It still shudders in my head every time I hear that strange combination of letters that forms such a simple name. How can something so simple make my knees weaken to the point of collapse and calamity? A name that makes my hands tremble, my heart hasten in it’s pace, and my mind crumble when my eyes witness the taste?
Allie.
The name resonates deeper every time.
Allie.
What a simple name.
A simple name that ushers in an empire of emotion. An empire so vast that even I get lost within it’s streets. Even a year since I last saw the face to the name and I still have not been able to outline the complexity in whole; to map those streets that make up this city between my shoulders. The simplicity falls short when the name is taken for. What starts out as a combination of mundane - simple - letters, becomes a series of unique - infinite - possibilities when it is assigned.
I find myself in one of these possibilities.
Maybe I have just arisen too many questions with those first two paragraphs to tackle any specific one first. Trust me as I say this is as hard for me to write and piece together as it is to read. I suppose I should start with allowing myself, the context, to be understood first.
I like to consider myself to be more rational, logical, and reasonable than the other children of my age. In my nineteenth year, I am in the midst of a generation that praises, glorifies, it’s youth in life even though they take for granted the gift that they are so enamored with. They even dilute such phrases like “Carpe Diem” to “You Only Live Once” with their idiocy and ignorance, spouting about how life is filled with brevity and how every moment must be made to last. Yet they delude themselves by living lives of routine carelessness and unflinching corruption. The sad thing is: they don’t even know it. That is quite possibly the worst part of it all - they are all naive.
How can one honestly enjoy or fully absorb all that this wonderful world has to offer, if one believes living a full life includes repeating the same sad, boring act every weekend? If “Carpe Diem” has become a calendered activity every weekend which includes getting intoxicated, party hopping, and the nightly goal of sleeping with another woman, then how can any of them honestly say they are living life to the fullest? Life was not made for the same, but rather the different. And all I see from each of the fellow kids of my age is the same. The same waste of youth.
What I am getting with this is that this generation has soiled many aspects of life. And I have found that none of them treasure anything or hold anything higher than the mundanity of love. This generation thrives on the decaying carcase that love has become, enjoying the bare animal derivative. Like beasts, they strive for everyday to end with a new bag of flesh for them to release their hormones upon. It isn’t even that fact that makes it so sad, but rather the fact that they plan it. They plan for this to happen when they decide to go out every weekend. If they don’t come back with someone new, then that night was a waste, all of it. That is where I believe the true folly of their philosophy on life shows: they do not seize the day but rather what must be produced from it. And nearly every time it must be the production of a new beast in their bed.
What is beautiful in that? Like a record skipping, how can*they not see that they are just in a lapse of repeating agony? After finishing my first year of college, I have grown sick of it. It disgusts me, frankly. This was the very same conversation I had with myself several months back and I came to the conclusion that humans are beasts and beasts never change. I decided that their simple animal instincts will forever plague their ability to find anything more meaningful.
And so like one of my idols, Nikola Tesla, I put the thought of women out of my mind in attempts to better myself and my work. It has so far worked, too, as I haven’t dated anyone for over a year and haven’t had any urge to be a part of a relationship. Yet that hasn’t been what has concerned me. What has been is that I literally have not found a single female attractive over that same period in time. I tried too. I legitimately tried to find a single female that was remotely attractive to me. I couldn’t produce any. Some may have had the aesthetic exterior, but not a lick of intellectual interior. Also, even though I could recognize that their appearances were commonly accepted to be pleasing, I simply could not feel anything for them. Even most of the intellectual ones were pretty, but even they had stains on their integrity. This scared me.
I began to think back at everyone I had dated in high school. On the computer, I found myself pulling up images of past relationships. There was not a single one that I thought was attractive, and I began questioning myself on why I had dated them to start with. Then I pulled up a picture of Allie. I had never dated her, but when I saw the picture my memories all began to flood in. I met her the summer of my sophomore year in high school. Even though I was never really any good, I played in the percussion section of my high school. During that point of my life, I was part of the pit section in marching band (the part of the percussion that plays instruments at the front of the field including marimba, xylophone, and glockenspiel) and I was attending the required summer’s band camp. There I met her. Allie.
