Do you think this plot, for a machinima based on stargate, is good? - General

If this is your first time looking at this then skip down to the bottom because it turns out for the better, well scroll down there after you read this. I tried asking the people in the Garry's Mod videos and screen shots section if they could help me on it but they just started going off on me and just trolled me so I am asking the creative people. LoL Here it is the backstory and plot for the first episode. Their names are Ridge, Tyler, Autumn, and Black (I can't think of a name for him since hes black so i just call him black until further notice, i am not racist i just can't think of a name for him lol) The leader of the group is Ridge, he is a serious guy who jokes with tyler, Tyler is the group troll and jokster though he can be serious about stuff, Autumn is the only female in the group, she is kinda like that girl marine from alien that has the red bandana and kinda reminds me of rambo, But she is white and has no accent lol, she is not all tough but she is a good marine, and finally Black black is like the main black guy from stargate universe that nobody really trusts, but in my machinima, he is a good marine who is trustworthy. Together they make the most top secret sg team. though they do not like what they do, they do it anyway. Their missions don't involve going to new planets and meeting new people, they travel to previously discovered planets with human life, stealing any piece of alien technology that they are not willing to share. When they go to the planets, they claim its just a diplomatic check up to see how things are doing. they spend the night at the planet, but sneak about, stealing any piece of technology not willing to be shared. Never have they been caught, since they are the most elitely trained sg team, and the most well equiped. their armor is all black, made of metal that is impervious to plasma based weapons. During their final mission, they are met by the people of a planet with technology that of which equals earth's. What they did not know is tha the planet has gotten alien technology that is capable of reading minds, and searching through memories. The SG team's mission was to steal some samples of the kind of crystal that is used in crystal technology. But a more advanced version that is capable of holding more memory. While they slept they were knocked-out, kidnapped, and their minds read. They then wipe all stargate dial codes from their memory, and if they were to wipe anything else that did not fall under that category, then the SG team would surely die, since the human brain can not handle it. The people of the planet did not believe in taking prisoners, they just send all their convicts through the stargate to a galaxy very far away. The sg team wakes up in a field with a couple days worth of supplies, they then search the area to see if there is a stargate, and sure enough, they find one, unlike any they had ever seen. While attempting to dial random places, a ship, unlike any they had ever seen (lol) breaks through the clouds, it is somewhat shpaed like the destiny but different, and with a big hole in the middle of it. They contemplate whether the ship is friendly or not, and if friendly see if they can get them back home. but in the midst of arguing, rings n the hole of the ship start spinning, slowly they spin faster and faster, until they reach nearly the speed. Then the rings glow a faint blue, then suddenly, The ground shakes like the most violent earthquake ever felt, all the coulds of the sky are being sucked into the bottom of the rings and spewed out the top into the ionosphere (which is the layer of atmosphere one right below the exosphere, which is basically space) The ground starts cracking and plants are being ripped from their roots at the speed of the wind, the SG team hold on to the stargate for their lives , but finally they manage to dial it they go through. after they went through, the rings on the ship then slowly cease to a halt. and in the center is black ball that drops like a rock to the planet. The ship frantically enters a worm hole and leaves the planet. The ball impacts the planet, who's surface is now completely destroyed and flowing with lava, and in the skies are massive storms, more powerful and larger than hurricanes. and when the ball hits the planet it releases an energy wave that destroys all life on the planet. I will once again not tell you what is going to happen next lol. What the ship did is actually possible. The ship directed a 3.6 MW signal, in the 2.8-10 MHz region of the HF [High Frequency] band, into the ionosphere. This basically disrupts the earths atmosphere to a point where it produces storms, earthquakes, and all forms of natural disasters. Thank you for your well spent time LoL Forgot to mention, I didn't proof read it, so please don't be a grammar nazi. During the beginning of the Egyptians, aliens visited the Egyptians, teaching them irrigation, pyramid building, astronomy, etc. These aliens claimed to be from a planet orbiting the little dog star. Their leader's name was Chefren. The aliens had blueish greenish skin like that of a reptiles and legs that were conjoined similar to that of a mermaids ,and they would float around instead of walk. During egypts fourth dynasty Chefren had a son by interbreeding with a human. The son's name was also Chefren. He was half alien and half human and ruled all of egypt. The egyptians praised him and created a statue for him called the Sphinx. The reason there is a lion body is because the lion was the fiercest of all known creatures. The Alien, Chefren, was a Highly evolved form of creature relating to the symbiote. Chefren's species had a genetic memory which was why his son had the same name. But one of Chefrens species had brought a symbiote queen to Egypt, hoping to make the civilization even more advanced by offering them symbiotes. Chefren did not know about this. Later, the newly formed Ga'ulds claimed to be God's more powerful than that of Chefren, who did not want to appear as a god. The alien that supplied the symbiotes also supplied technology, ships, and everything else to them. The Ga'ulds attacked and destroyed Chefrens home planet. Out of the guilt, he and others of his species to fled to a new galaxy, far far away. A thing I forgot to mention was that millions of years before this, were the ancients. Chefren was one of the inventors of the stargate, they named a part of the stargate after him (Chefren = Chevron). Chefren is not an ancient though but part of an alien race that knew the ancients. Copyright 2010. Surprisingly the basis of this story is actually based on fact. The egyptians did talk about aliens with conjoined legs visiting them and teaching them irrigation, etc. A pharoah named Chefren ordered the building of the sphinx during egypt's fourth dynasty.

