I need some life advice - General

As much as it pains me to have to reach out like this, I thought I'd come here for help. I've seen Facepunch to some great things. I am thinking about contacting the NHS for advice. After all the main cause is my dad and his (recently diagnosed) personality disorder. My life has been all sorts of fucked up in recent years - well forever really but the last few years have been really bad due to growing up an such. It's all too much to write down for someone so I'm just going to paste a load of stuff I wrote while in a state of (inner) rage. I'm extremely introvert and it's almost definitely down to poor ubringing and mental issues followin that. [quote]When I try to talk to dad he won't look at me. He will look at his computer or his keyboard and just mumble or ignore me. He only turns round when he's lecturing us or talking out loud about his hobby - hoarding. If I speak louder and confront him he will remind me of all the things I wrong and manipulate me Ito thinking I'm in the wrong and I'm the cause of everything going wrong. He blamed me for ruining his marriage. He does the same thing to mum and due to her own illnesses she just takes it. She blames herself for anything that goes wrong, even I it's clear as day that it wasn't but she will just continue to blame herself. She avoids all confrontation out of fear and will only ever talk to me. The things she tells me she won't tell dad out of fear. He always had and continues to manipulate her. He has done this to me and my sister. Me, my sister and my mum can talk easily about things and acknowledge all these problems but nothing can ever be done due to his arrogance, selfishness and manipulative personality. He always blames other people for what goes wrong and blatantly ignore everything we have to say. We are stuck and can't do anything. My mum had been wanting to move for a long time and has said for years that once her children had left home she would move to the mainland. Despite being away for a year now, he hasn't listened. He continually put me down and told me I would be home 2 weeks after moving out. I'm his kind he was/is always right and that I the end of it. If he ever is proved Wrong he will twist things and tell you that he was right all along. We have tried to get help but he insists on telling us that these (trained professionals) know nothing, are useless and he knows what is best. After things broke down last year he made all sorts of promises. He has broken almost all of them and while improving in same places, has downright failed in others and in turn, the faults that have got worded have overall made things worse than they ever were. [/quote] Ask any question you wish. If you think it's best I talk to someone on the NHS then just say. It pains me to say all this but please help me out here. [editline]9th August 2014[/editline] Things may be unclear and full of errors, my phone is downright awful. I will be able to answer any query.

If something's gone out of control and you can't do anything, you find someone who can. And considering how you, your mother and your sister are seemingly at your wits' end, I'd say it's just about time to do just that.

We've tried. I've had my own shrink and while I was in hospital (due to things breaking down so bad lat year) witnessed her telling my dad how he's been so utterly wrong in what he's done. He's seen doctors of all sorts, we've had our GP In to mediate and all sorts. I left home not long after things had settled down a little (still bad) an after being home for a few weeks I've realised just how little things have changed. That and he continues to manipulate us even away from home. [editline]9th August 2014[/editline] Sorry if my sentences are poorly structured. I can't concentrate well right now.

Live an absolutely perfect life.

Sir Whoopsalot has got the right idea. It might not be the answer you're looking for but if what your Dad says and does it that damaging to yourself and the rest of your family then he needs to be handled by someone who can. The worst thing to do is to simply endure what he's doing/saying, that just makes you guys miserable and you don't deserve that.

How old are you and your sister? The reason I ask is because once you're past a certain age, your presence in your parent's lives is a privilege, not a requirement. If his behavior doesn't warrant your presence in his life, then don't give it to him. In my opinion, the best thing you can do with shitty, abusive people is to get them out of your life. Manipulative, abusive people are often very good at telling authority figures exactly what they want to hear. Contacting NHS for help is no guarantee of success. Your life is being held back by his bullshit, so cut him loose and make it extremely clear that his behavior is the reason. Hopefully your mother will do the same. If I'm reading that paragraph correctly, it sounds like you're already out of the house. Good. That makes it easier. Cutting a parent out your life is a shitty, difficult thing to do, but sometimes it has to happen. He can earn his way back into your life, on YOUR terms.