I recollect everything perfectly, she joined as a freshman pianist in the pit section, something reasonable as the keys on the piano were the very same as the ones made up on the percussive instruments we played on. Evening on the second day of band camp, I got to actually meet her for the first time. I was playing soccer on some nearby grass, a much more passionate hobby of mine than playing instruments, when she came up asking if she could join. Ever since that moment, I had always had a crush on her.
In all true honesty, she has been the only girl I have ever found to be beautiful. She was intelligent beyond reason, creative more so than any other individual I had seen, nicer than anyone imaginable, and she was even more athletic than I was. And the heavens be damned if she wasn’t the most gorgeous girl I had ever set my eyes on.
While other guys my age had Angelina Jolie, Jennifer Aniston, and Eva Mendes as their upheld epitomes of beauty … I had Allie.
Yet I was not the person I am today back then. I was not mature or anywhere near the definition of smart. That might have been the reason I never asked her out. Maybe I was too afraid. Maybe I did not feel like I was good enough (which I wasn’t). Maybe the circumstances never presented themselves to me. All I know is that if I could be in my sixteen year old shoes again, I would have dumped the girl I had dated from then till I was eighteen just so that I could tell Allie how amazing I really thought she was.
I had opportunities too, I think. As I said before, I was much too immature and stupid to take advantage of it. I remember one time specifically, that I royally fucked up. It was right after I had broken up for a second time with the said girl I had dated (which we had done about three or four times through the course of our relationship; it was a very destructive relationship) and I had texted Allie in search for some guidance on how to deal with the situation. We talked and I had found out that Allie had actually recently broken up with her boyfriend at the time as well. Confidence overtook me and I ended up asking if she wanted to go on a date. She said yes.
That was my first mistake. I was much too riled from the previous relationship to have reasonably been ready to attempt another. Once again, I was much too immature and too stupid then. I remember the date as perfectly as I remember the first time I met her. I remember when I first arrived at her house, going inside and waiting for her at the bottom of the stairs. I remember when she walked down those steps and I saw the most beautiful young lady dolled up in a polka-dot dress. I remember the embarrassment I felt when I looked down at the shoddy clothing I normally wore. I remember watching the movies with her and having the amazing moment of having my arm around her. I remember when we sat outside the local Mexican restaurant for over hour in wait, and it didn’t even matter because we were talking and having a great time. I even remember the meal she had gotten, the massive five dollar taco the size of her head, a taco that was much too large for the girl - but she managed to eat it. And I remember the moment of when I ruined the entire night at that dinner table.
I began to talk about my previous relationship and she had informed me of how my previous girlfriend, who I had only be broken up with for a couple days, had actually hooked up with one of my friends the previous night. Apparently a lot of people knew, except for me and this set off a bomb in my heart. I ruined my opportunity that day by spending the rest of the night talking with Allie as if she was just a friend, only seeking counsel from her for my former relationship. Stupid.
A year-or-so pass and I find myself in my senior year of high school. Through that passing of time, I get back together with that “girlfriend” twice more and we end up breaking up in January for one last and final time. Not having a date for prom, I ask Allie. She said yes. Now, I did not mature at all until I entered college, so even my senior year I was cursed with the mind of an idiot.
When I took Allie to the prom, all that constantly ran through my mind was that she did not want to be there with me. I do not remember why I thought like that and looking back at it I only feel layers of regret, because I let those thoughts plague both my mood and actions. I distanced myself away from Allie during that entire prom and ruined the last moments I would ever have with this perfect girl. Now I am here today and realize that she was truthfully the only girl I had ever been fully attracted to and I honestly believe I will never find another woman quite like her.
This is where I come to a point. I don’t know whether or not it was love, but I took for granted a lot of things in high school and it lead to me ruining an opportunity to be with someone I truthfully thought was amazing. If we allow ourselves to throw away relationships at this age and turn sex into some trivial thing, we will all miss the opportunities to find true beauty. Not only that, but we will end up corrupting beauty in and of itself. In the end, we will all look back at our past and regret the opportunities we had - just like I do today.
