• more mediocre poetry. Oh lawd
    14 replies, posted
CE. PLEASE don't just state your opinion of it, tell me why and how I could improve it. Your musk caresses my shoulders like smoldering hemp: I inhale kisses knee-deep in leering creeks as they cascade from your eyelashes, clawing at your coat before they crash to the carpet and huddle under my door. I wish they would seep into my lungs but they retreat into invisible crevices of my mind, planning to live as parasites who will scuttle behind my eyes to snatch away borrowed sweaters and ticket stubs and sink needle-like teeth into the crumbs of reheated memories of every man who falls asleep on my couch or simply tells me my eyes are beautiful.
Very nice, you managed to use a lot of different words without coming off as confusing. I like the style and different imagery. Keep it up, it's not as mediocre as you think!
[QUOTE=Ted Gills;22075569]Very nice, you managed to use a lot of different words without coming off as confusing. I like the style and different imagery. Keep it up, it's not as mediocre as you think![/QUOTE] thank you! I found my writing improved a lot once I started really focusing on my word choice. I make a point to devote an entire draft just to rewording an entire piece of writing. Do you have any critique for me?
Wow this is awesome. Gave me inspiration to my song-writing (not gonna copy, just got an idea similar to this one) :D Awesome. Thank you.
[QUOTE=Guy Mannly;22058327]CE. PLEASE don't just state your opinion of it, tell me why and how I could improve it. Your musk caresses my shoulders like smoldering hemp: I inhale kisses knee-deep in leering creeks as they cascade from your eyelashes, clawing at your coat before they crash to the carpet and huddle under my door. I wish they would seep into my lungs but they retreat into invisible crevices of my mind, planning to live as parasites who will scuttle behind my eyes to snatch away borrowed sweaters and ticket stubs and sink needle-like teeth into the crumbs of reheated memories of every man who falls asleep on my couch or simply tells me my eyes are beautiful.[/QUOTE] I don't get it
[QUOTE=Super Muffin;22124844]I don't get it[/QUOTE] if that's all you have to say, then why post?
Way to have a misleading thread title. I am not much a poetry fan often, but this is pretty damn great! As for improvements, here are a couple of things happening in my head when I read this (set myself to harshest critic setting): "sink needle-like teeth". I just find the use of a similie at this point a little jarring for some reason. Or at least this way of putting it. I don't know if it's a personal thing, but maybe something like "teeth like needles" would work better? As I said, maybe it's a taste thing. Secondly, "planning to live as parasites" ... I forget what I was gonna say about that. Sorry. It's your fault for being too damn good for me to think of any ways you could possibly improve.
[QUOTE=RSN;22122864]Wow this is awesome. Gave me inspiration to my song-writing (not gonna copy, just got an idea similar to this one) :D Awesome. Thank you.[/QUOTE] I'd love to see your writing when you're done with it! if you want any critique then I'd be happy to help you, as well. [QUOTE=Dude Meister;22134420]Way to have a misleading thread title. I am not much a poetry fan often, but this is pretty damn great! As for improvements, here are a couple of things happening in my head when I read this (set myself to harshest critic setting): "sink needle-like teeth". I just find the use of a similie at this point a little jarring for some reason. Or at least this way of putting it. I don't know if it's a personal thing, but maybe something like "teeth like needles" would work better? As I said, maybe it's a taste thing. Secondly, "planning to live as parasites" ... I forget what I was gonna say about that. Sorry. It's your fault for being too damn good for me to think of any ways you could possibly improve.[/QUOTE] you flatter me. :p I'm honored that someone who doesn't regularly enjoy poetry thought my writing was good. With the phrase "sink needle-like teeth".. I had been playing around with that for a while, actually. Originally I had it set as "sink needle teeth" but I had received critique saying it didn't flow well so I changed it.. couldn't think of anything better. I'll work on it, though :D even if you think my writing is good, keep in mind that any opinions you have might be shared by other readers.. non-therapy poetry generally is focused on how the audience receives it. If anything seems unclear to you or doesn't flow well then it's my fault and something I should improve - if you think of anything else, please let me know. (: Thanks!
I actually don't enjoy poetry normally, but i liked this too. I will post my writing when i get it done. I want to spend more time on it, than i used to :)
I've always preferred non-rhyming poetry anyway. A lot of the time rhymes seem forced to me, unless the poet is very skillful indeed. Like "I must find a word that rhymes with ____!" instead of just writing whatever they are actually trying to convey.
[QUOTE=RSN;22141205]I actually don't enjoy poetry normally, but i liked this too. I will post my writing when i get it done. I want to spend more time on it, than i used to :)[/QUOTE] that's awesome :D usually I write several drafts of my poetry.. I generally just make edits whenever I see problems I should be fixed, but there are specific things I'll focus on when writing a new draft. First I write a rough draft of the poem.. It's usually very vague and the kind of poetry I'd laugh at if I were to see it posted online, honestly. After my first draft I'll reorder sections of the poem. After that, I'll change pretty much every single verb and adjective in the poem. Instead of using what came naturally to me at the time of writing I'll think of less practical ways to express myself. This opens up the opportunity to incorporate more imagery and metaphor into my writing. None of my writing is ever done. I have a poem from about a year ago that I still go back to once in a while to edit. Keep in mind that while spending a lot of time on your writing is good, getting feedback from others is important. When you've just written a poem you've probably memorized it so much that you can't look at it from the perspective of someone else who has a different perspective than you and has only read the poem maybe two or three times. [QUOTE=Dude Meister;22141877]I've always preferred non-rhyming poetry anyway. A lot of the time rhymes seem forced to me, unless the poet is very skillful indeed. Like "I must find a word that rhymes with ____!" instead of just writing whatever they are actually trying to convey.[/QUOTE] I agree. I'd like to say there are exceptions for me but the vocabulary rhyming poets use always just seems so restricted - if they were to write without following a poetic form then I'm sure they'd be able to unleash their full potential as a writer. Aside from that, rhyming poetry just seems sort of stiff to me, for lack of a better word.. instead of words seeming flowing and open, it's like they're being molded into a specific form.
That's exactly what I feel, man. [img]http://www.facepunch.com/image.php?u=76827&dateline=1273106566[/img]:respek:[img]http://www.facepunch.com/image.php?u=282144&dateline=1270625391[/img]
sorry to be "off-topic", i am from Denmark, so my vocabulary is not THAT big. What does "smoldering hemp" mean?:D
[QUOTE=RSN;22142470]sorry to be "off-topic", i am from Denmark, so my vocabulary is not THAT big. What does "smoldering hemp" mean?:D[/QUOTE] hemp is a type of cannabis, same as marijuana. It's not the same as marijuana and isn't a substance you can get high off of but the two tend to be confused and I figured for the sake of my words flowing better I would use hemp instead of marijuana. Smoldering means to burn slowly - I used that word specifically to emphasize calm/sluggishness. English isn't your first language? Power to you for being able to speak more than one language fluently.
Well i try my best. :D Thanks for the explanation.
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