides into its holder. The narrow pine floors creak as people enter, carrying newspapers as they look for chairs. Outside, people hunch around small metal tables, laughing and sharing gestures. It’s Sunday and no one is hurrying. Then, like a baby screaming incoherently, the raid siren started delivering its grim report. It was nine in the morning, and I had ventured off into wonderland while reading the morning paper. To anybody else in the room, I merely looked focused on the paper, but in reality, I might as well have been asleep. I was deep in thought, thinking of how I missed her. She was the love of my life: Linda. It all started when she realized I didn’t have the nerve to tell her I loved her. I just couldn’t work up the courage to do it. There was something about the way she swayed oh so smoothly when she spoke. Her voice was tantalizing. I used to just ask her to talk so I could hear those sonorous vowel sounds roll out of her sweet lips, caressing my ears like waves sliding up and down the beach. Her supple curves entranced me to no end. I remember her face the most. Her rust orange hair seemed to frame in her face. Her skin was light. Not pale mind you, but a light frost of milky white. I loved here to no end, and that’s exactly why I could not bring myself to tell her how I felt. I couldn’t tell her how she made me feel like I was flying above the clouds. I couldn’t tell her how she made me faster, stronger, and better in every way. I couldn’t tell her how she permeated me down into the deepest crevasse of my ever expanding soul, and filled it with a love so pure and bright, it could illuminate the Earth. I just knew if I told her, I would screw it all up, so I left. Suddenly, I was picked up out of my dazed state, and dropped off in an unnerving and alarming place. As I looked around, all I could see was people scrambling to their cars, or running around, unsure of what to do. This sea of confusion was only further fueled by a constant stream of incoherent babble streaming from lips moving at seemingly impossible speeds. I ran spastically out of the coffee shop and over to the dinner just a few buildings down. As I burst through the doors looking franticly for a TV or radio, I ran into a group of people huddled in the back of the dinner all looking intently at a TV. As soon as I looked at the TV, a balding middle-aged man came on, and in an all too nonchalant tone, explained what was going on. “People of the United States of America, over the course of the last decade we have been tracking an asteroid approximately the size of Texas moving slowly in a parallel orbit to our own. Last night at 9:16 pacific standard time, this asteroid collided with an unknown celestial body and was redirected into an orbit that directly intercepts the Earth’s. The situation isn’t pretty, and there really isn’t anything we can do other than make our peace. The best time estimate until impact we can give is in just a few hours, it’s impossible to know for sure. If you have family or loved ones, now is the time. God speed, and May the lord help us all.” I sprinted out of the dinner and made a b line for my car. I had heard enough and I had to get moving before it was too late. I jumped in my car and started the long drive up the windy road towards my grandma’s house in the mountains. Our family reunion had taken place there just the day before, so most of my family would be present. I wanted to say goodbye while I still had time. Unfortunately, time was a luxury I didn’t have, but somehow, amidst the panic, my mind flashed an image of her An hour later, I was standing outside my grandma’s house. I had made good time by driving well over the speed limit. I had driven so fast, that the slightest change in direction resulted in a terrible screech from the tires. I burst into the house and found almost my entire family in the living room. The mere sight of their worried faces was enough to put me in a pessimistic mood. I snapped out of it and steeled myself for the inevitable cascade of tears and emotion that was about to take place right in this very room. Everyone was circled around my grandpa, hands interlocked in prayer, who was reading a bible. Everyone turned to meet my eyes, and for a few short seconds, there was a moment of peace. The room felt normal, even tranquil, and my mind was silenced for a few short moments. For those few short seconds, there was nothing to do, nothing to think about, and nothing to worry about. And it was in these few seconds, that I decided that there was something I had to do, some task I had to fulfill before I left this world. I didn’t have to explain it to anyone, because everyone already understood; during those few short seconds of absolute enlightenment, everyone in the room understood each other. It was in that state of conscious unconsciousness, that everyone understood that I was leaving. I gave everyone in the room a curt nod and without even saying a word, said hello and goodbye forever to my family. Now was the time to absolve myself of all my guilt and shame. I ran back to the car without effort. It was as if I was floating on air. I drove calmly like a madman down toward the suburbs, where hopefully, she was waiting. As I approached the suburbs where she lived, I was overcome with a sense of fear. I pressed on regardless. I