Hi guys.
I'm new to Fp so go easy on me? Anyway, I really enjoy creative writing, but I don't really have anyone to tell me what they think of my works, short stories etc...
I'd really appreciate it if a few peeps would give me a rating out of 10 for the work I attach.
Thanks,
Flicker.
Chapter 1: Lacrimation
Edwin Surley cupped his hands around his coffee mug, and closing his blood shot eyes, lowered his face into the gently rising steam. Beads of water began forming on his forehead, and mixed with his tears as they trickled down his cheek, tracing the contours of his wrinkled skin, making their way through stumps of stubble until the few droplets that had survived the journey dropped into his now lukewarm coffee.
“Dad? What the hell are you doin’?”
Stifling a sob he glanced up at his son, smiling weakly.
“It’s nuthin’ Jack, I’m allergic to this coffee, that’s all.” He shrugged, doing his best to look puzzled by his son’s question.
His son walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed a Nike backpack hanging from the back of a chair, half-heartedly swinging it over his shoulder.
“Whatever, I gotta’ go to school now, so I’ll see you at 4, yeah?”
“Yeah, sure. By the way, don’t forget to keep your phone switched-What the hell are you wearing?”
“It’s called a hoodie Dad, I left my blazer at school…”
“That blazer cost 25 pounds, you can’t just go loosing things like that. You better get that back!” It was an empty threat, and Edwin knew it.
“Is that a threat Dad? What you gonna’ do? Take away my pocket money?” Jack shook his head in contempt.
Edwin turned around to face his son, who was unsuccessfully trying to put on his shoes without unlacing them first.
“You know I love you, don’t you Jack?”
An irritated tut. “Yeah, you too…see you at 4.”
And with that, Jack turned around, opened the door, stepped out and slammed it shut again with such a force that Edwin’s half-drunk coffee, now stone cold, spilt out over the edges of the mug and dribbled down into Edwin’s lap.
The formating could definitely be improved, although your grammar seems decent and the characters seem believable. Chapters should be longer, too. Even if it's a short-story, this is too short for just one chapter.
Nonetheless, it's good. Keep it up.
Thanks for the feedback man, I really appreciate it :)[QUOTE=Dub!;44730756]The formating could definitely be improved, although your grammar seems decent and the characters seem believable. Chapters should be longer, too. Even if it's a short-story, this is too short for just one chapter.
Nonetheless, it's good. Keep it up.[/QUOTE]
No problem, dude. I changed my mind, also. The story itself isn't too short, it just seems that way as most of the chapter is just dialogue. Make it stretched out with transition sentences such as the last sentence of the chapter. It's descriptive and tells of what the characters are feeling.
Okay...
I feel like your sentences are just a tad bit long with the descriptions. IE:
[QUOTE]Beads of water began forming on his forehead, and mixed with his tears as they trickled down his cheek, tracing the contours of his wrinkled skin, making their way through stumps of stubble until the few droplets that had survived the journey dropped into his now lukewarm coffee.[/QUOTE]
I would split that in two (Beads of water began forming on his forehead and mixed with his tears as they trickled down his cheek. Tracing the contours of his wrinkled skin, they made their way through stumps of stubble until the few droplets that had survived the journey dropped into his now lukewarm coffee.)
You can split it even more if you want (Beads of water began forming on his forehead. Mixing with his tears as they trickled down his cheek, they traced the contours of his wrinkled skin. They made their way...)
Just that one sentence is... massive. It just feels like it's too long. I'd even say that the first sentence is a bit long too. Try to avoid using more than one comma per sentence (there are special circumstances where you'll need 2 or 3, but generally for descriptions, avoid run-on sentences with more than one comma).
loosing>losing
Your characters stand out from each other, which is a good thing.
[QUOTE] It was an empty threat, and Edwin knew it.[/QUOTE]
Is that supposed to be Jack? Edwin just made the empty threat... of course he'd know...
[QUOTE]And with that, Jack turned around, opened the door, stepped out and slammed it shut again with such a force that Edwin’s half-drunk coffee, now stone cold, spilt out over the edges of the mug and dribbled down into Edwin’s lap.[/QUOTE]
Another pretty big sentence.
But yea, as Dub said, the chapters should be longer. Perhaps this is one of the rare occasions where I can excuse the short chapter since it's the start, but a chapter isn't just a single scene. Typically they're longer ideas, or in the case of The Catcher in the Rye and Eragon, episodes, which are events containing multiple scenes and such.
This really is short to really pick out anything, but a few things about writing...
1: Try to have a plot first before you write... it's quite easy to get lost and have a weak plot overall. Or you can be crazy like Salinger and go with a no-plot structure, but he gets redeemed because of the massive amounts of deeper meaning that is hidden in the text. However, that hidden meaning takes quite some time to develop, and it isn't something that a new writer should attempt until they're revising and editing (which takes more time than the writing itself).
2: Writing. Judging just by these few paragraphs, it can go to a bunch of different genres. You can write coming-of-age, or shift into fantasy/sci-fi, romance, etc. However, the thing that separates a good book from a bad book is really the hidden meaning. A bad book is just people doing stuff with not much meaning. Sure you can get a hero who saves a damsel in distress and kills the villain, but that's still a bad book if there's no meaning attached to it. A good book starts using all those literary devices (that we all hate) to give us a deeper, hidden meaning.
