I've been writing a story for over a year now, here is a bit of chapter one (I have many more chapters and pages already written). Let me know what you think.
“We are going to lose her, Friedrich!” A fat grey serpent called to a man from his shoulder. “Hurry up!”
Friedrich was lofty and exceptionally bony, he wore an intriguing mask, but that wasn’t the most noticeable thing about him, he was carrying a girl, or rather running with one. She shivered with the sweat of fever and her eyes rolled back into her head. She convulsed but her arms dangled limp. The girl’s lips were cracked. Her long blue-black hair hung matted and tangled into knots, much like a rat’s nest. The girl was clothed in a shabby, white dress. Her skin drained of color, made her look transparent and ghostly.
“Alphonse, run ahead.” Friedrich said to the man gliding next to him.
Alphonse nodded his head in acknowledgement. His pace quickened with each step and was soon inside the building looming ahead of them. Friedrich struggled to keep up.
It was a hospital, of sorts, most of the walls were missing and some were only half there. The bricks had been blown away by a long departed source, natural or man-made. The ceiling was vaulted and had large, gaping holes in some places. Beams were put into place to assist the falling roof. Surprisingly, the grand, glass mosaic windows were still intact. They depicted not scenes of Holy Gods or heroic conquests but rather outstanding, colorful Rorschach images. Standing tall, the immense, wooden door stood agape, inviting in the rushed travelers. The air inside was thick with moisture and clouded with sour odor. Hospitals had been long abandoned. Bishops dubbed them unclean, too much death to purify with any amount of holy water. Over the few months there had been more death then there had ever been in years.
“Friedrich! Over here! There’s space here!” Alphonse called out after he got closer to him. “Quickly!”
Alphonse had pushed a cot next to a metal table and a chair in the corner of the large room. He then made a dash to the door as Friedrich passed through. Groaning, Alphonse presses his shoulder to the door, forcing it closed. The door slammed pushing dust into the air.
Friedrich rushed over to the bed and placed the girl down on the cot. Her body twitched and moved with its newfound space, looking like a rag doll. Friedrich produced a small bottle from his pocket and popped the cork. The snake, still clinging onto Friedrich, slithered onto the floor, not wanting to be in the way.
“Al, she’s moving too much, please restrain her. Gently, please.”
Alphonse ran over to the slender man and girl. He tightly held her wrists with one of his large hands and used his forearm to put his weight on her legs. Friedrich tilted the girl’s head back and poured the liquid in past her bleeding lips with one swift motion. She began choking, some of the medicine dripped from her mouth.
“Easy now, Miss. Don’t hurt yourself, you’ve made it this far,” he said.
Friedrich massaged her throat and tilted her head back slightly more. The liquid slid down.
“She’s still moving around Friedrich!” Alphonse was struggling to hold the small girl down.
“It’ll be a few more seconds.”
The girl stopped moving and breathing. Friedrich put two fingers on her neck to check her pulse.
“Something is very wrong, Alphonse.” Friedrich stared his comrade in the eyes. “I don’t know if I have everything I need. Go see if you can find something I can use, Al.”
Alphonse nodded and let go of the girl. While he went and looked, Friedrich wildly threw everything out of his pockets. Pills flew from their bottles, and liquid containers landed on the table with a hard metallic clink. He sorted through mounds of pills and assortments of syrups until at last he found the blue bottle he was looking for.
Outside it began to sprinkle, rising into a loud crescendo of water droplets pounding on to the thin glass windows. A bit of thunder clashed in the far distance, casting long shadows about the hospital.
“Are you coming Al? Hurry up!” Friedrich threw his arms up and rolled his eyes. His shiny, black, heeled shoe tapped impatiently on the floor.
Alphonse ran over and handed him his findings.
“Thank you.” Friedrich sighed.
Friedrich filled the found syringe with the blue bottle’s contents and injected it into the girl. He checked her pulse as her muscles relaxed. The girl had finally come to.
“Good. See? Everything is okay, Miss.” A minute smile pulled on the corner of his lips under the sharp beak of his mask.
“I will go keep watch. Make sure she is okay. I do not want anything to happen to this one, not again” said the snake as she slithered off. “Alphonse, come with me.”
Alphonse shrugged at Friedrich, turned, and followed in silence.