Imagine love as a sweater. Wearing it, it makes you feel warm and embraced. Yet every time you wear this sweater, a strand becomes loose. You acknowledge this strand and pull it away from it’s mother. You keep pulling away another every day it is worn, until you are left with nothing but one, single strand. This last one is hard to see and you end up holding it up to the light in hopes of being able to look at it better. The longer you stare it, your vision begins to blur and the strand becomes harder to focus on. Eventually you decide to pull the string tighter as to maybe get a reflection on it from the light. However, you pull too hard and the strand snaps. In the end you are left with nothing but two empty hands, a naked body, and a trail behind you that lead you to this point.
Each new relationship soon becomes another relationship and each new partner becomes another on a list. What will love become when we age and realize that we do want to be with another? By that time, so much of what makes love a special relationship has been dried out by the constant misusing of the term and the repetitive charades we delude ourselves with when we are children. We will end up stretching thin our capacity to comprehend love, closing off the possibilities to experience, however brief, moments that, in themselves, are worthy of one's entire life. To experience love is to experience the single greatest manifestation of human interaction.
If we allow ourselves to turn something beautiful into something mundane, we will only allow ourselves an ugly life.
I'm going to steal this for my essay on my name.
God holy damn this is good.
:D
Thank you so much!
you know it i love it bro!
I don't have time to critique this properly (or even read it all atm) but I will at some point if I remember
So this can be a reserve post or something
[QUOTE=MakoSkyDub;36617772]I don't have time to critique this properly (or even read it all atm) but I will at some point if I remember
So this can be a reserve post or something[/QUOTE]
Fair enough! I appreciate and welcome any criticism that you may be able to provide!
Wow god damn that was fucking awesome
makes me even more depressed than i usually am
but i still like it
god job, i like how the whole story is just talking about 1 simple little message, but it builds off of it showing the destruction it causes when you don't follow it
i love it, i just can't say how much
[QUOTE=G0rd0nFr33m@an;36620665]Wow god damn that was fucking awesome
makes me even more depressed than i usually am
but i still like it
god job, i like how the whole story is just talking about 1 simple little message, but it builds off of it showing the destruction it causes when you don't follow it
i love it, i just can't say how much[/QUOTE]
Thank you for your kind words! I felt like love was too personal of a subject to tackle without adding in my own personal experiences with it.
holy hell that was good. the first four paragraphs were amazing..the use of words, the flow was just about beyond any book I have read I rate 11/10 wow.
I fucking love this. It is really fucking great.
Ok I finally have a bit of time and remembered to revisit this thread.
Before I get into specifics: read a page of a book, note the formatting the author uses, and emulate that. The vast majority of books use traditional formatting which operates under a small set of rules that cover most any occasion. They take five minutes to learn, so if you want to write anything at all it's a good life investment to know them.
[i]It still shudders in my head every time I hear that strange combination of letters that forms such a [B]SIMPLE[/B] name. How can something so [B]SIMPLE[/B] make my knees weaken to the point of collapse and calamity? A name that makes my hands tremble, my heart hasten in it’s pace, and my mind crumble when my eyes witness the taste?
Allie.
The name resonates deeper every time.
Allie.
What a [B]SIMPLE[/B] name.
A [B]SIMPLE[/B] name that ushers in an empire of emotion. An empire so vast that even I get lost within it’s streets. Even a year since I last saw the face to the name and I still have not been able to outline the complexity in whole; to map those streets that make up this city between my shoulders. The [B]SIMPLICITY[/B] falls short when the name is taken for. What starts out as a combination of mundane - [B]SIMPLE[/B] - letters, becomes a series of unique - infinite - possibilities when it is assigned.[/i]
First off, be careful with repetition. Keep a varied lexicon. It's a struggle to use it for effect without becoming pretentious and/or monotonous.
[i]How can something so simple make my knees weaken to the point of collapse and calamity? A name that makes my hands tremble, my heart hasten in it’s pace, and my mind crumble when my eyes witness the taste?[/i]
For the same reason be wary of alliteration and [b]avoid rhyme in non-rhyming diction[/b]. This is a real flow-breaker.
