Spider Killing 101 - General

[highlight]First of all, let's get some questions you all may have out of the way:[/highlight] [b]1.[/b] What is a spider? [b]2.[/b] Why do they deserve to die? [b]3.[/b] What is this thread's purpose? [b]4.[/b] What experience do I have in this field that makes me a qualified instructor? [highlight]Here are the answers:[/highlight] [b]1.[/b] This mother fucker is a Spider, goddamn: [img]http://www.ento.csiro.au/education/Assets/images_allies/lgebr_spider.jpg[/img] If infected by a spider it's venom will transform you into this creature: [img]http://www.slotsgeek.com/slots/cryptologic/spiderman.jpg[/img] Look at that faggot. [b]2.[/b] If you don't already know the answer to this than you're either a muslim or a terrorist muslim. [b]3.[/b] To instruct on how to fight against the spider scourge. [b]4.[/b] Back in 'Nam I killed between 400-600 spiders during my tour of duty. I'm what you would call a motherfucking badass motherfucker when it comes to killing spiders. :siren:[highlight]HOW TO KILL A SPIDER[/highlight]:siren: If you search around the internet you'll find plenty of different methods of eliminating spiders. Don't listen to them, they're all spider spies goddamn. In this thread I will walk you through, step by step, the proper method of killing a spider. I'll even use clever pictures to further illustrate what tools and what methods to use. Step one is you need to get the proper equipment. For amatuers such as yourselves this will consist of: -a spray bottle [img]http://marysnorwex.com/store/images/354000_L.jpg[/img] -a remote control [img]http://www.planet-shop.eu/images/tvix_remote_control_4000_4100_5100_6500.jpg[/img] -1950's era porno mag [img]http://i147.photobucket.com/albums/r295/exclubks/Nuts/000be8a0_medium.gif[/img] -a box of tissues (extra soft) [img]http://chicagoist.com/attachments/Lauri%20Apple/tissues.jpg[/img] -a computer monitor [img]http://conservablogs.com/sunflowerdesert/wp-content/uploads/2008/01/monitor.jpg[/img] Now that you have the proper tools, here's how to execute the task. Once the target is located, place the monitor near it. Spiders love flatscreen monitors, the higher the resolution the better, so it will eventually crawl onto the monitor in hopes of catching the newest episode of That 70's Show because it thinks that Hyde is really funny. Here's where the spray bottle comes in handy. As we all know Spiders are allergic to water. Spray the spider like there's no tomorrow because if it bites you then you'll turn into spider man and you don't want to be that queer. [img]http://aric.ws/data/storage/attachments/27c9e362ee6abe067ede7998dab483a9.jpg[/img] Look how fucking terrified he is. Fuck. Now you need to pull out your remote control and beat it down. Don't worry about damaging the monitor, Spiders lack the intelligence to understand that a cracked monitor will not display their favorite programs. Now that the Spider is dead you need to pull out your porno mag. Masturbate furiously. [img]http://www.businesspundit.com/wp-content/uploads/2008/06/angry1.jpg[/img] This guy has the right idea. Use the Spider as lube even if you don't need it. Cum onto the tissues one by one and don't stop until they're all soiled. Now that you've killed the spider dispose of the evidence and move to a Spanish speaking country. I suggest Brazil. [img]http://www.mexico-travel.com/images/mexicofan.jpg[/img] This man is Juan Rodriguez Martin Alejandro Martin Gustavo Jose el Tres. He is a master of killing spiders. If you want to be like him, and I know you do, I have some extra suggestions for you. [b]1.[/b]Instead of just using any television remote use a TiVO remote. Those fuckers are heavy and get shit done. [b]2.[/b]Play some music in the background. You might want to try this song, but whatever gets you in the mood is fine: [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4upn3M4jtQY[/media] [b]3.[/b]Instead of using a spray bottle, invest in a pressure washer. [img]http://img.alibaba.com/photo/11528805/High_Pressure_Washer_QL_3100A.jpg[/img] This fucker will make spiders as dazed as a really dazed person. [highlight]IN CONCLUSION[/highlight] I hope I have helped you all prepare for the war against these ungodly creatures. Godspeed gentlemen... Godspeed.