As much as I want to get rid I him, and how much my mum would want to leave him if things didn't change (she said this earlier) I doubt she would have the willpower to do so. As my sister just pontes out if she did leave him, he'd kill himself. Which he attempted last year after I got him arrested. Him killing himself is not an outcome any of us want. Looking back, if him practicing hypnosis isn't a clear sign of extreme manipulative tendencies them I don't know what is. Currently contemplating filing a domestic abuse report. My mum is in bits and has no will to really so anything due to the fact he just goes batshit crazy making all sorts of accusations and assumptions whenever she says boo to him. We both compared the situation to a constant fight that she is a referree in..

What is his economic status, does he make money for the family? And for the family, it would be better if you all leave him and then tell the authorities that he'll may self liquidfy himself. You'r famile doesn't have to deal his shit just for the fear about him eliminating himself. That could even be his manipulative manouvers just to convince you to stay or to bend into his will, without actually meaning it. You could start by looking new home for the family and suggest some good ones to your mother. This current situation could lead at worse to your mother completely collapse and even commiting suicide. Mind to tell us why did he get arrested?

It's a difficult situation to say the least. He has multiple sclerosis. Un-diagnosed but it's pretty clear. He hasn't worked properly since long before I was born. While I was a toddler he maybe went out getting bags of shellfish. Then he turned his mind to the internet after falling to ill. He trained himself in SEO and managed to make a living off it. His last bit of work was 2 years ago. One hour of SEO for £1500. Since then he has continualy lived of the benefits system. My mother is also disabled - one of few people in the UK with polysystic liver disease. It's awful. Her last job was selling cleaning products, she also did a bit of IT work from home but that ended a good 10 years ago. She too lives off benefits and finds it difficult to do everyday things. The whole point of my current visit home, besides failing to find a job while staying with my sister was to help out as a carer but mainly to help sort out the mountains of shit my dad has accumulated and get the place ready for moving. My mum has been meaning to file for a house swap to the area my sister lives and works in. My sister works as a carer for Cornerstones and so has contacts that can help ease the process. Alas nothing has been done. Despite me emptying the loft ready to help him sort through stuff nothing has been done. He simply said "I don't want to do this right now" made his way downstairs and continued to make a racket with some shitty synthesizer. He got arrested because he had thrown me out the house. Then my mother and proceeded to throw all my clothes and belongings out the window into the garden and on the scaffolding for all the world to see. He had clearly lost it and was being highly abusive. The aim wasn't to get him arrested but it happened anyway and I'm not going to question the public services. Our local GP was also present. [editline]10th August 2014[/editline] Forgot to mention: All he does with his benefits is continually buy synthesizers and foot pedals off ebay. Most of which he doesn't use. He also has a load of guitars that he doesn't play (he can't anyway) When it first started I had to put my bike outside to make room under the stairs for these damn flight cases and no amount of covers would of protected it from the high salinity of the air. A bike that I had saved my money for ages as a pre-teen. Most recently I had to dismantle my bed to make room for everything else. Both mine and my sisters rooms are clogged with crap. Same with his bedroom, the top of the stairs and pretty much every other space in the house. Before anyone says anything about how much all this costs and turns it against me, the welfare state is particularly generous and even though this is a 3-bedroom house, it is semi-detached, very small, very old and was only meant to be temporary for railworkers about 100 years ago. We are most certainly not upper or even middle class.

He doesn't pay his share of the rent/loan and food?

[QUOTE=oskutin;45651915]He doesn't pay his share of the rent/loan and food?[/QUOTE] I'm not entirely sure about this. To my knowledge no but they do have a joint account so they may well go 50/50. Apologies for slow response, internet is shoddy and I'm rather distracted. I'm actually surprised I still have a connection. His usual first port of call is disabling any sort of internet access - before, he used to just take my computer off me, that changed when my shrink had a go at him while I was in hospital - currently my only access is a Mobile Signal box, he probably isn't aware I'm tethering.

I see that rest of your family has strong weapons against him, as he is helpless and doesn't (propably) pay for the food and rent and doesn't do anything useful and productive. I'll still think that best choice is to move out, but here's some wild ideas: -Write strongly worded letter to him telling everythin he is and what you and the rest of the family think about him. Consequences unkown. Could cause (short time) relieve or him to completely collapse or just another shit storm. -Get your mom to threat him with kicking him out or stoping to buy/give food to him. (Or paying the rent or loan if the house is in his name) -Call the authorities. He'll might end up taken to the institutional care. -Completely ignore everything he says, do not reply or do. -Start (threating to) disposing his 'collection'. There only seams to be hard actions left as he completetly ignored soft actions.