had to do this, for it was the one thing I had to do to be at peace with myself and die without any regrets. I pulled up to her house, and got out of my car. I was overcome by both a sense of purpose, and sheer terror. I approached the door and forced myself to pause and collect my wits. With effort that I can only compare to that of a mother bring a new soul into this world, I knocked on the door. After about five minutes without an answer, I almost gave up. I felt as if I had made it to the end of the finish line of a one thousand mile run, and was unable to cross it. I turned around and headed to my car with a shattered heart, and a sense of despair and depression. I would not have heard her open the door if she hadn’t called my name. “James?” she asked. I turned around and saw her face. It was drenched in tears, both of joy and of sorrow. It seemed to glow in the light, as if it were imbued with some power not known by man. Her hair swayed mystically in the calm, cool breeze just as I remembered. A religious man would call her an angel or a saint. I may not have been a religious man, but she was my saint all the same. All my feelings undisputedly belonged to her. The very memory of her was enough to give me a sense of righteousness and power that nothing else in this world could. “Linda?” I asked in return. “Oh James….” She said It was now, at the edge of time, space, and life that I said something I had never said to another person in the entirety of my existence. “I love you, Linda” It seemed as though even before I had finished saying it, we were already running, arms outstretched, at each other. When we met, we shared a kiss that contained the passion of a thousand fiery suns. In that moment I was in a state of being I have never been in before or since, it was nirvana. It was as if I had reached Shangri La. We fell to the grass, still locked as one, and I thought about my life. I was happy to find that I wasn’t one of the people who contemplated how they would have lived life differently if they only had the chance. I was satisfied with every part of my life, and in this moment, this beautiful moment, the world ended.
I liked it :) What I didn't like was the whole description and the way you had the man on tv saying that the world was coming to an end that day. After that there should be a chaotic situation, people screaming and all that stuff. I think that would make it even more dramatic. A good addition would be an atheist person in your character's family being and atheist and suddenly see him praying. At the kiss scene you could actually go on saying that there were hundreds screaming and cars moving people crying that you couldn't actually understand if there was an answer from the door. And when the kiss takes place all of this mess is just vanishing both from the emotion of the moment and of the world destruction. I really liked the description at the start of the story. Sorry if my thoughts are little messed up.
[QUOTE=Stathis;19594572]I liked it :) What I didn't like was the whole description and the way you had the man on tv saying that the world was coming to an end that day. After that there should be a chaotic situation, people screaming and all that stuff. I think that would make it even more dramatic. A good addition would be an atheist person in your character's family being and atheist and suddenly see him praying. At the kiss scene you could actually go on saying that there were hundreds screaming and cars moving people crying that you couldn't actually understand if there was an answer from the door. And when the kiss takes place all of this mess is just vanishing both from the emotion of the moment and of the world destruction. I really liked the description at the start of the story. Sorry if my thoughts are little messed up.[/QUOTE] Thanks! I have the revision almost finished that is a bit longer and includes some of your suggestions. I will post it as soon as its finished. Thanks again for the comments.
Theres something about the story that I don't like, but I can't really put my finger on it. It just feels empty somehow, I lack any sort of emotion for any of the characters, and I genuinely cannot make myself care about their plight in the story. I think part of the problem was that, although you wrote it in first person, we don't get a lot of the guy's thoughts, feelings, or emotions. We just get actions, the reasons for those actions, and the results of those actions. Oh, and this line: "When we met, we shared a kiss that contained the passion of a thousand fiery suns." Come on. Really?
[QUOTE=Skippy!;19594906]Theres something about the story that I don't like, but I can't really put my finger on it. It just feels empty somehow, I lack any sort of emotion for any of the characters, and I genuinely cannot make myself care about their plight in the story. I think part of the problem was that, although you wrote it in first person, we don't get a lot of the guy's thoughts, feelings, or emotions. We just get actions, the reasons for those actions, and the results of those actions. Oh, and this line: "When we met, we shared a kiss that contained the passion of a thousand fiery suns." Come on. Really?[/QUOTE] the revision also addresses theese issues, but you are right none the less. So how would YOU go about fixing it?
