A Short Story (Yeah, the title isn't quite there yet) Kinda-Sorta About Fallout I guess?

[EMMERS!]

So I had to write a short story for AP english, but I procrastinated as usual. Instead of doing it all in class when we had time, of course, waited till 11pm the night before it was due to start it. Criticism is much appreciated.

[quote]
[i]Humanity is a great and powerful force. It has the ablitity to create something beautiful, and to destroy that same thing in the blink of an eye. In seconds, all the beauty of creation, both manmade and natural, can be ripped out from under man’s proud stance, sending him tumbling down into the depths of destruction and helplessness.[/i]

“The sun was blazing that day. Well, the sun was always hot in the days after the great war, but I guess we just noticed it more that day. See, me and Ben, we were lucky.
We found this old bunker. It was one of those shelters made back in the days when atom was the bright, buoyant future and folks worshipped the bomb.”

The old woman closed her eyes as she reminisced, and her mind was taken back many, many years to the beginnings of the new world created by the bomb.

“We’d taken shelter in that bunker, and it was there that we resided for many months following the bombings. It was as good as it could get for any man trying to make a life out of such ruin. Everything we could ever possibly need was in that vault- food, clean water, medical supplies, a warm bed. There was even this silly little guide on how to survive nuclear fallout. Impractical, of course; it was one of the government issued ones manufactured by a communist fearing generation. Life was grand in our vault; that is, until the day we opened that last can of refried beans, and our entire existence was shattered by one thing- we’d run out of food.”
Her grey, sagging eyes drooped, and her smile transformed itself into a troubled frown.

“It had been months, maybe even years, since we’d stepped foot outside of our safe haven. We had no idea what the world might look like. What if there were never any bombs, and everything was just as it was? What if we were killed instantly, the second we opened the door? Fear penetrated my soul, numbing my every muscle. To open the door, or to starve to death? It was risk or famishment. I turned to Ben, as I always did in moments like these, and gazed into his all-knowing azure eyes. ‘Ben, I can be brave. I’m ready to step outside. It’s what we need to do. Right?’ I was lying. I was terrified. I grabbed Ben by the hand, and squeezed. Things felt so surreal, almost as if he wasn’t even there. But he was; and I needed him. I looked into his eyes and I knew that with him by my side, I could accomplish anything. So out we went.”

The woman’s grey eyes gleamed.

“My god. What a sight. What a magnificent, terrible sight. There must have been thousands of miles separating us from any other living being. Baron, dry sand replaced what was once grass and pavement. A brown cloud loomed about us, shrouding everything in a miserable, dusty layer. It takes my breath away again just to imagine that first time I set my eyes upon the wasteland. Crumbling buildings decorated the horizon, and trees looked like melted candles on a birthday cake.”

Her eyes darkened with forgotten memories.

“Birthdays… What a strange, foreign concept they were to me. I couldn’t even remember what year we were in, let alone the exact date. When was my birthday? As a matter of fact, all life before that moment eluded me. My house, my family, my job, all a blurry memory that my brush just couldn’t seem to paint on the fading canvas of my mind. Was there ever anything before this? And how did we get here? Questions filled my mind, poisoning my thoughts with fear and uncertainty.”

She then smiled, her grey eyes becoming scintillating once more.

“All of my qualms were put to ease when I looked into those eyes. There he was, there he’d always been. My Ben. With him by my side, I could conquer the future. Those twinkling blue eyes of his illuminated my path and calmed my world. Onward, he led me. Beside me, he walked. He held my hand with his transient grip and steered me forward into a bright future. Together, we found a way to survive. Together, we lived. Together, we prospered. I thank my lucky stars every day for Ben and his wonderful blue eyes. I wouldn’t be here today, if it weren’t for him.”

The worn out old woman quieted as she finished her story. Her lips wrinkled into a satisfied smile.

“I’m so glad you could share this with me. Tell me, what happened to him?” replied a voice looming just outside of the woman’s focus.

She was there, talking to another, but she wasn’t there. The woman was absent from the conversation, vanished into her own thoughts and memories.

“To whom, deary?”

“Ben.”

The woman frowned, looking confused as she drifted back into reality.

“I’m afraid I don’t... understand. Ben was with me, when I came to your sanctuary. Ben is here, he’s right beside me.”

The woman grabbed desperately at a hand that wasn’t there, and looked up into nonexistent blue eyes, her own eyes masked by grey mystery.
[/quote]

The paragraph in italics in the beginning is just kinda to set the tone for the story.

I tried to make the colors and eyes symbolize stuff and junk, but I dunno if the reader can really get that. Does it make sense? And is the ending clear?

Oh, and any ideas for a title? I'm stumped.

[da_maul]

i like what you did with the falloutesq setting.

it's very peotic and dreamlike it provoked both though and feelings
if i werent conditioned not to show emotion i would have shed a tear at the end

very well done sir

also first

[Strike 86]

Pretty good, kept me reading until the end.
Only criticism is that you injected too many 'action' lines describing what the old woman was doing or thinking; it interrupts the story she's telling a bit too often:

[quote]The woman’s grey eyes gleamed.
Her eyes darkened with forgotten memories.
She then smiled, her grey eyes becoming scintillating once more.

Etc.[/quote]

Great apart from that. That ending's a bit of a tearjerker.

[EMMERS!]

[QUOTE=Strike 86;35015542]Pretty good, kept me reading until the end.
Only criticism is that you injected too many 'action' lines describing what the old woman was doing or thinking; it interrupts the story she's telling a bit too often:

Great apart from that. That ending's a bit of a tearjerker.[/QUOTE]

Thanks for the input! I was trying to better describe the story she was telling and how she felt about it through descriptions of her eyes, but you're right, I probably forced it too much.