I've put my work on fanfiction.net considering its length.
[url=http://www.fanfiction.net/s/6146964/1/Madhouse]Link[/url]
Chapters are fairly short, starting from about ch.5 I made sure each chapter was at least 2,000 words. (Still low but better than what I was going at.)
It's a TF2/Pokemon crossover (Not as bad as it sounds :ninja:) but I've tried writing it in a manner that anyone would be able to enjoy without prior knowledge of the games(I'm using the anime's canon).
Apologies for the horrible misuse of semi-colons in the first 10 or so chapters, I didn't realize I was fucking them up until I had someone else look it over. Considering I already had the chapters uploaded that would mean I'd need to remake a copy of each chapter and edit each, [i]then[/i] replace them with the fixed copies. Not something I'm worried about at the time. Aside from that I haven't been taking as much time as I'd like to fix my grammar, I know I should but I always end up missing something after I submit a chapter, so there may be a few horrible grammar errors (I.E. You're for Your or It's for Its).
I await criticism so that I may improve with my ability to write this in a professional manner. :buddy:
Update- if you somehow found this thread:
I'm still debating on how to go about continuing the story, since I stopped continually updating the thread I've thought it over for quite some time and have come to realize quite a few mistakes i've made in writing this.
It's technically dead for now, until I can write a continuation that will do it justice.
Its great. I read the whole thing.(he linked me a while ago)
I am going to give it a go tomorrow
[QUOTE=Stathis;25070555]I am going to give it a go tomorrow[/QUOTE]
Why do I have the feeling you're lying.
I only read the first chapter so far (I gotta go soon) but one things I noticed is that the evil forces lack definition and detail; all I really see from it is "herpa derp I'm evil k". Having contrast between your good and bad side is important, but if you make it too stark, it sounds unreasonable; nobody is completely good and nobody is completely bad. I apologize ahead of time if this is corrected in a later chapter, but that's one suggestion. Try and flesh the other side out a bit more is what I'm saying.
[QUOTE=Dustins;25148539]I only read the first chapter so far (I gotta go soon) but one things I noticed is that the evil forces lack definition and detail; all I really see from it is "herpa derp I'm evil k". Having contrast between your good and bad side is important, but if you make it too stark, it sounds unreasonable; nobody is completely good and nobody is completely bad. I apologize ahead of time if this is corrected in a later chapter, but that's one suggestion. Try and flesh the other side out a bit more is what I'm saying.[/QUOTE]
So like a motive, right? If so than I have that base covered.
If you mean Zerstorung being somewhat good I suppose that's covered too.
semicolon attack! :byodood:
[editline]06:24AM[/editline]
please, use more descriptive words.
It is very hard to read for me because I'm reading too fast.
I would much rather have this printed out or something, so I can mark it up so I don't go crazy while reading it.
[editline]06:27AM[/editline]
you have a steam or something
I'm not experienced in critiquing writing, I rarely read. From a (very) outside point of view, this completely misses the TF2 atmosphere, charisma, feeling etc. I can't think of a good word, but it barely resembles the TF2 story telling style.
Also, the semicolons are annoying.
Try originality next time
It would actually be better if you had at least tried to make this your own
[editline]07:01AM[/editline]
also, WPA is also an acronym for WiFi Protected Access
[editline]07:04AM[/editline]
add some damn fluff to it
[editline]07:22AM[/editline]
watch your point of view, you shift it a lot when one of the characters talk.
Yes, I'm highly aware I fucked up massively with the semi-colons, apologies. Also, Acidleak, I am aware WPA and WWPA already have numerous things attached to them.
Also I'm confused, how is this not mine? I mean I believe my story is quite unique, and to bopie I'm not sure what you even mean by that, but I do apologize, I'm trying to write this in a way anyone can understand, not just tf2 fans. Though in the process I know I'm upsetting some people and I do apologize, but I have been waiting too long to write this, and will not stop.
On to another issue, I have no idea what "fluff" means, I'm trying my best to make the story interesting. For the point of view you'll have to point out some examples, I honestly miss quite a few things when I'm writing, so showing me my errors would help me improve.
You are using TF2 characters. My suggestion is to remove the TF2 part and make it into an entirely new story.
Fluff is stuff that you don't need. It is details, appositives, prepositional phrases, big words, etc. Tell me every single little damn thing you can about every single little damn thing.
To be honest I have been contemplating removing the TF2 aspect of it, I mean I could easily rewrite the parts that required them.
I would, but it would take me a lot of backtracking to redo every chapter I've done so far with the tf2-universe excluded. For the record, I've already worked out a further portion of the story, it's just the part between where I am now and the part I've already thought through that I need to work on.
No one is telling you to stop lol. What I was trying to say is that you don't have the TF2 "style", as in 'story style'. It just doesn't seem right.
