• Facepunch Anonymous Confessionals V. Try Again: Confess your sins, my child.
    33 replies, posted
Email your sins to [email]fpanonymousconfess@gmail.com[/email] [B]using a disposable email service like Guerrillamail(see below)[/B] Everyone has something they want to say but can't tell anyone. This is your space to tell someone your darkest innermost secrets. Email me your sins and I'll post them purely anonymously. Say anything you want, [U]I won't judge you or reveal anything, though I can't speak for all of Facepunch.[/U] This is a safe zone. I'll post whatever you send, unless it contains illegal content(cp, warez, etc). I'll also censor any personal information. [B]Do Not PM me. I won't censor your name if you PM me.[/B] You can use a disposable email site like [url]https://www.guerrillamail.com/[/url] , [url]https://www.mailinator.com/[/url] , or [url]https://getnada.com/[/url] [B]Here's an example of how a confession will be posted[/B] [quote=John Dough]I one pissed on a stray cat I saw. It gave me this look and it's haunted me ever since.[/quote] [I][insert witty remark by yours truly][/I] Email your sins to [email]fpanonymousconfess@gmail.com[/email] [B]using a disposable email service like Guerrillamail(see above)[/B] [B]Don't announce which confession is yours, dummy.[/B]
Dont mind me, just giving OP his space
[quote=John Doe]When i was 11 year old i lost my virginity to my older sister, while i was a horny puberty troll she decided that she was gonna have sex with me even though i didn't want it at all, she also forced me to lick her pussy. I've had trouble talking to girls i don't know ever since, even 12 years after it happened.[/quote] That's horrible. I hope your sister realizes what she's done to you. Have you sought out any professional help? [editline]7th August 2017[/editline] [quote=totally original]im gay[/quote] It begins. [editline]7th August 2017[/editline] [quote=Sleepless on Steam]Nothing special but really wanted to let this out, an encounter with someone on Steam. More than a year back I ran into someone in gmod and had added me, we hit it off pretty fast, and before I knew it, it became a little more of just being a steam friend, we shared pics and all that. She was honestly cute but really internet retarded, but had this heart of gold I couldn’t look away from. Her and me had let things go too deep before letting me know shes had this ldr in some country half way around the world, and was oddly enough already paid for a flight to go see him. sure I was a little upset, and her play on me was just hinting her ldr was bad. We mutually agreed to just relax and be what became strong friends, sharing deep stuff daily. If anything we were still growing together. So she finally took that trip and talked about being nervous as she got to the airport and said she was ok. That was the last time Ive heard from her, its been months :c[/quote] I'm sure she's okay. Sometimes people on the internet drift apart. I know there's plenty of people on my friends list I used to talk to daily, and nowadays I go months without even messaging at all in passing.
[QUOTE=Trekintosh;52548577]That's horrible. I hope your sister realizes what she's done to you. Have you sought out any professional help?[/QUOTE] Wow, what a fucking start to this thread. I'm sorry, whoever had that happen to them, I know it must be absolutely horrible but it's not something that defines who you are, sex doesn't define us, and I really hope you have recieved help or will if it's still causing you issues.
Can we have links to the previous threads in the OP?
[QUOTE=DrTaxi;52549334]Can we have links to the previous threads in the OP?[/QUOTE] [url]https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1522313[/url] [url]https://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1448770[/url] The only two I can find.
[quote=Lingering Doubt] This year I turned 18, and since then I've been feel pretty bad about never having a girlfriend. I've never even kissed a girl. It's not a big problem but it's something that lingers in my mind. I feel it's something I should've done a long time ago. Am I overreacting? I was never really interested in a lot of girls in middle school or high school, but even when I was it didn't work out. Will it get better when I go to college?[/quote] I can understand your point of view. First: don't force yourself to try people you're not interested in. Let things happen. I would recommend online dating. Try to find someone you can at least tolerate to start with. Don't set your standards unrealistically, but don't drop them so low you end up with someone you hate just because "well, at least she's something". Have patience, not persistence. It could take a long time. As for college, it will get better if you put yourself out there. Talk to people, make friends. You'll end up in a social group and find people you like. If you don't already, put some effort into taking care of yourself and your body. I'm not saying you have to lose 30 pounds or whatever. Just brush your teeth, groom your hair and face, and shower, if you don't already. It helps a lot.
[quote=Facepunch does what Nintendon't]I couldnt share this story for a while because of legal fears I had, and even so I still should remain anonymous because I dont want this linked to me in any way possible. This was kinda scary for me but im sure you will all find it hilarious. I will change some minor details to protect myself. a long time ago, I was messing about hacking my wii u, messing with its nand and other aspects. some of the data I had was from the miis. If you dont know, "Miis" are nintendos virtual avatars used in game and online, as well as for a picture for your online "nintendo account." I opened some of this data up in a text editor, and though much was garble, I was able to make out certain areas that were in plain text, particularly the names of each mii. now, when you make your mii, no matter what console you use, you have to name it with something 10 characters or less. But here I was with the raw data in a text editor, I could name it however long I pleased, no limited number of boxes to stop me! So I gave the mii a name well beyond the limit and dumped the data back into the wii u. The mii was saved under the mii channel of the vwii (the wii mode of the wii u, think of it as an enclosed sandbox of the wii u that runs the entire wii OS). When I loaded up the mii channel, viewing my hacked mii caused it to crash. Delighted with my results, I rebooted my console and imported the mii from the vwii to the wii u mii channel through its own native importer, and was happy to see other bizarre bugs and freezes). It was clear that the code was not meant to handle mii names above 10 characters. now, I wanted to get this hacked mii on my 3ds too, but I was too lazy to go through with it the manual way. I then realized that the nintendo account system stores a single mii as an avatar, so I can upload my hacked mii with my wii u, and then download it from my 3ds! so Thats what I did. with some odd workarounds (my wii u was really not liking this mii at all and freezing a lot), I was able to get to the "my nintendo" profile edit page and proceeded to upload my hacked mii. Then my wii u said it lost connection to nintendo servers. I dismiss it as another fluke from the wiiu's end and check from the 3ds to see if the mii uploaded. my 3ds couldnt connect to nintendo either. it was then that I started having a bad feeling about this, so I checked google about the status of nintendo's servers. within minutes, tons of people from around the world were posting that nintendo services went down. It then dawned on me that perhaps the wiiu wasnt the only thing that couldnt handle the long mii name. nintendos database servers themselves perhaps werent able to process it and crashed, since there is no (legit) way to have a mii name over 10 characters. I may have single handedly, accidentally taken down nintendos worldwide gaming servers. Nintendo says that this is just "unexpected maintenance" and sure enough, services are fixed in less than half an hour. from my 3ds, I see that my account avatar remained that of my previous (normal) mii. im still in a panic though. If nintendo catches you hacking their console (which is pretty rare), they ban your console from online and oh well you are out of 300 dollars. but if you took down their network? I was expecting police knocking on my door any hour.... and those hours turned to days, which turned to weeks, which turned to months. At this point, I think nintendo forgot or something. perhaps this was fixed with some engineer there just rebooting the servers and the bad data went away. but just to be safe, I never let my hacked wii u connect online again, I removed its wifi connection details, and even changed the password of my router, so its completely offline though. To this day I am not sure of that network outage was just coincidence or if I actually ruined hundreds of mariokart matches. But no police ever came, and I wasnt even banned from nintendos services (from my 3ds), so I think i am safe[/quote] Wow, I can't even imagine how incompetent their devs had to be to not even try to account for too-long strings at any point in the process of moving Miis.
[QUOTE=DrTaxi;52549334]Can we have links to the previous threads in the OP?[/QUOTE] found this list from an earlier thread, apparently 1-3 don't exist anymore [url=http://www.facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=778040]4[/url], [url=http://www.facepunch.com/threads/797556-Facepunch-Anonymous-Confessional-v5-(BLOG-EDITION!)]5[/url], [url=http://www.facepunch.com/threads/968961]6[/url], [url=http://www.facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1127594&highlight=Anonymous+confessional]7[/url], [url=http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?p=36053515#post36053515]8[/url], [url=http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1225588]9[/url], [url=http://facepunch.com/showthread.php?t=1418112]10[/url]
[quote=Donald J Trump]when i was in the 3rd grade i pissed on my friends sweater when he left it outside one day and the next day he said it was really soft and rubbed it against his face.[/quote] :dogwow:
:why:
[quote=Learning Experience]i really wish i didn't fuck up with a group of friends i had online, ever since i got kicked out i just keep getting reminded of the good times we had and it makes me unhappy knowing that's prolly never gonna happen again.[/quote] My advice is that to accept that it is the nature of the universe to change. You will never have what you once had, but you will probably get new experiences that are just as good. To quote The Great Gatsby: "You can't repeat the past."
[QUOTE=Trekintosh;52555126]:dogwow:[/QUOTE] Piss must be a good fabric softener "how does Margret get her sheets so soft?"
