It's a short story I did for school. I feel like I could continue it if I wanted to, but I'm not really sure where to go. I hope I don't get shit for this for saying I did it for school or whatever. Anyway, it's not too long, I hope. I guess this would be more like a first chapter or something. It's already submitted to my teacher, (it has been for the past week or two, still not graded yet), but if yall find something wrong with it, tell me and ill try and fix it.
[quote=First Paragraph] I felt a sharp pain in my back. As I moved away from this that disturbed my sleep, I heard rustling. I could smell the damp forest morning. I don’t remember having a forest in my bedroom. I rolled over, with my eyes still closed. My bed felt different, but it was still comfortable. I decided I could try to sleep in a little bit longer. As I breathed in again I could smell the cold damp forest floor. I’ve had very vivid dreams in the past, but something was different about this one. As I thought about it, I considered opening my eyes, but I didn’t want to wake up to my boring room yet, to go through a boring Saturday, or was it Sunday, it didn’t matter; my bed was all that existed to me right now. I lay there for another few minutes, my thoughts went between how vivid this dream was and what would happen if I opened my eyes. The decision was quickly made for me when some heavy thing fell on me. For a second I was dazed and confused, it felt like I just got hit by a warm, furry, meat cannonball. This was bewildering; I had to open my eyes to see what was going on. As I quickly opened my eyes I could see an outline of something trying to find a place to bite me. I don’t really have a clear memory of what happened next, but I remember swinging at it with my right hand and having it get caught in its teeth. That was my rationalization for the new rip in my sweat shirt.[/quote]
[url]http://www.sendspace.com/file/alkysv[/url]
I tried to find a place to post it online, but I couldn't (one place needs 2 days to wait before you can post crap, the other has a 36000 character limit). Too much work to format it for Facepunch. Just read it in Word07. If it's any good I may consider expanding it, if it's bad ill just delete it and pretend it never existed. :v:
[editline]10:03PM[/editline]
Oh and I do realize stories tend to not get much if any attention on Creationism Corner. :frown:
Didn't read this. I is thinking you are what your avatar is. Little boo from me.
:)
SupeerG*
[highlight](User was banned for this post ("Why Reply?/Didn't Read the OP" - Perfumly))[/highlight]
hello. i would like to offer some critiques. i only read the little quote thing. didnt feel like reading the whole thing. ANYWAYS.
"moved away from this that disturbed my sleep" - a little unclear. sure, some will get youre talking about back pain. but youre writing for an audience. also how do you move away from a pain in your back. pain persists no matter where youre at. also that's a very clumsy sentence, what with "that" following "this". "i was awake, and heard something rustling" would suit you just as well (and in fact better).
the "or was it sunday, it didnt matter;" would work better as a parenthetical. "...this boring sunday (or was it sunday? it didnt matter)". avoid semicolons if you can; most writers dont know how to use them and if you use one wrong, it makes you look dumb.
PASSIVE VOICE IS YOUR MORTAL ENEMY. change "the decision was quickly made for me when some heavy thing fell on me" to just "something heavy fell on me". its also not clear what "decision" youre talking about. the decision between waking up and staying in bed? im not sure i follow, seeing as the narrator doesnt really debate it much.
dont use "dazed and confused" or "meat cannonball". the first will draw untoward associations to that led zeppelin song which will distract the reader. the image of a meat cannonball is just gross.
"i had to open my eyes to see what was going on". of course you did. cant see too well with your eyes closed. change that.
take out "as i quickly opened my eyes" from the sentence after it. you say right after that you see something; why bother with that? concise writing is strong writing.
these last three sentences are a disaster. passive voice in the second ("and having it get caught in its teeth"). just take out the last one. and like i said, the first one could use work. observe:
I saw the outline of something, something which tried to bite me. I swung at it and the silhouette sunk its teeth into my right hand.
now isnt that nice?
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