A story that won me a Creative Writing competition. - General

The story had to be Twilight-relevent. (Not based on the movie/books) [quote]The New World Introductions & A Twist Once upon a time, in an alternate realm to ours, in a realm where beings such as Vampires, Werewolves, Demons and Elves exist under the nose of humans, a secret place called Haven exist, it is where all these beings (other than Elves) meet to fight, pay debts or other things. The leader of 'Haven' is called Moonshadow; she rules Haven with an Iron fist and makes sure all goes well. To describe a vampire is not the typical "prey in the dark, melt in the day" Vampires live for a long time, but they do die. Only ones the do not die are the leaders. Leaders can go in the sunlight, but others cannot. Vampires are barren, except leaders who can have one child. They do not have fangs, instead they use knifes or finger nails to cut veins to get blood. Some of them are strong. They are all fast. Their tears are blood, but if they cry too much they will not die of blood loss. When angered, their eyes turn red, but it is possible for that to be controlled. When with a partner, they gain fangs. Lycans (Werewolves) are able to control both human and werewolf form. Demons are much different; they are mere shadows that can manipulate the mind, physical and emotional properties of living beings. They also shape shift. Elves are almost human, only non-human properties are their ears, sense of hearing, eyesight, the ability to sense danger and their magic. There is a rare occasion of a cross-bred, a Hybred. These beings are unique and rare, only 5 exist as far as this story will go, but only 1 will be met. In this case, our Hybred is part Elf, Human and Vampire. A brief description of our characters: Moonshadow: In human years, a mere teenager. In Vampire years, almost 30 human years. She is a mastermind in a child body, black long hair and strong enough to break bone with 1 hit. Wolf: An adult werewolf. (20 years old), short dark brown hair. James: The unique Hybred. Golden brown hair, a feeble teenager looking for something 'unusual' to happen. To the story... The moon shimmered a faint glow on the city of London below, everyone is asleep, everyone other than Moonshadow and her partner, Wolf. Even though Werewolves and Vampires rarely get along, these 2 beings have learnt to accept one another. As they walked along, a man turns out of an alley-way. "So nice of you to turn up." he says, as cold as the night. "Show us this 'amulet' you have." Moonshadow said softly. "Straight to the point, I like that..." The man replied and turned into a puff of black smoke and was nothing more than a shadowy figure holding a necklace with an amulet on It. "Ah, so it does exist...Here is your pay, take it and go." Mused Moonshadow taking the Amulet and handing the Demon a bottle of Elixir. The Demon gave a mighty large grin. "We'll be seeing each other soon." Then he vanished. "I do not like doing this in such an unsafe location." Wolf said, cautiously looking around. "You worry too much; friend...No demon is stupid enough to attack us, by themself or in pairs." Moonshadow said in a serious tone. "Ok, if you say so." Then they kept walking. They arrive at a tree in the middle of a meadow and speak an unknown language to Humans. And the moment Moonshadow finished, her and Wolf vanished with no more than a flash. They arrive at Haven. 5 minutes on Earth is 3.5 hours in Haven. They were heading to a large building, they had to give this particular item to a friend of Wolf, and he has needed this Amulet for quite some time. Moonshadow and Wolf walk up to the door and knock. "Hello? Who's there?" Someone answered, "We have your Amulet, open up." Moonshadow replied and the door opened and a man no taller than Wolf came out, a Vampire. "Thank you, friend. This Amulet is just what I’ve been looking for." The vampire says. "No problem, we just had to make a deal with the devil." Wolf chuckled. Moonshadow was not pleased but pulled a false smile on anyway. "I shall see you later then." Moonshadow said to the vampire. "Very well." Werewolves did not have much 'magic' other than transforming to and from human and werewolf so they could not perform the teleportation to and from Haven and Earth. But even at that, they cannot control when they turn. Only Wolf could. "I'll be going home for now, you should rest up too friend." Moonshadow noted before departing from Haven. "Yes...I am a bit tired." Wolf replied. A few Earth hours later, Moonshadows phone vibrated with a message. ‘Mission, meet at Sanctuary Square at 11pm’ It was from the Council, they had Moonshadow teach one of the Council members to learn how to use human technology. Moonshadow arrives right at 11pm at Sanctuary Square, The glass triangle in the middle of the courtyard was glowing brightly, all the skyscrapers and apartments surrounding the courtyard had no or few lights on. ‘It is another cold night...’ Moonshadow thought to herself. Then in an instant, 3 beings appeared. “Sorry for calling you so unexpectingly, but we have someone who needs to be killed, everyone we’ve sent so far has ran off from fear, or died trying.” The Council leader pleaded. “Who’s the person that I must assassinate?” Moonshadow asked cautiously. “A Demon by the name of Koboi.” Koboi kills for his amusement. His shadow is small and slim. But has the power to pick a car. His eyes are green and often glow; he’s a Night Crawler, dwells in the night. Therefore has the green touch with his eyes. His latest kill was the Assassin the Council sent, he enjoys killing these Assassins but wants to kill the Council Members anyway. Moonshadow thinks for second. “Ok, I will kill Koboi and anyone who stands in my way. Where can I find him?” She asks. “He’s in Haven, at the destroyed Bar, in the cellar. Moonshadow rings Wolf, “Friend, we have business to attend to.” “Right, I’m on my way.” Wolf replies. In the background you could hear him getting ready. Wolf and Moonshadow meet at the tree in the middle of a meadow. “What...who are we getting?” Wolf anxiously asked. “Koboi. We have to kill him.” Moonshadow replies and without a sound they vanish and arrive in Haven. Koboi sits in his cellar and one of his lapdogs walk up to him and bow. “Koboi sir, our informant tells us the Council has sent another Assassin, but th-“He was cut off by Koboi’s maniac laugh. “Excellent! I have been sitting here bored forever now.” “The Assassin, it is Moonshadow...one of the leaders.” The vampire said, trembling, and the moment he mentioned that name, Koboi stopped laughing. ‘Moonshadow’ he thought to himself. “Very well. Get everyone down here. She is not to enter this building!” Koboi roared. Later, when all of Koboi’s followers were present, he started to talk. “Ok, the Council seems like they’re fed up with us killing off their contracts. Well...they’ve sent one of their own this time...” All the vampires were grinning and chuckling at the ideas they had in mind. But Koboi had the biggest grin of them all. “The Assassin they sent is Moonshadow. Yes, one of the Leaders.” And at the moment he mentioned her name all their grins faded and were now afraid. “No need to fear, we will get rid of her, as we did the rest. We need to ambush her as she comes into Haven. Get going. Half of you go and ambush her, kill her and anyone with her, the rest stay here. Half his followers were hiding in bushes or various other areas to hide in, waiting for Moonshadow’s arrival. Moonshadow and Wolf walk towards a map of Haven, looking for closed Pubs. They find 2 places. “We’ll check here first.” Said Moonshadow, pointing at the closest one. They set off, sprinting. The next think they knew they were there. “Let’s do it.” Wolf said, turning into a Werewolf. Moonshadow pulls her fine blades out searching. Nothing was to be found. “Must be the other place.” Moonshadow said, disappointed. A shurikan flew right past Moonshadow, she saw it coming but did not move since it was a horrible shot, or purposely missed. She ran towards the window and chucked a small dagger, Clang...thud...someone fell out of the bush with the dagger pierced in his armour. “That’s one of Koboi’s followers. He must know we’re here.” Wolf queried. “That he does.” Moonshadow said, faintly. “We must hurry and get to the other Pub, take down his followers and Koboi.” Wolf said, getting ready to make a run for it. “Ok. Let’s go.” And off they went. Only 10 Haven minutes later 5 of Koboi’s men shot out of bushes or out of trees. They were hardly the trouble and carried on. “Moonshadow, these guys are not putting up much of a fight, perhaps it is wise not to enter?” Wolf said, nothing is this easy for Wolf and Moonshadow, both of them knew this. “We have a golden opportunity to take Koboi out.” Moonshadow said, jumping into the Pub. All of a sudden 30 of vampires wearing Koboi Insignia’s showed up behind the front bar, tables and out of the roof. ‘I knew it was too simple but why did I not listen to Wolf?’ She thought to herself. Wolf was dumbstruck for a moment. ‘Focus, Moonshadow is surrounded, 30 to 1, surely we can take them on.’ Wolf thought, then acted. He charged in silently and took 3 of the vampires down, and then all of the vampires put their attention on Wolf, which was a big mistake. Moonshadow spun around with her arms out, holding her blades and took down a whole squad of Koboi’s followers. They fought their way through the crowd, with little more than a few scratches and bruises. They reach the Cellar door. “Ok, you ready? He’s a Demon. They’re easy to kill if you got the right instrument.” Wolf advises Moonshadow. She winked raising her blade. “Silver.” She said casually, and then kicked the door down. “Proberly another ambush, the only time he’s off his chair is when...” Moonshadow stopped talking, realising something important. “What? What’s he doing?” Wolf asked quickly. “When he’s regenerating.” Moonshadow said coldly. “Come on, we got to find him, he’s here.” She added. They search all over the Pub, no one was here. “Damn it! Where could he of gone?” Wolf said frustraighted. “We’ll have to notify the Council that Koboi has escaped.” Moonshadow said, disappointed even more. Moonshadow never fails a mission, but the mission is nowhere near over. The mission is never over until all objectives are satisfied. The objective is to kill Koboi, as long as he lives, she will search the ends of the Earth and Haven till he breaths no more.[/quote] tl;dr Twilight shit.