Friedrich stayed with the girl and held onto her hand, it was cold, despite her warm pink cheeks. He pulled the chair closer to the cot and positioned his self down into it. He rubbed his thumb reassuringly over her tiny hand. The girl stared at Friedrich, her brown eyes full of questions. The drumming of the rain washed out the drumming of his clouded mind, the light smell in the air helped him to breathe more steadily.
As the girl’s eyes grew weary, she took a look around. There was so much to take in, where was she? Who are these people? There were two men, one extremely tall and the other of average height who now sat by the opening in the wall. [i]The tall one must be a doctor, the one they’ve been calling Friedrich.[/i] The man was smartly dressed; his face hidden by the mask born during the Black Death, his unkempt straw colored hair peeked out the top. She watched his hands, long and bony like the rest of him. They were tender and careful as they held her hand. She could feel his warm concern. The man stared at the floor constantly, though he seemed confident in his practice. The voice behind the bird mask was light but had a distinct harsh German accent to it.
The other man had a sturdy build, his physique showed beneath his dark robes. His skin was a tanned olive. His hair, the color of wet earth, was proudly pulled back in a long braid that hung down his front. The man called Alphonse had a face that seemed like it was stuck in a permanent grimace, but his eyes gleamed much like that of a young child’s. He was much younger than Friedrich, looking barely old enough to drink. He wore no shoes, his feet wrapped in a white cloth, leaving his heal and toes exposed. Alphonse was probably one of the old guardsmen. He wore a deep plumb, almost black, the color of the Old King. His voice was hardy, and also, had a clear German accent.
She could hear the man conversing outside. A woman’s voice chimed in.
[i]“Did you make sure the building was secure? We do not want another accident.”[/i]
[i]“Yes…but, Ethelinda that girl is our last chance”[/i]
[i] “Yes, but she will live long enough for us to use her. It just takes once.”[/i]
[i]“But you heard Friedrich! She’s near death! She probably won’t survive for ‘just once’.”[/i]
The girl heard no more, as Friedrich’s voice cut in.
“Hello Miss. How are you feeling? Any better?”
“…” She was too frightened to speak.
“Enjoy the wellness now. It won’t last for much longer. I’m sorry for that Miss.”
“…”
“I’ll be here the whole time, you don’t have to worry.” Friedrich gave her hand a little pat. “I promise you won’t wake alone. You should sleep, alright? Try please.”
Friedrich slumped in the chair, posed for a nap. The girl tried to smile and closed her eyes. She could feel his hand grasping hers and let her muscles relax.
The rain still pounded on the windows and roof, the storm brewed closer but not a single soul minded as they knew it would cover their tracks.
[adding part two of chapter one]
“Ethelinda!” Friedrich whispered. “Ethelinda!”
The snake raised her head and looked over at Friedrich, she motioned him to come. Reluctantly Friedrich let go of the girl’s hand, glanced at her face, then looked back at his feet. As he walked over to Ethelinda he flexed his hands trying to stretch out the tightness. His palms felt cold and clammy.
Alphonse sat on a large pile of bricks with his eyes closed, Ethelinda coiled on his shoulders. She looked up at Friedrich with hypnotizing scarlet eyes.
“What is it Friedrich?”
“I don’t think I can save her. She’s very ill, and… It’s unbelievable that she’s alive now.” Friedrich’s shoulders slumped and he looked away.
“She is an incredibly extraordinary individual, she will not die as easily as most humans you have practiced on,” Ethelinda hissed.
“She’s so pale. It almost seems like Death will come to take her any minute.”
“Friedrich you worry too often. Do not think about anything other than the present, the past and future cannot be helped. Now go sit with the girl, she enjoys your comfort.”
Friedrich nodded and hurried back to the girl. She was still sleeping calmly on the cot. She lay on her side with her knees tucked to her chest, her hands cradling her face. He sat down in the broken chair and placed a hand upon her shoulder. Friedrich watched the girl closely, admiring her round nose and pale pink skin, her cheeks rosy and plump. He sighed and decided to rest his eyes.
Occasionally a train rumbled by. Friedrich would jump from his chair, realize it was only the train again, and fall back asleep. The building would shake, the windows rattled in their panes and dust shook loose from the rafters, leaving the floor more caked. Alphonse would sneeze off in the distance somewhere and the sounds of bare feet hitting tile would resume.