[quote]Once upon a time[/quote] Stopped right there. I don't need to do anything past skimming it to realize this is pure garbage. Someone who knows more about stargate can drill into you further, but all I can say is those people in the screenshots section were probably right.

I'm a huge Stargate fan and don't even know what to say in response to this. I think that in itself is my opinion of the plot, sorry.

The plot points sound like they were picked from a menu.

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27760383]I tried asking the people in the Garry's Mod videos and screen shots section if they could help me on it but they just started going off on me and just trolled me so I am asking the creative people.[/QUOTE] No you just got berated for being the "idea's guy" with no creative skill what-so-ever. You were basically asking for years worth of modelling, texturing and mapping work.

It's okay i guess. But i'd rewrite it.

its ok, but to develop it more you could just make a super quick comic, like in paint, so you see what works and what doesnt

ok please tell me why you think its bad like, what parts of it are bad? All my friends who love stargate thought this idea kicked fuckin ass. I know the plot has many holes in it but I have filled those, trust me. and could some of you guys be nicer? btw I am creative. I come from a long line of artists but I suck at drawing :P Why am I even trying to prove my self to people on the internet? I need to get a life.

[quote]A group of four specially trained elite soldiers are sent to previously visited planets that have technology worth having that they wont give us and steal it. But one mission the soldiers are caught and interrogated to reveal who they are and who they work for. But knowing that Earth was technologically superior to them they decide to wipe the soldiers memories and send them to a different galaxy and pretend nothing happened.[/quote] Did you even tried ? seriously, you wrote this in like 10 minutes or what ? I can give you CC but try to put some effort in it please. [quote]the beginning of the Egyptians[/quote] :bang:

I must agree the beginning paragraph does sound like shit but I have a backstory that makes them sound waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy more realistic and detailed. but besides the first paragraph, what do you think of the second one besides the "beginning of the egyptians" part. I basically thought you wouldn't take that so seriously i mean its not like im going to type a paragraph on the beginning of the egyptians. I just summed it up in a single sentence. [QUOTE=-amin-;27797592]Did you even tried ? seriously, you wrote this in like 10 minutes or what ? I can give you CC but try to put some effort in it please. :bang:[/QUOTE]

[quote]I have a backstory that makes them sound waaaaaaaaaaaaayyyyyyy more realistic and detailed[/quote] This is what i want. Also if you want CC, give me some info about your Machinima.

Alright I shall post it when I clean it up a bit lol. And what is a CC? P.S. your youtube account thats linked is deleted LOL

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27842953]Alright I shall post it when I clean it up a bit lol. And what is a CC? P.S. your youtube account thats linked is deleted LOL[/QUOTE] Constructive Criticism.

