I wrote this for fun. I'd really love some feedback on it since i'm still trying to improve myself as a writer. Literally any sort of comment will do. I'm going to be honest, i wrote this is one fell swoop, have done minimal editing, and wasn't exactly churning the rules of good writing over in my head as i wrote it. Although i'm pretty tired. Also someone should make a general short story thread. Anyway, enjoy.
The world was quiet here. The only sounds were of howling wind through broken glass, a long, lonely whistle from a dying city. Glass crunched softly under my feet as I moved to the window. Lifting my head slowly above the windowsill, I peeked my eyes out over the ruined town. I was only three stories up, but I could see for miles. The sun’s fingers reached across the grey tundra, slipping away behind the earth. The sun was setting; I knew I had to get warm soon. Night means death these days. Suddenly my eyes locked on something, an irregularity in the landscape, a little yellow cap, darting through the streets. My heart froze. A woman. I didn’t know what to do. Call out? Say nothing? Shoot her? I studied the girl as she came to a stop outside the hardware store. Tall, bunched up in clothing, carrying a hiking pack half her size, and a rifle across her shoulder. She looked around quickly. Her eyes locked with mine. None of us moved, or changed expressions. She smiled, turned, and walked into the store.
I was terrified.
Was she going to lure me in and kill me? She knew where I was. Would she murder me in the night? Thousands of questions circled my head in a cloud of paranoia. One thing cut through it all. She smiled. A smile warmer than a thousand blankets. Something so warm and trusting set me at ease. The sun died quietly on the horizon, and the cosmos came to life in a dance. It was too cold to follow her now. Even if I rugged up as much as I could, I’d freeze in a minute. The temperature was in free-fall. Stealing one last glance at her shelter, I retreated from the window. Back to the supply closet I called home.
I awoke to a scream, a high pitched scream piecing the morning air, a woman’s scream. Strapping my boots and grabbing my rifle, I made my way to the window. It was early morning. Peeking once more, I saw yellow cap outside the store. She was on the ground, surrounded by big, brutish men. They were grabbing at her; she sobbed, pleaded and fought. Instinctively, I raised my rife. I pointed it at the men. No, it would give me away, I’d be a goner. I pointed it at yellow cap, her naked body flighting on the frozen ground. I faltered. I couldn’t kill her either. I ducked back down under the windowsill. I smelt smoke. She’d lit a fire. A single fire in the dead of night would light up your position to bandit’s miles away. I closed my eyes. I could picture her warm smile as tears steamed off my face. I silently made my way back to my closet. She screamed all the way.
It was alright, but there is not enough writing for us to give you a decent feedback. Your characters seems to be a little flat because you didnt describe them nor provided a background story.
I also lost my attention really quickly because of the cliche plot line. Lonely guy meets a girl is just getting really old.
I enjoyed the unexpexted plot twist on your final paragraph but it didn't create much of an impact since we don't know jack shit about either of them.
[QUOTE]The world was quiet here. The only sounds were of howling wind through broken glass, a long, lonely whistle from a dying city. Glass crunched softly under my feet as I moved to the window. Lifting my head slowly above the windowsill, I peeked my eyes out over the ruined town. I was only three stories up, but I could see for miles. The sun’s fingers reached across the grey tundra, slipping away behind the earth. The sun was setting; I knew I had to get warm soon. [B]Night means death these days[/B]. Suddenly my eyes locked on something, an irregularity in the landscape, a little yellow cap, darting through the streets. My heart froze. A woman. I didn’t know what to do. Call out? Say nothing? Shoot her? I studied the girl as she came to a stop outside the hardware store. Tall, bunched up in clothing, carrying a hiking pack half her size, and a rifle across her shoulder. She looked around quickly. Her eyes locked with mine. None of us moved, or changed expressions. She smiled, turned, and walked into the store. [/QUOTE]
Pick a tense and stick with it.
Some of your sentences are rather short, but that could just be a style of writing. Personally, I'd suggest not to stick both the description of the setting and the encounter with the woman into one paragraph.
Could use some more vivid/precise description of exactly where the people are. "Outside the hardware store?" Is that across town, or just across the street?
[QUOTE]I was terrified.
Was she going to lure me in and kill me? She knew where I was. Would she murder me in the night? Thousands of questions circled my head in a cloud of paranoia. One thing cut through it all. She smiled. A smile warmer than a thousand blankets. Something so warm and trusting set me at ease. The sun died quietly on the horizon, and the cosmos came to life in a dance. It was too cold to follow her now. Even if I rugged up as much as I could, I’d freeze in a minute. The temperature was in free-fall. Stealing one last glance at her shelter, I retreated from the window. Back to the supply closet I called home. [/QUOTE]
Single-sentence paragraph for emphasis...
[QUOTE] My heart froze. A woman. I didn’t know what to do.[/QUOTE]
Any of these could easily be a paragraph by itself. Remember that literary form is rather free and you can use paragraphs as spacers or as emphasis.
I suggest adding more description on the setting sun in the first paragraph, or second. I just feel that the pacing is a bit too fast (On that note, it's good to have a reminder to add more description later to properly pace a work; when you write, you manually slow your thoughts down to accommodate how fast you can type. When you read over it again, the speed can increase immensely, ruining the pace.)
[QUOTE]I awoke to a scream, a high pitched scream piecing the morning air, a woman’s scream. Strapping my boots and grabbing my rifle, I made my way to the window. It was early morning. Peeking once more, I saw yellow cap outside the store. She was on the ground, surrounded by big, brutish men. They were grabbing at her; she sobbed, pleaded and fought. Instinctively, I raised my rife. I pointed it at the men. No, it would give me away, I’d be a goner. I pointed it at yellow cap, her naked body flighting on the frozen ground. I faltered. I couldn’t kill her either. I ducked back down under the windowsill. I smelt smoke. She’d lit a fire. A single fire in the dead of night would light up your position to bandit’s miles away. I closed my eyes. I could picture her warm smile as tears steamed off my face. I silently made my way back to my closet. She screamed all the way.[/QUOTE]
"Back to the supply closet I called home." is the only description we ever get about him/her going to sleep. I guess you left it out for pacing reasons, but you can still write a short, concise sentence of her falling sleep.
'No, it would give me away, I'd be a goner.' can be in italics, since it is her thoughts.
How come she smells the smoke after she ducks back down the windowsill? Shouldn't she smell it when she made her way to the window and, presumably, poked her head above the windowsill?
bandit's -> bandits
You'll be able to captivate your readers more if you can capture their empathy with the woman in the yellow cap.
You can probably describe the main character's guilt over not trusting the woman.
In short, I suggest you add more description for both pacing reasons and immersion.
As for characters, I do agree that they may be a bit bland, but you can mess around with that later.
If this is the extent of your short story... well...
I can extract some themes about the value and fragility of life, of paranoia and powerlessness (and perhaps to a lesser extent guilt). If I were to write an essay, I'd probably use "The main character in 'The world was quiet here' learns about the value and fragility of life through guilt caused by his/her own paranoia and powerlessness." as a thesis.
Oh great. I'm picking apart this thing at the seams english-teacher style aren't I?
As a short story whose purpose was to convey a message, I guess it worked. If you want more symbolism, you could probably describe the sun as a giver of life and everything. It isn't very substantial, but it does get the point across.
I like it.
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