The rain still sprinkled outside from the night before. Birds conversed from treetops singing to their children and lovers. The chicks would call out loudly for their mother, whom would fly swiftly to check on the ruckus.
It was hours before the girl began to move. Her eyes opened wide and she began flailing about. She moaned and groped the bed sheets. Friedrich started awake and jumped up, looking on with wide eyes. The doctor opened the cupboard next to the cot searching for anything. One door hung off and miscellaneous pills lay about. He opened the other door and pulled out a smallish bottle filled with thick viscous liquid. Without any time to spare he decided this would have to do.
“This one will hurt Miss. Please don’t struggle.” Friedrich glanced to her face, cringed, and looked back down at his feet.
He pulled a syringe out of the sterile package Alphonse had found, and collected the green fluid from the bottle into it. Friedrich rolled up his sleeves, revealing arms, covered in various scars crisscrossing in all directions. He saw the girl’s shocked look and felt a cringe of guilt.
“I’m sorry Miss. I hope I didn’t alarm you. Practice doesn’t always make perfect.”
With that he lightly grabbed her arm below the elbow and stuck the needle in to her medial cubital vein.
“Brace yourself Miss.” With that he injected the fluid.
The girl jerked around with more force and began screaming. Friedrich looked at her face and he felt the guilt sweep over him again. His eyes froze and his palms went sweaty.
“It’s alright Miss! Please! It will be over in a few seconds, you’ll be asleep soon. Don’t hurt yourself!” Friedrich shivered and went pale. His voice shook as if he were crying.
Alphonse turned around and got up from the pile of bricks he sat on.
“Friedrich, turn around. I’m coming, let me handle it.” He sprinted over to Friedrich and the girl.
“It’s okay Alphonse, I’ve got it,” Friedrich whimpered and tried to attend to the girl, lightly pushing away Alphonse’s arms.
“Friedrich go sit down over by Ethelinda”
Friedrich didn’t budge.
“Friedrich, now.”
He continued look down at his feet motionless.
“Do you really want me to have to do this?”
Alphonse walked nearer to Friedrich, swept one arm under his knees and the other under his arm. Friedrich held on with his arm around Alphonse’s neck, barely aware of what was going on. Alphonse carried him to the other side of the room by Ethelinda. He kicked a cot out of view of the girl and laid Friedrich down on it. Friedrich had already closed his eyes.
“Ethelinda, make him take some of his anxiety medicine, and keep him calm,” Alphonse ordered.
“Alright, but you go take care of that girl. Shackle her down now before Friedrich gets back up. And stop her screaming! The whole damn kingdom probably knows where we are right now.”
Alphonse walked back over to the seizing girl. She was lashing about quite wildly. He looked under the cot and found some leather straps. They were worn, but he figured they’d hold down a young girl. Alphonse buckled her wrists to the bed and then did the same to her legs. She stopped moving but continued moaning.
“Friedrich! What can I give her to make her be quiet?” Alphonse yelled.
Friedrich sighed and put a hand into his left pocket. He pulled out a bottle of pills and squinted at the assortment before pulling out a large yellow one. Feebly, he lifted one arm in the air and waved it back and forth.
“Stop being a baby.” Alphonse rolled his eyes, plodded over, and snatched the pill from his hand.
“Crush it up. Put it in some water.” Friedrich moaned. “It won’t take as a solid.”
“Where should I intend to get any water from Friedrich? I doubt the taps are working,” Alphonse huffed.
Friedrich sat up and clomped over to the sink in the corner. Above the sink was another cupboard, only this one had both its doors. He opened both and pulled out a sizeable cup, a piece was chipped off the top and it was somewhat unclean. [i]It would have to do.[/i] Friedrich looked at Alphonse and held his gaze, then with a turn of his hand, he twisted the faucet on and water trickled out. He mocked Alphonse, indicating the water streaming from the faucet. Friedrich smirked, filled the cup, walked back over to Alphonse, and dropped it into his hands.
“Thanks” Alphonse said dryly.
“Mmhmpf!” Friedrich taunted as he flopped down onto his cot.