what middle school do you go to

I'm sorry, I stopped reading after the first sentence. Needs a lot of work.

For a creative writing story it wasnt very creative, you called one of the characters Moonshadow (lol) and started the thing with Once Upon a Time... Not to mention the fact that you felt the need to describe the characters and how each thing is, if you really were a 'creative' writer you would let the reader discover that by reading the story. [editline]11:51PM[/editline] And the amount of spelling mistakes is ridiculous, but i suppose i cant really say much for that one, as i suffer from the same problem when writing pretty much anything.

It one me a comp. which is what matters. :pseudo:

[QUOTE=Aedan1;21972054]It one me a comp. which is what matters. :pseudo:[/QUOTE] How did it win you a comp when you can't even spell win correctly

[QUOTE=Aedan1;21972054]It one me a comp. which is what matters. :pseudo:[/QUOTE] no, just totally discredits the competition and all the entrants...

That sure was..... creative.

[QUOTE=killerteacup;21977786]How did it win you a comp when you can't even spell win correctly[/QUOTE] :pseudo: You dig?

[QUOTE=Heroms;21970874]I'm sorry, I stopped reading after the first sentence. Needs a lot of work.[/QUOTE] Exactly. The improper use of commas just stopped me completely within the first sentence.

It's twilight-related shit. What do you expect, some effort? You're off your rockers!

The problem with your composition, well at least one of them, is that it has nothing to do with actual twilight. Please correct me if I'm wrong, but I thought twilight referred to the time of day between sunset and actual night. Your story takes place just during night. Completely omit the amulet part. I realize it's the introduction, but it's a useless, poorly-written one. I'm not trying to be mean, I'm just trying to help you. You already explain all about your characters outside of the story, anyway. It didn't even tie back into the plot. To me, it just seemed random as fuck and unnecessary. Speaking of which, it's best to actually introduce your characters within the story. Make it interesting. Grab the reader with the first sentence. You could've said something like, "She awoke harshly, yet quickly. Almost immediately, she remembered the job the council gave her, remembered their solemn voices stressing how important it was." It's obviously not perfect, but I hope you catch my drift. Sure, it doesn't give a lot of information about anything right off the bat, but in my opinion it's a lot better. Don't think you have to explain absolutely everything at the beginning, either. It's better for a story to have information spread-out, so the reader is not overwhelmed. Don't, for whatever reason, ever make exceptions for your characters. If they're a supernatural being, keep it that way. When you said, "Only Wolf could," it didn't convince me that your character is a bad-ass, it convinced me that we have a Garry Stu on our hands. The plot was one good thing. Honestly not that creative, but who doesn't want to read about supernatural assassins? Cool off on the stealing, though. Those Artemis Fowl references didn't seem like they were mere references, but instead seemed like unoriginality. Seriously, using Koboi as the villain's name was not creative. Naming the cool kid's club Haven was you ripping off the series. Get some better names. They don't have to be unique to be good, remember. It is better to name a vampire assassin something like Anne (like Anne Rice) rather than something like Moonshadow. Naming your character that didn't show she was awesome, it showed she was a Mary Sue. So, now that I'm done criticizing, what grade are you in, what contest was it, and what were the rules? Oh, yeah! No matter what topic you're given, yeah, it's basically normal for people to put effort into their entries. So, yes, we obviously did all expect some effort.