[quote=Nice]A week or two ago, I slept over at my girlfriend's house. (keep in mind, i'm younger than 20 but older than 16. Not saying exact age, just in case by a small chance someone i know might use the forum. Sorry, i'm just playing it safe) So I slept in their guest room, right? it's in their basement. My gf's parents are strict, so she sleeps in the home theater sorta area and im in a separate room in the basement area (guest room). Now here's where you probably won't believe me, I swear to god this is true. I remember waking up, and someone was feeling me up, and initially I thought it was my girlfriend. I did it back, grabbing her and stuff. We went back and forth. We did a little oral, but didn't stick it anywhere else. but here's the catch, after we finish, she kisses my cheek, says "Thanks babe" and leaves. I swear to god, it didn't sound like my girlfriend, but her sister. I asked my girlfriend the next day if she came in my room during the night (not mentioning someone actually did) and she said no. We're always 100% honest, so I'm pretty sure she isn't lying. my GF, her sister and her sister's friend that day had driven a few hours to go somewhere, and I swear to god her sister had her eyes on me all day. We got home late so I just slept over. Am I just imagining things? It might be coincidence but it seems way too coincidental to actually be a coincidence. Facepunch, i've been stressed out over this for the last week or so. What the fuck[/quote] Well you know what they say. A GF in the hand is worth your hand in her sister's bush. :badzing:
[QUOTE=Trekintosh;52555578]Well you know what they say. A GF in the hand is worth your hand in her sister's bush. :badzing:[/QUOTE] Did OP not take a look at the person grabbing his junk?
[quote=There is still hope]I am 28 years-old virgin, I have problems being socializing, especially with women. Only friends I have are ones from my childhood. I am overweight, ugly, unemployed, overall pathetic excuse for a human. This summer I once again have considered to just off myself, but I just can't do it because It would be burden for people who know me. I told myself I would get in shape and go to gym, but that was 7 months ago, I just don't have enough courage to go there, I hate it.[/quote] I'll let my BF answer this one since he's more eloquent than I: Unfortunatelly there is no easy fix. Just like everything worth having, it takes time and effort. If you are don't have the corage to go the the gym, try doing a push up every morning. Do squats, just something small to get yourself used to moving. Although I understand your trepidation to tgoing to the Gym, you should know that almost everyone is there for the same reason you want to go: to better themselves. If you are still friends with your friends from your childhood, you are doing better than a lot of people, so you should be proud of that. Uglyness is a subjective thing. doing small thing to improve your self image would help in that regard. You don't have to do anything expensive, just a little more effort into dressing, and hygee if you aren't already. Unemplyed is probably the hardest to deal with, but essentially it takes presistance and you gotta learn that rejection is not the end of the world. Most employers are rooting for you, they are hoping you will come in and impress the hell out of them. It makes their job eaier. Most importantly, if you think your death will be a burdon, that means people care about you. Reach out to them, they might be aboe to help. Everything is easyer with someone there for you to help, and it sound like you have people willing to be there for you.
[QUOTE=Trekintosh;52556031]I'll let my BF answer this one since he's more eloquent than I: Unfortunatelly there is no easy fix. Just like everything worth having, it takes time and effort. If you are don't have the corage to go the the gym, try doing a push up every morning. Do squats, just something small to get yourself used to moving. Although I understand your trepidation to tgoing to the Gym, you should know that almost everyone is there for the same reason you want to go: to better themselves. If you are still friends with your friends from your childhood, you are doing better than a lot of people, so you should be proud of that. Uglyness is a subjective thing. doing small thing to improve your self image would help in that regard. You don't have to do anything expensive, just a little more effort into dressing, and hygee if you aren't already. Unemplyed is probably the hardest to deal with, but essentially it takes presistance and you gotta learn that rejection is not the end of the world. Most employers are rooting for you, they are hoping you will come in and impress the hell out of them. It makes their job eaier. Most importantly, if you think your death will be a burdon, that means people care about you. Reach out to them, they might be aboe to help. Everything is easyer with someone there for you to help, and it sound like you have people willing to be there for you.[/QUOTE] It's worth remembering, weight loss isn't all about how much exercise you do. It's about how much energy you take in and how much you spend out. Calories in, Calories out. Exercise only helps you burn what you eat, but if you work out and burn 3000 calories, and, say, have a natural metabolic burn of 1600 calories, but you ate 6000 calories that day, you still have an excess of 1400 calories. That's stored for later, that's where excess fat comes from. Diet is the single most important part about weight loss. But the best part about this? It means you can lose weight without ever going to the gym. Get your phone, download My Fitness Pal. Give it your current weight, height and how active your lifestyle is (Sounds sedentary here). Keep these two figures up to date. You will then set a weight loss goal, and a timescale for how long you want it to take. MFP is a simple calorie tracker, it will give you a goal calorie intake count to hit per day. You just put in and track what you eat. (And don't lie. Start to learn to read and count how much you're actually eating, and learn to guess for the things you don't know, and remember that it's better to guess over than under, when your goal is weight loss). It is a brilliant tool, and the most important thing about it is it will train you to have the mentality to lose weight and keep it off. Eat for the body you want, not for the body you have. MFP is a tool that will slowly bring down your caloric intake and burn to the level you set your goal to be. It is a brilliant tool, and personally I've lost 18KG thanks to it alone in the past year, and I do next to no exercise. But remember, it is just a tool, just like exercise is. I highly recommend you do some research into this. Look up what a BMR is, work out yours, learn how metabolism works. Diet really is the biggest thing of all. The biggest thing to remember about all of this though is you do have a say. You can do something about this, you just have to give a shit. Don't make excuses to yourself. Don't lie to yourself, and don't lie to MFP. That only hurts you. You're the one in control of helping yourself here and the tools to help you do this are at your disposal. Oh, and one last tip. Don't drink your calories. Soda, alcohol, etc, that's all empty calories and it adds up fast. Start to track this and look into how bad it is. Cutting back on drinks to just water is, IME, the easiest thing you can do to bring down your caloric intake. If anyone wants to add on to this, or correct me on anything here, please do. The more we can help the better, right?
[QUOTE=wingless;52556061]It's worth remembering, weight loss isn't all about how much exercise you do. It's about how much energy you take in and how much you spend out. Calories in, Calories out. Exercise only helps you burn what you eat, but if you work out and burn 3000 calories, and, say, have a natural metabolic burn of 1600 calories, but you ate 6000 calories that day, you still have an excess of 1400 calories. That's stored for later, that's where excess fat comes from. Diet is the single most important part about weight loss. But the best part about this? It means you can lose weight without ever going to the gym. Get your phone, download My Fitness Pal. Give it your current weight, height and how active your lifestyle is (Sounds sedentary here). Keep these two figures up to date. You will then set a weight loss goal, and a timescale for how long you want it to take. MFP is a simple calorie tracker, it will give you a goal calorie intake count to hit per day. You just put in and track what you eat. (And don't lie. Start to learn to read and count how much you're actually eating, and learn to guess for the things you don't know, and remember that it's better to guess over than under, when your goal is weight loss). It is a brilliant tool, and the most important thing about it is it will train you to have the mentality to lose weight and keep it off. Eat for the body you want, not for the body you have. MFP is a tool that will slowly bring down your caloric intake and burn to the level you set your goal to be. It is a brilliant tool, and personally I've lost 18KG thanks to it alone in the past year, and I do next to no exercise. But remember, it is just a tool, just like exercise is. I highly recommend you do some research into this. Look up what a BMR is, work out yours, learn how metabolism works. Diet really is the biggest thing of all. The biggest thing to remember about all of this though is you do have a say. You can do something about this, you just have to give a shit. Don't make excuses to yourself. Don't lie to yourself, and don't lie to MFP. That only hurts you. You're the one in control of helping yourself here and the tools to help you do this are at your disposal. Oh, and one last tip. Don't drink your calories. Soda, alcohol, etc, that's all empty calories and it adds up fast. Start to track this and look into how bad it is. Cutting back on drinks to just water is, IME, the easiest thing you can do to bring down your caloric intake. If anyone wants to add on to this, or correct me on anything here, please do. The more we can help the better, right?[/QUOTE] Second on MFP. I used it last year and dropped like 30 pounds in 4 or 5 months. You have to keep using it though, even after you've lost weight. I gained it all back after I stopped tracking, and now I'm exactly back where I was last year having to start again. If I had kept tracking through all last year, I would probably be in great shape right now. [editline]10th August 2017[/editline] Also, you should start tracking right now. Not tomorrow, right now. Think through what you ate today and put it in. I spent like 14 motherfucking months saying "I'll just start off with breakfast tomorrow".
[QUOTE=joshjet;52556723]Second on MFP. I used it last year and dropped like 30 pounds in 4 or 5 months. You have to keep using it though, even after you've lost weight. I gained it all back after I stopped tracking, and now I'm exactly back where I was last year having to start again. If I had kept tracking through all last year, I would probably be in great shape right now. [editline]10th August 2017[/editline] Also, you should start tracking right now. Not tomorrow, right now. Think through what you ate today and put it in. I spent like 14 motherfucking months saying "I'll just start off with breakfast tomorrow".[/QUOTE] Definitely. The most important thing about MFP is learn how it works. Learn about BMRs. Learn how weight loss works. Learn how to do this independently of MFP. MFP is simply just a tool like any other.
hopping on the my fitness pal train, i started using it last month and i've already lost 7 pounds. for me it really helped put into perspective how many calories the shit i used to eat has. plus it's really nice to see that your weight really is going down. it really helps me strive to keep at it.