[I]ushers in an empire of emotion.[/I]
Another example of alliteration being the difference between poetic and trite.
[I]it’s streets / it’s pace[/I]
It's = It is
Its = indicative of ownership
Take note of this one, it's a really common error among people who don't read or write a lot.
On top of this, your apostrophes are weird. That mark probably isn't an apostrophe at all, so it's worth finding " ' " on your keyboard
[I]and my mind crumble when my eyes witness the taste?[/I]
Apart from the rhyming, you should always keep your imagery in check when waxing lyrical like this, always reread what you have written. The above comes off juvenile and somewhat incoherent.
[I]The simplicity falls short when the name is taken for.[/I]
Neither the overall idea nor the closing phrase "taken for" make any sense here. Try to reread as someone other than yourself, or run it by a friend before you make your draft final.
[I]What starts out as a combination of mundane - simple - letters, becomes a series of unique - infinite - possibilities when it is assigned.
[/I]
Overused hyphens. Try reading this sentence aloud, with all four long pauses. Doesn't translate to speech at all, which is what you should constantly aim for when writing.
[I][b]Maybe I have just arisen too many questions[/b] with those first two paragraphs to tackle any specific one first.[/I]
"Arise" is a non-continuous verb and doesn't work like this. You can arise (as in "I have just arisen") or questions can arise ("Maybe too many questions have arisen").
[I]I like to consider myself to be more rational, logical, and reasonable than the other children of my age.[/I]
I'm tempted to leave this one alone since in practice it does function, but if I was to be pedantic you should use either a comma or "and", not both in sequence. This I feel is up to the writer, I would personally use them in sequence if I saw fit because it transitions more naturally to spoken word at times, but just so you know traditionally it's viewed as a grammatical error.
[I]In my nineteenth year, I am in the midst of a generation that praises, glorifies, it’s youth in life even though they take for granted the gift that they are so enamored with.[/I]
A quick tangeant, as someone who writes you'll be more respected if you employ proper english rather than dumbed-down US english. Put a U in Enamoured, as you would in Colour.
Now, read the above sentence aloud. No dice with those poorly placed commas; here's a possible alternative: [i]In my nineteenth year, I am in the midst of a generation who praise and glorify their youth even though they take for granted the gift that they are so enamoured with.[/i]
[I]They even dilute such phrases like[/I]
Should read "such phrases as"
[I]“Carpe Diem” to “You Only Live Once” [/I]
"to" should only be used here if the list is preceded by "from"
[I]They even [B]dilute[/B] such phrases like “Carpe Diem” to “You Only Live Once” with their idiocy and ignorance, spouting about how life is filled with brevity and how every moment must be made to last. Yet they [B]delude[/B] themselves by living lives of routine carelessness and unflinching corruption.[/I]
Alliteration once more, though I think it's worth pointing out again because it's more subtle here. Remember that reading goes a lot faster than writing, so something like this can easily go unnoticed, but will snag the reader's attention. Being a good author is all about avoiding these snags and letting the reader navigate your prose swiftly and smoothly. Alliteration can be your friend here too, but so far I'm only seeing it work against you.
[I]The sad thing is: they don’t even know it.[/I]
A comma would read more comfortably than a colon here. Too abrupt.
[I]That is quite possibly the worst part of it [b]all[/b] - they are [b]all[/b] naive.[/I]
Repetition again, snag again. The mind is very adept at picking up patterns unlooked-for. If there are unintentional patterns in your writing, the reader's level of immersion will suffer when they stop to think about it.
[I]How can one honestly enjoy or fully absorb all that this wonderful world has to offer, if one believes living a full life includes repeating the same [b]sad, boring act[/b] every weekend?[/I]
Firstly, you've slipped a little in consistency here, using such basic non-literary adjectives outside of dialogue. Secondly, just as a side note, what you've said here is arguable in many ways (whether one feels similarly or not). This matters because you're in trouble if your readers find fundamental fault in something you, the narrator, are saying. If they disagree with you, this may colour the tone in which they continue reading, and they're more likely to find fault with everything else.
Uh, I guess I don't have time to crit all of it after all. Hopefully this will be helpful as far as I got.
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.