LIFE IS BEAUTIFUL! A Lolokaust Guide to Babycare in MS Paint

[lolokaust]

[quote=Jewdozer]If you are under the age of 18 please walk away from the screen and alert an adult, this is thread is mature content.

Peace and blessings extending to our comrades here at Facepunch like an excited penis. Special thanks going out to FP’s Hashmere, Nyaa and Bftony for drawing with us on this one and delivering top grade paints. Sadly I can’t be with you tonight but I’d like to thank my mom, my dad and my husband for the inspi… fuck that, I’d like to thank myself. I can’t be here because I’m banned.

This is the 14th MS Paint guide and we really want to know what you think of it before we web it up. Please tell us what you like and how it can be improved. Drop us a post before you move along.

Thank you, we hope you like it, kisses.[/quote]

[highlight][b]INTRODUCTION[/b][/highlight]

The worst thing a man can hear from his beloved is “Honey, sniff sniff, I’m pregnant, we are going to be having a beautiful baby!” She probably thinks getting herself pregnant is the best way to keep you to herself. Perforating the condoms with pins and secretly coming of the pill are classic methods of ruining your life but these days we have a secret weapon, THE ABORTION!

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/ripped_out.png[/img]

Diamonds might be a girl’s best friend but an abortion is a trusty stead in a moment of panic to restore a man’s life to balance and equilibrium. We are going to show you how to take care of unwanted babies.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/bannerfp.gif[/img]

Throw away your condoms and pump away comrades! The age of the abortion is upon us which means no longer do you have to sacrifice that wintastic feeling of barebacking her without a hat on. Bang her and fire as much protein shake up her snatch as you like, it doesn’t matter because you can make her have an abortion.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/pump_away.png[/img]

What if the dumb fuck wants to keep it? Well get ready guys, there’s going to be tears and screaming but you have to be strong and make her understand it’s all her fault. True, it takes two to make a baby and a good shot of baby batter from your creamstick, but it’s her responsibility to take the morning after pill to kill any life in inside her.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/your_fault.png[/img]

[highlight][b]THE METHODS[/b][/highlight]

So what are the ways of killing the unborn? Spin the wheel is the answer to that one, there’s so many to choose from. Some methods you can do together as a family and some need to be booked at the local butcher’s shop. Regardless of the method you choose, it can be a great night in or a fun day out. One method would be to just stab the cunt to death and get rid of them both.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/stab_cunt.png[/img]

[b]SUCTION ASPIRATION[/b]

Well this is pretty much a vacuum cleaner only 30 times more powerful. They stick a suction tube with a scraping tool on the end of it up her foof and press play. If they forget to numb her first, you can have a good wank to her screams as all the fragmented foetus and placenta fly up the tube.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/dialation_abortion.png[/img]

[b]DIALATION AND CURETTAGE[/b]

This is pretty much as above except the end of the sucker is a sharp slashing and cutting tool which hacks the unborn up so it exits more easily. One problem with this is it can cause damage to her box, resulting in a nasty infection and causing her to become a liability as opposed to a washing/fucking machine.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/dialation.png[/img]

[b]DIALATION AND EVACUATION[/b]

After about 12 weeks the fucking sprogg will start to grow so they need to call in Mr Scissors! A sharp pair of forceps is wedged up her to tear the baby’s limbs off so they can be pulled out. After the arms and legs are in the trash the head is crushed and pulled out. When all that crap is out of the way the torso and other gooey bits are ripped out. Looks like sushi.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/abortion_scissors.png[/img]

[b]PARTIAL BIRTH ABORTION[/b]

This ones great as it’s used when the baby is fully formed. Using forceps they drag the child out so that only its head is wedged up the trout’s mouth, the rest of the baby is dangling out of her whilst it’s still alive. Using a pair of scissors, (yes Mr fucking scissors again) a cut is made at the base of its skull. The brains are then sucked out causing instant death, allowing it to be removed in one piece.

[img]http://lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/partial_birth.png[/img]

[b]CHEMICALLY INDUCED[/b]

CONTRAPTIONS! CONTRAPTIONS! Yes filling her full of some kind of pharmaceutical wonder drug can cause the birth to start immediately. They say the contractions can be so violent that they decapitate the baby as it comes out. If it manages to survive that, there’s a good chance you’ll get to see it drop out of her fur burger and break dance on the doc’s operating table as it gasps its last breath. Now that’s a fucking show.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/chemical_abortion.png[/img]

[b]SMOKE, DRINK AND TAKE CLASS A DRUGS[/b]

That’s not hard as they are three things we all enjoy doing. Getting wrecked every night and filling one’s blood with toxins will poison the critter. Heroin, excessive alcohol and some Cuban Cohebas should do the trick.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/drug_abortion.png[/img]

[b]GOAL KICK[/b]

It’s the World Cup final and you have to take the penalty shot that could win the tournament and immortalise you and the team forever if only you kick the ball hard enough. Actually, it’s your pregnant fuckbuddy and you’ve got her tied to a tree with her legs open. You know what to do, take a good run up and swing that leg like your life depends on it. Splat!