From what I understand, when you write a fanfiction, it's the author taking on the challenge of mimicking the original writing style. No it doesn't have to be exact, no one expects it to be. It's supposed to be an addition to the original story. You might as well just drop any association with TF2 and create your own 'universe'.
Edit - nevermind that last sentence, I just read your post above.
Like I said in my earlier post, thoughts [i]have[/i] run through my head of simply dropping the tf2 universe from the story entirely, had I not started yet I would've, but I have simply put too much time into it for me to turn back.
But I can argue that a lot of fanfics out there stray FAR from the original writing style. Too many of them... :gonk:
Write the whole damn thing over again.
[editline]07:50AM[/editline]
With more fluff.
Well regardless of the quantity that don't follow the original writing style, you clearly express disdain in that they don't. So through deduction, a quality fanfiction by your own standards, would follow the original writing style - therefore you should aim to do that.
I've put too much effort into writing it for me to completely re-do it, sorry.
To bopie, you'd have to give me an example of what their writing style would be.
Don't apologize. We're simply here to give you what WE think about what you have done. That's criticsm. What you're supposed to take away from other peoples criticsm is that, along with pointing out flaws, its how OTHER people perceive your work.
You can write anything you want in the whole world and you should never apologize for it, but you have to understand that it will most likely only please [i]you[/i]. Especially when ignoring what others have said.
I can't really provide an example, it's intangible for someone like me with very little experience. I suggest just reading through the TF2 blog. It's not the words that make the story style - its what, and how, things happen in the story.
I know what criticism is. It's just that I refuse to re-write the story, and I'm still unclear as to what tf2's writing style would be considered.
aww fuck
I just got to the dinosaur part
[editline]07:59AM[/editline]
I don't like it.
Too cliché?
I thought it was a good idea, more or less setting up for whats to come.
[QUOTE=Psycho_Shadow;25192070]I know what criticism is. It's just that I refuse to re-write the story.[/QUOTE]
Well then you are refusing the criticism, because so far, the criticism is that you need to re-write the story. As for the actual story style, I am too casual of an observer to define that. Like I said man, I'm just trying to give you an opinion from the view point of someone who is a 'passerby' reader.
I feel like I should stop posting in this thread, I'm afraid I can't help you and I would hate to somehow set you off course.
I personally think that an entire overhaul of the story is a bit much.
Alright so you can't define their style, but I can see what you mean by me drifting from it.
Now, if a majority of the people who see this agree that I should rewrite in that matter I may consider it.
Think- how did TF2 put the idea of TF2 together? How do you imagine it? What do you think when I say Team Fortress 2? Would this really happen in the TF2 universe?
You want to take the personalities of each character that TF2 gave them, and put it in the story.
Also, it is not plausible that Melody would create the WPA; she would be against it. She is supposed to be, and I quote: [QUOTE] The two were signified by their traits, Zerstorung had a penchant for causing misery and destruction, whilst on the other hand; Melody only wanted peace and happiness.[/QUOTE]
Try to watch what you write and remember what you write.
[editline]08:10AM[/editline]
You've got the medic all wrong, Heavy is off by a bit, Demoman needs to be more drunk, Sniper needs to be more Australian, and the solider needs to be more military.
The spy would most likely never join the army/marines/military.
Why would Melody be against it?
The WPA was established to defend against Zerstorung.
Also, I'm positive that I didn't stray too far if at all from the classes' personalities.
(I do sometimes have a problem with remembering what I wrote...)
also, remove the names like "Tavish" and put Demoman for god's sakes
and if you need character references for all of the characters, just watch VALVe's 'meet the...' videos.
[editline]08:12AM[/editline]
I've also noticed that you shift perspective sometimes.
Yeah...not sure what I was thinking with that, I'm going to go back and change that because it's been bugging me too, and the only reason I didn't change it was because I had already wrote that for every part involving him.
Melody would be against it because she would rather have peace, and not kill everyone and cover it up.
[editline]08:14AM[/editline]
and it seems like you don't know what your storyline is yet. Define it for the readers, and then add sub-storylines, for a lack of a better word.
[editline]08:21AM[/editline]
The doctor doesn't have many opinions, so stop him from being the brain of it all. You have Heavy nailed, but whenever you show his speech in the story, he doesn't have enough Russian accent in it. Demoman needs to be more drunk and more mean. He're the meet the demoman video, in case you didn't see it: [media]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rxps--huGKY[/media] You're missing his accent.
The sniper isn't Australian enough. You're missing his accent, too, and you're totally missing his train of thought.
One common problem you have is accents.
Melody isn't completely good, as stated by a previous poster, no character is.
Her current goal is to keep her business as secretive as possible while still keeping watch for another attack by Zerstorung.
And the storyline is that Zerstorung is a constant threat and has been for some time, and needs to be dealt with.
yes, but you have the other storyline with Miyoti Takatzi.
Melody is a contradiction.
I say you should just write the whole damn thing over again so you don't have to go back and update it.
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