[img]http://www.kandle.ie/wp-content/uploads/2008/09/cross.jpg[/img]
Hello all you children of God. We are gathered here today in the Church of Facepunch to hear the Word of the Lord, and the Word of the Lord will be preached indeed. I would like to start off by saying I am not here as a troll, but as a registered user who can't help but feel the need to start this church in order to reform your lives.
It's high time for our God to come down and seek judgement on us all, and we need to be ready for it. To all the atheists, think about this; What's there to lose by following God, other than your Sunday mornings? ..What's that, you don't have time to spare on Sunday mornings? Well if I can't bring you to church, I can bring church to you. And since you're already here, I would like to welcome you.
The Church of Facepunch will be gathered every Sunday, but I give this sermon today as I have missed this last Sunday. Everyone take a seat, and bow your heads, for we are about to open in prayer.
[highlight]Dear Lord,
the Savior of us all. We open our hearts to You, so that You may come into us to dwell and make us pure. May we not be distracted or hindered by Satan and his demons, and let us stay strong as long as You are with us. Oh Lord, fill this church with Your love and glory, and may we gather together under one name, our God Most High. We just want to thank you for our lives and the riches we have, and may this Church of Facepunch inspire us all to live our lives by Your Word. Purify us, Lord God, wash us clean. As I speak to the the church today, let their eyes be opened to Your truth.
in Jesus' name we pray,
Amen.[/highlight]
If you guys have Bibles, please turn with me to Deuteronomy 22:28. For those of you that aren't quite familiar with the order of the books of the Bible, it's the fifth book of the Old Testament.
I would like to speak to you all today about a very controversial subject: Rape. Deuteronomy 22:28 says, [i]If a man find a damsel that is a virgin, which is not betrothed, and lay hold on her, and lie with her, and they be found;[/i] and continue to the next verse, [i]Then the man that lay with her shall give unto the damsel's father fifty shekels of silver, and she shall be his wife; because he hath humbled her, he may not put her away all his days.[/i]
This passage cannot be more clear, and it is one many women seem to ignore, and they shall burn in Hell for it! A rape victim [b]must[/b] marry her rapist, and the rape victim's father must be compensated for depreciation of his property. I have to admit that, before I got saved, I did not like this passage one bit. To the unsaved mind, rape seems to be a horrible crime, and it seems excessively cruel to force a rape victim to marry her rapist.
[b]I thank the Good Lord every day that I am saved now. Now that I am saved, I can understand God's word. [/b]Because of what the Bible teaches us through the Old and New Testaments about the role of women, I understand that the woman's feelings are simply unimportant in this matter. It is the [i]father[/i] who now has damaged goods on his hands, a humbled daughter who cannot fetch a proper dowry.
Even to this day, even right now at this very minute, I can still hear Satan whispering to me inside my head, trying to trick me into rejecting the Word of God [highlight]-- but what did she do to deserve this? she has experienced one of the worst things imaginable, and now she has to submit to this man for the rest of her life? How is this justice? He should have his nuts hacked off with a dull blade instead -- [/highlight]but I am not fooled. I can always recognize the voice of Satan, because he always tries to get me to ignore scripture and follow my own sinful mind.
If I sing hymns in a loud voice for long enough, the Devil usually gives up for a while. If Satan is speaking to you now, join me in this hymn.
[media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_ZoRuOiFgA[/media]
[i]God is so good
God is so good
God is so good
He's so good
to
me[/i]
For the women in our church, I would like you all to sing "Hallelujah" after the men sing each line.
[i]God is so good (Hallelujah!)
God is so good (Hallelujah!)
God is so good
He's so good
to
me[/i]
Hallelujah! Praise the Lord. I'm glad you all came to the Church of Facepunch today, and there are many more sermons to come. Thank you all for giving God a chance, as he has given us all the chance of life. Before we go, let us close with the Lord's prayer.
[highlight]Our Father, who art in heaven,
hallowed be thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
thy will be done,
on earth as it is in heaven
Give us this day our daily bread.
And forgive us our trespasses,
as we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.
For thine is the kingdom,
the power and the glory,
for ever and ever.
Amen[/highlight]
[highlight](User was banned for this post ("Dumb thread" - Greeman))[/highlight]
You left the name Jesus in the prayer.
[editline]10:16PM[/editline]
Wait why would you use a christian bible thats dumb???
So it's like Christianity but more stupid?
Best thread right here
[QUOTE=Aaronn;20525669]Best thread right here[/QUOTE]
How are you posting you're three.
Your mom is still on the island she's crazyy
Priest in the church of Facepunch
[img]http://i40.tinypic.com/1y4pkg.jpg[/img]
Church of postal or church of Dav0r. When was that?
praaiseee the laawd
[img]http://media.giantbomb.com/uploads/1/10057/505145-garry_newman_1__large.jpg[/img]
There is no Church of Facepunch, mostly everyone here is atheist.
I dunno bout this..........
I'm not quite sure I understand what the point of this is except to attempt to get people to believe in a watered down version of Christianity.
[QUOTE=nicatronTg;20525858]I'm not quite sure I understand what the point of this is except to attempt to get people to believe in a watered down version of Christianity.[/QUOTE]
I don't want to insult your intelligence or anything as I have all the love of the Lord for you, but the point of this is very clear. I want God to change your lives. It was stated in the sermon.
Father, could you define virginity for me?
i thought this thread was about worshipping facepunch
no god isnt real duh u looser christain hurrdurff
You don't got no pancake mix!
There is only 1 true religion, Probism.
[b]Hail[/b] [img]http://filesmelt.com/dl/probe.png[/img]
What dominion is Church of facepunch under?
Are we saved by works or faith?
[QUOTE=Craptasket;20526110]What dominion is Church of facepunch under?
Are we saved by works or faith?[/QUOTE]
Hezzy.
[QUOTE=Droid;20525882]I don't want to insult your intelligence or anything as I have all the love of the Lord for you, but the point of this is very clear. I want God to change your lives. It was stated in the sermon.[/QUOTE]
Ah, I thank you for the offer, and I will take it into consideration. I'm not really sure what to consider here, but I'll give it a go.
What customs do we practice? (water baptisms, oil on head, confessions)
How about we start an Esoteric Order devoted to the inhabitants of Ry'leh?
[QUOTE=Drasnus;20526144]How about we start an Esoteric Order devoted to the inhabitants of Ry'leh?[/QUOTE]
A brilliant plan. We'll just need certain support from certain areas.
And women.
i'm a saint
i'll be a minister
i am in irl
[QUOTE=Craptasket;20526110]What dominion is Church of facepunch under?
Are we saved by works or faith?[/QUOTE]
Our denomination is Protestant. We are saved by faith.
[QUOTE=Craptasket;20526130]What customs do we practice? (water baptisms, oil on head, confessions)[/QUOTE]
We do practice water baptisms and oil on the forehead. However; You don't need to confess to me or anybody else but our Lord God. The Catholics are all damned to Hell because of their faith in their priests. Why confess to a man when he can do nothing for you? Confess to your God. Half these priests end up fooling around with the kids of their congregation, I don't see how anyone can trust them. Nevertheless, I do love them, and I pray everyday for them to change their ways.
Christianity is the answer.
is the OIFY hell?
[QUOTE=IamTehKings;20526382]is the OIFY hell?[/QUOTE]
It doubles as a whorehouse, too!
[QUOTE=IamTehKings;20526382]is the OIFY hell?[/QUOTE]
It's one of the places I'd rather you stay away from, but in the end everything is up to you. I can only hope for the best and pray that you stay away from the works of Satan.
[QUOTE=Droid;20526407]It's one of the places I'd rather you stay away from, but in the end everything is up to you. I can only hope for the best and pray that you stay away from the works of [B]Firerain[/B].[/QUOTE]
Know the real monster, you fool!
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