Well I had a shitty day and a shitty night. I was bored and had no hoots. I was feelin pretty down and bummed out because me and my gf were fighting. So instead of taking 3 (like my max dose says) i took 20 (10mg) all at once, then drank a beer and had a mixed drink. I know it's bad to mix this but I was at a stage where if i died, i died and if i lived, i lived.. I didn't care.
Finishing that drink was the last thing I remember. Next thing I know I'm at my gf's house and it's the next day. We're screamin at each other and she wanted to know where her razor blade was and was accusing me of taking it and i remember throwing my cell phone at the floor and saying 'stop doing that fucking shit', then she said 'well i'm gonna go find another one' and i said 'you walk away and i'll do something that'll hurt more'. She walked towards the bathroom and I grabbed her wrist and put her arm behind her back so she couldn't move it. I said i'd let go so long as she didn't go and get a razor, she said fine. I let go of her and i don't remember what happened next. I have cuts on my neck and throat that i can only assume came from a knife. I'm pretty sure I did it.
I couldn't find my socks or shoes and she said when she picked me up i never had any on. She said i was stumbling and walking all fucked up when i walked out to her car. Apparently I said i wanted to kill myself the night i took all that xanax and she was really worried and I wasn't texting back. I dunno if i fell asleep or if i just never checked my phone. I spent the next hour or two looking for my cell battery. I still have not found it. I have no recollection of anything, but i don't remember any negative emotions or feelings even though i apparently said i wanted to die.
Apparently she called numerous times and i never answered. She sent me fb messages and even got her friend to text me. I don't remember it.
Then I went and checked my internet history. I was in my room alone for probably 6 hours before i fell asleep. I downloaded some random video game and i browsed bluelight and my hotmail. I don't remember any of it. I was literally blacked out for over 12 hours.
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
i also put out a cigarette on my arm??
youve inspired me to take one tonight
this is why i'm wary of benzos
I ended up on an accidental 5 day binge of 60 mg of lorazepam, and I still do not remember anything from those days [such as - dating, going to the movies, important conversations, etc]. I apparently acted completely normal (if drunk) and managed to do absolutely no harm to myself, my relationship with my boyfriend, or my finances.
I'm pretty much done with all benzos and am chalking that up as a stroke of amazing luck that I got no bad ideas during that time.
i remember i took some xanax and smoked 2 bowls man i was feeling like the top of the world but damn, thanks for the heads up
1mg is enough unless you have a tolerance.. Hell i've been on benzo's for 5 months now and 10mg xanax still fucked me right up
Oh man, I hate you self-destructive types. I've just dealt with too many cutters growing up.
[QUOTE=inebriaticxp;31621479]Oh man, I hate you self-destructive types. I've just dealt with too many cutters growing up.[/QUOTE]
hate's a strong word my friend more like you dislike them
I don't hate or dislike them. I just don't understand why they do it. It's beyond comprehension to me why you'd do that to yourself.
So because you don't understand something you hate someone for it? Who are you trying to be, hitler?
I haven't cut for a long time but i remember putting that cigarette out on my arm because i was mentally distressed and physical pain releases endorphins and is also distracting... It's nice to focus on physical pain sometimes
^ thanks for clearing up the wonder bro
I dont cut myself but I understand how people can do it, plus they're not really harming anyone or themselves that much so I have no idea how you can hate someone for it unless they are doing it for attention which is annoying but a lot of people don't do it for the attention.
i can be extremely addicting to someone who has no other forms of coping with things
[QUOTE=Tomaster;31621532]I don't hate or dislike them. I just don't understand why they do it. It's beyond comprehension to me why you'd do that to yourself.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=FuckStephenHarp;31621560]So because you don't understand something you hate someone for it? Who are you trying to be, hitler?
[/QUOTE]
what?
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
[QUOTE=Mac2468;31622169]i can be extremely addicting to someone who has no other forms of coping with things[/QUOTE]
or it can be done as a form of pleasure. Some people do it to abuse the natural pain killers of the body, the natural tranquilizer makes them feel good. It also can cause an adrenaline rush that is invigorating/exciting.
Yo Cpn Crunch you should come to my university and give me advice on everything :v:
[QUOTE=Stormcharger;31623157]Yo Cpn Crunch you should come to my university and give me advice on everything :v:[/QUOTE]
dude, i cant wait to finish college (starting my second year) and grad school. I just want to keep learning about psych. Imo, its the most helpful, insightful, constructive information you can learn since you can apply it in life and explain why people do certain things (for the most part.)
i soak that shit up like a sponge
Whats grad school?
graduate school, specialty schools for medicine, psychology, psychiatry, you name it. Thats where you get your doctorate degrees.