3: Just write. I might have intimidated you a bit here, and I don't want to do that. One thing to keep in mind is that you're free to write whatever you want. No one's going to see your first drafts and stuff like that, so just write pretty much anything that comes to mind. You can edit and revise later, which is what that's for. The first draft is just getting down your ideas, and the later revisions are when you can flesh everything out.
Thanks for the feedback, I really appreciate it! Thank's for taking the time to write a really detailed feedback, really helpful! :)[QUOTE=brooklynlord;44733488]Okay...
I feel like your sentences are just a tad bit long with the descriptions. IE:
I would split that in two (Beads of water began forming on his forehead and mixed with his tears as they trickled down his cheek. Tracing the contours of his wrinkled skin, they made their way through stumps of stubble until the few droplets that had survived the journey dropped into his now lukewarm coffee.)
You can split it even more if you want (Beads of water began forming on his forehead. Mixing with his tears as they trickled down his cheek, they traced the contours of his wrinkled skin. They made their way...)
Just that one sentence is... massive. It just feels like it's too long. I'd even say that the first sentence is a bit long too. Try to avoid using more than one comma per sentence (there are special circumstances where you'll need 2 or 3, but generally for descriptions, avoid run-on sentences with more than one comma).
loosing>losing
Your characters stand out from each other, which is a good thing.
Is that supposed to be Jack? Edwin just made the empty threat... of course he'd know...
Another pretty big sentence.
But yea, as Dub said, the chapters should be longer. Perhaps this is one of the rare occasions where I can excuse the short chapter since it's the start, but a chapter isn't just a single scene. Typically they're longer ideas, or in the case of The Catcher in the Rye and Eragon, episodes, which are events containing multiple scenes and such.
This really is short to really pick out anything, but a few things about writing...
1: Try to have a plot first before you write... it's quite easy to get lost and have a weak plot overall. Or you can be crazy like Salinger and go with a no-plot structure, but he gets redeemed because of the massive amounts of deeper meaning that is hidden in the text. However, that hidden meaning takes quite some time to develop, and it isn't something that a new writer should attempt until they're revising and editing (which takes more time than the writing itself).
2: Writing. Judging just by these few paragraphs, it can go to a bunch of different genres. You can write coming-of-age, or shift into fantasy/sci-fi, romance, etc. However, the thing that separates a good book from a bad book is really the hidden meaning. A bad book is just people doing stuff with not much meaning. Sure you can get a hero who saves a damsel in distress and kills the villain, but that's still a bad book if there's no meaning attached to it. A good book starts using all those literary devices (that we all hate) to give us a deeper, hidden meaning.
3: Just write. I might have intimidated you a bit here, and I don't want to do that. One thing to keep in mind is that you're free to write whatever you want. No one's going to see your first drafts and stuff like that, so just write pretty much anything that comes to mind. You can edit and revise later, which is what that's for. The first draft is just getting down your ideas, and the later revisions are when you can flesh everything out.[/QUOTE]
[QUOTE=FlickersFlux;44730706][I]Chapter 1: Lacrimation[/I]
Edwin Surley cupped his hands around his coffee mug, closing his blood shot eyes, and lowered his face into the gently rising steam. Beads of water began forming on his forehead, mixing with his tears as they trickled down his cheek, tracing the contours of his wrinkled skin and making their way through patches of stubble until the few droplets that had survived the journey dropped into his now lukewarm coffee.
“Dad? What the hell are you doin’?”
Stifling a sob he glanced up at his son, smiling weakly.
“It’s nuthin’ Jack, I’m allergic to this coffee, that’s all.” He shrugged, doing his best to look puzzled by his son’s question.
His son walked over to the kitchen table and grabbed a Nike backpack hanging from the back of a chair, half-heartedly swinging it over his shoulder.
“Whatever, I gotta’ go to school now, so I’ll see you at 4, yeah?”
“Yeah, sure. By the way, don’t forget to keep your phone switched... What the hell are you wearing?”
“It’s called a hoodie Dad, I left my blazer at school…”
“That blazer cost 25 pounds, you can’t just go loosing things like that. You better get that back!” It was an empty threat, and Edwin knew it.
“Is that a threat Dad? What you gonna’ do? Take away my pocket money?” Jack shook his head in contempt.
Edwin turned around to face his son, who was unsuccessfully trying to put on his shoes without unlacing them first.
“You know I love you, don’t you Jack?”
An irritated tut. “Yeah, you too…see you at 4.”
And with that, Jack turned around, opened the door, stepped out and slammed it shut again with such a force that Edwin’s half-drunk coffee, now stone cold, spilt out over the edges of the mug and dribbled down into Edwin’s lap.[/QUOTE]
Changed a few minor things. Altered 'and' to match modern style rules in a few places, and changed one instance where you were dangerously close to alliteration. Besides that, there's nothing wrong with what you've provided, but it's too small a sample to gather any real opinion about your skill. What you have sounds good, though.
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