A quite unpleasant bathroom visit - with temporary blindness! - General

"OH NOOO, WALL OF TEXT, BAWWW" If that's all you're going to post, then get the fuck out. The events that took place mere hours ago, on the seemingly ordinary morning of March 2nd, 2009, would echo throughout the annals of time. That date, when the evil powers of the consumption of old Five-Hour-Energy drinks without foodstuffs, assembled its forces and formed the ultimate torture device: wrenching stomach pains during English class. And so the story begins. She was the most gorgeous woman I had ever seen. Curly locks of golden hair, with a complexion fairer than an angel's. She was draped in effortless silk, and as I gently lifted off her br--BEEP BEEP BEEP. Fuck it all. It was Monday morning, and I was tired as fuck. The fact that I had just woken up from such a wonderful dream made it all the worse. The meager five hours of sleep I had accumulated that night didn't help either, but, nevertheless, I staggered out of bed. The warm greeting of a hot shower did nothing to stir my half-slumber. Therefore, as I stepped out of the bathroom, I concluded that my only option for putting an end to this drowsiness was to imbibe a five hour energy drink. (Those little two ounce bottles of a liquid energy boost you can buy at gas stations). To my surprise, (and apparent forgetfulness), my secret cache of the stuff was empty, except for one half-drank bottle. It had been opened about five days ago, when I had last felt the need for a morning boost. In my dazed stupor, I disregarded the warning on the label, which clearly stated not to consume the contents three days after opening, and downed the remainder. I had also ignored a friend's advice - "Drink that stuff with some food, or you're in for a fucking nightmare." The day went pretty fine, nothing of significance as usual. But, as I walked to English class, I felt uneasy. Suddenly, in a moment of panic, I had remembered the evil I had done that morning, but I assured myself that it would probably pass. We had a project to do, so we mosied on over to the library to research. The pain was getting steadily worse. I tried composing notes, but I couldn't bring myself to write. The pain soon became unbearable, and I lurched over to our English teacher, requesting permission for a visit to the washroom. She permitted my freedom to relieve myself, and I kept my cool as I walked to the exit. As soon as I stepped outside, I ran for the bathroom. A moment of desperation to be sure - running is not the best thing to do when you're about to shit yourself. You wouldn't think that a massive need to take a dump would hurt very much, but holy fuck, the pain was unimaginable. I began to see spots. But, I was undeterred, as the bathroom was in sight, and sweet release would come. The wretched pain I was experiencing would soon end, but as I approached the lavatory, my vision began to fade. All turned a fizzling grayish-green, and I could not discern any shapes, shades, or even shadows. The blindness, however, briefly distracted me from the immense pain emanating from my intestines. I was just a few short meters from the latrine, but I couldn't even see it. In a panic, I stumbled forward, hands outstretched, and tripped over a low bench. My head smacked into a tree, and I fell to the ground. I was too distracted by the pain in my gut to notice the pounding headache I'd just received. Then, no, I thought to myself, I would not be deterred by these minor setbacks. I was inches from my goal and I would succeed! By sheer willpower, some of my vision cleared, and I limped into the bathroom. To my horror, I had just entered the ladies' restroom. Had I no sense of decency, I would've marched into a stall and devastated the toilet, but, seeing as a gentleman would not degrade himself in such a manner, I ran back out and into the proper gender-oriented washroom. I was still half-blind when I stumbled into the stall and fumbled with the lock. Blast the cursed thing, for it wouldn't fucking lock. When I finally managed to throw the belt, I began to shit myself. I threw myself to the seat, struggling with my belt and trousers. There was now nothing to stop the torrent of energy-drink-laced intestinal contents. Precious seconds were wasted, but I managed to lower my pants, and I unleashed the fucking fury. Oh, sweet release. The normally unwieldy din that my intestines were producing was music to my ears, and I began to laugh madly. Dear, sweet release. I'd finally liberated my bowels, and it felt fucking marvelous. For the short internment that I spent inside the lavatory, I was the fucking king, and that stall was my kingdom. I must have sat for at least a quarter of an hour, thanking whatever divine beings might exist in the aether of space for their assistance in allowing me to extricate the contents of my bowels. Finally, when I felt that my work was complete, I lifted myself off my throne. Noticing that my vision had since returned, I paused to smirk at my intestines' failed attempt on my sanity. I also realized that I had neglected to neatly place paper on the seat before sitting, to cushion my ass, and also to shield it from the world of pathogens and microbes, but at that point, I didn't care. As I cleansed the battleground of carnage and destruction I had wrecked upon that poor toilet, I took time to reflect upon the lessons that were learned that day. Don't drink days-old five-hour-energy without food. Hell, don't even drink it if it's that old. So, in conclusion, fuck you, energy drink. Oh, and a bonus. Check out what I discovered in my biology packet. [IMG]http://i72.photobucket.com/albums/i170/potsm_master/goatseinbiology.png[/IMG]