It's time to acknowledge that your dad suffers from mental illness, and part, if not [B]most of his behaviour is out of his control[/B]. Dealing with mentally ill relatives is tough, really tough, so seeing a shrink will help you cope with the issue, heal the wounds and find ways to move on. I'm afraid your dad won't change, so it's up to you to adapt and learn to deal with him. Really, get help. Best of luck! [editline]10th August 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=oskutin;45652482]I see that rest of your family has strong weapons against him, as he is helpless and doesn't (propably) pay for the food and rent and doesn't do anything useful and productive. I'll still think that best choice is to move out, but here's some wild ideas: -Write strongly worded letter to him telling everythin he is and what you and the rest of the family think about him. Consequences unkown. Could cause (short time) relieve or him to completely collapse or just another shit storm. -Get your mom to threat him with kicking him out or stoping to buy/give food to him. (Or paying the rent or loan if the house is in his name) -Call the authorities. He'll might end up taken to the government's care. -Completely ignore everything he says, do not reply or do. -Start (threating to) disposing his 'collection'. There only seams to be hard actions left as he completetly ignored soft actions.[/QUOTE] Dude he is mentally ill...

[QUOTE=Black Milano;45654408]It's time to acknowledge that your dad suffers from mental illness, and part, if not [B]most of his behaviour is out of his control[/B]. Dealing with mentally ill relatives is tough, really tough, so seeing a shrink will help you cope with the issue, heal the wounds and find ways to move on. I'm afraid your dad won't change, so it's up to you to adapt and learn to deal with him. Really, get help. Best of luck! [editline]10th August 2014[/editline] Dude he is mentally ill...[/QUOTE] And stand his shit just because that? Institutional care is one option, trained professionals can care with him better.

[QUOTE=Black Milano;45654408]It's time to acknowledge that your dad suffers from mental illness, and part, if not [B]most of his behaviour is out of his control[/B]. Dealing with mentally ill relatives is tough, really tough, so seeing a shrink will help you cope with the issue, heal the wounds and find ways to move on. I'm afraid your dad won't change, so it's up to you to adapt and learn to deal with him. Really, get help. Best of luck! [editline]10th August 2014[/editline] Dude he is mentally ill...[/QUOTE] [B]B[/B]orderline [B]P[/B]ersonality [B]D[/B]isorder to be precise. The thing is, he's aware he suffers from it, he read a book on it and vowed to combat it and change things, yet he's done jack shit to change. While I think What Oskutin said was rather rash, none of them are things we haven't considered. The thing about getting someone in to help is that he refuses to do so and therefore no one will come. Me seeing a shrink isn't going to help me or my family, it's my dad that's the issue here. I don't know how healthcare works in other countries but here in Scotland, despite being free and all that, unless he agrees to see someone then we can't do anything. He has had someone check in once every month or 2 but as Oskutin said, people of my dad's disposition are very good at telling them what they want to hear. That and he insists that they are wrong, wasting his time and not worth the air they breathe. If he won't talk to anyone then no one will talk to him, simple as. [editline]11th August 2014[/editline] Also, as well as suffering from clinical depression and anxiety, my mum suffers from [B]P[/B]ost-[B]T[/B]raumatic-[B]S[/B]tress [B]D[/B]isorder. Everyone in my family is inflicted by some sort of mental illness, myself included. However most of them can be boiled down to my dad's manipulative behavior and aggressiveness. We went on holiday to see the family and go to wedding do just last week - my dad not included by his own will - and being away from him made her so much better. Me and my sister both agree she was like a different person. My mum knows she needs to tell I'm these things but she said to me yesterday that it needs to be done gradually otherwise he'll go crazy. Thing is, I'm only here for a short time more and neither of them are capable of doing much themselves and I can't see my dad going around asking people for help and if nothing changes in the next few weeks, I'm going to be really stressed the whole time I'm away and I'll mostly likely have no option but to back on depression meds - which is something I'd rather not do due to the fact they make me waste more time than I normally do because of their relaxing effects.

