• Fuzzies
    2 replies, posted
[i]"He who fights with monsters might take care lest he thereby become a monster. And if you gaze for long into an abyss, the abyss gazes also into you."[/i] [img]http://amchurchadultdiscipleship.net/wp-content/uploads/2009/03/drifter_by_gavade.jpg[/img] Chapter 1 - A long and empty road... How could I see that of which was unforeseeable? That abyss that stared deep into my soul and told me what I needed and wanted to do. Before I could make that distinction, I was falling by the wayside and couldn't pull myself out. An old red convertible gave me a ride as I headed into the sunset dazed and confused. Life was confusing, and the man up front didn't even seem to notice me. I looked around to a slow realization that the car had no tires and was on the side the road, nobody but me was in it. Exhausted, I grabbed my bag, got out, and started walking along that endless road in the fat, old, blazing sun. It wasn't long until a pool of water slowly appeared before me, and at first I thought it was a mirage. To my amazement, I could feel the cool water as I dipped my hand in and drank some, but it didn't taste anything like water. I looked up and could no longer see anything overhead. My soul felt heavy with deep regret, but it was still there, I was sure of that. My life began to repeat itself as the light rose ever higher into the infinite sky. That blinding light made life ever harder, and my ears were surely gone as the ringing was unbearable. Making a life here was pointless and the boys agreed that I needed to continue forth. The heat was deadly as I eventually ran out of water, but the tortoise along side me knew of my problems and offered me a ride. While riding with him, I speaked my mind about my love that I haven't seen for so long, but then I remembered why I went on this journey in the first place. I escaped through the hatch and tumbled down to a land within the pillow of winds. My confidence rose as I made it apparent that I arrived, but the silence still held. I continued on and found my favourite old diner, Ivans. I was glad to be inside away from the dark cold winds outside and waited for a calming. The waitress brought me some complimentary water and I ordered a small sandwich. As the winds started to calm, I went outside and saw her running away. I chased after her, but she was too fast and I found myself slowing down in the wake of her dust. The agony and depression that followed caused me to stop and think for a good two hours. The winds picked up again as the night fell over the land. The darkness raped my soul, but in the distance I could still see her waving as she always does. I closed my eyes and re-opened them to find that I was standing in a pool of my own emotion, the sinkhole yanking me ever downward and downward. I gently smiled as I let the crushing warmth envelop me completely, slipping into a bath of pure disillusion. The ringing had finally stopped, complete and utter silence. I could no longer hear the voice of my soul, and I wondered to myself, "Was it worth it?" That was when I stumbled upon the greatest secret of all... The Monsters from the Id were never restless as our battle raged on. I feared that if I slept, they would escape their current confounds of the sub-consciousness and run rampant through my mind, building small colonies that blended with my views, taking leaps onto my mental tracks and de-railing all thoughts in an attempt to cause mischief and chaos within my world, within my mind. As I looked back upon that momentary lapse of reason, where even sanity questioned itself while days droned on in a monotonous perpetual motion of slow decay. Where every breath seemed shorter, every light seemed darker and every colour, paler. Where the once warm summer air now felt like death was breathing down upon me. I looked back across the sands of time scorched upon my bent spirit and pale stare, and wondered if this truly was my last summer, my final act, my magnus opus, my coda. I suddenly remembered back to one cold, dark, windy day, the way her long dark hair flowed and danced about in that Autumn breeze, and how all the coldness in the air just seemed to vanish in her warm embrace. I remembered what she said, and smiled, but then I suddenly thought to myself, "Who was this women I think of?" I knew what she called herself, I knew her eyes shined like crazy diamonds, and I knew it was her just by how she speaked to me. But do I really know who she is? I felt like whenever I thought of her I only saw a shadow. She was real, but in my mind she was fake. As the division bell rang, I wondered, "Who's really saying this?" I stopped and asked myself, when was the last time I had a real emotion? Was it before the trip? Was it before the wrath? Was it before the departure? I couldn't remember, then the scariest thought of all popped into my head, "Have I ever felt an emotion at all?" There is one thing I did know for sure, I needed to continue my life with or without them. As I walked through the fire, I could make out the shadows better as their frames slowly emerged, I could feel the keyhole, and I held the key. I made another giant leap into that same distant memory and found myself once again endowed into my soul, not to emerge for some time. Her name suddenly screamed into my mind with such force that it caused me to double over and vomit, the memory faded away as quickly as it came. A cocktail of my own bile and saliva seeped slowly into the stones and glass below, hiding again as it always did, always. Memory has always been a recollection rather than something to go on about, but I could remember her, and I knew that. Some people feared what they didn't have the courage to understand, the darkness that enthralled us and set us apart. Bursting with energy, it was always there, yet it wasn't for all to see the desolation, the endless void into which we all gazed. "The light at the end of the tunnel", it didn't exist. The masks and excuses though, have always been present to give us useless hope. Happiness and joy were merely the calm before the eternal storm we couldn't begin to describe or imagine, but it was coming. From within my reckless conscience an insufferable beating persisted. I threw myself headlong into the never ending, unrelenting, limitless space that I called my life, which had a clear beginning and a clear ending, both of which were just blurs to me. It was in that moment I suddenly came to a major realization, life is all but just one blur in slow motion, each frame was an hour of my life ripped