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/goal_kick.png[/img]

[b]TOW ROPE[/b]

If your car gets stuck in deep mud then a tow rope is what you need. A pregnancy is very similar to a stuck car in the sense that you got to pull the cunt out. Loop the rope round the kid and as your driver hits the gas, jump on her guts. It’s head might get ripped off but at least its dead.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/car_abort.png[/img]

[b]COATHANGER[/b]

A homebirth classic, this is a simple method where you stick a sharp metal object up her minge and thrash it around till stuff starts dropping out. This is cheap, safe and painless.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/coathanger_baby.png[/img]

[b]SPADE[/b]

Who like gardening? Yes, me too. Lay the bitch out on the floor and dig the little bastard out through her stomach. After you’ve managed to dispose of the miniature, use the mother’s hollowed corpse as a grow bag for your tomatoes.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/spade_chest.png[/img]

[b]SNATCH AND GRAB[/b]

Keeping things simple can be the best way. Most girls like to be fingered and this is similar except your whole arm goes up her meat chute. Slide your hand up and push past any resistance. When you get about elbow deep you should be at the right place. Now grab as much as you can and pull your arm out. Your unborn should now be disposed of or made into a shake.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/snatch_grab.png[/img]

[b]PINCUSHION[/b]

If you put your hand on the mother’s stomach you might feel or even see the baby kicking, it’s an amazing feeling to think theres a life in there. Now you’ve located the child stick it with a collection of kitchen knives and kill it.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/stabbing_pregnant.png[/img]

[highlight][b]THE AFTERMATH[/b][/highlight]

After it’s all over you can look back and reminisce about your experience. A good idea would be to keep a reminder of your adventure and keep the dead baby. Get an airtight jar and fill it with formaldehyde, then put the baby in the jar for a nice mantelpiece feature or a great paperweight. Why not buy it a Christmas present every year like a new jar or play the home video of its execution on its birthday and watch it together as a family.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/foetus_jars.png[/img]

Don’t forget the grandparents. Take it round so they can see the grandchild they never had and remind them that their family line won’t continue, but will end in a glass jar. Smash the jar over one of their heads and make the other one eat the corpse. Show them the other ten jars of the other aborted children they’ll never see grow up and save their grief and misery for your wank bank.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/baby_jar.png[/img]

[highlight][b]COT DEATH[/b][/highlight]

Every man has his moments of weakness and you might be stupid enough to actually let her talk you into keeping it. Even if the creature’s room is decorated and occupied it’s still not too late to abort. There’s a few cheap, fun and quick ways to get the fucking thing dead.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/cot_death.png[/img]

You got to be a man of action and get your shit locked down quickly before anyone gets used to having ideas about keeping it, you got to kill it quick. Get a shoe in and stamp the bastard to death but just make sure you do the job properly so the docs on the ward don’t bring it back to life.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/stamp_baby.png[/img]

Camping and cooking round a fire is a great way to get in touch with nature and… yes, fuck that, just find a private enclosed location to spit roast it for about nine hours so it’s cooked through. Stuff and apple in its mouth and herb stuffing up it’s ass to maximise favour. Drink red wine and enjoy your miniature long pig before you celebrate with a nice fuck.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/bbq_baby.png[/img]

You’re flicking your bean and all you can hear is the fucking baby screaming its head off. The fact you haven’t fed it in three days might be the problem so you are going to have to take a break and shut it up. Baby food is specially formulated to give it all the goodness and nutrients to help it grow big and strong. Dog shit, broken glass and drain cleaner are the three main ingredients of good quality baby food so get it fed and carry on.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/feeding_time.png[/img]

After the baby is born you will suffer from stretch marks, saggy tits and a body so awful, a necrophile wouldn’t fuck you. Waste no time, tone up again. Boxers have the most ripped bodies of all sportsmen so take up the training regime of a boxer. Hang your newborn from a rafter like a punch bag and give it everything you’ve got until it’s reduced to a bloody rag. Bare knuckle training with rings on your fingers will reduce your baby to bits in no time at all.

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/baby_punch.png[/img]

[highlight][b]CONCLUSION[/b][/highlight]

Abortions are funny, sexy and a good excuse to watch some dude in a white coat fuck your girl with a vacuum cleaner and a toolkit. The DIY option allows you to enjoy a bit of mutilation, screaming and role play. This is a new age, an age where the consequences of our actions are no longer a worry, no longer a problem. Choose life, choose an abortion!

[img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/conclusion.png[/img]

[url=http://lolokaust.com/guides/abortion%20guide/abortion.flv][img]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/swinger.gif[/img][/url]

[b]
Project director:
Jewdozer

Text:
Jewdozer

Art:
Ajaa
Bftony
Cumbutcher
Hashmere
Homodozer
Jewdozer
JonEvil
Nyaa
Smilecythe[/b]

[highlight](User was permabanned for this post ("Alt of a permabanned user" - rilez))[/highlight]

[Detlef]

im disturbed as always

[Vintage Thatguy]

I love your art. <3

[Saphirx]

What the fuck?

