My English teacher wanted us to write a story (I'm a freshman) So..Here it is:
[HR][/HR]
It's been hours sense it all happened. We should have never split up. It seemed as if that the invasion never seemed to end, Or maybe it didn't.
I have been running from them a long time, now I am hiding in this house. But their still coming. They will soon, destroy the only thing that is keeping us seperated.
In our group, there was a scientist. He told us, that when they infected you, they turn your cells into something else. Something, Dangerous. Then there they were.
They came through the door like a endless storm. Then, they bit me. The Gummy Bear Apopcalypse, has just succeeded. Me, the President of the United States, a Gummy Bear.
[HR][/HR]
Comments?
That's short.
not interesting, lame 'twist', grammar errors abound, and your attempt to be 'mysterious' was deflated by the lack of any interesting detailing or lead up.
It's been hours sense it all happened. We should have never split up. It seemed as if that the invasion never seemed to end, or maybe it didn't.
I have been running from them for a long time; now I am hiding in this house. But their still coming. They will soon, destroy the only thing that is keeping them out.
In our group, there was a scientist. He told us, that when they infected you, they turn your cells into something else. Something, dangerous. Suddenly I heard a sickening noise. The barrier broke.
They came through the door, a myriad of ants. They bit me. The Gummy Bear Apopcalypse, has just ended. Me, the President of the United States, a Gummy Bear. We lost.
Fixed most of the bad grammatical mistakes, and some other things that didn't make sense
[QUOTE=Cyle;33048529]My English teacher wanted us to write a story (I'm a freshman) So..Here it is:
[HR][/HR]
It's been hours sense it all happened. We should have never split up. It seemed as if that the invasion never seemed to end, Or maybe it didn't.
I have been running from them a long time, now I am hiding in this house. But their still coming. They will soon, destroy the only thing that is keeping us seperated.
In our group, there was a scientist. He told us, that when they infected you, they turn your cells into something else. Something, Dangerous. Then there they were.
They came through the door like a endless storm. Then, they bit me. The Gummy Bear Apopcalypse, has just succeeded. Me, the President of the United States, a Gummy Bear.
[HR][/HR]
Comments?[/QUOTE]
It has been hours [B]since[/B] it all happened. We should not have split up. It seems the invasion would never end. I have been running for quite some time, now I take refuge in this house. They are still coming. Soon, they will triumph. You see, there is a scientist in our group, who knows about them. I remember him telling us, that when we were infected, our cells would mutate into something else, something dangerous. The door rambles and the wood creaks. The party screams in horror. "There they are!" someone exclaims. They rush in, pouring by the tens.
actually I'm not going to bother, this story is really bad. Work on your tenses and grammar, and everything, but importantly a plot.
[QUOTE=Cyle;33048529]My English teacher wanted us to write a story (I'm a freshman) So..Here it is:
[HR][/HR]
It's been hours sense it all happened. We should have never split up. It seemed as if that the invasion never seemed to end, Or maybe it didn't.
I have been running from them a long time, now I am hiding in this house. But their still coming. They will soon, destroy the only thing that is keeping us seperated.
In our group, there was a scientist. He told us, that when they infected you, they turn your cells into something else. Something, Dangerous. Then there they were.
They came through the door like a endless storm. Then, they bit me. The Gummy Bear Apopcalypse, has just succeeded. Me, the President of the United States, a Gummy Bear.
[HR][/HR]
Comments?[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE]I wanted to edit this for fun (I like writing) So...here it is:
Hours had passed since it all began. We should never have split up. It seemed like a good idea after what happened to Joe. None of us could have seen it coming. I wish it could have been different. No one should have to do that to their best friend and his face still haunts me now. I ran for what seemed like days until night finally fell. There it was, the last bastion of hope amidst a sea of uncertainty. The dilapidated old house had all of the charm of a 5-star hotel in my moments of spine-shivering terror.
I can hear them now. They scratch at the walls and pound at the doors. They aim to take my humanity and will not allow them to do so easily.
The scientist had told us moments before we parted ways that the virus was transmitted through almost any harmful contact. Once you're infected it changes you. Makes you into something no man speaks of but every man fears. Something dangerous. Something not meant for this earth.
They surge through the door like an unwavering storm with hither-to unseen bloodlust. Here it is, my last stand. The moment lasts an eternity. The beasts brains flying out of its skull as buckshot destroys it with chaotic beauty. My hopes shatter as naught but silence greets me as I press the trigger a second time. I scream aloud as the teeth pierce my neck both in agony and in anguish. I weep with disbelief and despair as I feel the virus taking hold. Am I to join the horde? It would seem so. If you see a gummy bear dressed in a presidential suit, show me know mercy, as I fear I will show you none either.
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I hope you don't mind but I wrote my own rendition of it, the plot is essentially the same bar a few details to make it less explicit. In all seriousness this could be a really amusing piece give a few changes to make it more subtle. When you write try to vary sentence length and function, short sentences can be incredible at conveying shock and speechlessness, while long sentences are brilliant for working in environmental details or implying panic. Also if you can, span the twist over as few a sentences as possible. It'd be better if it just stopped at "The gummy bear apocalypse has succeeded" or something along those lines. Unless your story needs to be that short I'd suggest adding a lot more detail, particularly of environments since your aim is to create suspense in what the virus is or deceive the reader into believing it is about zombies. Even if it wasn't the best written story it still amused me, with changes it could be great.
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