• I took Creative Writing this semester and I could use some help critiquing the 5 poems I wrote
    6 replies, posted
Like the title says, I took Creative Writing this semester at my university. Over the course of the class, we had to write 5 poems. Then, in an assigned group of classmates, we discussed each other's poems and critiqued them - telling "what works, what doesn't, and what can be improved". For our final grade, we have to "revise" (rewrite, essentially) all of our poems through out the semester using the suggestions by our classmates....except, my classmates gave me pretty useless critiques. They pretty much gave the bare minimum to get the critique assignment done and over with. My friends are too nice and feed me nothing but empty praise. Can Facepunch give a little healthy criticism for my poems? ----- The first poem is the only one that had rules and restrictions in writing: "The first line consists of an abstraction, plus a verb, plus a place. The second line describes attire. The third line summarizes an action". [QUOTE] [B]Poem I[/B] [U]Bloody Wealth[/U] Pain cries around the globe Cloaked in beautiful ball gowns Slaves toil for deaf foreigners.[/QUOTE] For the second poem, we had no rules and I think I got a bit over stretched with the freedom. My professor said it was "too bulky" [quote] [B]Poem II[/B] [U]Imperium Americium[/U] Rome once over threw Romulus, the mythic Rex, And expanded themselves under Twelve Tables; Freed from Britannia, America went west to annex, By the guise of Founding Fables; A people’s Republic Caesar did behold, Raised emperors to plebeian lament; State’s Rights made a slave war unfold, Resulting in strong federal government; The death of Carthage gave naval dominance, Even far Egypt went under legionnaire’s feet; Conquering Japan gave us nuclear eminence, And Yankee armies forced Nazi defeat; But Rome’s fall came from expansive aggression, And so will America’s with War on Terror’s attrition; While at gladiator games, people paid no heed; Just as we donate to entertainment industries our lives to lead. [/QUOTE] ~ [quote] [B]Poem III[/B] [U]Liberty or Death[/U] Give secrets for privacy Give silence for voice, Commands the power Sacrifice your life To protect from death As people cower Freedom is not safe Only war can make peace As oppression begins to shower[/QUOTE] ~ [QUOTE] [B]Poem IV[/B] [U]Shatter My Mind Free[/U] Get me out of here! My arms hold me in My feet weigh me down. Fun play, distantly heard My eyes squint to see I’m anchored in silence. I see everyone there With silent cries for help I ask to set me free. My lips are sealed Glued by me My arms are chained Tethered by me My feet are cemented Encased by me Let me go! I beg myself No, never My terror responds I calm myself Ponder my escape I summon my will To overcome this fate With raging determination Endless desire forth ward My willpower finally snaps the fear And I am free to speak “Hello” [/QUOTE] ~ [QUOTE] [B]Poem V[/B] [U]Finally, the Fifth![/U] I see thousands of miles, But with no focus. My mind is concentrating, But without purpose. Work is amounting, But none done. Deadlines are coming, Impossible to out run. Finals come in a week, No time to study. Pressure is falling on me, This journey is muddy. College is far from easy, But I will make due. Someday, this is a memory, Of a triumph won through. Every semester, a war, Conquered and vanquished. This poem was a mere battle, Causing me much anguish. But definitely a victory for me, Finishing the endless typing; Proudly planting my standard upon This course of Creative Writing! [/QUOTE] Here's a bonus poem I had to write for the class. It was just a homework assignment of no importance, but if you could I would love some critique of this one too. [QUOTE][U]The Road of Possibility[/U] Looking forward, down the dusty road, I turn my back on my humble abode; Ahead is a journey for the greatest treasure, Any that may come, any pleasure. The future holds the unknown and foretold, The black, the white, the hot and cold; Money and fame may come my way, Or death and silence at the end of the day. The possibilities are everlastingly endless, Just as my spirit of adventure is forever relentless; It can be bleak, some have told, But I will forever believe, fortune favors the bold! [/QUOTE]
Its occasionally a little rigid with the regular rhyme and rhythm scheme, could do with a bit of enjambment here and there as it would add pace at certain points. Also try to use language that comes naturally to you, if you always try and find the words that rhyme or ones that sound very posh and educated it doesnt bring out much personality. Draw from you own personal lexis if that makes sense. it also can add effect to switch between use of long, flowing words to short, monosyllabic quite sharp words dependign on the subject matter. I think the main problem is these poems lack contrast and a change in tone. My favourites were Bloody Wealth and Liberty or Death. Thinking about form and structure really helps, and often the more you restrict yourself with the sort of 'rules' in a poem the more expressive you can be. [editline]15th April 2012[/editline] I recommend reading some Keats, some Yeats and Hardy.
Thanks! It's appreciated
Personally I don't think any poem that rhymes can be moving, it just gives prose such a childish and contrived feel
[QUOTE=MakoSkyDub;35622455]Personally I don't think any poem that rhymes can be moving, it just gives prose such a childish and contrived feel[/QUOTE] i think you've just been reading the wrong poems
[QUOTE=Emperor Scorpious II;35575714]Like the title says, I took Creative Writing this semester at my university. Over the course of the class, we had to write 5 poems. Then, in an assigned group of classmates, we discussed each other's poems and critiqued them - telling "what works, what doesn't, and what can be improved". For our final grade, we have to "revise" (rewrite, essentially) all of our poems through out the semester using the suggestions by our classmates....except, my classmates gave me pretty useless critiques. They pretty much gave the bare minimum to get the critique assignment done and over with. My friends are too nice and feed me nothing but empty praise. Can Facepunch give a little healthy criticism for my poems? ----- The first poem is the only one that had rules and restrictions in writing: "The first line consists of an abstraction, plus a verb, plus a place. The second line describes attire. The third line summarizes an action". For the second poem, we had no rules and I think I got a bit over stretched with the freedom. My professor said it was "too bulky" ~ ~ ~ Here's a bonus poem I had to write for the class. It was just a homework assignment of no importance, but if you could I would love some critique of this one too.[/QUOTE] nice poems, but they do sound quite regular, try messing around with word structure also, some of your poems would work quite well as lyrics for songs too!
The first one is alright, but seems to bounce around what it's trying to say other than being to general. The second one gives too long of a beginning and falls short on the ending. I would've liked more of what the poem is trying to say. The style was very entertaining to read though. The third one was good, but it was all little cliche. The last stanza was very well made though. The message was also very easy to follow and understand. The fourth was a very good read and really made me feel the emotion that you put into it and made me wonder what it was till the end. I feel like you could have a little bit more play with the stanzas though to keep the emotion flowing. Otherwise it was a good read and I enjoyed it. My favorite. The fifth one started well, but then became a little weak as it went on making the meaning more purpose and finished pretty cliche giving no reward really fro reading it. The last one was a good read. The rhyming pattern worked except the first stanza's two first lines didn't really meet up with the other two stanza's first two unless it was a coincidence of the two last to rhyme together. Kind of cliche and could have been longer to inject more emotion. Just remember when making poetry let the reader try to find out what it is about. If you just give them the meaning right off the first stanza then it them feel like what it's going to be about already. Just some cool tips and critique for a cool developing poet.
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