[Zakk]

I couldn't read this.
I'm weak :smith:

[Devil Traitor]

Why am I laughing at this?

[wewt!]

How have you been Jewdozer? :v:

Edit: hey, my sister drew three of these!

[Boobie]

What the fuck. Words cannot describe.

Edit: But i did find it to be quite humorous.

[JoeyZ]

I never know what to make of these threads

[tutsypie]

[QUOTE=wewt!;29723922]How have you been Jewdozer? :v:

Edit: hey, my sister drew three of these![/QUOTE]

Kissy kissy kissy kissy!
I got use of a comrades account for tonight but I'm having to use a different web connection to get on, FP bans seem to work on ip's.
Good to see you on here, your sister did draw on this one, she is awesome. You should do us a doodle sometime.

[MenteR]

[img_thumb]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/ripped_out.png[/img_thumb]

do you have a model for this or something or do you just make it from scratch?

[Nyaa]

LoL I'm proud of us. :3

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

[QUOTE=MenteR;29724312][img_thumb]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/ripped_out.png[/img_thumb]

do you have a model for this or something or do you just make it from scratch?[/QUOTE]
I think Jewdozer uses a model for almost everything she draws.

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

[QUOTE=tutsypie;29724295]Kissy kissy kissy kissy!
I got use of a comrades account for tonight but I'm having to use a different web connection to get on, FP bans seem to work on ip's.
Good to see you on here, your sister did draw on this one, she is awesome. You should do us a doodle sometime.[/QUOTE]
OHHAI; :D <3

[tutsypie]

[QUOTE=Vintage Thatguy;29723511]I love your art. <3[/QUOTE]

We love you too honey.

[QUOTE=ZakkShock;29723726]I couldn't read this.
I'm weak :smith:[/QUOTE]
Then you will have 15 children running round you and they will put you in a home and take your house off you. Arm yourself now!

[QUOTE=Devil Traitor;29723907]Why am I laughing at this?[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Boobie;29724001]What the fuck. Words cannot describe.

Edit: But i did find it to be quite humorous.[/QUOTE]
Mission accomplished

[QUOTE=JoeyZ;29724116]I never know what to make of these threads[/QUOTE]
Information resourse, use them.

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

[QUOTE=Nyaa;29724351]LoL I'm proud of us. :3

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

I think Jewdozer uses a model for almost everything she draws.

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

OHHAI; :D <3[/QUOTE]
The sweety of FP enters the thread!

[MenteR]

by the way, this was a pretty funny one. i wonder if you'll return to draw the comics though? those were awesome, hahaha.

[Doomish]

Thread music?

[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5OUP_Z3iZPs&feature=related[/media]

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

To be honest I just searched up Life is Beautiful on Youtube and picked the least-threatening sounding one I could find. Also, Deadly Premonition was an okay game.

[tutsypie]

[QUOTE=MenteR;29724312][img_thumb]http://www.lolokaust.com/pics/abortion/ripped_out.png[/img_thumb]

do you have a model for this or something or do you just make it from scratch?[/QUOTE]

Theres about 3 ref pics there. The detailed nudes I like to get models for. Theres a few people who have posed for us including one of the finest mods on FP.

[wewt!]

[QUOTE=tutsypie;29724295]Kissy kissy kissy kissy!
I got use of a comrades account for tonight but I'm having to use a different web connection to get on, FP bans seem to work on ip's.
Good to see you on here, your sister did draw on this one, she is awesome. You should do us a doodle sometime.[/QUOTE]

This thread has a very homey feel

[tutsypie]

[QUOTE=MenteR;29724472]by the way, this was a pretty funny one. i wonder if you'll return to draw the comics though? those were awesome, hahaha.[/QUOTE]

We sometimes dump one on fagart.org but I'm not really into the comics now.

[Nyaa]

Jew, you know that's you in the last pic right? :3

[Hashmere]

Always a pleasure, miss Dozer.

[MenteR]

[img]http://www.electricretard.com/comics/birthday_present_01.png[/img]
[img]http://www.electricretard.com/comics/birthday_present_02.png[/img]
[img]http://www.electricretard.com/comics/birthday_present_03.png[/img]
[img]http://www.electricretard.com/comics/birthday_present_04.png[/img]
[img]http://www.electricretard.com/comics/birthday_present_05.png[/img]

this used to be awesome. what happened to it?

[editline]9th May 2011[/editline]

i mean where else will we see a monster truck named "MEGA FUCKER"

[Missing User]

That's pretty sick.

[Goodthief]

:wtc:

[ChefOfPain]

:byodood:

[Alec W]

i'm addicted

[nox]

My mind is full of fuck.

[noise]

:flashfap:

[D2K5S1]

Amazing. I love your guides. :love:

[tutsypie]

Anyone watch the video link attached to the swinging baby?

[Cyteless]

I also love gardening.