[quote=Player Unknown Boot Record] This doesn't even need to be Anonymous. Just thought I'd break up the depressing stories with something a little more light hearted. So about a week ago, I was playing the new PUBG update, the one where they added in first person servers. I was playing with a friend, and while we were in the lobby area, I said "Hey, if you throw a smoke into the middle of these guys the ones with bad PCs will crash," Mostly as a joke, but I still threw a smoke in there. After I did that though, my PC blue screened. All right, fine, I probably deserved that, so I restarted. While loading into my desktop, I blue screened again! Great, never had that happen before. Then, I got an amazing screen: "No boot device found". PUBG crashed so hard it took down my PC with it. Don't try to crash people's games kids, karma will come back to bite you in the ass! Anyway, I'm pretty sure my boot record got corrupted. I'm having someone more competent look at it today. Worst case is I just need to reinstall Windows.[/quote] Sounds like you got... Smoked Out :hurr: [quote=Troll in the dungeon]i like shitposting just for the sake of pissing off people when i see an echochamber topic like say bernie sanders or something[/quote] :shitposting:
[quote]I've only told this to one person ever (and let me add that it helped me move on), but it's something that really haunted me for a very long time, hurting my self-esteem a lot (though I don't think it's something anyone else ever really noticed). Basically I had my first sexual experience at a way too young age with a friend of mine. At that time I really didn't know what sex was at all, and my friend had basically told me that being gay just meant being best friends, and since we were best friends, obviously we were gay. And hey what do gay guys do? They suck each other's dicks and licks each other's assholes. Feels really weird typing that out. There wasn't anything sexual about it for me. But years later I started realising what had gone on, and I felt really awful about it - felt used and dirty. I've never held it against the guy - after all he was the same age and probably didn't know better - but it still made me feel really quite bad for a long time. Made me doubt my own sexuality for a long while as well; obviously there's nothing wrong with being gay, but most will probably agree that it isn't fun being in doubt about it. Anyway, I'm pretty sure I'm straight (and either way I'm comfortable with my sexuality now), and I've moved on now. I don't really think about it any more, and it doesn't influence who I am. I guess that's why I'm comfortable writing this at all. Talking about it with a friend (I got really drunk, was maybe kinda depressed in that period in general, and I was bawling my eyes out - I'm very grateful that I've had great friends in my life) really helped, and I guess another point I want to make is that you shouldn't assume that someone hasn't experienced some shit just because they look successful and confident on the outside. You never know.[/quote] I've had a similar experience and it took me a very, [I]very[/I] long time to get over it. I'm glad you've been able to come to terms with what happened to you. It's very important to get over things, rather than letting them sit around inside you and dwell.
[quote=what the shit]I've been in an unhappy relationship for three years now, but not for typical reasons. My girlfriend and I very much do love each other, but there's something she does that makes me very uncomfortable. She has a very high libido, and wants to have sex more than I'm comfortable with. I tend to work long hours, and I'm often basically zombified by the time I get home, and she does not take no for an answer. That alone is uncomfortable, but the bigger problem is that she gets (very) mad if I don't allow her to indulge in her fetishes. Long story short is that she expects to fart on me and worse. I'm leaving the 'worse' to imagination, as I don't even want to think about it. It only really began late last year, but now I fear it will never stop. As mentioned above, she just will not take no for an answer. If I don't do what she wants, there will be drama. Otherwise, she's a very nice and caring person that I feel I can deeply relate to. Regardless of that, I've been thinking of breaking up with her since the beginning of the year. I am not even sure how to phrase how uncomfortable I am by her actions, because the moment she realizes what I'm talking about she shuts me down before I can.[/quote] All I can say is you need to get out of that shitty situation. She's obviously taking a crap on your relationship, and needs to stop. Dumping her would be the best outcome for you. However if she tries to give you the deuce about it, you need to tell her that she's number two to your own needs. Honestly it's no wonder you're pooped out about this, I would be too.
[quote=Sensitive Sally]i care about ratings immensely and am hurt when i get dumbed[/quote] :boxhide:
[quote=Definitely not Tudd]I've created multiple alts to share my opinions because I know the mods will ban me if I post them on my real account. The funniest part is that some times the mods ban the people replying to my posts.[/quote] This is how you become a mod for a day.
[QUOTE=Trekintosh;52548291]Email your sins to [email]fpanonymousconfess@gmail.com[/email] [B]using a disposable email service like Guerrillamail(see below)[/B] Everyone has something they want to say but can't tell anyone. This is your space to tell someone your darkest innermost secrets. Email me your sins and I'll post them purely anonymously. Say anything you want, [U]I won't judge you or reveal anything, though I can't speak for all of Facepunch.[/U] This is a safe zone. I'll post whatever you send, unless it contains illegal content(cp, warez, etc). I'll also censor any personal information. [B]Do Not PM me. I won't censor your name if you PM me.[/B] You can use a disposable email site like [url]https://www.guerrillamail.com/[/url] , [url]https://www.mailinator.com/[/url] , or [url]https://getnada.com/[/url] [B]Here's an example of how a confession will be posted[/B] [I][insert witty remark by yours truly][/I] Email your sins to [email]fpanonymousconfess@gmail.com[/email] [B]using a disposable email service like Guerrillamail(see above)[/B] [B]Don't announce which confession is yours, dummy.[/B][/QUOTE] [editline]12th September 2017[/editline] I once shat my pants at school in kindergarten and walked around with the shit in my pants until I was picked up from school
:what:
This is a confession, but I make no apologies. This post is over 6000 words regarding my racist tendencies and anger. If you aren’t prepared to read all of it, don’t read any of it. Talking about this, even in the form of writing is very difficult as I have a lot to say, but unfortunately due to the topic at hand, it's not something that I can just go ask some stranger, professor, or friend to talk about. It's a damned shame, because more than anything I just want to be understood, to be heard and in turn understand the perspectives of another, I want sympathy, I want someone to listen to what I say without judgement, without the stigma, because I feel a certain way about certain things, but it is impossible for me to understand why I feel this way and answer other questions about my beliefs, because I do not think that if I tried to talk to someone about this, they would even give me the time of day. They would laugh at me, call me a stupid bigot, think of me differently, and generally ostracize me. It's difficult and infuriating because I honestly don't think I deserve that kind of treatment once you get down to it. My beliefs are little more than subconscious habit, a guilty tendency. I didn't choose to feel this way, it's just the way I feel. I think that in this day and age, the terms "racist" "bigot" and "xenophobe", "Islamophobia" etc. (oh boy, you know where this wall of text is headed now don’t you?) are absentmindedly thrown around so much as cookie-cutter insults that for people like me, who would actually identify with one or more of those terms, it seems like owning up to it and admitting it, even for the cause of just getting a better understanding of "why am I this way" would just result in nothing more than a shunning and.... Basically what I am saying is that it is difficult to try to get a dialogue started when it seems that the people whose opinions and thoughts I want to hear would be the first ones to just shout at me and leave in a self-righteous, zealous, masturbatory "holier than thou" flurry. It makes me fucking livid that to me at least, people often take one side of this "politically correct" spectrum simply because it is politically correct, and they are protected by their virtue signalling and mob PC mentality, without actually having a real, true understanding or desire to understand or persuade others in regards to this topic, their grasp on the subject is child-level at best. Some of these people can't even define racism correctly (I’m looking at you, Pat Bidol and Judith H. Katz) and yet simply because they have more socially accepted values they trot around as heroes of the day who have it all figured out. What I value is not so much the belief, but the rationale and source of that belief, I care less for the conclusion, and more for the path to that conclusion. Any conclusion is meaningless and untrustworthy unless you can explain and understand how you got there. I respect a thoughtful and educated asshole more than any kind and “understanding" (quite ironic sometimes) person who has the "right point of view" but can't explain why they have that point of view, or why that point of view is actually right at all. Essentially, fuck bandwagoners. If you can't back up your views with some decent thoughts, and if your instinct when reading this is "lol fuck this raciss dumbass tryna validate his bigotry" then just keep your snide, uneducated comments to yourself. Seeing SJW's acting like entitled and vindictive fools, whose only involvement in the modern socio-political discourse consists of slinging terms like "xenophobe" and "bigot" without thought just make me feel like I must be on the right track, if the other path has cretins of that caliber. The kind of intellectually lazy, self-affirming fools who are more than glad to be on the "right side of history" only because it means they will never have to engage in a serious discussion when instead they can act like they win by default via their "superior and tolerant" virtues. Like most people would want to help drug addicts right? Because being a drug addict is bad. So if the goal is to have less drug addicts, then the reasonable approach in my eyes would be taking them in and giving them advice, support and your compassion. After all the drug addict, to me at least, is a product of circumstance, someone who fell victim to the allures of intoxicating pleasures. Someone who probably never intended to become a drug addict, after all when asking young children what they want to be when they grow up, I guarantee no one would say “I want to slowly lose my life, relationships, money and worldview by succumbing to substance abuse!” Then how can it be, when we want less racists for instance, that we choose the path of hating and socially discarding those who have succumbed to the hate? If a racist is bad primarily because they view a group of people as nothing more than trash, not worthy of even being understood, judging someone purely based on one aspect of their existence, is there no irony in applying the same type of shallow hate towards a swathe of people with the exact same lack of understanding that you chastised them for? Perhaps it is because racists for example have a history of negatively impacting others. Let me try to exercise some empathy here and say that for some people, they could absolutely hate a drug addict who as an individual hasn’t done anything to them personally. Maybe for example their mother was killed by a drug addict, and they care less for an addict’s excuses and story, and only for the effects of their collective existence. I suppose I could understand that to an extent, viewing such people as a cancer to be gotten rid of, not worth the effort or money of rehabilitation. However, how would that person feel towards a drug addict who begs for help and understanding, for a drug addict who can’t clearly answer or remember how or why he got this way, for the drug addict who kept his various lives separate and despite his twisted mind would never let such things enter his social life or interactions, and never let such things exit the deepest, most secretive nook of his personal life… What then? So what I am asking you before getting into the meat of my inquiries, is to please respect my vulnerability here in admitting all this to you so nakedly, respect the authenticity of my thoughts and how they were formed in just the same way that you formed your own opinions, and respect that everyone has at least some capacity for personal change. If you can do that, then I will listen to you with an open heart and mind, I will think deeply about what you say, and read what you suggest I should read, because I WANT to get to the bottom of this, I WANT to have someone explain and help me understand what I am feeling without judgement or harshness. Maybe i'm just a big fucking baby who can't take