"So Clarke, what's the diagnosis?"
Clarke grunted, his fingers dancing on the Holo-Scanner.
"This Conduit is completely busted," he sighed in frustration. "That last collision completly severed it, and if we want to fix it were gonna have to rip out this whole section for repairs, and that will take some serious ti-"
"C'mon, can't you just run another patch job, or re-route it?" interrupted Sean. "It's worked before."
"I've been telling you for months now, this Tub needs a full refit and repair, you can't keep a freighter of this age running without dedicated maintenance."
"but-"
"Either we take the Teav into the nearest station or I'm leaving, this Ship's about as spaceworthy as a sieve, and has too many problems for me to keep up with alone," Clarke snapped, his fingers still busy diagnosing and fixing.
"Fine, fine" Sean ran his fingers through his hair, calculating how much further this stop would drive the ship into debt.
"I doubt the Teav would ever be graced by another academy Trainer Engineer if we lost you, I'll plot a course into Deltan space, happy?"
"Not really," Clarke muttered, walking off into the rusting bowels of the hulk.
Clarke woke with a start, coolant dripping onto his bunk from a leaking pipe overhead. Cursing softly he mentally added it to the list of repairs that needed completion before jumping down from his bunk, wincing at the ominous squeal of protest the floor gave upon receiving his weight.
Clarke arrived at the bridge, and after strapping on his Ship Interface touch pad, looked around.
"Whats our ETA to the Station?" he asked, glancing at the navigation display.
"Small change of plans Clarke", replied a jovial Sean. "We decided to stop off at that small asteroid belt we were prospecting last week, fill up the hold before going in."
"What, Ek-26377? But that's virtually in the opposite direction of where you said we were headed" exclaimed Clarke. "There's no way the reactor can sustain a jump from here to occupied space!"
Seans previously smiling face fell.
"W-what? but you sai-"
"With the main power conduit between the reactor and the capacitors severed, there's no possible way to build up the required charge for a jump. Its becoming so degraded i doubt even Sub-light engines will be working soon, "said a dangerously quiet Clarke. "Within days we won't have enough power to illuminate a Glo-strip, let alone life support, so I recommend you start broadcasting a distress signal on all channels.
Crew members fumbled for headsets and began frantically pushing buttons as Clarke turned on his heel and left the bridge, leaving Sean to collapse dumbly into his chair, for once, completely silent.
This is something i wrote for an up-and-coming Indie Game called "Infinity: the Quest for Earth"
Comments and criticisms regarding its merits as a short story Appreciated
It's good. I have a couple of things to say though...
You don't mention any other crew members aside from Clarke and Sean until the final paragraph. For all the reader know's, those two are alone on the ship. Maybe you should mention more things related to the size of the ship and crew earlier on (even now we don't know how big the ship is).
Another thing is how one day Clarke's just grumbling about the ship being rickety, and the next morning he informs everyone that in fact they're in such a bad state they could all die in a few days and need to send a distress signal out. Surely he would have said [i]something[/i] about this sooner?
And finally, I notice you don't describe what the two men look like. I suppose that's fine, but you say at one point "Sean ran his fingers through his hair", and at that point I felt slightly... I don't know.. I just don't have a mental image, and, for example, is his hair long or short, or what? If you're going to mention the physical appearence of a character you'd probably be better off doing so fully, or leaving it out entirely.
Also if you don't mind I'll fix up your grammar, there's a few mistakes, but nothing a quick proof-read can't fix.
[editline]12:02AM[/editline]
[QUOTE=Pelenor;21917036]...and if we want to fix it [highlight]were[/highlight] gonna have to...[/QUOTE]
Should be "We're" as in "We are". This version of the word is the plural version of the word "was".
[QUOTE]...running without dedicated maintenance."
"[highlight]b[/highlight]ut-"
"Either we...[/quote]
Should be a capital B.
[quote]"Either we take the Teav into the nearest station or I'm leaving[highlight],[/highlight] this Ship's about as spaceworthy as a sieve, and has too many problems for me to keep up with alone,"[/quote]
This should probably be a full stop, but it's not very important. Up to you I suppose. Maybe I'm just being pedantic.
[quote]"I doubt the Teav would ever be graced by another academy Trainer Engineer if we lost you[highlight],[/highlight] I'll plot a course into Deltan space, happy?"[/quote]
This one, on the other hand, should deffinitely be a full stop. Not just me being a pedant this time.
[quote][highlight]Seans[/highlight] previously smiling face fell.[/quote]
Missing possessive apostrophe. "Sean's".
[quote][highlight]Its[/highlight] becoming so degraded [highlight]i[/highlight] doubt even Sub-light engines will be working [highlight]soon, "said[/highlight] a dangerously quiet Clarke.[/quote]
First bit: Should say "It's", short for "It is". "Its" is used in a possessive sense. As in "Its eyes". This context is where the word is short of "It is" or "It has", as in "It's seen us!" or "It's moving!"
Second bit: This should be a capital I.
Third bit: Ok, this was just a mistake made from typing too fast. Just thought I'd highlight it anyway...
Sorry if I come accross as patronising at any point in this post, I'm just not sure whether these are mistakes you've missed, or stuff you actually don't know, so I figured I'd go into as much detail as possible. Hope this helps!
Thanks for the Critiques, I will admit i wrote that in like 5 minutes so its understandable there's a few stupid mistakes like that. but thanks for your time. its always welcome
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.