This sounds like a difficult problem and i reckon it needs to be solved as a family seeing how its not only affected your dad but its affected the entire family. Im not gonna force hard options because you've probably thought of it before but i think you all need to come together to solve this with a professional to see where changes can be made.

So your lonely at home and your hands saw m8 well to bad 4 you wanking to much is bad i got 5 fun tips to get your veiny dick ready 4 sum wet pussay m8 life tips brah 1. if you fat kill yourself u aint gettin nuttin but burgers 2. 13 inches deep in ya mum it feels good 3.order my penis enlarger coz your 2 cm dick aint workin out mutha farkar 4. get a life 5. get off dis post follow deez steps and you get all da pussy habib out gonna get a kabib now

My mother's side of the family experienced something similar. My mom basically was raised by her grandmother so she slid out of the fiasco but her father abandoned the family when she was twelve, her brother in early adulthood was diagnosed with paranoid schizophrenia, her mother was pandering and eventually was diagnosed with dementia and her sister was the one who never got diagnosed with anything, but gamed the two of them for the money that my mom would supply them with as well as my grandmother's welfare checks until she ended up losing her house. It sucks but the only way we ever dealt with it was to say bye bye to auntie. You and/or your sister will have to take charge and get your mother out of there and cut ties physically and financially above all things. And that's more than separate back accounts. Its likely you'll need to make it so your mother needs to go through one of you so your father doesn't guilt anything out of her. Maybe Auntie will come around someday but its been almost 4 years since then and I haven't seen her. She doesn't have any hold on us because we don't actually listen to anything she says, its just babble with an endpoint that benefits her, and that's what depresses me about those people. It feels like an honest conversation with them is impossible because if they stop the games for more than 2 minutes around anyone it gets harder for them. But honestly? If I were you everything I said just now would not be whats on my mind. After dealing with severe depression this past year I learned that before anything else that the mind is like a body of water and it needs to be filtered. This is a problem that deserves all of your attention, but if you don't let yourself spend a little while every day out and smelling the roses you won't keep it together enough to keep everything else together. I'm sorry if this is nonsensical and if you don't think this is the right solution. You would know better then me, good luck man.

Borderline personality disorder is a perpetual existence in an identity crisis. Adding some psychology to the mix, one might use positive reinforcement to enforce a state of hypnotic equilibrium. BPD can't be cured over night so we'll use methods that slightly changes the symptoms. Accusations, forget them, they reinforce the perpetual symptoms of disassociation that comes with identity role confusion. He has no awareness over the role he's playing, who he's supposed to be and how he's supposed to act. Manipulation is communication, everything is a reaction which purpose is to influence people on how to get things done. You say he is aggressive. Rage is a stress reaction that plays in defense, this is something that is learned based on how much drama is needed to safely interject ones own ego into reality. Now, how do we use psychology to influence his behavior? First, we try to increase suggestiveness by altering his level of mindfulness. We ask him on a regular basis: "What are you doing?" or "What are you up to?". This will force his mindset to the current moment, increasing suggestiveness. This is where we apply our secondary plan of mind control. When he's not stressed or angered, use positive reinforcement to compliment good behavior, though phrase it in a way where you're not telling him what to do, you simply help him realize what to do. For example: "It was a good idea to reassure mom from her anxieties." or "I wish I was the one who reassured mom from her anxieties.". Compare with "You reassuring mom to calm her down was a good move.". And his behavior will very slightly alter.