criticism, but to me, and in my eyes at least, I have this belief set because of.... Well I don't know. That is part of what I am asking for help on. Sometimes I feel as though my distaste and hatred is validated by my experiences, other times I feel more sympathetic and accepting. I don't think that anyone is born racist (although to be academically honest, we should understand that people are born with natural social tendencies to have various ingroups and outgroups, and people are also born with tendencies to distrust those that look less similar to them due to how our brains process social information of another person's face, so when those two tendencies overlap it kind of makes sense to me from a psychological standpoint). So please don't act as if I get off on being a bigot, or that I grew up trying to be some "evil hateful racist". It's just how I ended up. Everyone who knows me personally knows nothing of my thoughts written here. To the outside world and everything and everyone that I interact with, I am the most loving, charitable, forgiving and understanding fellow. As I will remind you later, these thoughts of mine really only surface under specific circumstances and even then they are nothing more than thoughts. That being said, I really dislike how my thoughts makes me feel. These beliefs of mine are "icky" to me more often than not, probably because I have been conditioned throughout school, family and friends, to believe and behave the exact opposite. I have a lot of discriminatory hate in my heart and despite various attempts I just can't find a way to purge such feelings. I didn't seek to become this way. Then to continue with this discussion, we have to confront the issue of how we decide to judge others. For instance would you mock or judge or hate a disabled man for not being able to walk? Probably not, because he had no choice in the matter. Even if he is objectively "less" in some regards, how is it right to hate a man simply because of the destiny fate has chosen for him? But what about someone who believes in something commonly considered evil? Most would absolutely mock and judge, but what they are forgetting to take into account is the origin and source before judging, like they did with the handicapped person. It puzzles me how people won't hesitate to critique and shun someone holding a set of beliefs, when in my eyes those beliefs are as little a choice as being born crippled! I suppose this might eventually come down to the classic conundrum of free will and to what extent peoples belief sets are chosen for them due to circumstance, surroundings and fate. And even with a certain degree of free will, surely those choices we make for ourselves are hugely influenced by our experiences? And can you judge someone for their life experiences which were thrown at them? If not, then how can you judge someone for the resultant changes in their thought patterns? I believe that at the very least, regardless of the answers to the questions above, if you must judge someone for an action, much less a thought, I think you should try to have an understanding of their experiences, their rationale, their “story”. This “why” question matters because it explains how we arrived at the “what”. Continuing, let's say hypothetically (truly hypothetically, I do not actually believe this to any serious degree) that racism is something you are born with. Would you still judge? If the person had no say in the matter and couldn't help themselves from thinking that way? "But!" I already hear you cry, "Being a handicapped person makes you a victim! Worthy of pity! And they are doing no wrong! Being a racist, even if you had no choice in the matter, makes you a tyrant! A discriminating, rude, hate-minded tyrant! There can be no sympathy for such beings, they are a detriment to society and the cause of many cruelties throughout history!" Very well then, that is a fair point. But then what if I told you that the tyrant you so hate did indeed have hate in his heart, but did not have the heart to act on such tendencies in any manner? If the racist kept such thoughts to themselves, if they did not let it impact their decisions, if they (even begrudgingly) treated all people with equal respect, even though in their heart of hearts they had a distaste for a certain race of people or religion or what have you, would you still judge them the same? Are the impotent hateful thoughts of a fellow human still worthy of disgust? If the host of such thoughts had no say in the matter (insofar as to how those racist tendencies came to them), and such thoughts never left the brain or altered their habits, does it make sense to hold the same grade of distaste? Or any distaste for that matter? Perhaps it is the perceived capacity for negative action that some would say warrants such a reaction from others, for example: "Yes it is true that you act as we do, treating others equally, but because you have thoughts of such hate, we can never truly trust you because there is a chance of those thoughts one day becoming action!" Well if that is your reasoning, then I ask: if someone's racist, xenophobic tendencies are truly benign, if you knew that such thoughts would never impact action, and you knew that they did not ever seek to believe in such things, but through fate and fortune alone they did: Is there any legitimate, logical reason to hold the bearer of those thoughts in a bad light? Whatever answer you have, does it apply to other thoughts one may have? How about a pedophile? If someone admitted they had a sexual attraction to children, but for whatever reason, for the sake of this discussion, you knew beyond a reasonable doubt that such thoughts would never translate to action, could you find a logical reason to see them negatively? If the only difference detected in the world at every level before and after learning of this person's thought pattern was your own awareness of their thoughts, meaning that the only thing that their awful thoughts ever impacted was your knowledge of the presence of such awful thoughts in an others mind, is it still a "bad" thought? Would you hate them for it? Is a thought that is only a thought worthy of hate? Worthy of reprisals? Worthy of concern? This question is a confusing one to me, and I think it should be one for you as well. Haven't you ever had passing thoughts of murder or revenge? I know it is not something people want to admit, but if you told me that you had never become so enraged that you entertained in your own mind the plotting of someone else's death purely for your own mental enjoyment, without any real intention of carrying anything like that out, I simply would not believe you. So for this reason I beg whoever reads this to understand that these thoughts of mine are only that; thoughts. Thoughts I cannot help myself from thinking, thoughts that I do not want to have, because they make me feel like an outsider, thoughts that make me concerned for my future and the direction of my morality. I cannot simply discard these thoughts through will alone because I need more than “It’s the right way of thinking”. I need arguments, I need reasoning, I need to know and believe for myself beyond a reasonable doubt that one way of thinking holds objectively more water than another. I am simply one of those people that refuses to bow to the will of the populous, I will not compromise my own individual thoughts and yield to the tides of society just for society's sake. I will never believe something, or think a certain way, simply because it is popular, because it is the "accepted" way of thinking. I think that anyone who simply drinks the kool-aid of conformity and sacrifices their own judgement in doing so is more dangerous to society and more of a fool then I will ever be, and I have almost no respect for those who follow blindly without thinking, just because buying into the groupthink offers affirmation, safety and comfort. I don't want safety in numbers, I want the truth and nothing less, and if that means I become some outcast because of my beliefs so be it. I will die on whatever hill the real truth lies under, alone or not, and I will die on whatever hill I understand most completely and rings most true to me, and that’s all there is to it. So, after so much preface, let us talk about the cause of all this mess of text. Where do my beliefs lie? Well, I certainly don't like people in general. Let’s start there. I hate humans, even myself. When I am alone (I often am) I realize how silly so much of humanity is, how fake things are, how awful our current existence is. I suppose that’s why I do drugs whenever I get the chance, I just want to change my brain into anything other than what it is now. I feel like the cliche goth middle-schooler when I say “existence is pain”, but I’ve gotten this far into understanding and explaining myself only due to my honesty. I suppose all this makes me a misanthropist, I believe the term is. And as a side note, when you think about it the social view of misanthropists is quite strange. It is strange in that they are held to be less offensive, less off putting, endearing even, as opposed to racists. How can it be that someone who hates all of humanity is preferable to someone who hates only a certain race? Or a certain religion? Surely a violent misanthropist would cause more pain on the world than any violent racist, for they have their net cast far wider. Perhaps it is in part due to history, and the lack of large-scale misanthropic violence, that causes people to treat them as less of a threat and therefore less offensive. Perhaps it is that their hatred is more indiscriminate, and less targeted. On one hand, a misanthropist hating you for being a human is almost laughable because not only are they a human themselves, so how could you take someone with such a self-destructive worldview seriously, but also because it is less personal. Being a human is a trait you share with literally all other humans in that have ever existed. You don’t need to look far for a comrade, and this dampens the perceived threat. While a racists views and violence are far more personal. Because race has been created and identified to subdivide the human species, when dealing with other humans at a larger socio-political scale, you probably care more about your racial identity than your human identity, as your racial identity is more unique and specific to you, just as we take into account our class, educational background, and age range for example. By writing this, I realize that I have learned a cruel fact, and that is: Once you invent a way to divide and classify humans, that division will never, ever go away. I suppose that division makes conquering them all the easier. Anyways, as I was saying, a racists hate seems more refined, and therefore more developed, and more threatening. Thanks to modern day identity politics, when people interact on the larger scale they often think of themselves and others as a race, class etc. rather than just a human like everyone else.* The amount of people you can turn to for brotherly support when confronted with racial hatred is also far fewer. But to go against this line of reasoning, if you are a person experiencing hate or violence from another, does it make a difference what their reasoning is? If a misanthropist and racist both assail your existence, with the same amount of true unyielding hate, if they both beat you with clubs for being who you are, how does it make sense to hate in return one more than the other, if both are equal threats at present? *(Maybe identity politics has much to do with causing my caustic view of other races? Teaching people to treat some races differently, claiming that some are underprivileged etc. and just separating people by race in general seems like a blatant cause of racial tensions and, unavoidably, racists. From personal experience, and from what I have seen of others, racists today act out of fear for their own race. When hundreds of thousands of culturally incompatible muslims flood into Europe, receiving preferential treatment to Ukrainians, for example, who not only are better allies to have against Russia, but also have far more similar cultural standards, how could one not feel that their race, their culture, their way of living is being threatened? When one’s own land and one's own culture will be irreparably tainted by others! When one race is benefited at the cost of another's, take Affirmative Action for example, and your race is then getting the short end of the stick, how could you not feel slighted? How could you not get angry at those who encroach, on those who endanger “your” people. And the absurd audacity of those who would say that “it’s wrong to identify with your race in that way” when your race is the one endangered! When people get treated differently due to their race, how dare you say they have no right to be furious! How can you honestly say that some races are allowed to benefit from obvious racial discrimination and others aren't! The same people who allegedly hate racial discrimination!) But I digress, I am here to talk about racism, about xenophobia, about why I have my “in” and “out” groups set up as they are. I should add, unfortunately, another layer of complexity to my situation. I never harbor hate towards the individual (generally, unless they are deserving of hate that is, I am sure we all hate some people) when it