Blue Sparks - A story (series) I made up just now.
In other posts I see people put them in quote tags, so I shall do that.
[quote]
"Yaaaaaaaaaaaah!"
Bennet screamed as he flew through the air, using only his momentum. He had been struck by a rocket - no wonder he was leaving a red trail behind him. The Blue War had gone on for 6 years now, and Bennet was starting to wonder why he had signed up to fight in the first place.
There was one advantage to the Blue War; Galsia had a thick atmosphere and low gravity, so he hadn't landed hard and broke himself. As he skidded along the ground, he noticed that his foot was missing. "That's gonna hinder me." he thought as his chestplate - made out of pure Galkinian Plaztiu - rubbed violently against his chest. Bennet took a gathering on his surroundings, before attempting to stand up then tripping over again.
"Damnit! I've lost a foot, i'm in the middle of nowhere and my pistol has 2 bullets left. HELP!" he screamed, as he lay there on his back, bleeding.
----
Somewhere in the distance, Mishitika could see a human-shaped figure. "Roibot?" she called, hoping that her long-lost pet Galkinian Dog wasn't dead, but healthy and in the dark brown wasteland of Galsia. Hesitantly, she fired up her warpifier, creating a blue swirling mass of gravity, teleporting to the location of the figure.
"YYYYYOOOUUURRRRRRRRR TTTTOOOOO EEEEAASSSSSILLLLYYYY TTTRRRIICCKKEEEEDDDDD" called out a weird voice above her. Out of nowhere, three Urzolian soldiers jumped on Mishitika, and pinned her down.
[/quote]
So, shall I continue this? Or shall I give up right now? Post with suggestions and opinions.
Too short to make a proper opinion.. but what ive read so far i didnt like, but thats no means to stop writing theres always room for improvement
[B]"YYYYYOOOUUURRRRRRRRR TTTTOOOOO EEEEAASSSSSILLLLYYYY TTTRRRIICCKKEEEEDDDDD" [/B]
[B][I]NEVER EVER[/I][/B] EEVVVVVVVEEERRR do this, instead, heavily describe the face, the eyes, the body, the voice, and longevity of the tone thats kept, if you can. You can also make it 100% more interesting by swapping words around. You display literally zero emotion or description, but practice English and you'll do great, you seem to have the creativity.
[url]http://www.wordhippo.com/[/url]
"The young man walks around town. When he is walking, the young man sees an older man, named Bob, Bob is a convicted murderer that escaped from jail. Bob then captured the young man."
By adding description, and details, and a little word swapping will make
[quote] The boyish youngling strolled around town with his favorite set of jeans, spider-man shoes and shirt, with a base color of red, and secondary of blue. It had the classical design of course, from the original 1980's spider man cartoons because those were best. Upon his journeys the little child had seen an old man, sitting on a patio chair next to a white van, the man had scruff white beard, glasses, and no hair of the top of the head other than a blind tousle of a mess on his the sides and back of the head, he wore a blue dress shirt with dirty old blue jeans. Nod, the man would to the kid, he'd smile, then pull a gun on the boy
"[I]Get in the fucking van you pile of shit[/I]", with a voice of force and anger... the young boy kicked him in the fucking balls, and started beating him to half death[/quote]
I won't continue, but that was pretty exciting, amirite? I didn't even detail the old guy's getting his ass kicked, either.
Also, it's like... 4AM atm, so this post probably sounds extremely retarded. I bet I made... many mistakes, as well.
[I]Extremely. Retarded.[/I]
[editline]26th June 2011[/editline]
Normally, I detail something and tell a tale behind something, then jump into some action after all those details to make an interesting little 'scene'.
[editline]26th June 2011[/editline]
I'd say rework that, if your going to start out with a fight scene, have a 'moment' where the character kinda 'flashs back' a little and has a moment of thought to himself, then instantly go back to battle. Such as... the character firing a gun, the whole scene described as sorta stopping as he describes a short summery of whats going on, why, and who. Unless you want it later described. What [I]is[/I] all the history on the 'blue war', whose involved? whose Bennett? What does he do? Where did the rocket come from? etcetc
It's shit, but redo and continue while you still have it small. Should be real nice.
[i][b]Dreadful[/b][/i]
(You did ask for opinions)
I don't like how he's just shouting to himself. Seems kind of daft.
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