On the date of January the 22nd, 1748, a child was born in the town of Malden, MA. His name, was Timothy... Though some call him, Tim? As a child, Tim would play in his family's farm with the swine and frolick amongst the daisies in his back yard. Once of age (8), Tim would disregard schooling, calling it a "fuck" of government control and work on the farm, slaughtering the swine he once adored. By 16, he grabbed the opportunity to be an apprentice for a leather-dresser, calling it a "rockin' ass job, yo."
In 1769, at the ripe age of 21, Tim then joined the military, promptly quit exactly 9.2 seconds later, and moved to the city of Newburyport. He then began his trade, which some call a brilliant display of firepower among trading traders, acquired his wife Elizabeth Frothingham, and bought a large estate. Being a popular figure among the other traders, he was given much advice on how to be [un]successful and rake in the cash.
Although uneducated, Tim had one thing the others did not, a large ass-raping four leaf clover on his back. Taking the advice given, he would make many peculiar business decisions that would later lead to his success in marketing goods that would reform the economy of Americuh.
[B]1.[/B]
[B]Action:[/B] Acquire warming pans.
[B]Cause:[/B] Sell to West Indies.
[B]Effect:[/B] As "molasses ladles," were sold like fucking crazy to make shit-tons o' monies.
[B]2.[/B]
[B]Action:[/B] Obtain large quantities of coal.
[B]Cause:[/B] Sell to Newcastle, coal-mining capital of the world at the time.
[B]Effect:[/B] Ships arrive at the time of a strike amongst coal miners, leading to shit-tons o' monies.
"Lord" Dexter also sold bibles to the East Indies, stray cats to the Caribbean islands, and [B]wool mittens[/B] to Asian merchants (who later sold them to consumers in Siberia), leaving more cash in his already large wallet.
[img]http://badmofowallets.com/wallets/tan1.JPG[/img]
[I]Wallet of Timothy, currently held in the Smithsonian.[/I]
As an eccentric man, Tim had many brunches at his newly bought estate in Chester, New Hampshire. Although all of the other businessmen and upper-class nuts hated him for his amazing charm, thus leaving his daily brunch in the dining room filled with as many as four people! Tim, Elizabeth and his two children not worth mentioning.
Being as fucking rich as he was, "Lord" Dexter proceeded to have over 40 wooden bad-ass statues of many famous men including George Washington, Napoleon Bonaparte, William Pitt, Thomas Jefferson, and of course himself, which included an inscription that stated, [I]"I am the first in the East, the first in the West, and the greatest philosopher in the Western World."[/I]
[img]http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/images2/dexter_timothy.gif[/img]
[I]"Lord" Timothy Dexter and his faithful dog, "Dog".[/I]
As the woman-hating man he was, to his guests, Tim would often refer to his "dead wife" as the "drunken nagging ghost" that roamed his estate. At the age of 50, Timothy decided to write a book, despite having no education and being less literate than a slave packed into a shack in the back yard. The book, [I]A Pickle for the Knowing Ones or Plain Truth in a Homespun Dress[/I], included many spelling errors and drunken rants on politicians, the church, and last but surely not least... His "bitch" of a wife. After people complained of his book being difficult to read, in the second edition Timothy proceeded to add 13 lines of punctuation at the end of the book telling them to [B]"peper and solt it as they plese"[/B]. Since then and many years later, the book has now become world renown and currently there are eight editions.
One day, Tim wondered, "What ppl think when ded?" He then created a "fake wake," in which about 3,000 people attended. He himself, of course, did not appear "alive" to his guests. While lying on his death-ish bed, Tim noticed his wife was not sobbing... He later caned her.
On a warm winter day in 1806, Timothy lie on his death bed. Watching the world fade as he remembered all the things he had done in his successful life, "Lord" Timothy Dexter breathed his last breath and spoke his last words... "I cun't dies."
[img]http://www.wilsonsalmanac.com/images2/dexter_timothy6.jpg[/img]
[I]The man, the myth, the legend... Timothy Dexter.[/I]
Awesome dude
It's actually Joseph Ducreux
Swing and a miss, OP
[QUOTE=Anubis678;20492265]It's actually Joseph Ducreux
Swing and a miss, OP[/QUOTE]
K.
[quote=anubis678;20492265]it's actually joseph ducreux
swing and a miss, op[/quote]
zing!
[QUOTE=Anubis678;20492265][B]It's actually Joseph Ducreux[/B]
Swing and a miss, OP[/QUOTE]
[img]http://www.spencerart.ku.edu/~sma/images/ducreux.jpg[/img]
I came in here, read the first few silly words, and expected a funny thread.
...
Well, at least you know how to type.
[b]Edit:[/b]
[QUOTE=Robman8908;20492382]Name + Avatar.[/QUOTE]
Because a real 09er, not an alt, would have used a username like mine, right?
On top of that, thread is 4chan humour, well played.
[QUOTE=Wish I wasn't an 09er;20492350]I came in here, read the first few silly words, and expected a funny thread.
...
Well, at least you know how to type.[/QUOTE]
Name + Avatar.
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