How I Could Possibly Change Myself - General

Wrote this when I got high. Some of these thoughts stem from existentiality, and others from my philosophy classes. -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- I am frozen in my core. All my attempts to further myself away are just my soul tugging on his rubbery shackles: elastic yet implacable. You see, I sense it when my consciousness is reaching for a certain personality, or a certain way of life it requires I abide by. Yet my 'nature', the parts of my personality I will never rid myself of, fetter me to this state of being that is passive, easily coerced and all-believing. My physical half grows ill, synchronized with the pain my emotional part feels, as I near the realization that I am forever bound to a fate of meekness. I seem to forget these feelings though as the next urge to become something new arise, only to have my aspirations crushed yet again. No, to really change my habits, my personality and my 'nature', I must shed them as a snake would his skin, leaving behind no remains. I must reinvent myself, without keeping any connections to the past, be they friends, artifacts, or even memories. If there was some way to purge these, this is what I would choose, but alas the only answer is to bury them deeper even than my longest forgotten memories, and hope they never surface due to a change of heart. The only flaw in this plan is having to commit to it. I am aware of my own threshold, and this is not a plan that would fit inside its confines. Luckily, my threshold can better itself, unlike my 'nature' which will remain under-represented forevermore. If I one day I've lost enough self respect, (and my condition will eventually see to it that I do), I might be capable of shattering the ties with my past life enough just to reboot myself. This is undesirable, because even if I could purge myself of my past personality and forget my bad memories, the good ones would cause just as much harm to my cause. These memories would turn into longing, then sadness, then despair (even though luckily I have never reached that point yet). My new ego would retract itself like a 30's cartoon blind, and reality would crush itself relentlessly into my already acute ultra-self-awareness. I feel like one day these emotions will come hurtling out of me if I do not express them somehow, but hopefully writing this will be enough to delay this for a long while, until at least my midlife crisis, where they would indubitably emerge once again. On the other hand, worst case scenario is that because this is the first time I've been this in tune with myself this much, I would become okay with it. And in the end, that's what scares me the most: ending up not wanting to change. This is because the comfort in myself would feel good to me when I surrender to it, insuring I would never express any desire to escape this fate. What scares me the most is the point of no return, if you will. At least if I don't lost my faith in the fact that I am uncomfortable in my own skin, I know I won't reach that point anytime soon. PS: I think this is why I'm an awkward kid. Extra thought: If there was a specific type of dyslexia, which involved the switching of identical letters, would anyone ever find out? -------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- As you can see, these are a doozy. Does anyone have comments or advice for me? Or does anyone even just want to add that they also share a similar condition, which is welcome because misery likes company. Also for anyone who worries, I am not suicidal in the least. I am so afraid of losing my life and death that me taking my own life would be the last way I would die.

[QUOTE=LostMyself;20606157] If there was a specific type of dyslexia, which involved the switching of identical letters, would anyone ever find out?[/QUOTE] I don't even. Example?

[QUOTE=Weirdo009;20606173]I don't even. Example?[/QUOTE] Like if you read the word "assembly", and the two things that were confused were both s's. It would be happening, but there would be no way to know since you'd still be reading the word right.

Have fun, dude. Changing yourself... can hurt. It really can, but if your current.. state of existance is bothering you then it's going to be worth it in the long run. Believe me.

[QUOTE=Calx;20606516]Have fun, dude. Changing yourself... can hurt. It really can, but if your current.. state of existance is bothering you then it's going to be worth it in the long run. Believe me.[/QUOTE] Thanks dude. Now that I'm more or less sober compared to when I wrote that, I feel like I was bullshitting myself and I didn't actually feel like that. Then again, those emotions didn't come from nowhere.

Didn't read it. Sounds like bad poetry.

[QUOTE=Ivers;20606873]Didn't read it. Sounds like bad poetry.[/QUOTE] Why reply then?

My advice, don't try to outright change yourself. Evolve yourself. Who you are right now will NEVER go away. We are given an empty slate and handed a permanent marker to write with when we are born. Every person, every day, every feeling, every mistake, and every experience you have run into form a part of who you are. It is impossible to rip all of that away and change your life to something entirely different. It just doesn't happen with the human mind. Instead, work to evolve your life. Your life can still change from what it is now, just not entirely and all at once. Find out what you want your life to be and work towards it. Work diligently enough and eventually you'll have molded your life into something more appreciable to your tastes. Memories, good and bad can easily become a thorn in your side. Bad memories are of course, something we all wish we could get rid of. Thing is... the negative portions of our life are what mold us the most. Its through these experiences that we learn and expand our horizons. No one likes having to remember a particularly nasty memory, but we grew from it in some way. There's no escaping it. Good memories can be just as equally bad, especially when it comes to lost loved ones, once scrupulous relationships, and so on. I can't tell you to just get over it or to push them out of your mind. I tried that myself and it doesn't work. Instead, all I can suggest is you learn to live with them. Focus on the here and now. Life is too painful to dwell on the future and the past. Focus on the here and now. Work as hard as you can to make today fun and enjoyable. Screw tomorrow. Screw yesterday. All that matters is today. I gotta say I relate to the OP topic though. There are times when I feel just the same, and then when i'm sobered up or time has gone I'll suddenly find I don't feel that way. It's almost like a mild roller coaster. I'm told its depression.

The day you stop giving a fuck about things is the day you begin to live.

You need to look at your memories, both good ones and bad ones. Your memories makes you. It creates your thoughts, emotions and it creates your entire perspective on reality, the world and yourself. Neglecting or trying to supress bad memories and experiences just creates more pain for your soul. Bad memories that you forget are not removed. They continue to dwell in your subconcious mind and from there they continue to produce negative emotions. Just look at all your memories, see them, feel them. Look at a memory and try to understand it, understand why it is a bad memory and why these memories troubles you. It's all about to find an abstract view on your memories. You have to leave your ego for a while and simply accept the memories as being yours. Do not neglect your bad memories and let your ego be in control. It is only when you are truly self aware that you can change your perspective on reality and yourself. Who are you? who do you want to be? are you the person that you wish to be? You have to realize who you are now. If you think that you are a good person, who have high goals it's good. But if that view of oneself is not fulfilled negative emotions are produced subconciously. And if you do the opposite, you see yourself as a bad person who can't achive anything you get the same result. Even if you are a good person but you still see yourself as a bad person you will also get a bad result. Be yourself, not somebody else. Don't be a bad person or a good person. Just realize who you are, from that point of view you can expand your mind and yourself to become the person you want to be. <3 Be the change you want to see. [editline]11:08AM[/editline] [QUOTE=Nestophales;20619167]The day you stop giving a fuck about things is the day you begin to live.[/QUOTE] The day you stop giving a fuck about things is the day you begin to lose your mind and soul. Understand why you are yourself and why the world makes you is the best way to become truly happy. Otherwise you just live in a world where nothing have true purpose and a connection to you. At old age you realize that there is so much more that you could had done and lived for. You die unhappy.