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
actually it was a running joke with my friends, see at first i wanted to become a psychiatrist. The difference between psychiatry and psychology is that psychiatry allows you to prescribe pills straight up, no need to get a recommendation signed by a doctor. HOWEVER (this is a big however) you need 4 years of college, 4 years at med school, and 4 years as a resident (working at a hospital ie paid intern). So when me and my friends graduated high school they told me how i was back in kindergarden (because i had another 12 years of school to do). So i said fuck that, ill take 7-8 compared to 12.
Also its a LOT more work and i dont want to become a medical model fanatic. (<--- i can explain that if you want)
medic model huh?
there are different models of psychology. Each takes a certain approach to things like treatments and diagnosis. To name a few there are Medical, Behavioral, Cognitive, Social. Each looks at a problem differently according to how they believe the brain works/functions. The two big ones are Medical and Behavioral.
Medial model is all about the pills. They look at the biological issues of the brain from lesions to chemical imbalances. The good, it does a pretty good job most of the time. People take the drugs and get better. The bad, treatment is life long. You have to keep taking them to maintain your progress. The ugly, they can have severe side effects and it can take many trials of experimental (dangerous) medicines to find the cocktail you need to get better, and it sometimes doesnt fully fix it.
Behavioral is the therapy. Why give them pills to stop the unwanted behavior when you can keep the person from thinking of doing it? You basically stop the behavior or the way of thinking through different types of therapy, in a nutshell. The good, this works pretty well without side effects (EXCEPTION: no side effects if done by professionals) and can save you tons in the long run because you may not need meds to sustain you. The bad, puts a lot more work, time, and effort on the doctor, long sessions depending on the problem and sometimes may not work (mental illness is the hardest thing to fix). The ugly, you dont need a PhD to practice this... this is bad, very bad. Basically you can get away by calling yourself a therapist because there is no license needed to practice psychotherapy, however you nee one to practice as a Psychologist. A terrible technicality/loophole i know and people do get hurt by it.
Basically people go to inexperienced psychotherapists and undergo treatment. They use group therapy. They try to go into the person and dig up childhood memories to see if they were abused etc. The problem here is that when you do that, you open the door to memory corruption, aka false memories. They accidentally convince the person that their depression/anger is based off a fake memory and they believe it to be true. This then destroys/splits families apart because it creates drama that should never have existed. Terrible and sad.
Now the reason why i dont like psychiatry is because those who follow it are medical model only people. They dont try anything but pills. I believe in a balance of all the models, our brain cant simply work in one model's way. I mean if each model works in some ways, then how about utilizing all of their advantages and using it to treat the illness. There are times when you drug the schizo patient so he is manageable in therapy, the combo works and it shouldnt be so black and white.
Benzo's are something to be handled with UTMOST RESPECT. I like to explain them to people as "alcohol in a pill but with worse decision making skills". With no tolerance, 4-5mg of xanax will put me into not-give-a-fuck mode and I start doing shit I always regret later, because the whole town knows Im fucked up, like the time I took like 100mg of morphine and 2.5mg of klonopin and rode my friends john deere 20" bike around town and talked to everyone I knew, apparently everyone could tell I was fucking narc'ed out and not just stoned.
But yea as far as the cutting thing goes Ive never gotten into it and I personally am against it because I believe theres better ways to deal with shit than something like fuckin cutting yourself, but I can understand the psychology behind why people do it so I dont look down on people who cut as long as they dont use it to get attention..
But you could say I self-abuse sometimes, moreso in the past few years, Ive gotten alot better since I got out of jail last year April 2010, but drugs are kinda my self-abuse you could say sometimes, it wasnt until like a couple months ago I finally stopped taking like 25 percocets in a day and shit. I still have the option of getting alooot of them, its just the buzz doesnt last long for me at all for some reason and I need like 12 percs just to get one buzz, and thats WITH some benzos to help it along. So I just cant fuck with percs anymore because I dont wanna be pissing chunks of my kidneys or liver out or somethings ya know...
And then way back in the day when I was like 15 when I had a really bad day cuz my parents were fighting and my dad was being a total prick to me and my mom, tellin her he was gonna leave her and tellin me I was a piece of shit and it was all my fault this was happening, that kind of shit, Id snag like 10 of my moms 1mg green klonopins and fucking knock myself out the whole day long so I didnt have to be concious.
My moms psychologist just took her off her klonopin after all these years, cuz she had a bout in july with abusing the fuck out of them, on the 4th of july she took like 9-10 2mg ativans plus she was drinking beer and we think she mightve snuck a few 10mg IR ambien in. But thats a long series of stories about my mom..
Something related back to benzos, I was reading on the net last night that they actually put Phenazepam in some blends that contained synthetic cannabinoids, it was only like 2 products but still, that could be potentially VERY bad, you should never put something like a powerful anxiolytic in a fuckin smoke blend. I could see their reasoning possibly being that it would lower the chances of "freakouts" by having an anti axiety agent in there and make it less frightening at higher doses, but I could see it backfiring in a number of ways, all with quite bad outcomes.
