How can I improve my GCSE short story?

[Xenoyia]

Hi all, I'm normally decent with spoken English, but when it comes to writing my own stuff I find it difficult, so some tips to improve would be greatly appreciated.

[url]http://pastebin.com/GCZVrTnH[/url]

My topic is the Roman Empire - but I don't think how I've done it (factually) covers the criteria of a [I]short story[/I]. I only have a week from now, do you think I should rewrite it from scratch and keep it less factual (more dialogue, events etc.), or improve what I already have?

Thanks!

[Metanar]

Is this for English? (English Literature/Language?) (History/Class Civ?)

[Xenoyia]

[QUOTE=Metanar;43115551]Is this for English? (English Literature/Language?) (History/Class Civ?)[/QUOTE]

English Literature, we have to write a short story using themes from the poem Ozymandias

[quote]
I met a traveller from an antique land,
Who said—“Two vast and trunkless legs of stone
Stand in the desert. . . . Near them, on the sand,
Half sunk a shattered visage lies, whose frown,
And wrinkled lip, and sneer of cold command,
Tell that its sculptor well those passions read
Which yet survive, stamped on these lifeless things,
The hand that mocked them, and the heart that fed;
And on the pedestal, these words appear:
My name is Ozymandias, King of Kings;
Look on my Works, ye Mighty, and despair!
Nothing beside remains. Round the decay
Of that colossal Wreck, boundless and bare
The lone and level sands stretch far away.”
[/quote]

I believe the Roman Empire matches up nicely with this poem's theme of transience