comes to race or religion. On a day to day basis, in person to person interactions, even when racist thoughts seep into my mind, I treat all people equally, with respect and civility without even trying. Even when I get enraged at a certain race, if I was confronted with a person of that race I would hold no ill-will towards the individual, because they are a human just like I, only a cog in the machine. It is the greater machine that I hate. I go days being social with strangers without even thinking about race. I have friends from many races, religions, backgrounds, etc. When someone is right in front of me, by default I see the individual, the human, the person with a backstory, the friend, the colleague. Only when people bring up the topic of race do I get defensive (and offense is the best defense). Only when I see huge swathes of people that are a different race than me, do I get angry. When someone talks about immigration I get angry because I have lived in a multicultural neighborhood, and gone to a multicultural school. Let me tell you, as someone who has lived it firsthand, diversity is a fucking ploy with no benefits to anyone other than leeches and the lazy. These feelings of mine are not fear of the unknown. My anger, my fury, my rage, is a real legitimate and grounded anger, that I think all people can understand if they practice some empathy. And this anger is due to the immediate presence or imminent presence of many people from what I consider to be an inferior culture, which unfortunately is tied rather strongly to race. If I could, I would simply hate a certain culture, for instance I hate the hoodlum trashy gangbanger culture and all the degeneracy it brings (Yeah go ahead and get uppity about how it’s rude to call a culture “degenerate” but just try to tell me with a straight face that socially acceptable woman beatings, a single-mother family tree, and the glorification and commonplace encouragement of criminal activities such as stealing, robbing and raping is nothing other than absolutely inferior and backwards. I’m not sorry I have reasonable standards for what a society should act like), however this culture is almost exclusive to African Americans. To re-iterate, if it were possible and practical to hate the culture and not the ethnicity I would, but the reality is that they are currently intertwined, at least in America. It is unfortunate and saddening that they have collectively created and tacitly agreed on what “Black” culture is. But it goes from saddening to enraging when they spread like a cancer. Not only black people, but any group of people that practically invades without respect for the local culture or the people’s way of life. They do not assimilate, they do not adapt, they simply import their incompatible culture, consume more than they contribute and breed like rats to turn a family into a clan, a clan into a section eight apartment complex that gets progressively filthier, and an apartment complex into a city block. I am sick of “our” neighborhoods becoming “their” neighborhoods. I am sick of driving down the street and seeing what once was a place that I felt at home turn into row after row of stores with all the signs only in Spanish. I am sick of walking down the street of what is now “little Somalia” and passing groups of cackling veiled women screeching in an ugly and annoying language (have you noticed how they wail and how they stink?). I am sick of biking around the neighborhood and getting hollered at by a swerving car filled with Black hoodlums blasting shitty mumble rap that is always about drugs, “bitches” and shooting the other gang(s). I am sick of seeing the crime figures increase as the proportion of white residents decrease. I can’t help but notice that their streets are always littered, the way they talk to one another and argue is childlike and usually devolves into shouting, screaming and light violence, and they actively mock and shame people who do not fit the stereotype, the people who rise above, who seek education and peace, I have seen them constantly belittled. Maybe it is because the lower achievers rightfully have some jealousy, but I find it hard to be accepting or understanding of their behavior when you should only be wishing the best for your fellow neighbors and friends. I get it though. To an extent if I moved somewhere else I would want to feel as if I were at the home I recently departed. But I wouldn’t create an enclave of violence and regressiveness, I would at least try to learn the local language and pick up on the customs. In Boy Scouts, we were taught to leave an area better than when we arrived. From what I have seen, and I have seen more than my fair share, they leave nothing but trash, in both litter and human form in their wake. These are not my people, and to be honest I can’t help but feel as if my people are better in almost every way. Go ahead and judge me, I don’t give a damn. If, no, when the same things happen to your childhood neighborhood you might finally understand what it’s like to be overrun by somebody objectively worse. How would you fucking like it if you returned to what once was your home, that in the past was filled with people that you could inherently trust because you had similar values - with people that smiled at you as you went by, and instead you arrive to a filthy littered street home to a group of basketball-short sagging, rap blaring, self-proclaimed “gangbangers” who ask you what you are doing walking around in their hood while talking a pull from a forty ounce. It’s no coincidence that the people who push for “diversity”, “inclusion”, and “multiculturalism” have almost no real-world experience with those people they so desire in their country. They live in the suburbs and in mansions, virtue signalling and peddling foolish ideals to others who have a similarly comfortable distance from the chaos and degradation they inevitably create. The blind leading the blind, out-of-touch ever so pious and tolerant politicians, fools without regard for the results of their short-sighted and ill thought out actions, fishing for votes from equally idealistic and naive SJW’s who have never even left the confines of Tumblr and their local BLM movement which just so happens to be a circlejerk of 95% middle class white kids who hate their own race and allow themselves to be bullied by virtue signalling morons with no real arguments or logical basis. The oppression olympics and hypocritically intolerant extravaganza hugbox. Let me be clear. You will never hear an inner city resident ask for more diversity. You will never hear someone who has had an influx of immigrants or refugees say “More please! I can’t get enough of these people! They are oh so pleasant and peaceful and are fitting in just great! I love it when strange foreigners dump their shitty culture and people right next door!” I suppose it all boils down to fear and self-preservation. However I would argue that my fear is reasoned and not just fabricated, not just imagined. There are visible and growing threats to our countries, threats to our communities, threats to our peoples success and survival, even direct threats to our lives (Allahu Akbar) that have been invited in with open arms by nescient peoples whose only concern is being on the “right side of history”. A damned foolish goal, considering the way the pendulum is swinging now. To these up and coming demographics, all white people are seemingly born evil and will forever exist on the “wrong” side of history. Today, people with my skin color are openly vilified, and it is socially acceptable even in the mainstream media to put us down and constantly remind us and hold us personally responsible for the infractions of our ancestors (only our infractions however, no one cares to acknowledge the horrors, atrocities and unforgivable barbarism that their people committed and still commit to this day. These people will never let go of “but muh slavery” even when it is literally irrelevant to the situation, but will also not do anything to stop the slavery that continues to this day between their own peoples overseas. How can they have any black pride when they allow to this day genocide and enslavement overseas between Africans?). I guarantee you that if you altered headlines that bash the white race and changed “white” to “black”, there would be national outcries of overt and hurtful racism, and probably more than a few “protests” where the peaceful kind hearted protesters loot and burn stores for basic survival necessities like sneakers and televisions. They don’t care if your specific lineage had nothing to do with slavery, and when you point it out, they like to ignore that your ancestors fought one of the bloodiest wars in human history and died in mountains and swathes of good-hearted volunteers to abolish slavery and free their ungrateful, selfish ass. They will give you no thanks or gratitude for that, because “you personally had nothing to do with it” but good luck trying to convince them to apply that same logic to the supposed “original sin” of whites. They will have no gratitude towards the white man for stopping the practice that all races created and took part in together. They will have no gratitude because it does not serve them, because they cannot profit off of it. Because they survive off of not their own sweat, not their own drive and determination, they survive off of guilting others for the sins of those long deceased, whose only similarity is the color of their skin. They will keep recycling the narrative that whites are to blame for all the evils, all the wrongdoings, and all the inequality in the world. They will do this because the longer they can dodge the terror of personal responsibility for their actions and success, the longer they can live the easy life of public sympathy and government benefits. They say they want equality, which they have been given the opportunity to achieve, but they don’t, they want endless reparations. This is why I have such hate for their collective. And that’s my shitpost I guess, that certainly started off more reasonable and “tempered” and quickly devolved into… I suppose that’s what happens when I let out years of subdued anger, years of frustration at helplessly watching our beloved communities decay. Years of staying silent because people are getting so high off of their own presumed moral perfection that they are blind to the ugly realities and results of their ignorant and one-dimensional diversity crusade. Right now, in the heat of the moment, I am not sorry for what I have said, because these feelings are as real as the sky above or the ground you walk on. I feel contempt and acrimony down to the marrow of my bones and the sinews of my heart. I can’t just choose not to feel them, if it was that simple, I wouldn’t be writing this. In case you couldn’t tell this whole subject is more than a little sensitive. But hey, maybe this, all of this, is simply my brain's way of alleviating guilt. Maybe, I am not only dumb enough to be a racist and give into the fearmongering, but I am so dumb and cowardly that I use a facade of inquisitiveness to allow myself to continue to think such things. Perhaps I think that by asking questions, by writing this, then at least my subconscious can continue to hold untrue and cruel beliefs because “If i’m going to be a racist, I may as well be a pseudo-intellectual racist! How could anyone hate someone genuinely seeking repentance and the truth!” It would be very convenient for me at least, as then I would be able to have my cake and eat it too, holding terrible views while feeling not the guilt that should come with it, for as long as I ask questions, my mind must surely not be made up. And if my mind is not made up, then I am not a lost cause. Not an unrecoverable wretch, just a part-time wretch. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do with my anger. I just want some advice, I want someone to tell me something along the lines of “You have some valid concerns and certainly you have thought about this very much. However, the thing you are not taking into account is X.” Because look at it from my point of view, I have a set of conditions that influenced my perspective. I simply don’t like where I ended up, mentally. But the thing is, I can’t get out of this mindset on my own. I can’t simply ignore the things that caused such thinking in the first place. It’s not possible for me to prove myself wrong for instance, because like simple math, fear plus conflict equals hate. I can’t get past my fears because they are being realized in real life all around me, they are not irrational fears. I can’t get past the conflict because also all around me is an ongoing social debate where people are resorting to logically hollow virtue signalling and hypocrisy to decide who is right and who is evil. So how can I break this equation? How can I use the same set of inputs to get a different output? Maybe the “tolerant” world has some higher level of brain power that allows them to ignore the bad. Maybe I am too “ignorant” to simply find the missing puzzle piece within my brain, the very obvious (to others at least) facet of this situation that allows “normal” people to be “good” people. Please just throw me a bone here, because I don’t know HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THIS, I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW NOT TO.