[QUOTE=Memnoth;45706639]Borderline personality disorder is a perpetual existence in an identity crisis. Adding some psychology to the mix, one might use positive reinforcement to enforce a state of hypnotic equilibrium. BPD can't be cured over night so we'll use methods that slightly changes the symptoms. Accusations, forget them, they reinforce the perpetual symptoms of disassociation that comes with identity role confusion. He has no awareness over the role he's playing, who he's supposed to be and how he's supposed to act. Manipulation is communication, everything is a reaction which purpose is to influence people on how to get things done. You say he is aggressive. Rage is a stress reaction that plays in defense, this is something that is learned based on how much drama is needed to safely interject ones own ego into reality. Now, how do we use psychology to influence his behavior? First, we try to increase suggestiveness by altering his level of mindfulness. We ask him on a regular basis: "What are you doing?" or "What are you up to?". This will force his mindset to the current moment, increasing suggestiveness. This is where we apply our secondary plan of mind control. When he's not stressed or angered, use positive reinforcement to compliment good behavior, though phrase it in a way where you're not telling him what to do, you simply help him realize what to do. For example: "It was a good idea to reassure mom from her anxieties." or "I wish I was the one who reassured mom from her anxieties.". Compare with "You reassuring mom to calm her down was a good move.". And his behavior will very slightly alter.[/QUOTE] I can guraentee that this won't work. We've tried similar approaches and he is almost impossible to talk to anyway. That and he himself studied hypnosis. The last 2 days have been hell. It's been constant battling. I was kept up for 12 hours arguing with him. He refues to accept responsibility for anything and no matter what, he blames other people for what's happened. He is saying that my mum has altzheimers despite me giving legitmate explanations as to what is aking him think that. Despite this he refuses to listen and insists he is right and that's the end of it. It really is like head-butting a brick wall. I had to phone NHS 24 because he was getting out of control but the only real option I was given was the police, and he went batshit crazy and none of us wanted anyway. I'm going to have to cut this short, shit is kicking off downstairs. [editline]16th August 2014[/editline] I went down at just the right time, things were about to start getting physically violent. My mum is in absolute bits, my dad is in absolute bits but he refuses to accept that what just happened was sever abuse to my mum. He claims that she was abusing him but all she did was ask him a few simple questions and point out a fact or two. This is really bad. Getting him taken away by authorities will kill him and I do not know what it will do to the family. My sister is also in bits and is desperately trying to get time if work to come back before I have to leave for University again.

I've defused the latest situation. My dad is in the living room doing what he always does. My Mum is in bed nursing a headache and stewing over things (despite we pleading with her to watch a DVD or read a book etc) I've told them both that it's best to avoid eachother for the time-being (my dad didn't listen and instantly tried to talk and start another argument but I stopped him) However my Mum is to continue to do her job as a carer no matter what but in the event he tries to talk, to just walk away. I know it's not a good way to deal with it but right now it is the [I]only[/I] way. I of course am going to step in if anything gets out of hand - I think my Mum's lack of willpower will stop her being able to walk away - and to lighten my Mum's burden more-so than usual so that she has more time to do her own thing and avoid confrontation. I hate to be the one to start calling shots but the way I see it, it's the only way of keeping the peace without getting a third-party involved. Meanwhile I've been talking to my sister about it and trying to think of things to do. She tried talking but he did his usual and dodged the conversation as soon as my sister started to prove him wrong. I've shown her "[I]ilikecorn[/I]'s reply and she replied with: [quote] Getting him committed? He would never forgive any of us. I can't do that to my own dad! [/quote] I also showed her [I]Memnoth[/I]'s reply and she didn't really say anything about it. I think it's just reinforcing what we already know and while his technique would work on most people, it'll most likely not work on my Dad - timescale has a lot to do with this. My friend is taking some of my stuff to Glasgow with another friend on the 25th. I don't know if I'm going yet - it depends on the space in the car - but for now, that is my timescale. I have 9 days to make a mends of the situation. It pains me to say this but I need all the help I can get guys!

Slip him with some LSD and wait for it to kick in then ask him why hes always being a fucking asshole. LSD is the biggest EGO killer.

He'd either kill himself or it would have no effect on him. He already takes about 20-30 pills a day. A lot of them have market value.

[QUOTE=FunkyHippo!;45712136]Slip him with some LSD and wait for it to kick in then ask him why hes always being a fucking asshole. LSD is the biggest EGO killer.[/QUOTE] Literally the worst idea ever. LSD makes already mentally fucked up people worse and often causes extreme thoughts of paranoia. Mentally unstable people who take it often become violent and that could end VERY VERY badly for the OP. [editline]17th August 2014[/editline] [QUOTE=Wickerman123;45712358]He'd either kill himself or it would have no effect on him. He already takes about 20-30 pills a day. A lot of them have market value.[/QUOTE] It's more likely that he'd kill more than just him self as well. LSD is a hell of a drug.

Don't worry. All you need to do is become a pigeon and escape life forever.

Best life advice I ever received was to carpe diem the shit out of the diem.