Twilight has to do with Vampires and Werewolves, as does my story. What now?

[QUOTE=Aedan1;21939537]The story had to be Twilight-relevent. (Not based on the movie/books) tl;dr Twilight shit.[/QUOTE] That. You said it wasn't based on the movie/books (even though there's two movies). Also, I've read all four, dark times but I'm pretty sure I don't remember any elves.

Why is it so easy to win 95% of contests? It's like no one tries at all.

I did an... essay type thing for a scholarship, though I think that's a different matter.

[QUOTE=Penultimate;22034647]That. You said it wasn't based on the movie/books (even though there's two movies). Also, I've read all four, dark times but I'm pretty sure I don't remember any elves.[/QUOTE] Use your imagination. :science: Twighlight-[b]Relevent[/b]; Could be anything to do with the atmosphere, not specifically Twilight world.

You need to learn how to use tenses. [quote]As they walk[b]ed[/b] along, a man turn[b]s[/b][/quote] This is not correct.

Your a Freshman-Sophomore and you still won this? For a person 15-16 years old you don't seem to write very good. Not trying to be mean or anything but I think this could have been more interesting if you had worked on it more.

Me being able to win the competition, and you all QQ about it says that everyone who lost put barely any to no effort into their stories at all. :eng99:

I'm sorry, but that was one of the poorest stories I have ever read. You must have been competing with completely illiterate morons to win with that entry. I was ranked in the top 1% of my grade for Creative Writing in a national test though. You also appear to have stolen "Haven", "The Council" and the Character "Koboi" from Artemis Fowl. I'm pretty sure Elves and Demons are in Artemis Fowl too.

Haven, The Council, Elves and Demons was my idea, Koboi was from the AF series, I couldn't think of anything, so I just plucked it from one spot to another.

[QUOTE=Aedan1;22039500]Haven, The Council, Elves and Demons was my idea, Koboi was from the AF series, I couldn't think of anything, so I just plucked it from one spot to another.[/QUOTE] I don't see how you borrowed one character, but "didn't" borrow other key plot elements that are also in AF.

You aren't being creative by stealing from Twilight. Hell, Twilight isn't even creative, it steals a lot from fantasy and mythology!

[QUOTE=PopLot;22049777]I don't see how you borrowed one character, but "didn't" borrow other key plot elements that are also in AF.[/QUOTE] I thought everything up, and borrowed Koboi from the story. [QUOTE=AshtonArdoin;22052988]You aren't being creative by stealing from Twilight. Hell, Twilight isn't even creative, it steals a lot from fantasy and mythology![/QUOTE] But I'm not stealing from Twilight. Go figure. Edit: You guys cannot win, I have a reason for anything you'll chuck at me. I asked for feedback on the story, not copywrite issues.

I read "once upon a time" and then stopped reading. [editline]10:53AM[/editline] Seriously. Don't start stories with that.

Such idle excuse for a tl;dr...c'mon. Get some mental balls and strain that peanut you call intelligence to read atleast half of it.

Way to appeal to your audience there. How about you strain that peanut and write something that can actually grip the reader enough for them to not groan and press the back key before they get past "a long time ago in a galaxy far far away".

What if he really didn't even win a competition? I don't really see any proof of him winning it, hes just saying he did.

Okay I read a bit more and.. it's pretty terrible. You constantly confuse tenses, switching between past and present which ruins the flow of the story. Also, you fail to realise that good stories, even short stories, don't need 200 words of crappy, list-like backstory just to explain what's going on. The reader should be able to work things out from the narrative but more importantly from the way characters interact with each other. Stating "these two groups hate each other" just dumbs the story down and treats the reader like an idiot. It would be much more interesting to have the hate between the two groups shown somewhat discretely through dialogue. Characterisation and the relationships between characters should not be dictated to the reader, having them just assume that the narration is entirely correct - it should be worked out by the reader over the course of the story. No connection with the characters can be created if the reader is just told "yeah they're best mates and have a bunch of history together". Your grammar is also poor. I can't understand how you don't know to start a new line for every new speaker... that's what you learn when you're eight years old. You also use words pretentiously and fuck it up, like your use of "mused" on the forth line of the story. As another grammatical point, you need to sort out your use of commas and full-stops in dialogue because it's all over the place. What the heck was this competition you won?