Oh man, this thread is a riot when BDA posted it [del]first[/del] back in 2015. I really hope we get traction again on it.
[QUOTE=gibdiscordplz;52693373]This is a confession, but I make no apologies. This post is over 6000 words regarding my racist tendencies and anger. If you aren’t prepared to read all of it, don’t read any of it. Talking about this, even in the form of writing is very difficult as I have a lot to say, but unfortunately due to the topic at hand, it's not something that I can just go ask some stranger, professor, or friend to talk about. It's a damned shame, because more than anything I just want to be understood, to be heard and in turn understand the perspectives of another, I want sympathy, I want someone to listen to what I say without judgement, without the stigma, because I feel a certain way about certain things, but it is impossible for me to understand why I feel this way and answer other questions about my beliefs, because I do not think that if I tried to talk to someone about this, they would even give me the time of day. They would laugh at me, call me a stupid bigot, think of me differently, and generally ostracize me. It's difficult and infuriating because I honestly don't think I deserve that kind of treatment once you get down to it. My beliefs are little more than subconscious habit, a guilty tendency. I didn't choose to feel this way, it's just the way I feel. I think that in this day and age, the terms "racist" "bigot" and "xenophobe", "Islamophobia" etc. (oh boy, you know where this wall of text is headed now don’t you?) are absentmindedly thrown around so much as cookie-cutter insults that for people like me, who would actually identify with one or more of those terms, it seems like owning up to it and admitting it, even for the cause of just getting a better understanding of "why am I this way" would just result in nothing more than a shunning and.... Basically what I am saying is that it is difficult to try to get a dialogue started when it seems that the people whose opinions and thoughts I want to hear would be the first ones to just shout at me and leave in a self-righteous, zealous, masturbatory "holier than thou" flurry. It makes me fucking livid that to me at least, people often take one side of this "politically correct" spectrum simply because it is politically correct, and they are protected by their virtue signalling and mob PC mentality, without actually having a real, true understanding or desire to understand or persuade others in regards to this topic, their grasp on the subject is child-level at best. Some of these people can't even define racism correctly (I’m looking at you, Pat Bidol and Judith H. Katz) and yet simply because they have more socially accepted values they trot around as heroes of the day who have it all figured out. What I value is not so much the belief, but the rationale and source of that belief, I care less for the conclusion, and more for the path to that conclusion. Any conclusion is meaningless and untrustworthy unless you can explain and understand how you got there. I respect a thoughtful and educated asshole more than any kind and “understanding" (quite ironic sometimes) person who has the "right point of view" but can't explain why they have that point of view, or why that point of view is actually right at all. Essentially, fuck bandwagoners. If you can't back up your views with some decent thoughts, and if your instinct when reading this is "lol fuck this raciss dumbass tryna validate his bigotry" then just keep your snide, uneducated comments to yourself. Seeing SJW's acting like entitled and vindictive fools, whose only involvement in the modern socio-political discourse consists of slinging terms like "xenophobe" and "bigot" without thought just make me feel like I must be on the right track, if the other path has cretins of that caliber. The kind of intellectually lazy, self-affirming fools who are more than glad to be on the "right side of history" only because it means they will never have to engage in a serious discussion when instead they can act like they win by default via their "superior and tolerant" virtues. Like most people would want to help drug addicts right? Because being a drug addict is bad. So if the goal is to have less drug addicts, then the reasonable approach in my eyes would be taking them in and giving them advice, support and your compassion. After all the drug addict, to me at least, is a product of circumstance, someone who fell victim to the allures of intoxicating pleasures. Someone who probably never intended to become a drug addict, after all when asking young children what they want to be when they grow up, I guarantee no one would say “I want to slowly lose my life, relationships, money and worldview by succumbing to substance abuse!” Then how can it be, when we want less racists for instance, that we choose the path of hating and socially discarding those who have succumbed to the hate? If a racist is bad primarily because they view a group of people as nothing more than trash, not worthy of even being understood, judging someone purely based on one aspect of their existence, is there no irony in applying the same type of shallow hate towards a swathe of people with the exact same lack of understanding that you chastised them for? Perhaps it is because racists for example have a history of negatively impacting others. Let me try to exercise some empathy here and say that for some people, they could absolutely hate a drug addict who as an individual hasn’t done anything to them personally. Maybe for example their mother was killed by a drug addict, and they care less for an addict’s excuses and story, and only for the effects of their collective existence. I suppose I could understand that to an extent, viewing such people as a cancer to be gotten rid of, not worth the effort or money of rehabilitation. However, how would that person feel towards a drug addict who begs for help and understanding, for a drug addict who can’t clearly answer or remember how or why he got this way, for the drug addict who kept his various lives separate and despite his twisted mind would never let such things enter his social life or interactions, and never let such things exit the deepest, most secretive nook of his personal life… What then? So what I am asking you before getting into the meat of my inquiries, is to please respect my vulnerability here in admitting all this to you so nakedly, respect the authenticity of my thoughts and how they were formed in just the same way that you formed your own opinions, and respect that everyone has at least some capacity for personal change. If you can do that, then I will listen to you with an open heart and mind, I will think deeply about what you say, and read what you suggest I should read, because I WANT to get to the bottom of this, I WANT to have someone explain and help me understand what I am feeling without judgement or harshness. Maybe i'm just a big fucking baby who can't take criticism, but to me, and in my eyes at least, I have this belief set because of.... Well I don't know. That is part of what I am asking for help on. Sometimes I feel as though my distaste and hatred is validated by my experiences, other times I feel more sympathetic and accepting. I don't think that anyone is born racist (although to be academically honest, we should understand that people are born with natural social tendencies to have various ingroups and outgroups, and people are also born with tendencies to distrust those that look less similar to them due to how our brains process social information of another person's face, so when those two tendencies overlap it kind of makes sense to me from a psychological standpoint). So please don't act as if I get off on being a bigot, or that I grew up trying to be some "evil hateful racist". It's just how I ended up. Everyone who knows me personally knows nothing of my thoughts written here. To the outside world and everything and everyone that I interact with, I am the most loving, charitable, forgiving and understanding fellow. As I will remind you later, these thoughts of mine really only surface under specific circumstances and even then they are nothing more than thoughts. That being said, I really dislike how my thoughts makes me feel. These beliefs of mine are "icky" to me more often than not, probably because I have been conditioned throughout school, family and friends, to believe and behave the exact opposite. I have a lot of discriminatory hate in my heart and despite various attempts I just can't find a way to purge such feelings. I didn't seek to become this way. Then to continue with this discussion, we have to confront the issue of how we decide to judge others. For instance would you mock or judge or hate a disabled man for not being able to walk? Probably not, because he had no choice in the matter. Even if he is objectively "less" in some regards, how is it right to hate a man simply because of the destiny fate has chosen for him? But what about someone who believes in something commonly considered evil? Most would absolutely mock and judge, but what they are forgetting to take into account is the origin and source before judging, like they did with the handicapped person. It puzzles me how people won't hesitate to critique and shun someone holding a set of beliefs, when in my eyes those beliefs are as little a choice as being born crippled! I suppose this might eventually come down to the classic conundrum of free will and to what extent peoples belief sets are chosen for them due to circumstance, surroundings and fate. And even with a certain degree of free will, surely those choices we make for ourselves are hugely influenced by our experiences? And can you judge someone for their life experiences which were thrown at them? If not, then how can you judge someone for the resultant changes in their thought patterns? I believe that at the very least, regardless of the answers to the questions above, if you must judge someone for an action, much less a thought, I think you should try to have an understanding of their experiences, their rationale, their “story”. This “why” question matters because it explains how we arrived at the “what”. Continuing, let's say hypothetically (truly hypothetically, I do not actually believe this to any serious degree) that racism is something you are born with. Would you still judge? If the person had no say in the matter and couldn't help themselves from thinking that way? "But!" I already hear you cry, "Being a handicapped person makes you a victim! Worthy of pity! And they are doing no wrong! Being a racist, even if you had no choice in the matter, makes you a tyrant! A discriminating, rude, hate-minded tyrant! There can be no sympathy for such beings, they are a detriment to society and the cause of many cruelties throughout history!" Very well then, that is a fair point. But then what if I told you that the tyrant you so hate did indeed have hate in his heart, but did not have the heart to act on such tendencies in any manner? If the racist kept such thoughts to themselves, if they did not let it impact their decisions, if they (even begrudgingly) treated all people with equal respect, even though in their heart of hearts they had a distaste for a certain race of people or religion or what have you, would you still judge them the same? Are the impotent hateful thoughts of a fellow human still worthy of disgust? If the host of such thoughts had no say in the matter (insofar as to how those racist tendencies came to them), and such thoughts never left the brain or altered their habits, does it make sense to hold the same grade of distaste? Or any distaste for that matter? Perhaps it is the perceived capacity for negative action that some would say warrants such a reaction from others, for example: "Yes it is