I always knew there was some sort of drawback to those stupid gimmicks.

[QUOTE=smallfry;13949229]I always knew there was some sort of drawback to those stupid gimmicks.[/QUOTE] Well, it was kind of my fault.

Hahaha. Oh wow. A+ Read.

I hate temporary blindness, and this made me hate it even more.

Damn ur a tite-ass mofo (get it?)

That is just lovely.

Happens to me and coffee but I only drink coffee at home.

What a beautiful story. This has happened to me before, except with expired ruffles. ugh regular ruffles already give me a little bit of the runs.

I'm never going to drink one of those now.

Nice thread... A+ for you my good sir.

what, you ran to the bathroom, but you hit your head a tree on the way? Did I skip a line?

[QUOTE=VaultBoi;13949473]what, you ran to the bathroom, but you hit your head a tree on the way? Did I skip a line?[/QUOTE] Read it again

[QUOTE=VaultBoi;13949473]what, you ran to the bathroom, but you hit your head a tree on the way? Did I skip a line?[/QUOTE] The buildings were most likely separated by a court-yard of some sort

Is it an outhouse or something?

wait, you put toilet paper on the seat before sit down? what the fuck? that toilet is most likely more clean than your hands.

You had enough toilet paper to rid the damage done?

[QUOTE=limulus54;13949527]wait, you put toilet paper on the seat before sit down? what the fuck? that toilet is most likely more clean than your hands.[/QUOTE] do you realize how unsanitary school bathrooms can be [QUOTE=VaultBoi;13949511]Is it an outhouse or something?[/QUOTE] In California, most schools aren't big, solitary buildings. They tend to be large campuses with many smaller buildings separate from each other, which is why I had to run from one building to another in order to get to a restroom.

A+++++++++++ for making me shit myself laughing in the school library

[QUOTE=Furioso;13949588]do you realize how unsanitary school bathrooms can be In California, most schools aren't big, solitary buildings. They tend to be large campuses with many smaller buildings separate from each other, which is why I had to run from one building to another in order to get to a restroom.[/QUOTE] Ahh, all schools in my area are one large building.

I love you OP

[QUOTE=VaultBoi;13949511]Is it an outhouse or something?[/QUOTE] That would mean that you would have to cross the courtyard to get to the building with the shitter inside it...

Did you leave it there or did you flush it?

Best read I've had in a week.

That is freaking epic. You managed to shit yourself blind. I had a story like that too, it involved a wayward grilled cheese sandwich.

I laughed [b]hard[/b] when I read that you hit your head on a tree while imagining you running for a bathroom through a hallway.

Oh my god that made me wanna take a shit.

Beautifully crafted sentence structure

I wouldn't worry too much about not putting paper down first. I bet the sheer speed of the poopdrop caused a cyclonic vacuum of fetid colonic gas to draw any germs down into the bowl of water, [i]away[/i] from your vulnerable buttskin. I bet those microbes were dead before the soft caress of the first backsplash tickled your anus. am i rite?

u shuld sue 5 hour energy