So tempted to write tl;dr, but unfortunately I did read it, as much as it pained my eyes. To me, also an avid stargate fan, it made very little sense, and I'm normally pretty wayward with things making sense. :v:

Here it is the backstory and plot for the first episode. Their names are Ridge, Tyler, Autumn, and Black (I can't think of a name for him since hes black so i just call him black until further notice, i am not racist i just can't think of a name for him lol) The leader of the group is Ridge, he is a serious guy who jokes with tyler, Tyler is the group troll and jokster though he can be serious about stuff, Autumn is the only female in the group, she is kinda like that girl marine from alien that has the red bandana and kinda reminds me of rambo, But she is white and has no accent lol, she is not all tough but she is a good marine, and finally Black black is like the main black guy from stargate universe that nobody really trusts, but in my machinima, he is a good marine who is trustworthy. Together they make the most top secret sg team. though they do not like what they do, they do it anyway. Their missions don't involve going to new planets and meeting new people, they travel to previously discovered planets with human life, stealing any piece of alien technology that they are not willing to share. When they go to the planets, they claim its just a diplomatic check up to see how things are doing. they spend the night at the planet, but sneak about, stealing any piece of technology not willing to be shared. Never have they been caught, since they are the most elitely trained sg team, and the most well equiped. their armor is all black, made of metal that is impervious to plasma based weapons. During their final mission, they are met by the people of a planet with technology that of which equals earth's. What they did not know is tha the planet has gotten alien technology that is capable of reading minds, and searching through memories. The SG team's mission was to steal some samples of the kind of crystal that is used in crystal technology. But a more advanced version that is capable of holding more memory. While they slept they were knocked-out, kidnapped, and their minds read. They then wipe all stargate dial codes from their memory, and if they were to wipe anything else that did not fall under that category, then the SG team would surely die, since the human brain can not handle it. The people of the planet did not believe in taking prisoners, they just send all their convicts through the stargate to a galaxy very far away. The sg team wakes up in a field with a couple days worth of supplies, they then search the area to see if there is a stargate, and sure enough, they find one, unlike any they had ever seen. While attempting to dial random places, a ship, unlike any they had ever seen (lol) breaks through the clouds, it is somewhat shpaed like the destiny but different, and with a big hole in the middle of it. They contemplate whether the ship is friendly or not, and if friendly see if they can get them back home. but in the midst of arguing, rings n the hole of the ship start spinning, slowly they spin faster and faster, until they reach nearly the speed. Then the rings glow a faint blue, then suddenly, The ground shakes like the most violent earthquake ever felt, all the coulds of the sky are being sucked into the bottom of the rings and spewed out the top into the ionosphere (which is the layer of atmosphere one right below the exosphere, which is basically space) The ground starts cracking and plants are being ripped from their roots at the speed of the wind, the SG team hold on to the stargate for their lives , but finally they manage to dial it they go through. after they went through, the rings on the ship then slowly cease to a halt. and in the center is black ball that drops like a rock to the planet. The ship frantically enters a worm hole and leaves the planet. The ball impacts the planet, who's surface is now completely destroyed and flowing with lava, and in the skies are massive storms, more powerful and larger than hurricanes. and when the ball hits the planet it releases an energy wave that destroys all life on the planet. I will once again not tell you what is going to happen next lol. What the ship did is actually possible. The ship directed a 3.6 MW signal, in the 2.8-10 MHz region of the HF [High Frequency] band, into the ionosphere. This basically disrupts the earths atmosphere to a point where it produces storms, earthquakes, and all forms of natural disasters. Thank you for your well spent time LoL Forgot to mention, I didn't proof read it, so please don't be a grammar nazi.