true that you act as we do, treating others equally, but because you have thoughts of such hate, we can never truly trust you because there is a chance of those thoughts one day becoming action!" Well if that is your reasoning, then I ask: if someone's racist, xenophobic tendencies are truly benign, if you knew that such thoughts would never impact action, and you knew that they did not ever seek to believe in such things, but through fate and fortune alone they did: Is there any legitimate, logical reason to hold the bearer of those thoughts in a bad light? Whatever answer you have, does it apply to other thoughts one may have? How about a pedophile? If someone admitted they had a sexual attraction to children, but for whatever reason, for the sake of this discussion, you knew beyond a reasonable doubt that such thoughts would never translate to action, could you find a logical reason to see them negatively? If the only difference detected in the world at every level before and after learning of this person's thought pattern was your own awareness of their thoughts, meaning that the only thing that their awful thoughts ever impacted was your knowledge of the presence of such awful thoughts in an others mind, is it still a "bad" thought? Would you hate them for it? Is a thought that is only a thought worthy of hate? Worthy of reprisals? Worthy of concern? This question is a confusing one to me, and I think it should be one for you as well. Haven't you ever had passing thoughts of murder or revenge? I know it is not something people want to admit, but if you told me that you had never become so enraged that you entertained in your own mind the plotting of someone else's death purely for your own mental enjoyment, without any real intention of carrying anything like that out, I simply would not believe you. So for this reason I beg whoever reads this to understand that these thoughts of mine are only that; thoughts. Thoughts I cannot help myself from thinking, thoughts that I do not want to have, because they make me feel like an outsider, thoughts that make me concerned for my future and the direction of my morality. I cannot simply discard these thoughts through will alone because I need more than “It’s the right way of thinking”. I need arguments, I need reasoning, I need to know and believe for myself beyond a reasonable doubt that one way of thinking holds objectively more water than another. I am simply one of those people that refuses to bow to the will of the populous, I will not compromise my own individual thoughts and yield to the tides of society just for society's sake. I will never believe something, or think a certain way, simply because it is popular, because it is the "accepted" way of thinking. I think that anyone who simply drinks the kool-aid of conformity and sacrifices their own judgement in doing so is more dangerous to society and more of a fool then I will ever be, and I have almost no respect for those who follow blindly without thinking, just because buying into the groupthink offers affirmation, safety and comfort. I don't want safety in numbers, I want the truth and nothing less, and if that means I become some outcast because of my beliefs so be it. I will die on whatever hill the real truth lies under, alone or not, and I will die on whatever hill I understand most completely and rings most true to me, and that’s all there is to it. So, after so much preface, let us talk about the cause of all this mess of text. Where do my beliefs lie? Well, I certainly don't like people in general. Let’s start there. I hate humans, even myself. When I am alone (I often am) I realize how silly so much of humanity is, how fake things are, how awful our current existence is. I suppose that’s why I do drugs whenever I get the chance, I just want to change my brain into anything other than what it is now. I feel like the cliche goth middle-schooler when I say “existence is pain”, but I’ve gotten this far into understanding and explaining myself only due to my honesty. I suppose all this makes me a misanthropist, I believe the term is. And as a side note, when you think about it the social view of misanthropists is quite strange. It is strange in that they are held to be less offensive, less off putting, endearing even, as opposed to racists. How can it be that someone who hates all of humanity is preferable to someone who hates only a certain race? Or a certain religion? Surely a violent misanthropist would cause more pain on the world than any violent racist, for they have their net cast far wider. Perhaps it is in part due to history, and the lack of large-scale misanthropic violence, that causes people to treat them as less of a threat and therefore less offensive. Perhaps it is that their hatred is more indiscriminate, and less targeted. On one hand, a misanthropist hating you for being a human is almost laughable because not only are they a human themselves, so how could you take someone with such a self-destructive worldview seriously, but also because it is less personal. Being a human is a trait you share with literally all other humans in that have ever existed. You don’t need to look far for a comrade, and this dampens the perceived threat. While a racists views and violence are far more personal. Because race has been created and identified to subdivide the human species, when dealing with other humans at a larger socio-political scale, you probably care more about your racial identity than your human identity, as your racial identity is more unique and specific to you, just as we take into account our class, educational background, and age range for example. By writing this, I realize that I have learned a cruel fact, and that is: Once you invent a way to divide and classify humans, that division will never, ever go away. I suppose that division makes conquering them all the easier. Anyways, as I was saying, a racists hate seems more refined, and therefore more developed, and more threatening. Thanks to modern day identity politics, when people interact on the larger scale they often think of themselves and others as a race, class etc. rather than just a human like everyone else.* The amount of people you can turn to for brotherly support when confronted with racial hatred is also far fewer. But to go against this line of reasoning, if you are a person experiencing hate or violence from another, does it make a difference what their reasoning is? If a misanthropist and racist both assail your existence, with the same amount of true unyielding hate, if they both beat you with clubs for being who you are, how does it make sense to hate in return one more than the other, if both are equal threats at present? *(Maybe identity politics has much to do with causing my caustic view of other races? Teaching people to treat some races differently, claiming that some are underprivileged etc. and just separating people by race in general seems like a blatant cause of racial tensions and, unavoidably, racists. From personal experience, and from what I have seen of others, racists today act out of fear for their own race. When hundreds of thousands of culturally incompatible muslims flood into Europe, receiving preferential treatment to Ukrainians, for example, who not only are better allies to have against Russia, but also have far more similar cultural standards, how could one not feel that their race, their culture, their way of living is being threatened? When one’s own land and one's own culture will be irreparably tainted by others! When one race is benefited at the cost of another's, take Affirmative Action for example, and your race is then getting the short end of the stick, how could you not feel slighted? How could you not get angry at those who encroach, on those who endanger “your” people. And the absurd audacity of those who would say that “it’s wrong to identify with your race in that way” when your race is the one endangered! When people get treated differently due to their race, how dare you say they have no right to be furious! How can you honestly say that some races are allowed to benefit from obvious racial discrimination and others aren't! The same people who allegedly hate racial discrimination!) But I digress, I am here to talk about racism, about xenophobia, about why I have my “in” and “out” groups set up as they are. I should add, unfortunately, another layer of complexity to my situation. I never harbor hate towards the individual (generally, unless they are deserving of hate that is, I am sure we all hate some people) when it comes to race or religion. On a day to day basis, in person to person interactions, even when racist thoughts seep into my mind, I treat all people equally, with respect and civility without even trying. Even when I get enraged at a certain race, if I was confronted with a person of that race I would hold no ill-will towards the individual, because they are a human just like I, only a cog in the machine. It is the greater machine that I hate. I go days being social with strangers without even thinking about race. I have friends from many races, religions, backgrounds, etc. When someone is right in front of me, by default I see the individual, the human, the person with a backstory, the friend, the colleague. Only when people bring up the topic of race do I get defensive (and offense is the best defense). Only when I see huge swathes of people that are a different race than me, do I get angry. When someone talks about immigration I get angry because I have lived in a multicultural neighborhood, and gone to a multicultural school. Let me tell you, as someone who has lived it firsthand, diversity is a fucking ploy with no benefits to anyone other than leeches and the lazy. These feelings of mine are not fear of the unknown. My anger, my fury, my rage, is a real legitimate and grounded anger, that I think all people can understand if they practice some empathy. And this anger is due to the immediate presence or imminent presence of many people from what I consider to be an inferior culture, which unfortunately is tied rather strongly to race. If I could, I would simply hate a certain culture, for instance I hate the hoodlum trashy gangbanger culture and all the degeneracy it brings (Yeah go ahead and get uppity about how it’s rude to call a culture “degenerate” but just try to tell me with a straight face that socially acceptable woman beatings, a single-mother family tree, and the glorification and commonplace encouragement of criminal activities such as stealing, robbing and raping is nothing other than absolutely inferior and backwards. I’m not sorry I have reasonable standards for what a society should act like), however this culture is almost exclusive to African Americans. To re-iterate, if it were possible and practical to hate the culture and not the ethnicity I would, but the reality is that they are currently intertwined, at least in America. It is unfortunate and saddening that they have collectively created and tacitly agreed on what “Black” culture is. But it goes from saddening to enraging when they spread like a cancer. Not only black people, but any group of people that practically invades without respect for the local culture or the people’s way of life. They do not assimilate, they do not adapt, they simply import their incompatible culture, consume more than they contribute and breed like rats to turn a family into a clan, a clan into a section eight apartment complex that gets progressively filthier, and an apartment complex into a city block. I am sick of “our” neighborhoods becoming “their” neighborhoods. I am sick of driving down the street and seeing what once was a place that I felt at home turn into row after row of stores with all the signs only in Spanish. I am sick of walking down the street of what is now “little Somalia” and passing groups of cackling veiled