away by the ever fleeting, invincible passage of time. Those beyond the horizons of life and death, and beyond the ideas of existence let the gentle breeze pass over them. Without a stir, they continued their carvings and paintings, the true artists they were. I was lost in my own discovery, an endless sea of operations and functions that controlled my every action. I did nothing while my body, that person I had always seen in the same plane of exsistence, did. Talked, breathed, walked, thought, it was all my own entity. The asphalt below my aching feet ever twisted and turned, and yet I gently glided on clouds in a perfectly straight line, my mind followed shortly behind. I had been staring at the space where my feet should have been for hours, which felt like an eternity. I guessed some things never changed, while others changed so often they became irrelevant in their redundancy while I drifted on somewhere inbetween. As I walked down this destined path before me, I started to question it, "Why was I traveling?" "Why am I here?" "Why do I remember her?" I stopped, picked up the stones, looked back into the haze, and started to return to where I left from. I remembered many things while defying my logic, sometimes I closed my eyes and remembered the place I used to live in. I layed down and remembered the beautiful spring flowers and worn out streets of cobblestone. I could remember that cozy little house, and the damn fine paint job I had given it. I sat up and looked around in hopes of seeing her along the same path again, but she was long gone. Defeated, I layed back down again and couldn't help but stare and wonder at the stars dotting the endless void overhead. That was when I realized she was already the voice inside my head, so I got back up and started down the ill-fated path again. I was forever stuck in the Shadows of Yesterday, but it felt just right... Chapter 2 - Into the Beyond... The rain battered my face as I endlessly walked headlong through. It left small indents upon the surface, so small they weren't to be noticed, but I still felt them. In a way they were my greatest treasure, little holes, each one a memory, just like each person in my life had been. Just another little hole within me, not to be seen or heard of by anyone but me and me alone. My own physical remembrance of a past that was too fleeting to remember and yet too important to forget. I knew my head ached but I couldn't actually feel it, that was my body's job, not mine. I just had to be, to exist, because without me everything else meant nothing. I was my own existence, and yet at the same time I didn't exist at all. It was then that I suddenly blacked out, too much thinking could be bad for you sometimes. This place has always filled me with prelevant horrors, always keeping me up at night, but then felt it's splendor. Like the shattering of glass I was quick to realize that I needed to pick up the pieces I'd created. Life had shown me that you could never stop, you had to keep on going. An unknown entity reeking of dark power and mystery appeared, he has always been listening, perhaps he could provide the answers? I suddenly realized that my mind had slipped into a dreamlike coma. "How could everything seem so real?" "Was I really past the point where I wouldn't even be tipped off that I was dreaming?" As my eyes opened it felt like thousands of hornets were stinging my bare, glazed over eyes. "How long had I been out?" I felt as though I had travelled some distance while remaining stationary, as if I've kept the wounds I received from what I once believed was real. A small soft song began echoing throughout the room, the lights grew dimmer and yet a pathway that layed in front of me grew bright. I felt as though it was my only way to go as I could see where I am going, I would know where I was. So I travelled along the path, staying closely inside the guiding lines. "Where does such a path come from?" "How did I get here?" These questions perplexed me. I could see ahead of me, I could look behind and see where I once was. I felt as though the path I was travelling along was and always would be pre-determined. I loved the path, but at the same time, despised it. My rage built up like a fire, I didn't want this. So I jumped out into the darkness, and saw nothing... When I came to, I was laying in a small pool of murky water, and the sun was rising. I sat up and looked around to the ever familiar scene, the dirt, the road, the powerlines, the house... the house? I had become a voice inside myself, thus not able to act anything out, but dying to be able to. I Existed outside of myself, while still inside my own mind, a prisoner, and yet an escapee. So far inside my own soul that everything seems like nothing, and that nothing is everywhere and everything. My body felt emotions, I felt nothing. My body felt tired, I felt nothing. My body felt one, I felt zero. Always. It's when you're loneliest that repetition starts to drive you insane. When nothing can be on the same plane of existence as you, and the input and output of your unconscious carbon prison slowly drives you mad with it's GOD DAMN REPETITION! It feels like centuries, eternity, one day does. Now just imagine how a week feels. Feels like nothing, feels like infinity. What should I expect? I can't reconnect with me, or what WAS me. It's gonzo, kaput, shit the bed. It's deader than my parents. Ha, it's... it. I'm not a human being anymore, or rather, I am a human being, I just actually understand what that means now. It means I'll never fully understand. It means I have limits, mentally. Or maybe I don't... I once had physical limits, but that's all different now. I haven't slept for two weeks and I don't even feel tired. Haven't for three weeks now. Gave up on forcing myself when it took handfuls of Ambien to put me out, you run out of money quickly when you're buying prescriptions from thugs on credit. Let's just say, my credit score ain't too high right now.
[quote]I chased after her, but she was too fast and I found myself slowing down in the wake of her dust. The agony and depression that followed caused me to stop and think for a good two hours. The winds picked up again as the night fell over the land. The darkness raped my soul, but in the distance I could still see her waving as she always does. I closed my eyes and re-opened them to find that I was standing in a pool of my own emotion, the sinkhole yanking me ever downward and downward.[/quote] Doesn't sound like fun.
It was
Sorry, you need to Log In to post a reply to this thread.