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27863993]Black (I can't think of a name for him since hes black so i just call him black until further notice, i am not racist i just can't think of a name for him lol)[/QUOTE] lol

I'm still waiting for that constructive criticism LoL. And here is the logo I made for Stargate Amnesty that I had created a while back. [IMG]http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb357/Mxpklx/5248383270_994e51c3c9_bjpg.jpg[/IMG] And this image is copyrighted lol hence the fact that any photo taken in America is legally the photographer's

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27883129]I'm still waiting for that constructive criticism LoL. And here is the logo I made for Stargate Amnesty that I had created a while back. [img_thumb]http://i1201.photobucket.com/albums/bb357/Mxpklx/5248383270_994e51c3c9_bjpg.jpg[/img_thumb] And this image is copyrighted lol hence the fact that any photo taken in America is legally the photographer's[/QUOTE] Why do you insist it's copyrighted? No one wants to steal it.

This is pure brilliance.

LoL I just like saying everything of mine is copyrighted to troll people, thus causing unnecessary arguments relating to the subject. LoL[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;27906201]Why do you insist it's copyrighted? No one wants to steal it.[/QUOTE] Chaz, I legitly can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not LoL.

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27926886]LoL I just like saying everything of mine is copyrighted to troll people, thus causing unnecessary arguments relating to the subject. LoL Chaz, I legitly can't tell if you're being sarcastic or not LoL.[/QUOTE] Or just make you look like an idiot.

What do you have against me?? Your either trolling me or just have a natural hatred for me..[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;27933656]Or just make you look like an idiot.[/QUOTE]

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27944721]What do you have against me?? Your either trolling me or just have a natural hatred for me..[/QUOTE] Because your story sucks.

Does anyone besides shadow think this story sucks?[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;27952055]Because your story sucks.[/QUOTE]

You, the internet, are my only hope at getting criticism, because my friends are all yes men who like whatever I say so please give me some detailed CC.

[QUOTE=Mxpklx;27863993]Here it is the backstory and plot for the first episode. Their names are Ridge, Tyler, Autumn, and Black (I can't think of a name for him since hes black so i just call him black until further notice, i am not racist i just can't think of a name for him lol) The leader of the group is Ridge, he is a serious guy who jokes with tyler, Tyler is the group troll and jokster though he can be serious about stuff, Autumn is the only female in the group, she is kinda like that girl marine from alien that has the red bandana and kinda reminds me of rambo, But she is white and has no accent lol, she is not all tough but she is a good marine, and finally Black black is like the main black guy from stargate universe that nobody really trusts, but in my machinima, he is a good marine who is trustworthy. Together they make the most top secret sg team. though they do not like what they do, they do it anyway. Their missions don't involve going to new planets and meeting new people, they travel to previously discovered planets with human life, stealing any piece of alien technology that they are not willing to share. When they go to the planets, they claim its just a diplomatic check up to see how things are doing. they spend the night at the planet, but sneak about, stealing any piece of technology not willing to be shared. Never have they been caught, since they are the most elitely trained sg team, and the most well equiped. their armor is all black, made of metal that is impervious to plasma based weapons. During their final mission, they are met by the people of a planet with technology that of which equals earth's. What they did not know is tha the planet has gotten alien technology that is capable of reading minds, and searching through memories. The SG team's mission was to steal some samples of the kind of crystal that is used in crystal technology. But a more advanced version that is capable of holding more memory. While they slept they were knocked-out, kidnapped, and their minds read. They then wipe all stargate dial codes from their memory, and if they were to wipe anything else that did not fall under that category, then the SG team would surely die, since the human brain can not handle it. The people of the planet did not believe in taking prisoners, they just send all their convicts through the stargate to a galaxy very far away. The sg team wakes up in a field with a couple days worth of supplies, they then search the area to see if there is a stargate, and sure enough, they find one, unlike any they had ever seen. While attempting to dial random places, a ship, unlike any they had ever seen (lol) breaks through the clouds, it is somewhat shpaed like the destiny but different, and with a big hole in the middle of it. They contemplate whether the ship is friendly or not, and if friendly see if they can get them back home. but in the midst of arguing, rings n the hole of the ship start spinning, slowly they spin faster and faster, until they reach nearly the speed. Then the rings glow a faint blue, then suddenly, The ground shakes like the most violent earthquake ever felt, all the coulds of the sky are being sucked into the bottom of the rings and spewed out the top into the ionosphere (which is the layer of atmosphere one right below the exosphere, which is basically space) The ground starts cracking and plants are being ripped from their roots at the speed of the wind, the SG team hold on to the stargate for their lives , but finally they manage to dial it they go through. after they went through, the rings on the ship then slowly cease to a halt. and in the center is black ball that drops like a rock to the planet. The ship frantically enters a worm hole and leaves the planet. The ball impacts the planet, who's surface is now completely destroyed and flowing with lava, and in the skies are massive storms, more powerful and larger than hurricanes. and when the ball hits the planet it releases an energy wave that destroys all life on the planet. I will once again not tell you what is going to happen next lol. What the ship did is actually possible. The ship directed a 3.6 MW signal, in the 2.8-10 MHz region of the HF [High Frequency] band, into the ionosphere. This basically disrupts the earths atmosphere to a point where it produces storms, earthquakes, and all forms of natural disasters. Thank you for your well spent time LoL Forgot to mention, I didn't proof read it, so please don't be a grammar nazi.[/QUOTE] Well, here some tips : Stop with all those cliché and generic stuff. (make new protagonists with real personnality). Stop with all the 'they are the most elitely trained sg team, and the most well equiped'. Be as realistic as possible. Stop with 'LoL', it's annoying. Also, make some paragraph.

