Hey guys, this is the second cut of a film i did around 3 months ago called "PillowHead" its 15 minutes long but hopefully you will be kept interested through the whole thing.
Just wanted to get some responce.
Plot
Somewhere between the dream world and reality a man struggles to find his place in reality.
Link
(to play press the red arrow, close the silly advert, then press the green arrow)
[url]http://www.megavideo.com/?v=UAWK58J6[/url]
Some comments and feedback would be much apprieciated :)
Half way tho the movie I freaked out without any reason...
It were a nice movie overall really nice actually ^^
make some more movies, you got the skills :) but next time it could be cool with more actors :)
Hmm maybe some props too :P the part where you are at "war" it looks sorta wierd that you fire a "air gun"
Here's my play by play (went back and added stuff in when it finished)
The opener with the guy on the chair is somewhat under exposed, get some beefier light on that guy
If you'd had that opener before the lead credits it would've been a slightly better segway between footage
Although you have some nice use of available light in some shots others suffer from this; try and get your hands on an arri 650 and you can use it in almost any lighting situation with enough diffusion/neutral density
Higher quality audio recording for some vocal parts would've greatly increased production values
Slightly less shakey camera at times (you can even DIY up stabilisers nowadays) would've helped with some of the motion scenes
The lens flare in some shots is quite off-putting, always beware of what you can put between the camera and the sun, whether it's a building or someone's hand, to block lens flare
The writing is a tad weak at times, when explaining how he got into this situation you might have been better of leaving it slightly more ambiguous, as in terms of the film that is not really as important as the life he is living now (and in the end epilogue to overtly state that he is about to die is to use a shotgun to kill a fly)
The 'grimy' street corners found around 4:20 are quite bright and peaceful; good colour correction and location scouting could've helped
Reading festival was good but the band is getting a bit grimey, frame em before they fall apart
Your film stock that you used as an overlay doesn't fit well and cuts off on the borders, most obviously on the right side
Use of some wider establishing shots at the start of scenes would've better given the audience a sense of positioning and space; similarly, very tight close ups (especially in the dream sequences) could've offered an enhanced clarity and detail
Use of more creative camera positioning could've helped with the protagonist/help the homeless officer exchange; a much lower angle of the officer could've given a better sense of dominance in the scene and similarly a higher angle on the protagonist
The sequence at 8:30 works but the women would've needed to have shared similar colour correction to be part of the uhh dream sequence following former 'rules' you set up in the short film
The busking character needs better writing; he could be comic relief but instead is a bit dry where it looks like you tried to swear to make it have more impact
Yet again, another scene that could've done with an establishing shot, especially of people walking past
The voice over would've been slightly more personal if the busking character was still playing, perhaps with a low-pass filter put over the diegetic audio (ambience, busking character, etc.) to distance from it and focus on the VO
As nice as the ghosts soundtrack is, music that isn't specifically made to fit your video's pacing and emotion won't cut the mustard; even if it was remixed so its rhythmic peak/trough fitted your story's beats it would fit better; on top of this, some of the music is too.. musical to suit your feelings (the piano track during the ~13:00 epilogue is one example)
I do quite like the slow shift of visuals/colour correction to the dream like
Not to be rude, but you need some better actors; talent who've been through acting school can be had for expenses only (travel/lunch cost), and although you sometimes need to sort the wheat from the chaff you can find some gems
The entire film has something of a lack of contrast
Some of the stock footage used around the 12 minute mark could've been better composited
On the whole it had promise, but lack of stronger narrative direction, characterisation and production values brought down the final product.
Buy some of the Raindance producers/writers guide books, they're brilliant for sharpening up your abilities
Thats probably some of the most useful criticism if ever had and i can completely agree on pretty much everything you said.
Thanks alot!
[quote]The busking character needs better writing; he could be comic relief but instead is a bit dry where it looks like you tried to swear to make it have more impact[/quote]
The buskers dialogue involved little to no writing atall and was in fact all impro, perhaps that was a mistake on my part, i actually edited out about 5 more "fucks" and "shits" from 3 extra minutes of improvised dialogue.
[quote]Use of more creative camera positioning could've helped with the protagonist/help the homeless officer exchange; a much lower angle of the officer could've given a better sense of dominance in the scene and similarly a higher angle on the protagonist[/quote]
I actually did 2 takes from a low angle with the officer towering over him unfortunately my actor had a little trouble remembering his lines for the first half an hour of filming and those shots had to be scrapped.
[quote]As nice as the ghosts soundtrack is, music that isn't specifically made to fit your video's pacing and emotion won't cut the mustard; even if it was remixed so its rhythmic peak/trough fitted your story's beats it would fit better; on top of this, some of the music is too.. musical to suit your feelings (the piano track during the ~13:00 epilogue is one example)
[/quote]
In the first cut i used completely different music which was alot more fitting , however the music was copyright and i wanted to possibly enter this second cut into amateur film festivals, the ghost album was the only management free one i knew that fit.
(the first cut is here with alternate music if your interested: [url]http://www.vimeo.com/4373034[/url])
I doubt ill make another cut because its all getting a bit stale to be honest, but seriously, thanks alot for the advice and ill be sure to take the stuff youve said in mind the next short i make.
Do you make shorts yourself?
[QUOTE=Gez;17515439]
In the first cut i used completely different music which was alot more fitting , however the music was copyright and i wanted to possibly enter this second cut into amateur film festivals, the ghost album was the only management free one i knew that fit.
(the first cut is here with alternate music if your interested: [url]http://www.vimeo.com/4373034[/url])
[/QUOTE]
In that case I'd recommend making friends with anyone who's looking to go into/starting to study music production at uni; I've teamed up with a mate in a similar situation and we're always ready to bounce ideas; it's mutually beneficial, you get a soundtrack, they get experience
[QUOTE=Gez;17515439]
Do you make shorts yourself?[/QUOTE]
I'm a broadcast media technology student, my 'life' right now is being involved in making shorts of various kinds, motion graphics, compositing, (starting 3D this year), and of course regular film making
I even got attached to an independent feature film this summer as a Director of Photography, fun stuff
In the early days of starting to write my first non-student short, although now term's starting again and its my busiest yet, so will see how time flies
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