My apology letter to the city in which I staged a "death race."

[UncaringNonchala]

Wrote this on my phone in twenty minutes, just for the sake of a quick laugh. Inspired by the Cracked apology letters. Hope you guys enjoy it.

[quote]Dear Wilmington, Ohio,

I am writing this long-winded, half-assed apology due to the court ruling in your favor in the Citizens vs. Robert G. trial. I understand that things may have gone a little too far in my recent taxpayer-funded "festival" that was an actual excuse to stage a real-live "death race" in memory of the 1975 classic film, "Death Race 2000". By "too far," you all should know that I mean, "not far enough". The single most interesting thing to happen in your town was sadly cut short due to police choppers and SWAT-issued armored vehicles foiling my well-fashioned plan halfway through its execution.

The day of the race and/or "festival," I know many of you had shown up to what appeared to be a car show in the middle of Main Street. Some of you, I remember the confused looks on your faces as you saw there to be only one car parked, with the engine running. I apologize to the parents of the children that were "exposed" (the court's words, not mine; I prefer "enlightened") to my racy, bright pink jumpsuit with the ass cut out. The reason for the ass being cut out was for my comfort and my comfort only, because I enjoy the feel of a real leather seat against my bare ass. The cape, I admit, could have been a bit longer so that it would have covered my ass BEFORE getting into my car, but all I had around my house was a dish rag.

I apologize to the elderly woman in the front of the crowd by the street. I did not intend to hit your husband in the face when I threw my gum before entering my vehicle. I did not know he had a weak heart, and I did not know that the quick splat of chewing gum making contact with his face would have caused his heart to ultimately fail due to a heart attack. If it is any real consolation at all, he was probably the luckiest of the now-deceased on that day.

As most of you (that are still with us, sadly) may remember, the race had only one participant. That participant being myself. I understand that it is technically not a race if there is only one driver, but I had to make sure I would win. I am deeply sorry that the people that were behind my car when I burned out were affected by the smoke. I am not sorry that you were all coughing wildly because of your weak lungs, I am sorry that you could not "participate" in my "festival". I must also apologize (says the court) to the families of the participants; i.e. "victims". The last thing I wanted was for anyone to die a slow, painful death. I only wanted the fastest deaths possible that day.

To the city workers that have to repave the roads and had to clean up "my mess," I am sorry that you have the worst jobs in the world. As for Wilmington Schools, I am deeply sorry that I destroyed your gymnasium by driving through it while it was packed with a preschool gym class. I did check ahead of time whether it would be occupied or not, and no; I am not telling where I got that information. I am sorry to the small child whose ice cream was knocked out of his hands by my car. I will admit that I am not the best driver in the world, but goddammit, the ice cream was close enough. For the record, I still awarded myself half a point for the ice cream (although the child could have been an easy fifty).

The majority of you did not understand my point system, nor did you have any idea that I had a point system, I know. To make this as simple as possible, the elderly were ten points each; children, fifty; and health adults, one hundred. Any of you that were near me as I drove by screaming a number out of my driver-side window must have been confused as to why I was screaming (elderly excluded, due to being old and just always confused at goddamn everything). I was keeping score. My final score amounted to two-thousand-and-fifty and one half (counting the ice cream). It's only fair that I clarify my final score for those of you who attended my event/festival/race. You're welcome.

In conclusion, I would like to sincerely apologize to the SWAT team that intercepted my heavily armored car and subdued me. I understand now that yelling out, "The due date for sign-ups has already passed!" was not a smart decision, and may possibly be the reason why I was beaten worse than if I had calmly let you take me. Speaking of, I will not be dropping the charges against the town's police department for "police brutality".

Sincerely,
Robert G.[/quote]

[xalener]

Better than a love letter

[UncaringNonchala]

The love letter will be next. :v: