Ok so i'm writing a novel but I can't seem to get the intro right, one of the few things I never asked grea$e about. Basically it has three possible beginnings, can't figure out which one to use...
If the book goes right and college helps a bit I may actually be able to create a game out of this, or so I hope. SO what about it FP, can you help me?
TRY 1
Lightning fell as the goddess chose the world of Dur’rac, laughed at by her siblings for picking a world that would never have peace as they had once claimed. For the animals rebelled against their nature and the semi-sentient creatures decided to try and destroy each other.
The goddess took one of each creature and remolded them to a more peaceful type, the carnivores stayed carnivores but only hunted out of need, the herbivores became more passive and much easier to be around.
However something was not right the goddess decided as she watched over the world, the sentient creatures still hung to the shadows scared of the changes happening. She reached down to the first one taking a strand of her hair to create the Caress, a cat like creature with skills of a true hunter.
Again she reached down and with a piece of her skin she created the Drall, a peaceful being that enjoyed hard work. These where dragon like creatures with a small * on their shoulder, a mark that showed who they truly where.
The goddess took a feather from her wing and a drop of her blood to create the Amyal, the highest of the races. For the Amyal beauty radiated from them. Magic ran through the veins of the woman more than the men, yet the men where stronger and more fit for protecting then the woman.
The three had the ability to walk on their hind legs, and where given the ability to speak to each other.
The goddess’s black lips kissed each of them and blessed them all in turn and before she let them loose to roam as they pleased.
Rella breathed and her breath crystallized into five creatures, then raising her hand five small balls of light appeared, each creature grabbed one and fled to different parts of the world. They where the guardians of the magic and of great knowledge.
TRY 2
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It was said when Rella was happy the sun would shine, when she was sad the rain would fall, when she was mad there would be a drought or a huge thunderstorm….
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Thousands of years went by as the Amyal ruled the world of Dur’rac in peace, the Caress served as their guards and the Drall where the workers in this beautiful world. The animals prospered and the land was healthy for the Amyal cared as much for their people as they did for the land.
However all was not perfect in the land, there was one Caress named Rallen that wanted to be more, that felt as though he had been cheated, and he was not the only one. Rallen plotted in secret with others to overthrow and slaughter the Amyal, and slowly a plan developed.
Sending word by Keel, Caress in all towns where prepared for the day of reckoning where they would take over the world of Dur’rac.
Their intent, to completely kill the Amyal race.
After years of plotting the day came for them to act. Many Keel where sent out with a message that read one word ‘kill’.
The caress raised their weapons and snuck into the elaborate homes of the Amyal and while the Amyal slept the Caress beheaded them. Thousands of Amyal slaughtered in hours, a mass genocide.
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Rella watched over the world, taking time to care for it, to keep it healthy. But at night she took a break, however one night a stabbing pain was felt in her veins. She cried out a loud scream that flowed through her world of Dur’rac, but it formed in the sound of the wind, blowing harshly throughout the planet. She pulled herself up to the basin on a pedestal that looked into the world and touched a finger to it. The fluid rippled and formed a image of what the caress where doing, it flashed images throughout the whole world. Rella cried out once again this was pure sorrow and she closed her eyes. A small tear made its way out
from her eye and fell into the basin turning the water red as blood mixed with it slowly turning the whole view tainted.
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Rallen raised his bloody sword above his head and let out a blood thirsty cry, as he stood in front of the other caress. Suddenly it started raining and he looked at the clear liquid falling upon his cat-like form. The wind howled in his ears and they pinned backwards and then something warm fell upon his nose, he touched it and looked at his hand only to see blood upon it. He gazed up at the sky to see it was raining blood. Lighting flashed and the wind howled louder and he growled as he knew the goddess did not support his action.