Thank you, sir. I am being deployed currently, there is a Wolf Spider squadron in my bathroom, heavily armed.

Well it definitely went in a direction I wasn't expecting.

A section winner indeed

to kill spider = squish them. problem solved

[QUOTE=Devenger;16707722]A section winner indeed[/QUOTE] Yes. [editline]04:03AM[/editline] [QUOTE=ProgramFiles;16707728]to kill spider = squish them. [img]http://www.facepunch.com/fp_ratings.php?postid=16707688&rating=3[/img] problem solved[/QUOTE] You didn't even read the thread.

I throw them in the toilet then take a piss in the same toilet.

I got brown recluse venom in my urethra and my dick is falling off. [editline]12:05AM[/editline] It's fucking INTENSE

Hahaha I lost it at the flat screen monitor part

[QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;16707783]I got brown recluse venom in my urethra and my dick is falling off. [editline]12:05AM[/editline] It's fucking INTENSE[/QUOTE] You think that's intense? TRY BLACK WIDOW VENOM!

[QUOTE=ProgramFiles;16707728]to kill spider = squish them. problem solved[/QUOTE] , hm i think there is a spy [img]http://dvice.com/pics/spy_vs_spy_counterserveilla.jpg[/img] in our mits

Quality.

We're saved!!!

[QUOTE=RichyZ;16707854]What if I don't have a remote?[/QUOTE] use your dick

[QUOTE=RichyZ;16707854]What if I don't have a remote?[/QUOTE] Then you are in danger. The spiders will not spare you.

[QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;16707783]I got brown recluse venom in my urethra and my dick is falling off. [editline]12:05AM[/editline] It's fucking INTENSE[/QUOTE] [QUOTE=Canuhearme?;16707838]You think that's intense? TRY BLACK WIDOW VENOM![/QUOTE] You two obviously haven't been stung in the dick by a fucking BOX JELLYFISH

[QUOTE=Canuhearme?;16707838]You think that's intense? TRY BLACK WIDOW VENOM![/QUOTE] Pssh. It sucks, but you don't have to deal with a NECROTIC ULCER ON THE END OF YOUR DICK.

[img]http://z.about.com/d/geography/1/0/j/J/italy.jpg[/img] Relocate them there.

I now know how to kill spiders in an awesome way.

[QUOTE=lil_n00blett;16707877]You two obviously haven't been stung in the dick by a fucking BOX JELLYFISH[/QUOTE] I fuck box jellyfish.

Does this work on more than one spider at a time?

[QUOTE=NightmareXx;16707892][img]http://z.about.com/d/geography/1/0/j/J/italy.jpg[/img] Relocate them there.[/QUOTE] the spiders will not spare italy

[QUOTE=Devenger;16707871]use your dick[/QUOTE] Obvously another spy. Good sir did it ever occur to you that some women don't have dicks.

[QUOTE=JohnnyMo1;16707899]I fuck box jellyfish.[/QUOTE] I just use them as condoms while fucking Tiger sharks. WAIT! Too small.

[QUOTE=phasebot-alt;16707901]Does this work on more than one spider at a time?[/QUOTE] no

:golfclap:

[QUOTE=lil_n00blett;16707877]You two obviously haven't been stung in the dick by a fucking BOX JELLYFISH[/QUOTE] I don't know if you're just joking, but I seriously have been stung by a fucking Blue Bottle. It's cool on your arm, but on your junk it's like hell on earth.

[QUOTE=Canuhearme?;16707913]I just use them as condoms while fucking Tiger sharks. WAIT! Too small.[/QUOTE] this is not an instructional thread on conducting intercourse with aquatic animals this is how to eliminate the spider threat

[QUOTE=Canuhearme?;16707913]I just use them as condoms while fucking Tiger sharks. WAIT! Too small.[/QUOTE] You already admited to use'ing a 2cm, condom. Edit:, though there are the bigger, 5 inch caps.[img]http://www.aloha.com/~lifeguards/boxjelly.jpg[/img]

[QUOTE=bravojr;16707909]Obvously another spy. Good sir did it ever occur to you that some women don't have dicks.[/QUOTE] [img]http://www.ideachampions.com/weblogs/no-excuses.jpg[/img]