Thank you for your input I appreciate it more than you know, but They do have good personalities its just hard to describe someones personality. The "LoL's" are the way I talk because I laugh to basically anything. If I was trying to be serious I wouldn't say stuff like "elitely trained..." though I am being semi serious. Also I am totally open for help, if you think something should be changed then suggest what to change it to, you WILL receive credit for helping. And NO I am NOT one of those guys who is just leeching off of people trying to get people to do the shit for me. Ever since I found out about garrys mod I have wanted to make a machinima. Finally im like "Fuck this shit!" and started writing shit down and I got this. So I want to be involved in the making of it as much as possible but if you want to suggest or help me with something go on ahead. Also, I'm sorry for not making paragraphs LoL. [QUOTE=-amin-;28011157]Well, here some tips : Stop with all those cliché and generic stuff. (make new protagonists with real personnality). Stop with all the 'they are the most elitely trained sg team, and the most well equiped'. Be as realistic as possible. Stop with 'LoL', it's annoying. Also, make some paragraph.[/QUOTE] [editline]14th February 2011[/editline] I am also working on another plot that comes after the sphinx story, about the dropa discs.

I understand. So, i suggest you prepare all the tools you need for gmod and the maps. I may help you if you want (for ragdoll pose etc...), id steam : Bars92 Mp me on facepunch, because i do not connect often on steam. Also, if it's your first time on this kind of project, you need some practice before making something. And : you will need some custom models for your SG team, try to ask in Gmod section.

Wow, I never thought you would say that. But now that your actually offering halp, then let me tell you what I have at my disposal. I have adobe after affects, my dad is friends with a 3d animator/artist who basically does hollywood type shit, I can basically get most programs for free, and I am writing the music to the machinima with garage band lol. I am on a pc though, we have a mac too. Oh, and the models, well since from what I can tell you dont really like the sg team, but I do. so I thought they would have black armor similar to master chief's (NOT EXACTLY LIKE IT), and apparently its hard to make a ragdoll from scratch so people just put the head of hl2 ragdolls on their custom made body, so we might have to choose one... I also need a server on Gmod. I tried to make one once but I failed LoL.[QUOTE=-amin-;28073278]I understand. So, i suggest you prepare all the tools you need for gmod and the maps. I may help you if you want (for ragdoll pose etc...), id steam : Bars92 Mp me on facepunch, because i do not connect often on steam. Also, if it's your first time on this kind of project, you need some practice before making something. And : you will need some custom models for your SG team, try to ask in Gmod section.[/QUOTE]