women screeching in an ugly and annoying language (have you noticed how they wail and how they stink?). I am sick of biking around the neighborhood and getting hollered at by a swerving car filled with Black hoodlums blasting shitty mumble rap that is always about drugs, “bitches” and shooting the other gang(s). I am sick of seeing the crime figures increase as the proportion of white residents decrease. I can’t help but notice that their streets are always littered, the way they talk to one another and argue is childlike and usually devolves into shouting, screaming and light violence, and they actively mock and shame people who do not fit the stereotype, the people who rise above, who seek education and peace, I have seen them constantly belittled. Maybe it is because the lower achievers rightfully have some jealousy, but I find it hard to be accepting or understanding of their behavior when you should only be wishing the best for your fellow neighbors and friends. I get it though. To an extent if I moved somewhere else I would want to feel as if I were at the home I recently departed. But I wouldn’t create an enclave of violence and regressiveness, I would at least try to learn the local language and pick up on the customs. In Boy Scouts, we were taught to leave an area better than when we arrived. From what I have seen, and I have seen more than my fair share, they leave nothing but trash, in both litter and human form in their wake. These are not my people, and to be honest I can’t help but feel as if my people are better in almost every way. Go ahead and judge me, I don’t give a damn. If, no, when the same things happen to your childhood neighborhood you might finally understand what it’s like to be overrun by somebody objectively worse. How would you fucking like it if you returned to what once was your home, that in the past was filled with people that you could inherently trust because you had similar values - with people that smiled at you as you went by, and instead you arrive to a filthy littered street home to a group of basketball-short sagging, rap blaring, self-proclaimed “gangbangers” who ask you what you are doing walking around in their hood while talking a pull from a forty ounce. It’s no coincidence that the people who push for “diversity”, “inclusion”, and “multiculturalism” have almost no real-world experience with those people they so desire in their country. They live in the suburbs and in mansions, virtue signalling and peddling foolish ideals to others who have a similarly comfortable distance from the chaos and degradation they inevitably create. The blind leading the blind, out-of-touch ever so pious and tolerant politicians, fools without regard for the results of their short-sighted and ill thought out actions, fishing for votes from equally idealistic and naive SJW’s who have never even left the confines of Tumblr and their local BLM movement which just so happens to be a circlejerk of 95% middle class white kids who hate their own race and allow themselves to be bullied by virtue signalling morons with no real arguments or logical basis. The oppression olympics and hypocritically intolerant extravaganza hugbox. Let me be clear. You will never hear an inner city resident ask for more diversity. You will never hear someone who has had an influx of immigrants or refugees say “More please! I can’t get enough of these people! They are oh so pleasant and peaceful and are fitting in just great! I love it when strange foreigners dump their shitty culture and people right next door!” I suppose it all boils down to fear and self-preservation. However I would argue that my fear is reasoned and not just fabricated, not just imagined. There are visible and growing threats to our countries, threats to our communities, threats to our peoples success and survival, even direct threats to our lives (Allahu Akbar) that have been invited in with open arms by nescient peoples whose only concern is being on the “right side of history”. A damned foolish goal, considering the way the pendulum is swinging now. To these up and coming demographics, all white people are seemingly born evil and will forever exist on the “wrong” side of history. Today, people with my skin color are openly vilified, and it is socially acceptable even in the mainstream media to put us down and constantly remind us and hold us personally responsible for the infractions of our ancestors (only our infractions however, no one cares to acknowledge the horrors, atrocities and unforgivable barbarism that their people committed and still commit to this day. These people will never let go of “but muh slavery” even when it is literally irrelevant to the situation, but will also not do anything to stop the slavery that continues to this day between their own peoples overseas. How can they have any black pride when they allow to this day genocide and enslavement overseas between Africans?). I guarantee you that if you altered headlines that bash the white race and changed “white” to “black”, there would be national outcries of overt and hurtful racism, and probably more than a few “protests” where the peaceful kind hearted protesters loot and burn stores for basic survival necessities like sneakers and televisions. They don’t care if your specific lineage had nothing to do with slavery, and when you point it out, they like to ignore that your ancestors fought one of the bloodiest wars in human history and died in mountains and swathes of good-hearted volunteers to abolish slavery and free their ungrateful, selfish ass. They will give you no thanks or gratitude for that, because “you personally had nothing to do with it” but good luck trying to convince them to apply that same logic to the supposed “original sin” of whites. They will have no gratitude towards the white man for stopping the practice that all races created and took part in together. They will have no gratitude because it does not serve them, because they cannot profit off of it. Because they survive off of not their own sweat, not their own drive and determination, they survive off of guilting others for the sins of those long deceased, whose only similarity is the color of their skin. They will keep recycling the narrative that whites are to blame for all the evils, all the wrongdoings, and all the inequality in the world. They will do this because the longer they can dodge the terror of personal responsibility for their actions and success, the longer they can live the easy life of public sympathy and government benefits. They say they want equality, which they have been given the opportunity to achieve, but they don’t, they want endless reparations. This is why I have such hate for their collective. And that’s my shitpost I guess, that certainly started off more reasonable and “tempered” and quickly devolved into… I suppose that’s what happens when I let out years of subdued anger, years of frustration at helplessly watching our beloved communities decay. Years of staying silent because people are getting so high off of their own presumed moral perfection that they are blind to the ugly realities and results of their ignorant and one-dimensional diversity crusade. Right now, in the heat of the moment, I am not sorry for what I have said, because these feelings are as real as the sky above or the ground you walk on. I feel contempt and acrimony down to the marrow of my bones and the sinews of my heart. I can’t just choose not to feel them, if it was that simple, I wouldn’t be writing this. In case you couldn’t tell this whole subject is more than a little sensitive. But hey, maybe this, all of this, is simply my brain's way of alleviating guilt. Maybe, I am not only dumb enough to be a racist and give into the fearmongering, but I am so dumb and cowardly that I use a facade of inquisitiveness to allow myself to continue to think such things. Perhaps I think that by asking questions, by writing this, then at least my subconscious can continue to hold untrue and cruel beliefs because “If i’m going to be a racist, I may as well be a pseudo-intellectual racist! How could anyone hate someone genuinely seeking repentance and the truth!” It would be very convenient for me at least, as then I would be able to have my cake and eat it too, holding terrible views while feeling not the guilt that should come with it, for as long as I ask questions, my mind must surely not be made up. And if my mind is not made up, then I am not a lost cause. Not an unrecoverable wretch, just a part-time wretch. I just don’t know anymore. I don’t know what to do with my anger. I just want some advice, I want someone to tell me something along the lines of “You have some valid concerns and certainly you have thought about this very much. However, the thing you are not taking into account is X.” Because look at it from my point of view, I have a set of conditions that influenced my perspective. I simply don’t like where I ended up, mentally. But the thing is, I can’t get out of this mindset on my own. I can’t simply ignore the things that caused such thinking in the first place. It’s not possible for me to prove myself wrong for instance, because like simple math, fear plus conflict equals hate. I can’t get past my fears because they are being realized in real life all around me, they are not irrational fears. I can’t get past the conflict because also all around me is an ongoing social debate where people are resorting to logically hollow virtue signalling and hypocrisy to decide who is right and who is evil. So how can I break this equation? How can I use the same set of inputs to get a different output? Maybe the “tolerant” world has some higher level of brain power that allows them to ignore the bad. Maybe I am too “ignorant” to simply find the missing puzzle piece within my brain, the very obvious (to others at least) facet of this situation that allows “normal” people to be “good” people. Please just throw me a bone here, because I don’t know HOW MANY TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THIS, I DON'T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. I DON’T WANT TO BE THIS WAY. BUT I DON’T KNOW HOW NOT TO.[/QUOTE] Started as a potentially thoughtful social critique on how it's sad that we judge each other so harshly, and on how we need to strive to understand the often ugly thought processes behind the hateful perspectives of white supremacists, but quickly devolved into a multi-paragraph rant about how violent and stupid those stinky rap-listenin' black people are. What a shame. You claim you want sympathy and understanding for your perspectives, but offer none in return. You claim that "your kind" is demonized and vilified, while simultaneously doing the same to entire racial groups. What you are, first and foremost, is a hypocrite. So long as you cannot discuss the "personal plight" of your beliefs without devolving into such toxic and counterproductive narratives, you'll never find the common ground you claim to be looking for. You simply cannot build a platform of respect and understanding on a foundation of aggressive and irrational hatred. The decision to change has to come from [I]you[/I]. Nobody can come and fix you [I]for[/I] you, least of all here on an internet forum. If you truly want to abandon the destructive and oppressive ideology you subscribe to, you first have to choose to start being more critical [I]of yourself.[/I] Nobody else can undo the hot bundle of hate you've wound up inside yourself with a few posts on an internet forum so long as you refuse to truly admit any accountability. You claim to be a victim of your own beliefs, an unwilling passenger who just sees [I]the truth[/I] of the world and is shunned because of it, but you repeatedly thrust the fault of [U]your[/U] toxicity to everybody else. You need to seek therapy.
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