[url]http://vocaroo.com/i/s1d0IH5bp3Le[/url]
So I thought I'd kick this thread off because I recently found out I'm a schizophrenic and I'm still trying to comprehend what's going on. Facepunch is a big place and I bet there's a lot of people with the same situation as me that might want to talk about it and people who know schizoids. I've noticed that the thoughts in my head don't translate to the thoughts in my fingers. When I try to write things just come out like it's someone else typing pressing the keys. I'm only observant to my thoughts and actions but almost never in control. I might think I'm not in control and then I might just think I'm thinking I'm not in control when I'm actually in control. I feel lack of compassion, lack of empathy, totally nuked thoughts and ideas that aren't primed for vocalization. All that comes is a deep breath.
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My ears ring constantly, I live near the train tracks, I often imagine my head popping like a melon when squeezed between the rails and the train. It comforts me a little. Clutter is also something that gets my pistons going and I live in it. I pretend it's not there and the only thing that will calm me down is a few minutes staring into the green trees outside. I feel like I could stare at the sky for the rest of my life this wouldn't bother me, but people close to me. I recently started smoking to help me cope, that and drinking tons of coffee. Smoking a cigarette brings out calm strides. By starting smoking I mean I'll bum one off someone whenever I can and go on my way. It bugs me how people around me find silences difficult. I don't like to talk and I don't see why other people can't just sit there and enjoy the fresh air like I can. I could get a job digging ditches and I could find fulfillment in that. Another reason why I think I'm a schizoidphrenic.
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When you die, you keep living. You're dead to that universe and you enter another. So you could already be dead and not know it yet. I think I've died a couple times. I wonder how it happened. Everyone you've heard about dying or seen dead, are still living in their own cosmic cord. You can't kill consciousness. What's happening for someone else isn't happening to you. It's kind of strange but that's just how things are now. Tabula Rasa comes around every so often. Dying millions of times a second. sTop thinking about this I say out loud, think about something different but it never changes. always the same. always the same. It'll all come to a dim red end, red glow.
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Semper Fi Marines.
jesus dick I think that vocaroo file destroyed my sound card.
I suppose its nice to see there's some other people out there.
Dunno how good a thread like this will be.
When I was younger I started noticing things like presences talking to me from nowhere and seeing people watching me from afar. It kind of just got worse as I aged.
I used to take medication but it made me feel like I was dead inside. I'm not better without it, I'm not better with it either. I end up just abusing drugs and alcohol to change the thoughts into something else but nothing works. I just try to focus on artistic stuff, it's not really a fix but it's at least an outlet.
Maybe at least we can remind each other that despite what's been given to us there's always ways to cope with what's going on, you just gotta keep trying.
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