Placed in quote tags for no reason, just made this.
[quote=The Escapist]Have you ever wondered where the chests and dungeons came from?
Well I will tell you.
Long before the nether was created, and before the monsters came out in the night, there was a single man. He would survive the onslaughts of the monsters, but he longed to escape this single island floating over the void. But the creator, Notch, said "There is only one rule for your island you live on, you may not leave, or you will face a terrible fate."
But he did not care. He would toil day and night to make a bridge off of the island, but when he did, he already started facing a terrible fate. when he stepped foot in the new land, a creeper looked at him, creepers, at the time, were loving creatures. But when he looked, the creepers eyes, big and bold, fell out, the creeper started to scream, only to make a single hiss, it bled and flew forward, exploding.
Wounded, he walked into a cave, and made a cage, placing a singe creature inside, he did not manage to make ones for giants, ghasts, creepers, or pigmen, but he didn't care. He built a square box around him. Placing chests with items for those who may come later. He tried to survive, before succumbing to the darkness. He became a strange thing. His eyes turning white. The creator named him Herobrine.
He would go by "Him" and watch the next human to be created, this human would face the same fate as Herobrine did. Herobrine, however, realized, after a long time, that the human had never faced a ghast or pigman, and promptly created the Nether, becoming its ruler.
He sealed himself in. Swearing that he would return when it was reopened. When the human reopened it, "He" came back, and began his old duty of watching, but the land was changed, the human had survived for years. Herobrine began to build more of the cages, calling them, mob spawners. And putting them in the square cobble boxes once again, while some would grow mossy he would stock chests with items for the human to use, swearing to kill the human when the time was right. [/quote]
You, don't, have, to, use, commas everywhere.
This is nowhere near creepypasta either, it has some potential but you really need to flush it out and rewrite it a couple of times, because right now its reading as if it were a fat kid with asthma reading it.
Have you ever asked yourself "who created the dungeons and why there are chests inside"?
<Give the readers some questions, and try to answer them but not too much, they want to think about it too>
Well, let me answer those questions for you.
<Here you should try to make it look like the text is an old man trying to tell a story, it can be done a couple of ways.>
A long time ago, before the nether was created and long before monsters walked the earth(or any other substitute for the place that is minecraft universe) there were a lone man.
<Unnecessary commas can butcher sentences, try to use them sparingly so that they create some tension when they are finally used>
This man stood strong against the onslaughts of the various monsters who came out at night,
<You want to adress this man as a third person and talk about what he did, so try make the language interesting>
But he grew weary and tired of having to constantly fight for his life.
<Describe how he felt and describe the situation that caused him to try and flee from his former life>
He wanted to escape the island he was living on, this isolated island floating through the void.
<I've tried to stay as true to your original story with my writing, but you should try to stay away from using the same word several times in a sentence.>
But the Creator, who he had named Notch didn't want this to happen.
<Try to make it more descriptive, try to explain why he is called Notch or just give him a reason to be called Notch>
Notch spoke, and he said ; "There is only one rule to abide by on this island you call home. You may do as you please with it, but you may not leave."
<Using fullstops instead of commas can make a text flow much better, just remember to not overuse it.>
"If you leave, you will face a terrible fate."
<This part of the text would be a good spot to only leave one sentence alone before starting the next piece of the text.>
Below the pieces I wrote are some pointers on how it could be done.
A real creepypasta would've been alot longer AND less fantasy.
That was a very boring read, the majority of creepy pasta is suspenseful and keeps you reading, this on the other hand, Does not, this also doesn't deserve a thread, you should've just posted in this in the creepy stuff thread.
i shat my pants out of fear.
looks like i wont be able to sleep for hours.
oh no.
Once upon a time,
creepers.
The End.
Minecraft's creepiness comes from the infinite loneliness, try to play around with that.
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