Alphonse used the ball of the palm of his hand to crush the pill and added it to the water. He swirled the glass until they were mixed properly. Walking back over to the girl, he thought, it would be easier and less embarrassing if he gave it to her in pill form. How was he supposed to get the girl to drink it? Asking Friedrich was out of the question, and Ethelinda would be no help either. He looked at her and wondered why teenage girls had to be so difficult.
“Hey.” Alphonse looked at the girl, but she paid no attention. “Hey… girl?”
The girl said nothing back.
“Hey, I need you to take this.”
Nothing but screaming.
“Please will you take this?”
Alphonse sighed loudly through his nose. He covered the girl’s mouth with his large hand.
“Girl, can you please drink this?”
The girl nodded.
Alphonse released her mouth and helped her to sit up. He placed the edge of the glass on her lips; slowly tipping it into her mouth. She made a face as she drank. Alphonse waited with a hand on his hip.
When the glass was empty, Alphonse walked away without another word. He rinsed the cup in the sink, left it there and went towards the door. Ethelinda waited for him there.
“You have not been around children much Alphonse, have you?” Ethelinda cackled.
Alphonse hung his head and stared at his feet much like Friedrich. His face had gone red. With a groan, he went and sat outside in the light rain.
Well generally the writing isn't all that bad, so I'll be picking on you with my crit, since I'm sure you can take it on board just fine. I'll just do the first bit though.
Before I start, the first thing I notice is your paragraphing. Paragraphs are simple - hit enter, then put three spaces, then start typing again. Also, every new instance of dialogue from a party other than the one speaking in the current sentence gets a new paragraph, not just a new line. Example:
[i]Jamie smiled. "We don't have long left. Are you going to say it, or shall I tell her for you?"
"Please don't - I'm having enough trouble admitting it to myself." Saskia knuckled her right eye wearily. [b]***This action is on the same line as this piece of dialogue because it was Saskia speaking.***[/b]
"Well, I'll give you as much time as you need, but your watch won't be waiting."
A resigned sigh escaped Saskia's parted lips as she lifted her head to study her lover's face. [b]***This action on a new line because the previous piece of dialogue was Jamie speaking, obviously. Learning correct paragraphing is important for situations like this, because it means you don't have to use names/actions/identifiers for each consecutive thing that is said - merely using a new paragraph for the next spoken sentence lets the reader know that the other party is speaking.***[/b][/i]
Individual case critique:
[i]A fat grey serpent called to a man from his shoulder.[/i] - Firstly, I'm sure you can do better than "fat". Secondly, serpent is a good word but a bit ambiguous when it comes to fictional reptiles. "Serpent" can cover a lot of things, so if you're introducing a snake, it's probably better to use the word snake first time off. That way the reader banks it in their head, and otherwise vague words can be used thereafter, since the reader will know what you mean. Thirdly, calling to someone implies at least the amount of distance that requires you to speak louder than usual to get their attention. One character calling to another from a spot beside their ear doesn't quite ring true.
[i]Friedrich was lofty[/i] - "Lofty" isn't a great word to substitute for a synonym for "Tall" - not for a person in any case. Usually lofty is used in description of something that is entirely away from ground level; e.g a lofty peak, a lofty turret, even a lofty brow, but you wouldn't say that an entire house is lofty. Houses must have ground floors, and people have legs and feet, hence finding a way to say that they're [b]big[/b] is much more appropriate.
[i]Friedrich was lofty and exceptionally bony, he wore an intriguing mask, but that wasn’t the most noticeable thing about him, he was carrying a girl, or rather running with one.[/i] - This whole sentence is uncomfortable to read. The rule of thumb is two commas in a sentence. There no issue with bending that where it works, but the way you have it is very staggering, read it aloud and you should see why. If broken into two sentences, it could improved. The first could go like so (subbing Tall in for lofty, just as placeholder): [i]Friedrich was a tall and exceptionally bony man, his nose and eyes concealed beneath an intriguing mask. {A description of this mask should really be there to finish the sentence off rather than just "intriguing". This would also allow for a second comma to be used, to make it an ideal three-part sentence.}[/i] The second part of your original sentence ought to be changed or dispensed with altogether due to how awkward it is in itself. An easier way to introduce his action/situation could go something like: [i]Friedrich breathed steadily, despite carrying the girl at speed for {a distance or time}. He was a tall and exceptionally...[/i] and so on. Rearrange your paragraphs to make them flow as well as they can while getting your intended details across.