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Rella looked at the basin and it flickered to a room, the lights where out and it was completely silent. However her eyes slitted and she could see a baby sleeping in a crip, its wings where small and weak and it cooed before moving and continuing to sleep. However footsteps where approaching the room and the image flickered to caress with drawn swords outside the door. Rella growled to herself as she cried and reached inside the water to grab the small child with her white hands.
She held the child to her chest and watched as the caress walked into an empty room, tears continued to flow from her eyes as she layed the sleeping child down…and turned her back upon the world to freeze herself in time along with the infant for hundreds of years.
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TRY 3
No matter what someone does they die eventually, even gods die. Yet we think we will live forever, we put ourselves in the way of risks and act rashly even though we know somewhere in our minds we are only mortal. I never expected I would die this soon though, I had hoped to live forever and become a great figure in the history of Dur’rac. Though now it looks like that was always a dream for me, something I will never even have a chance to complete.
Mom had always told me to stay close to home and to be careful, I now realize that she had always been looking out for me until the day she died….no she didn’t die, she was murdered all because of me. And now her efforts would be in vain for I would soon be dead.
I opened my eyes to view the ice wall of my small prison, I exhaled and watched my breath create a mist in front of my face. It was so cold, and I was wearing only a thin pelt that covered my torso down to my knee’s. However it was torn and bloody, providing very little warmth to me.
I was in the winter cave of Arlia, the one place mom had told me never to go to, but something had called me here and now I had sealed my doom. Blood dripped down my face and landed into my eye, it stung and blurred my vision turning it red for a few minutes. I tried to stop the blood flow moving my hand only to cry out in pain as my hands strained against the rope binding them behind my back, I had forgotten about that.
Cuts and bruises covered my hole body and my white wings where broken and hung limply from my shoulder blades, one had nearly been pulled completely off of my back, the only thing holding it there was some mussels and a few nerves. I felt my lip pounding as it kept swelling, I twisted my body so I fell to my side from my sitting position and lay against the cold ice floor before pressing my face against the ice trying to keep it from getting much worse.
I was in so much agony, I wished I had died a few hours ago back when I had been caught, but it was to late now, they knew that I was a threat, and now only Rella our goddess knew what they where planning.
Light suddenly was shed upon my face as the door to my small cell opened and someone walked in grabbing me roughly and lifting me off the floor.
I cried out in pain again, they had also broken one of my legs and it hurt so much to walk, yet I was forced to walk up the steps into the hall where I saw who my captor was.
He was a older man with yellow eyes and feline features, his black catlike tail was held highly behind him, he squeezed my shoulder tighter and made me whimper, my pain made him smile
Sadistic creap…
He led me to another room where in the center there was a stool with an ax in the center. I knew what they where going to do and I closed my eyes praying to Rella to take my soul when I died and not to let her sister get it and take it to the other world, a world of pain and misery where people waited to see if they would be reborn or stay there forever.
The ax was pulled out of the stool by another male with a white cat tail and he stood back. I was forced to my knees and my neck was placed against the stool. I let a tear slip from my eye and fall to the ground as I heard the swishing noise of the ax being pulled back and swinging forward.
I liked the third one the best because it adds an air of mystery. Work on your spelling and grammar though.
Nice concept.
You lack adjectives.
It makes it seem like an essay, essay. (:smug:)
Which sounds better;
'The dog fucked a couch'
'The amazingly funny dog fucked the waiting couch'
[QUOTE=Sickle;19172365]You lack adjectives.
It makes it seem like an essay, essay. (:smug:)
Which sounds better;
'The dog fucked a couch'
'The amazingly funny dog fucked the waiting couch'[/QUOTE]
True the second does sound better, and I know I have a tendency to do things in essays, note to self work more on how I write the papers.
Thanks
Here's the thing, what you've got there is a good introductory synopsis. What you need to do with this is imply all of that through dialog, without being too obvious. I'd knock what you have there down to bare bones and narrow it down to somewhere between a sentence or a paragraph, and then gradually work the rest of it into story dialog, but subtly.
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