This is my fanfiction of ravenholem and someone who is living in ravenohlm when Gordon fReeman is there.
I moved into a room and there was a zombie there AAAAAAGH is screamed but it was too late for the zombie and i shot it but another zombie grabbed me from behind. i fell over and they were going to eat me but i kicked one of them in the face and did a triple headlock on another one. haHAHAha i laughed and i hit the old man in the face. ow sayd the old man who are you i said i am an old man said the old man. he gave me a chainsaw but it was a trap and the chainsaw exploded but i dodjed the explodsion and hit the man. ow said the man. he died and more zombies were coming. i ran away and there were more zombies in front of me. i waited until there were close and i tried to fight them but there were too many but i found spears on the ground and i threw the spears and teh zombies died and when i went around a corner into another house i saw a 2 dead bodies and i went near one and it come to life! i stepped on it and it died but dead people dragged me int oa bsement and there was no ligth in the basement. oh no i said and then a voice said hello dont be afraid. who are you i said and the voice said i am...
ok so any critcism? should i try and make the other chapters logner?
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troll
I can not believe how exciting this story is. It has one of the most creative uses of punctuation I have ever seen, matching up to that of E.E. Cummings. From the first sentence, [QUOTE]"I moved into a room and there was a zombie there AAAAAAGH..."[/QUOTE] you jump completely into the action and maintain it by inserting onomatopoeias without breaking the sentence. It really shows true human emotion, especially when in such an adrenaline pumping moment. Gordon is truly characterized as a human, and not a super hero, as shown by his thoughts and reactions. The action is not broken apart and flows really well. I'm really glad someone is brave enough to be avant-garde. :)
The only real criticisms I have so far are that there are a few typos (maybe I don't completely understand, could you explain it to me if it was on purpose?) and it is really short. I think you should break up the chapter a little more with spurts of action, but mix in some exposition (because I know it's hard to maintain a feeling for a long time). Also, is this following Gordon Freeman exactly when he's doing all of this, or is it him reminiscing on this moment? Because I want to figure out if the old man really died, or if this is just Gordon Freeman's guess as to what happened to him.
Keep on writing. This is a really artistic work!
It is written as a memory of Gordon Freeman. I'm going to play on that in later chapters. The typos are on purpose, to indicate that the story is not an entirely accurate representation of events, and is a rather hazy memory of Gordon's.
Chapter 2
the voice said i am DEATH and 20 zombies came through wall. i tried to run and they all grabbed my. father grigrio said GORDON TAKE THE SKOTHUN and he throw me shotgun. i went to wards it but a aombie grabbed the gun and aimed it at my head. NO i yelled and the voice said gordon to esvape this place tou must accept your fate as a zombie and gordon screamed. as gordon was dragged out of the door he turned around and shot at the zombie.s the old man from earlier who was now a zombie came over to him NO he said to him and gordon ran. as gordon ran he tripped over and zombie surround! he saw in front of him crowbarb and when he picked it up. i threw crowbar at zombies and one of the headcrabs leapt off a zombie and landed on my head. NO i screamdd but it was too late the headcrab was on my head.
Ok, don't worry! It's not the end of the story.
You're trying too hard to have a moment. No one is going to see this and make a video out of, except for you on your main account, maybe.
Poor spelling and grammar, right, get it, like that other one 2 years ago, right, ye right you're all crackin up.
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