[i]She convulsed but her arms dangled limp.[/i] - I noticed a lot of these - sentences that are read too fast and then abruptly stop, jarring the reader. For shorties like this, stick a comma in so it reads at correct pace. (Rather than "For shorties like this stick a comma in so it reads at correct pace.") So: [i] She convulsed, but her arms rolled and dangled limp by her sides.[/i] A bit of artistic license, but you get the idea.
[i]he was carrying [b]a girl[/b], or rather running with one. [b]She[/b] shivered with the sweat of fever and her eyes rolled back into her head. [b]She[/b] convulsed but her arms dangled limp. [b]The girl’s[/b] lips were cracked.[/i] - Here you've broken two rules, firstly repetition of term. You have two short sentences in a row starting with She. Secondly, you've used unnecessary re-introduction of the subject of your description. By saying "he was carrying a girl," followed by "She shivered with the sweat of fever..." you have established who you're talking about. Having a consecutive sentence "The girl's lips were cracked." is redundant and reads badly in the context of the paragraph. Here's a quick fix for both of these problems: [i]...he was carrying a girl (...). She shivered, slick with the sweat of high fever. Her eyes rolled back into her head as she convulsed, her arms dangling limp by her sides. Blood seeped from her cracked lips[/i]
[i]Her skin drained of color, made her look transparent and ghostly.[/i]
[i]His pace quickened with each step and was soon inside the building looming ahead of them.[/i]- You can see what's wrong here. Just a lack of proofreading. Make sure you read everything you write, say the next day or the next week. You'll spot mistakes far easier, and revisions/improvements will come freely to you if you look at it freshly.
[i]It was a hospital, of sorts, most of the walls were missing and some were only half there.[/i] - Apart from the inherent awkwardness of this description, it reads like verbal diarrhea. Again, read back what you write. In this case, removing the first comma and subbing a full stop for the second should do the trick.
[i]The bricks had been blown away by a long departed source, natural or man-made.[/i] - Having "natural or man-made" at the end of this sentence reads pretty weird, as though it's used in the wrong context.
[i]The ceiling was vaulted and had [b]large, gaping[/b] holes in some places.[/i] - Doubling up on somewhat synonymous adjectives. Suggest - [i]The vaulted ceiling had caved in in places to leave gaping, ragged openings.[/i]
[i]Beams were put into place to assist the falling roof.[/i] - This also reads oddly. Assist is certainly the wrong word, and "put" and "falling" have tense issues as used here. Perhaps - [i]Support beams had been wedged in place to prevent the roof's collapse.[/i]
[i]Surprisingly, the grand, glass mosaic windows were still intact.[/i] - A description fired off after a single word sentence preface reads badly. The correct way to place the comma will 9/10 times be after Surprisingly(sic), so it would be best to adjust the rest of the sentence. If you don't know what I mean, just read this aloud; [i]"Surprisingly, the grand, ..."[/i] Notice how strange it was to pause again so soon after the first comma?
[i]They depicted not scenes of Holy Gods or heroic conquests but rather outstanding, colorful Rorschach images.[/i] - Capitals for both holy and gods is very stiff and 1900s. Aside from that, a tick in your writing is use of more casual prose than what honestly works outside of dialogue. Remember that you have to temper the way the reader interprets each line. You have to carefully control where they pause so it all feels natural and they lull into your world and your story. If even one sentence in a few pages is written carelessly, it can jar the reader back to sitting reading a book by some other person who made a mistake, like spotting an unsightly smudge on a painting or something.
[i]Standing tall, the immense, wooden door stood agape, inviting in the rushed travelers.[/i] - Once again, read aloud: [i]Standing tall, the immense, ...[/i] That second comma shouldn't be there, it breaks the flow of the sentence.
[i]Over the few months there had been more death then there had ever been in years.[/i] - This is pretty confusing. Over which few months? Due to what? I can guess, but I had to read the sentence like three times to make sense of it at all, which is never a good thing. Also be careful of using Then instead of Than.
I guess that's enough for now. I think if you take all that in, you should be able to revise the entire thing and spot what needs to be polished up easily yourself. And I do hope you revise this and post more of it, because I'm sure I would enjoy reading this story if were written without the snags here and there.
Thank you so much for that, I will definitely use your advice. It really means a lot to me.
Anytime
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