I only took 2 bars yesterday and I passed out, LIGHTWEIGHT HERE.
[QUOTE=jonashappy;31627506]Benzo's are something to be handled with UTMOST RESPECT. I like to explain them to people as "alcohol in a pill but with worse decision making skills". With no tolerance, 4-5mg of xanax will put me into not-give-a-fuck mode and I start doing shit I always regret later, because the whole town knows Im fucked up, like the time I took like 100mg of morphine and 2.5mg of klonopin and rode my friends john deere 20" bike around town and talked to everyone I knew, apparently everyone could tell I was fucking narc'ed out and not just stoned.
But yea as far as the cutting thing goes Ive never gotten into it and I personally am against it because I believe theres better ways to deal with shit than something like fuckin cutting yourself, but I can understand the psychology behind why people do it so I dont look down on people who cut as long as they dont use it to get attention..
But you could say I self-abuse sometimes, moreso in the past few years, Ive gotten alot better since I got out of jail last year April 2010, but drugs are kinda my self-abuse you could say sometimes, it wasnt until like a couple months ago I finally stopped taking like 25 percocets in a day and shit. I still have the option of getting alooot of them, its just the buzz doesnt last long for me at all for some reason and I need like 12 percs just to get one buzz, and thats WITH some benzos to help it along. So I just cant fuck with percs anymore because I dont wanna be pissing chunks of my kidneys or liver out or somethings ya know...
And then way back in the day when I was like 15 when I had a really bad day cuz my parents were fighting and my dad was being a total prick to me and my mom, tellin her he was gonna leave her and tellin me I was a piece of shit and it was all my fault this was happening, that kind of shit, Id snag like 10 of my moms 1mg green klonopins and fucking knock myself out the whole day long so I didnt have to be concious.
My moms psychologist just took her off her klonopin after all these years, cuz she had a bout in july with abusing the fuck out of them, on the 4th of july she took like 9-10 2mg ativans plus she was drinking beer and we think she mightve snuck a few 10mg IR ambien in. But thats a long series of stories about my mom..
Something related back to benzos, I was reading on the net last night that they actually put Phenazepam in some blends that contained synthetic cannabinoids, it was only like 2 products but still, that could be potentially VERY bad, you should never put something like a powerful anxiolytic in a fuckin smoke blend. I could see their reasoning possibly being that it would lower the chances of "freakouts" by having an anti axiety agent in there and make it less frightening at higher doses, but I could see it backfiring in a number of ways, all with quite bad outcomes.[/QUOTE]
opiates and benzo's don't mix nicely. Not in a 'damage to your body' kind of way, but benzo's take all the euphoria out of the opiates.. I've heard the same from many people on bluelight as well as i know it from experience. I never take benzo's if i have opiates, and vice versa
man you need to do some shrooms and cheer up or something
seriously
this thread is depressing
also mrkrill who rated everyone dumb is dumb for wasting his time clicking a button
also in relation to the thread title.
I hardly ever take xanax.
The last time I took one bar and ended up nodding off in class for 2 hours.
Pretty sure the teacher knew I was fucked up
You don't really nod out off of benzo's you just get a buzz and relaxed..
nodding out is the most amazing feeling ever but you only get it from opiates
Reminded me of that scene in limitless, sorry that happened bro! Hopefully you never let that happen again unless you're in the right environment, (if there is one lol)
[QUOTE=FuckStephenHarp;31635456]You don't really nod out off of benzo's you just get a buzz and relaxed..
nodding out is the most amazing feeling ever but you only get it from opiates[/QUOTE]
I mean nodding off as in falling asleep.
It took a massive amount of work to keep my head up and my eyes open.
I had to hold my head in my hands and still kept sliding over in my seat and such.
Not like nodding on heroin or something
Benzo's can be pretty fucking mad, phenazepam for example has a half life of [b]sixty[/b] hours. There are reports of people missing 2 weeks of memories!
phenazepam is also a legal research chemical
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
meaning you can get it off the internet... that shit's fucked and apparently not euphoric at all.
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
not that benzo's are really that euphoric but they make you stop caring about shit
[editline]9th August 2011[/editline]
i also sent a fuckload of texts to people and i don't remember any of it! I had to get a new battery and finally today i saw all the texts i sent... I think i was angry. my friend ditched me that day for a 'family supper' and i texted him like 6 times saying shit like 'wow get the balls to say you dont wanna chill to my face' and bullshit.. wow how embarrassing.. Made an ass out of myself over text
Benzos arent euphoric for me at all, opiates are very, but oddly at least for me, I get alot more euphoria and alot more instense of a high with benzos+opiates.
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