After a year of procrastinating, I finally got the prologue rough draft down for a book I'm writing about time travel. It's somewhat short, but I want make it longer in the final draft. Please give your opinions on this so I may improve on this and my writing in general in the future.
Prologue
May 16, 1989
It started like any other day, but quickly spiraled into a nightmare. Dr. Jeff Stevenson got up out of bed and looked at his bedside clock: 7:00 am. He still had plenty of time to get to work. He put on his work clothes (khaki pants, a blue polo shirt and a red and blue striped tie) and walked over to his coffee maker and looked out the kitchen window; It was a nice day out, there wasn't supposed to be any rain. He then poured himself a cup of coffee and walked to the garage door. He opened it and walked to his recently acquired Nissan 300ZX. It handled rather well, and was fun to drive. He opened the garage door. After getting in his car, he set down his coffee in the cup-holder and put the keys into the ignition. He turned it, and the engine started up. He backed out, careful not to hit anything. He turned the wheel to the left and backed out into the street, put the car in drive, and started on his way to work. There was no one out yet, it was pretty peaceful that way. He took a sip of his coffee. He turned left on to another street, and continued on his way. It was a nice day out; he rolled down the window to let in some fresh air. He could see the NinTech Building now, just one more stoplight to go. The building itself was nothing special, just a square, 52-story tall building with the company logo at the top. He took another sip. The light turned green, and a second or so after he stepped on the gas a semi truck hurtled by. He turned the wheel and slammed his foot on the brake. As expected, his car swerved.
The edge of the truck just barely missed him. The truck mowed over a lamp post, smashing it to pieces, and tore the edge off a wall of a nearby Burger King before hitting a tree. It was a Seiech Truck. That was the first sign. After getting the spilled coffee out of the passenger seat, he continued into the parking lot and backed into his reserved spot. He unbuckled, opened the door, and got out of the car. He pulled out his briefcase from the trunk, and continued to the front doors of the building. Once inside, he signed in at the front desk, and started towards the elevator. He noticed a group of shady looking men in suits standing in the waiting area. That was the second sign. One of the men looked up and noticed him. He pointed at Jeff, and the rest of the men turned towards him. Dr. Stevenson made a sprint for the elevator. The lady behind the desk politely opened the elevator doors for him. The men were almost on him when he made it into the elevator. The doors shut quickly before the men could get in. He pushed the button for the fifty-first floor, the elevator started up on it's way shortly after. He knew he didn't have much time. He thought about his son John, when he remembered that he had left the TDPD 1.9 in his closet. Seeing his situation now, that was the best thing that's happened to him today. TDPD stood for Temporal Displacement Projected Display. He had spent 5 years figuring out how to make time travel work. Once he had, he presented it to the NinTech CEO. His project was approved and his team spent the next year constructing the thing. It was a projector at its base, but the team had done extensive modifications to it internally as well as externally. There had been many setbacks, but it was finished in the spring of '88 Several upgrades had been made to it along the way.
He had been instructed to keep it as secret as possible, with absolutely no one to know about this but themselves. The company wasn't in it for the money, they were in it to bring about a new technological age, because if time travel was possible, everything would be a piece of cake from there. NinTech would get every penny spent on the TDPD back from the emerging technologies. I'm not suggesting that they would go into the future, grab some new technology, and go back with it. I'm saying that they would use it as a model for future projects and inspirational and historical purposes. Unfortunately, NinTech's rival, Seiech has other plans in mind. The doors opened, and Dr. Stevenson ran to the phone to call his son. “Hello?” his son answered groggily. “John, you know that the TDPD is in my closet, right?” Jeff asked. “Yeah, do you want me to tell Mom to bring it to you?” his son asked. “No, I want you to hide it where absolutely no one will find it, you understand?” his father answered. “ Is something wrong?” The elevator doors opened. “Dad?” The shady men from earlier walked out. “I have to go, but I-” one of the men pulled out a pistol and shot at the phone multiple times. “What was that?” John asked nervously. The phone was blown up by one of the gun shots. John Stevenson put down the phone slowly. He immediately ran to the closet and pulled out the TDPD. He hid it in the most secure place he could think of. He lifted up a floor panel in his room. There was an indention large enough for the projector. He lifted up the false bottom of the indention and hid the TDPD in there. He closed the false bottom and the floor panel and threw a rug over it just in case. He plopped himself down on the bed, wondering what had become of his father.
Don't use cliches/tropes: "Normal day gone bad" etc
Indent
Don't switch from third to first to third person as you did in the last paragraph.
Avoid simple sentences, and pure declaratives. Mix it up.
[editline]10th January 2011[/editline]
He was pretty nonchalant about an 18-wheeler wrecking and almost killing him and probably killing the driver, by the way.
[editline]10th January 2011[/editline]
Would've been nice if you would have come to us with a first chapter, not a three paragraph prologue. There's not much content.
[editline]10th January 2011[/editline]
A prologue's job is to get you familiar with the main character's appearance/personality btw (+ introduce any early-on subprotagonists)
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