[QUOTE=Bail Organa3;19595545]the revision also addresses theese issues, but you are right none the less. So how would YOU go about fixing it?[/QUOTE] If it were my story, that would depend on what the purpose of the story actually is in the first place. It seems to me that you are focusing on this being an emotional story, a story about mending broken ties and undoing regrets before it's too late. It seems that you want the audience to feel for the character (and even if that weren't your intention, based off the plot of the story it is kind of a requirement). So, centering around that idea, I will say this: It needs to be longer. It needs at least a little bit of time getting to know the character, who he is, what he does, what he feels, why he's here, how he thinks. This doesn't have to be a big boring description, it could be brought out through a conversation or flashback scenario. It just needs something that lets the audience feel like they know the character at least a little, and maybe some things that let them relate to him. It needs to show the emotion of the moment. Not only his emotions, but the reactions of people around him, and maybe the way he sees the world differently under the context of the apocalypse. This would be an overwhelming setting, and it needs to SHOW. The part with his family just needs more... stuff. A little description, some dialogue, some emotion. This is the last time he's seeing his family, it is very important, therefore it needs some time under the spotlight. The reunion with Linda is the goal of the story, the shining moment, the grand finale. This needs some scale, it needs much more description. This is an incredible moment for our protagonist, he would be describing this to us in incredible detail and with huge emotion. And finally, your story is riddled with cliches. Think up some more original metaphors, and consider just removing some of the more cliche parts altogether. Here's an example: "She made me feel like I was flying above the clouds. I couldn’t tell her how she made me faster, stronger, and better in every way. I couldn’t tell her how she permeated me down into the deepest crevasse of my ever expanding soul, and filled it with a love so pure and bright, it could illuminate the Earth." Rewrite that, show some originality. Love creates some very intense emotions in people, and they tend to describe it in ways which relate more directly to them. This is too generic, too obvious. Fix it. And then go over and carefully reread the story, just for editing purposes. Focus on consistency. "I drove calmly like a madman" would be an example of something to edit.
[QUOTE=Skippy!;19601088]If it were my story, that would depend on what the purpose of the story actually is in the first place. It seems to me that you are focusing on this being an emotional story, a story about mending broken ties and undoing regrets before it's too late. It seems that you want the audience to feel for the character (and even if that weren't your intention, based off the plot of the story it is kind of a requirement). So, centering around that idea, I will say this: It needs to be longer. It needs at least a little bit of time getting to know the character, who he is, what he does, what he feels, why he's here, how he thinks. This doesn't have to be a big boring description, it could be brought out through a conversation or flashback scenario. It just needs something that lets the audience feel like they know the character at least a little, and maybe some things that let them relate to him. It needs to show the emotion of the moment. Not only his emotions, but the reactions of people around him, and maybe the way he sees the world differently under the context of the apocalypse. This would be an overwhelming setting, and it needs to SHOW. The part with his family just needs more... stuff. A little description, some dialogue, some emotion. This is the last time he's seeing his family, it is very important, therefore it needs some time under the spotlight. The reunion with Linda is the goal of the story, the shining moment, the grand finale. This needs some scale, it needs much more description. This is an incredible moment for our protagonist, he would be describing this to us in incredible detail and with huge emotion. And finally, your story is riddled with cliches. Think up some more original metaphors, and consider just removing some of the more cliche parts altogether. Here's an example: "She made me feel like I was flying above the clouds. I couldn’t tell her how she made me faster, stronger, and better in every way. I couldn’t tell her how she permeated me down into the deepest crevasse of my ever expanding soul, and filled it with a love so pure and bright, it could illuminate the Earth." Rewrite that, show some originality. Love creates some very intense emotions in people, and they tend to describe it in ways which relate more directly to them. This is too generic, too obvious. Fix it. And then go over and carefully reread the story, just for editing purposes. Focus on consistency. "I drove calmly like a madman" would be an example of something to edit.[/QUOTE] Wow, good points....I wasn't expecting such a through response on a noob like me's first story. Thanks.
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